Chapter Twenty

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"I love you very much, probably more than anybody could love another person." 50 First Dates - Ellis

Newton Berry, September 14th

Ellis

I'm back to packing after avoiding it for so long. It only feels like yesterday I was deciding which shirt to pack for America and which socks and if Jessie would be smart enough to pack plasters and paracetamols.

It was only yesterday that I unpacked my road trip suitcase and backpack.

I've been moving slow. I've spent three days in bed pretending to suffer from a severe kind of jet lag that my sister insists is just dramatics but still my parents have let me be. Being left alone has given me time to stew on the last couple of weeks.

It's also given me much too much time to waste on reminiscing. I've got enough postcards and ticket stubs and city maps and snaps to keep me in a zombied state of thinking and remembering. Each time her smile is shown in a silly black and white photo booth strip or on my phone my stomach feels like it's being pulled from inside, as if I'm being crushed.

My sister has noticed. I suppose it's kind of hard for her not to have heard me crying in the shower or caught onto the fact I've not talked or spoken to Jessie for close to a week. Apparently I'm acting sadder than normal and she's a bit worried.

I've fobbed her off with some lie about being nervous for University and moving away from home and she's so far taken the bait.

I've been in my room and in my head for a lot, though both are a complete mess.

Every time I feel and think about her I have to busy myself with something else, because it hurts. Knowing Jessie is likely still very mad at me for lying and that she can't be bothered to try and make a future for us work, hurts like hell.

And every so often, as if on purpose I'll hear her potter about beyond the wall in her room. She'll be singing along to a song on the radio or taping away at her computer and I'll not be able to stop thinking about her.

When she closes her window each night I wonder if it's because she worries leaving it open might be an invitation for me to stick my head in, like I did before. Back when she was actually happy to see and speak to me.

I've toyed with the idea of sending her a message but my phone's been playing up since I got back and I've wiped it clean, turned it off so I wouldn't go and do anything stupid, or say something to upset her.

Like, I miss you and I love you and I wish that everything were different. I wish we could go back and I wish we could go forwards, together.

But for now, I'd settle for holding Jessie in my arms, to hear the warmth of her laugh during a funny film.

What a mess.

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Newton Berry, September 18th

The Adkins' cat is wailing again. Poor old Bilbo is home alone. Probably missing the affectionate cuddles from Jessie and the warmth of her bed.

I feel like wailing but I reserve that only for when no one's in the house or when it's late.

"That sodding cat is doing my head in," my sister shouts as she stomps up the stairs. It's too early in the morning to be woken up by cats and careless footing.

The knock at my door forces me to pull the covers off and get dressed. When I open it, my sister Ellie shoves a postcard into my hand and tuts, "Oh, by the way it's your turn to go round next door and feed their stupid cat."

Jessie and her family have gone away for the weekend, to a wedding down in Cornwall for a cousin twice removed. She'll be back tomorrow, the day before she leaves for whichever Uni she's chosen. And from all the boxes in the garage and old stuff tossed out the front by the bins, something tells me it's not nearby Northlea she's headed to.

I'm not sure how to deal with that but my tummy's doing a good job of twisting itself into knots at the thought of not saying goodbye.

"Earth to Ellis!" Ellie says, waving a hand in my face. "You going to go feed the cat or what?"

"No. I can't," I say avoiding her gaze. I know she'll be mad but I just can't bring myself to go round, even with Jessie not there. It's too much. It'll be too easy to bed down under her covers and pretend like I'm back in America.

"Please," Ellie whines.

"No."

She stomps her foot. "You're such an idiot."

"Huh? Why?"

Barging in, she loops round to my bed and swings her legs as she sits on the mattress. "Cos, you're avoiding Jessie like she's got the plague and you're pining over her and it's so stupid. Just talk to the girl. Call her. Do something."

"There's nothing really to say," I choke out the words. Of course I'm lying. There's a lot to say I just have no idea how to start.

"Go apologise then. Obviously something happened whilst you guys were bunking off for the summer. I'd hedge my bets that it was likely caused by you."

When she laughs, I hang my head. "It's complicated."

"Isn't it always?" Ellie limply pats my shoulder. It's probably the most sibling affection she's shown me in years. There's even a hint of a sympathetic smile, that is until she pulls away and huffs once again. "Ellis, it's obvious you're in love with the girl. It's been obvious since like, well forever. All you ever talk about is Jessie this and Jessie that and I don't think I can go a day longer with you moping around."

I begin to protest. "But-"

"Mrs. Adkins told mum that Jessie's going away to London now, not to that naff Uni in Northlea."

I swallow hard. I'd known, really but to hear it hurts. I am both immensely happy and proud of her but sad too. We really both will be miles and miles apart. "That's why it's complicated. Nothing can ever be like how it was."

"Dude, it's just Uni. It's not like you're both off to fight in opposing wars! Though really, if you want Jessie in your life then fight for her."

I glance at her, shocked that she'd ever say anything remotely helpful, or that she'd even half care.

"Gross. I feel so gross," she says, pretending to gag. "Whatever, just stop being stupid and cheer the hell up."

"Thanks though," I reply quietly as she begins to leave, "and for agreeing to feed the cat." I give her my best, sweetest smile and she nods, slams the door and calls me a name under her breath.

On my bedroom floor, I take the postcard with the New York City sky line on the front and add it to the pile of American memories - ticket stubs, creased maps and photo booth black and white strips of Jessie and myself pulling faces for the camera.

So many memories of places and moments and all the things we experienced.

That's when the idea springs forth, along with knowing how stupid I have really been. I need to fight for our friendship and the future of it, whichever way it'll go. I need to bring my head back to the surface instead of burying it in the sand along side my feelings.

With the whole day ahead, I sit and collate everything together. I trace on the big American map I'd picked up before our trip all the places visited. I write memories on coloured stickers stolen from my sister's room and attach the faded ticket stubs and pictures.

Like leaving a breadcrumb trail for me to work my way back to her.

Tomorrow I will take it round and I will tell her that I'm sorry and that I don't want to lose her.

And that I love her.

Always.

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Newton Berry, 8.25am, September 19th

I try to eat the breakfast mum's prepared for me, before we set off this afternoon in a big six seater that my dad's rented to ferry all my belongings up to Leeds University, but it's hard work. My hearts racing and I can hardly stomach anything other than the air, I'm forgetting to take in because of all the nerves.

It's a handful of hours before I go but more importantly before Jessie goes. I've seen her dad out front load up a similar sized mini van with all her band posters and crates of obscure vinyl. But there's been no sign of her.

I know she's been sleeping in her room. The faint snoring that echoes through the boarded up chimney has been the soundtrack to my sleep for the past week. It's the only thing giving me any comfort.

This whole situations gotten so far beyond my control. But not for any longer. I made vow. A promise to take my decidedly creative arts and craft America map round, and to tell her, properly how I feel.

A knock at the door interrupts my trail of thought. My knees bang up under the table and mum shoots a look at dad, who grumpily leaves the kitchen and answers it.

I can't see much behind his bulky frame but I can see the shine of red wellies, reflect back the mornings sunlight.

My dad grumbles something. Mum prods my arm gently and says, "That'll be for you darling." And it's like I've put on space boots for the first time. My head feels off balance as my dad side steps and my visitor is revealed.

Jessie stands on the small porch step, hands in her dungaree pockets. She's got a striped top under it and her hairs all wild, curly, as if she's just woken up. When I rather unsteadily get up and pass my dad, she rubs at her eyes and I know she probably has. That, or she's been as tearful as I've been this morning, what with all the change and leaving the only life I've ever known behind.

"Jessie," I say, out of breath even through it's only a short walk to the front door.

When she flashes a smile at the mention, I feel like I might just take off, like a helicopter fueled by the toothy grin of the only girl I've ever loved.

"Hey you," Jessie says, brushing the edge of her trainers against the porch step. Some paint falls off and she stops.

I raise my gaze to the front of her dungaree pocket. There's a bunch of postcards in it, spread out like a fan. All those I sent her, even the blank ones.

"Look," she lifts her attention up and our eyes meet. "I'm... Well..."

"I'm sorry!" I say, blurting out the same string of words, in unison and she grins again.

"Sorry."

"No, I'm sorry."

"No I am," Jessie says, with a quiet laugh. "I mean, wow. I've wanted to say that for a while. Like the whole time we've been back. I'm sorry, again, that I haven't until now."

"No, no, honestly, it's me who should be the one apologising. I feel so awful that it's been like this. That I've let it happen."

She shrugs. "I didn't deal with it all that well. I was just scared. And stubborn, you know me."

"Jessie, I don't want us to not talk. I don't want it to be like this," I say, my voice cracking as I gently shut the door. "I've got this horribly feeling in the pit of my stomach and in my chest, from feeling like I might not be able to talk like we used to, or see you again."

She nods. "I know. Even with the distance, and everything that's happened, you know, between us." As she says this I focus on the way her lips move. Oh how I wish I could kiss them. "I don't want to lose you Ellis. How stupid would it be for me to throw it all away?"

"I don't want to either. Jessie..." I pause. I feel off balance again. The space boots failing. "I... I love you. I love you as a friend. I love you as so much more. I always have, I've just never known how to properly show it, or if you felt the same."

"I love you," she says quietly, almost like a whisper. "Just the same."

I want to wrap her up in my arms. "I honestly thought I'd... ruined everything. I thought I'd lost you."

"I'm here," Jessie says, tossing her hair back. "Maybe not for as long as I'd like, we're leaving in a few hours, to beat the traffic but I'm here, right now."

"That you are," I reach out to stroke her cheek. "I promise that I'll do everything I can to make sure I get to do that plenty and often."

Her eyes widen and her grin returns. "I'd like that."

"There's trains and planes-"

"And automobiles, to help. You'll be sick of me by the end of the first term," she giggles.

"Doubtful."

Taking another step closer, she asks if it's ok to come in. "Do you have a few minutes to spare?"

"For you? Always."

Her hand disappears behind her back. "And for this?" When she pulls her hand round, there's an old, scratched Ghostbusters DVD case gripped within it, which she waves at me like a loon.

My smile mirrors hers.

I look into her eyes as she gently nudges my shoulder and her fingertips weave into mine. "Once more, before we hit the road? What do you say?"

My head bows, to meet hers and I answer, the only way I can. With a kiss and a promise, "Always."

The End

A/N: I just wanted to say a big thank you to those have been reading. I hope you enjoyed it! One For The Road was something I wrote during the summer to get me out of a long slog of not wanting to write anything.

It was really fun and lighthearted and though this is the last chapter, I hope to write a short Epilogue one day, just to round it off fully.

Once again, thank you :)