Chapter Seventeen

San Francisco

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"And there's gold falling from the ceiling of this world. Falling from the heartbeat of this girl. Falling from the things we should have learned." Angus & Julia Stone - Jessie

San Francisco, 10am, September 1st

Jessie

It's typical of Ellis to decide half an hour before the coach arrives to pick us up for our day long trip to Muir woods and the other side of San Fran that he wants to talk.

Apparently the silence is killing him.

I don't really have it in me to talk so early in the morning, especially not after a rotten nights sleep and all the crying and anger but I also don't have it in me to fight back. 

All the lies and covering up have worn me down. I'm surprised I've got the energy enough to be upright. All I want to do is bury my head and wake up in a different reality. 

I did a half arsed job of that yesterday, though I came back earlier than I'd have liked due to the worry that Ellis might come looking for me or get the police or worse, my parents involved to track me down. When I did sulk back into our depressing hotel room, I shut myself in the bathroom for a soak that turned into four hours of avoiding 'more talk'. 

Until, I started to worry about trench foot and my skin falling off. And I might not want to be here, with Ellis or in my head or this situation but I sure don't want to die in a bathtub in a dirty hotel. 

"Jessie, can you give me five minutes, please, that's all I ask," Ellis says. His eyes are all dark, like he didn't sleep well either. I wouldn't know, I slept in the tub with a towel for a pillow and duvet.

"It's going to take longer than five minutes to change my mind that you're a liar."

He sighs heavily and perches on the edge of the bed. "Please, just listen and then that's it, okay?"

I shuffle closer but make do with standing. "Two minutes. We have to be outside in three."

"Okay. Alright."

"Go on then, shower me in excuses." I know I'm being difficult but he's lied. He's strung me along this entire time. And he's had so many chances to tell me or drop hints. 

A part of me can understand, to some degree that it must be hard to come out and say it but this way seems cruel. How could I have been so blissfully unaware like a fool?

Ellis has let me say and feel stuff that I'd never have if he'd told me, but then that's the whole point isn't it? He knows full well that none of this would have happened between us if he'd been truthful and told me all about his plans to disappear half way up the country. 

"I was worried about how you'd react, firstly, because I know it would upset you," he begins, slowly, giving me puppy dog eyes and a flick of his hair. I remain unmoved by both gestures. "And secondly because you'd probably be mad at me. So mad that you might not want to talk or have anything to do with me after."

"So you decided to wait until after we'd kissed and what...fucked? Some how that would be a better time to tell me?" Oh god. I hate the way I sound but my adrenaline's kicked in and I can't stop myself. 

"Jessie! You keep saying that but I've already told you - I've wanted to be with you for pretty much as along as I can remember. Kissing you and taking this to the next level was never just a 'bit of fun'. I care about you."

I turn away. I hate the way his voice cracks. Soon they'll be tears. "Funny way of showing it."

"This whole Uni thing as been hard for me too. I don't know what I want for breakfast, let alone what I want for my future but the only constant is you," Ellis reaches out for my hand. "Always you, as a friend, as more."

"Sure."

"And you'd never forgive me for ruining this trip. What if I'd told you the day before we left? or the day we arrived?" Or on the road? You'd have been way more mad, trust me."

Blowing off steam, I laugh. Nothing is remotely funny but it's a reaction that I can't stop either. He might as well be talking in Spanish. "If you're serious about not fully ruining the rest of this trip then let me at least half enjoy it, without having to listen to your bullshit excuses and fake talk about 'caring for me' or giving a shit."

Quietly he nods his head, before pinching the bridge of his nose. "You can hate me all you want for saying this but you shouldn't be going to Northlea. Not now you've got the higher grades, you should be going to London, to a Uni that will open up so many more opportunities."

Ellis isn't wrong. The logical side of my mind agrees that Northlea's a load of shit. It's the easy option but it's only ever been an option because it would have allowed us to keep what we had for the past ten years - friendship, and up until yesterday's bombshell revelation, our newfound but long time coming relationship.

"You can dress it up however you want, the fact remains, you lied. For a long time. Over and over," I say, trying not to show that I want to cry until there's no need to cry over anything, ever again. "I'm supposed to be your best friend and you should be able to tell me anything and you chose not to, even though you knew it would hurt me."

"But I was scared too," His green eyes widen. Mum was right. They are his best feature. "You don't always react so well to stuff."

The knife twists further. "You're scared of me? Is that what you mean?"

He half shrugs and nods and then shakes his head, confused. 

"I hate it when you say that. I really do." My voice waivers and I take the nearest wall for support. "Why would you be scared of your friend? Just admit it Ellis, half of our friendship is based on the fact that you're too scared to supposedly say no or otherwise and then you blame it on me. It's an easy cop out."

"I never wanted you to hate me. I didn't want you to do this - give me the silent treatment and then tear me down, make me feel shit. More than I already do."

"I'm not a monster. Why do you always paint me as one?" I say, with my palms flat against the wall. I look at the alarm clock by the bed and feel thankful that we've got thirty seconds of this and then I don't have to say anymore. 

"I'm not but it's hard to get through to you when you're angry like this, or not willing to listen," Ellis buries his head in his hands. "I know that's how you feel but you've got to cut me some slack at a certain point. You can't treat me like this forever."

I gather the courage and energy to leave the wall and grab my backpack. "You want to know what I really feel?"

He slowly rises to his feet from the bed and his gaze softens. "Of course."

Tossing my backpack over one shoulder, I unlock the door and sigh, without turning back. "I'm terrified. The thought of being apart from you, first and foremost as a friend terrifies me. I've given everything to you Ellis, to us, so then to think of the future and all the new possibilities, all the new obstacles now in our way scares me shitless. I've no control over it. I can't do anything to stop it." I pause before opening the door. "And by the sounds of it neither can you."

"But Jessie, we can figure out ways to-"

"We've spent the past ten years 'figuring it out',"  I say quietly. "I don't think either one of us has got it in us for anymore."

This was never how it was supposed to be for us, but all good things must come to an end. That's what they say. 

Life doesn't care about coach trips or non fundable tours or feelings or love. No matter how long it's taken to grow. 

Ellis begins to protest but I don't want to hear it. It'll hurt less. 

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San Francisco, Travelodge by the Bay, 8.30pm, September 2nd

It's strange how easy it's become to exist and manoeuvre around in silence. I've seen Muir woods and the pretty town of Sausalito, the Golden Gate Bridge and Fisherman's Wharf, all without having to utter a word to Ellis. 

I've mastered all the looks too. You know, the ones that say Yes, I have packed my travel card in my purse and No, I'm not hungry for your left over fries or milkshake. 

Although I am a little surprised to find that Ellis hasn't tried to broach the subject of his betrayal again since our two minutes the day before. 

Maybe I took it too far. Maybe I said too much. Maybe he's trying to be considerate or ease the eventual pain of having to leave, not only America but each other. 

I wonder if he's quietly distancing himself so it won't be such a shock. If maybe he's cutting loose in time for Uni and all it's many new perks. 

My mum called in the morning but I didn't have the energy to tell her. Ellis must have heard how fake cheerful I was or noticed that I didn't enter the bathroom with blotchy cheeks or tear stained eyes. 

And now I'm alone. Well, I do have a soppy TV movie for company but it sucks. Ellis has gone for a walk round the block. He left a note for when I got out the shower.

Gone to clear my head. If you need anything I've got my phone. E x

He's been leaving notes all day.

I leave him one in the bathroom, on the fogged up bathroom cabinet mirror.

It says I miss you. 

I know I shouldn't have but it was done before I could bother to care about what consequences it might bring. How it might come back to hurt me.

Alone in beds pushed apart, I trace circles on my skin like Ellis did before, so I can feel something else because this all feels like an icky dream. 

Did it ever happen?

Did we?

I know he thinks I'm mad and angry and pissed. That I might at any minute castrate him or say something horrendously spiteful to crush him but really, truth me told I'm just horribly sad. 

Even though he's done wrong, when he's not here it's no fun at all. Life feels slow and a bit empty, a little less worthwhile. I've no one to share this crappy TV movie with. No one to laugh with about the terrible interludes or men's viagra pill adverts, or the weather guy with the crazy beard and facial expressions. 

And when Ellis returns, sometime after ten, my heart freezes as his footsteps near the bathroom. 

But it's too late for my true fogged up feelings to be discovered.

He takes off his shoes, hoodie and jeans and slips into bed without a word.

Then, he turns out the lights.