I ran away while crying so hard, alam ko rin na nakasunod sa akin si Nisha dahil kanina pa siya tawag ng tawag sa akin.

Pagkarating namin sa apartment ni Shin ay agad akong kumatok ng malakas sa pinto niya.

"He won't open that damn door. Kahit ano pang gawin mo." Nisha said while panting because we both ran.

"Hindi Nisha! Kailangan niyang buksan 'to. Kailangan ko siyang kausapin." Kumatok pa uli ako at halos isigaw na ang pangalan niya.

"Mahigit isang linggo na siyang ganyan," dagdag niya.

"Hindi pumapasok, hindi makausap ng matino, I don't know what's happening to him...I don't want to see him that way, that's why I came to see you."

"Ano bang magagawa ko? Gusto kong tumulong, Nisha!"

Hindi ko kayang tanggapin kung may mangyari sa kanyang masama. I feel so bad that I almost hate him inside my mind. I feel so bad na nagtampo ako dahil sa ginawa niya.

Hindi ko alam ang nangyari. Hindi ko alam na gano'n pala kalala.

"I have a key. I'll open it, so calm yourself first, okay?"

Tumango naman ako at inabot 'yong flask ko para makainom ng tubig.

When the door clicked ay agad akong umambang papasok pero pinigilan ako ni Nisha.

"Huwag mong gugulatin. Kahit na walang emosyon na pinapakita ay alam kong maraming tumatakbo sa isip niya. Just be calm and talk to him, please. Dito lang ako sa labas," aniya. Tumango naman agad ako sa kanya at hinawakan siya sa kamay.

She's so strong.

"Salamat, Nisha."

She just gave me a nod.

"Please help me help Shin, Erika."

Determindo akong tumango.

I took a deep breathe as I step inside his unit. I am nervous...and somehow excited to see him again. Kinakabahan dahil hindi ko alam kung ano ang madadatnan ko, I just hope he's not skipping his meals, I hope he's not torturing himself.

Nasagot naman ang tanong ko no'ng makita ko siyang nakaupo sa sofa, nakapikit, at may hawak na lata ng softdrinks sa kaliwang kamay.

Nanginig ang kamay ko. I missed him so much, gusto ko siyang yakapin pero gusto ko ring sundin ang sinabi ni Nisha.

I need to be calm.

"S-Shin..." My voice broke.

His eyes flew open at napansin ko agad ang kanyang eyebags at malalalim na mata. His face also look pale.

Hindi ba siya natutulog? Bakit ganito...why does he look like a sick person?

"What are you doing here?" diretso niyang tanong saka binitawan ang hawak na can.

My mind went blank when I heard his voice. 'Yong mahina niyang boses na hindi nagpapalyang patibukin ng malakas at mabilis ang puso ko...'yong boses niyang gustong-gusto kong pakinggan.

I missed him so much that I couldn't control myself anymore. Tumakbo ako palapit sa kanya at mahigpit siyang niyakap.

Pagkatapos ng lahat ng nalaman ko at pagkatapos ko siyang makita ngayon ay hindi ko na kayang magkaroon pa ako ng distansya mula sa kanya.

I don't want him to feel alone and sad...I want to be always with him, anuman ang mangyari. Kahit ipagtabuyan pa niya ako, hinding-hindi ko siya iiwan.

I tried to hide my sobs pero hindi ko na magawa. I am sad to hear everything but I am also happy to see him again. Hindi ko na alam, mababaliw na yata ako.

"What are you doing...why are you crying?" He tried to push me away pero hindi ako nagpatinag.

Hinding-hindi na, Shin. Gawin mo na ang lahat, hindi mo na ako maitataboy palayo.

"Hindi kita iiwan. Kahit anong sabihin mo, hindi na ako ulit aalis." Mariin kong sabi habang hinihigpitan ang yakap ko sa kanya. "Hinding-hindi na."

"Don't do that, magsisisi ka lang." Malamig ang kanyang boses at walang emosyon.

Umiling ako. Hindi ako magsisisi. Alam ko 'yon. Papanindigan ko ang desisyon kong 'to kahit na anong mangyari, ayaw kong magkalayo kami.

"Hinding-hindi ako magsisisi...hindi kita iiwan! Kahit ano pang gawin at sabihin mo!" mariin at pagalit kong sabi.

Gusto kong kumalma pero hindi ko na magagawa 'yon. I don't want him to push me away anymore dahil hindi ko kayang lumayo pa sa kanya.

"I am not worth it. Don't stick with me. I will just drag you down and I don't want that to happen."

What? Agad akong umiling. Bakit niya iniisip 'yon? He would never, I am sure of that. We will overcome his fears together. Gagawin ko ang lahat. As long as I am with him, kakayanin at makakaya ko ang lahat.

"Hindi! Everything about you are worth it, and I will stick with you no matter what!" pasigaw kong sabi. I don't want him to think that he's not worth it, never!

"You are the risk that I'll be forever willing to take, Shin." I whispered to him.

He shook his head and held me tightly.

"I will just ruin your beautiful life, I am not a good person for you."

Umiling ako at inabot ang mukha niya.

"My life will not be beautiful without you...so please, just let me stay in your life." My tears rolled down and I saw him stared at it.

"My mental health condition is not good...I have an anxiety disorder and trauma. I don't want you to suffer with me. I can't forgive myself if you got ruined because of me."

I know, Shin. I know. That's why I won't leave you. I just can't...hindi ko kaya.

Hinawi ko ang buhok niya at tiningnan ko siya ng diretso sa mata.

"No, we will fight together and beat it, okay?"

"No, I don't want you to go through the same hell with me, I want you to live your life freely and happy. You have a bright future ahead, I don't want you to waste your time on people like me."

Napahagulgol ako habang umiiling ng mariin at isinubsob ang mukha sa leeg niya.

Why does he think about me that much? Why does he care that much about my future? Why is he thinking that he will ruin when all I want is him?

And people like him? Why is he underestimating himself that much...

And it's not hell but heaven when I am with him.

Marami akong gustong sabihin pero hindi ko na alam kung paano ko sisimulan.

"Hindi ako ang para sayo, Allison."

Dagdag niya na siyang mas nagpaiyak sa akin.

Now, he's annoying me. Hindi para sa akin? Kung ganoon, sino ang para sa akin?

"NO! Kahit anong sabihin mo, hindi ako lalayo! 'Yan ang desisyon ko! Hindi kita hahayaang mabuhay ng ganito habang-buhay, I will be here with you until we both die!" sigaw ko sa kanya, ayaw ko ng marinig pa ang pangmamaliit niya sa sarili niya.

It's just too much to hear, nasasaktan ako para sa kanya.

"I don't want to get used to your presence because I will just depend on you."

Umiling ako. Pati 'yon?

"I can't give you what other people can, I am not worthy of anything, I am afraid that..." He looked away.

"NO!"

"....you will lose yourself because of me."

Mariin akong umiling at hinawakan siya sa balikat.

"No," nanghihina kong sabi.

"I will just lose myself if I am not with you," nakapikit mata kong sabi.

"Leave now, I don't want you here."

I immediately opened my eyes because of what he said.

Again? He's telling me to leave because he thought he would ruin me?

What a bullshit!

"Nisha, take her home." He looked at the door, like he knew too well that Nisha's outside.

Umiling ako. Nisha gave me this chance. I regret leaving that day, but now, I will never do the same mistake again.

I held his hands tightly and looked directly in his eyes.

I don't know if what the words that I am going to say would bring...pero gusto ko lang na malaman niya 'yon...because it's what I feel. I want him to know that I can't bear living without him in my life.

I want him to know that he's too precious to me.

I gathered all my strength and took a deep breathe.

"Look at me, Shin."

I touched his cheek, puoring all my emotions on that touch.

"Listen carefully to me."

This is now or never.

"I love you, Shin." I said with all my heart.

Hindi ako umiwas ng tingin, I maintained the eye contact with him and after almost a minute of staring into each other's eyes, he was the one who looked away.

But after that, he looked at me again.

"That's a joke, right?" nakatulala niyang sabi.

Umiling ako. How could that be a fucking joke?

"That should be a joke." dagdag pa niya.

Mariin akong umiling. Bakit ba ayaw niyang maniwala? Bakit ba ang hirap niyang kumbinsihin, but I will never ever give up on him. Like how he tried so hard to not give up in this life.

"I love you, I really do. And it will break me so bad kung patuloy mo akong ipagtutulakan palayo sayo, please just let me be with you." I pleaded as I held his hands.

"Please, I don't want us to be separated! Please, I want to see you everyday. Just let me do that, please?" I added, and he just stared at me with his mouth half open.

After that, his hand suddenly moved and touched my cheek.

"Listen to me, Allison...I will just ruin you."

Ipinikit kong muli ang mata ko.

"Yes, you will ruin me kung patuloy mo 'tong gagawin. Kung patuloy mo akong ipagtatabuyan palayo sayo."

His eyes suddenly travelled from my cheek down to my lips kaya napalunok ako. But when I looked at him again ay nakatingin na siya ng diretso sa mata ko.

"I will be possessive of you at kapag masanay ako na lagi kang nandyan baka gustuhin ko ng araw-araw kang makita, I don't want to be a burden to you..." He said while looking at my eyes.

Unti-unti akong napangiti dahil sa sinabi niya.

"Meet everyday? I would also love to do that."

Umiling siya at hinawakan ang beywang ko, parang nakuryente ako dahil sa paghawak niyang 'yon. Leche.

"What if you get tired of me?"

Napataas ako ng kilay, is he scared of that?

"I will never! Remember that." Mariin kong sabi, I want him to stick that in his mind.

Ilang sandali pa siyang tumitig ng diretso sa mata ko kaya napatitig din ako sa kanya.

His eyes. His nose. His eyelashes. His lips.

He looks perfect and he doesn't deserve what he'd been through. Starting now, I want to make sure that he would feel all the love he failed to receive while growing up. I want him to feel that he's worth it.

Napalundag ang puso ko no'ng maramdaman ang yakap niya sa akin.

Parang gusto kong tumili, pero saka na, reserve ko nalang mamaya sa bahay. Sinulit ko ang pagkakataon, I hugged him back and rested my head on his chest. Ang bango, parang baby.

"I missed you," he suddenly whispered.

Leche! Paano kumalma?

"If you won't leave now, I may not be able to hold back anymore."

Agad akong napahiwalay sa kanya dahil sa sinabi niya. I held his face and smiled.

"I'd love that."

Ibinaba naman niya ang kamay niya at umiwas ng tingin.

"Then you're mine now."

Eh?

Napakurap-kurap ako. Tama ba ang narinig ko? O nag-iilusyon lang ako?

Did he really say that?

"You're mine, Allison."

Oh, fuck. Napahawak ako sa dibdib ko dahil lalabas na yata 'yong puso ko.

"Mine only, not that boy's." dagdag pa niya na ikakunot ng noo ko.

"Huh?" nalilito kong tanong.

Nanginig naman ako no'ng mapansin ang dahan-dahang paglapit ng mukha niya.

"I've been dying to do this..."

He held my face and seconds after that, I felt his lips on mine.

Oh. My. God!

"Akin ka lang, Allison."