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MACKENNA

I AM UNABLE TO EAT properly. I couldn't get more than five hours of sleep. I can't stop thinking about and worrying about my sister. I just...want to be beside Savanna or take her with me so Foster wouldn't be able to hurt her again.

Sobrang sakit lang malaman na 'yong taong mahal na mahal ng kapatid ko ay nagagawa siyang saktan. Hindi lang emotionally kung hindi physically.

When Savanna first introduced Foster to me when they started dating, I had my doubts. Foster is the type of guy who, in an argument, would rather use violence, as I've seen him beat the shit out of some guy before when we were partying. But I couldn't have imagined... I couldn't imagine him doing it to my sister as well.

I accepted him for my sister because I thought he would be able to take care of him, but I was wrong. Definitely wrong! Hanggang ngayon nag-ngingitngit pa rin ako sa galit sa t'wing maiisip ko 'yung mga pasa at sugat na nakita ko sa katawan ni Savanna.

Kahapon ay binisita ko ulit si Savanna at nag-kwentuhan ulit kami, pero sa t'wing binabanggit ko si Foster at mga pananakit nito sakaniya ay agad niyang iniiba ang usapan. Ipinakita rin niya sa'kin kahapon 'yung mga nakatagong baby clothes, baby bottles at kung ano-ano pang gamit na binili niya nang patago para sa baby niya. Nakalagay lahat 'yon sa isang box at nakatago 'yon sa storage room nila para hindi raw makita ni Foster.

"Sav..." I called out. She was busy folding the baby clothes back to the box that she had proudly shown me a while ago.

"Hmm?"

"About the baby..." I began to stutter. Agad siyang napatigil sa pagtutupi sa hawak niyang onesies. Before continuing with my question, I let out a sigh.

"When are you planning to tell Foster about the baby? In a few months, your baby bump will grow even bigger, and you won't be able to hide the baby from Foster anymore."

I don't want to put Savanna under any distress, but I do need to know all of her plans. Everything. I'm tired of being in the dark. And I'm not going to let her do it on her own. I will make sure that I stay beside her no matter what.

Savanna took a deep breath out. I could tell she still didn't have any plans just by hearing her sigh deeply.

"I-I... don't know yet," she replied before sighing again.

"Why don't you just tell him the truth? Baka sakaling—"

"No!" When her voice raised, I was taken aback. Her voice trembled with dread, and I could hear it. Mabilis gumala 'yong mga mata ni Savanna sa paligid ng kuwarto na tila ba natatakot dahil may mananakit sakaniya. "I'm sorry, Kenna. I didn't mean to yell." mabilis na paghingi niya nang tawad.

"Is he... gonna hurt you if he finds out that you're pregnant?" I boldly asked with my fist clenched in anger, but she remained quiet and didn't answer my question, so I didn't push any further.

Savanna's scared, but she doesn't want to let go of him. Sinabi niya rin sa'kin na ayaw niyang maging kagaya ng pamilya namin ang pamilya niya. Ayaw niyang masira ang relasyon na binuo nila ni Foster kaya hinding-hindi siya bibitaw sakaniya. 'Yon ang paulit-ulit niyang sinasabi sa'kin sa t'wing babanggitin ko si Foster sakaniya.

Just like the past couple of days, I'm going to visit Savanna again today. But this time, I want to go out with her so I can buy my soon to be niece or nephew some baby stuff. Ang sabi kasi ni Savanna ay patago lang siyang namimili ng mga damit para sa baby niya at halos hindi na siya bumibili ng mga gamit pansarili niya dahil inilalaan niya lahat 'to para sa baby niya. Kaya minsan nagtataka na si Foster kung bakit ang bilis maubos ng pera nila.

Pagdating ko sa bahay nila ay agad kong pinag-ayos si Savanna para makaalis kami agad. Maaga pa naman, at 5 p.m. pa ang uwi ni Foster kaya marami-rami pa kaming oras para mamili. Konti nalang din ang natitirang pera ko, at nakalaan na dapat 'tong natitirang pera sa susunod na buwan para sa renta ng apartment dahil hindi ako aalis ng Brooklyn ng hindi kasama si Savanna. I'm planning to stay here until I make sure that Savanna's safe.

"Oh, my gosh! These are so cute, Sav! We have to get this for my pamangkin!" I squealed like a child when I saw the cute little shoes for babies. They're so tiny and super cute! Hindi pa namin alam ang gender kaya mostly pang unisex ang kinukuha kong color at damit.

We went to the nearest mall to shop some baby clothes. Balak ko ring bilhan ng mga gamit si Sav dahil pansin ko na halos may butas na ang mga t-shirt na sinusuot niya. Lahat ng damit at gamit na kinuha niya sa'kin noon ay nabenta na niya para makapag-settle down sila ni Foster sa Brooklyn, kaya wala ring natirang gamit sakaniya.

"Grabe, hindi ko alam na nakakatuwa palang mamili ng baby clothes! Sobrang cute lahat." Masayang sambit ko. Nakasunod lang si Savanna sa'kin habang tinutulak 'yong pushcart namin, habang ako naman ay excited na namimili ng damit para sa baby niya.

I'm going to spoil my pamangkin a lot! I'm going to shower her with so much love!

"Mackenna, sandali lang." Nagulat ako nang bigla akong hawakan ni Savanna sa braso kaya napatigil ako sa pagkuha doon sa nakita kong cute onesies for newborn.

Napalingon ako sakaniya at agad na kumunot ang noo ko dahil sa ekspresyon ng mukha niya. Savanna has a highly expressive face. That's why I can always tell whether she's happy, angry, or sad. Her face conveyed her emotions, and just like she does today, she seems both ashamed and sad as she stares at me.

"Nakakahiya... hindi mo naman kailangan bumili ng gamit para sa baby ko. I know you're still struggling after what I've done to you."

"Sav..." I held her hand that was holding my arm and gently squeezed it. Her eyes are glistening from the tears she's trying to keep back. "I want to do this for my pamangkin so don't try to stop me because I won't."

"But—"

"No more buts, Sav. I can handle myself. You're the one who told me that I'm a strong and independent woman. That I'm a fighter, right?" I smiled at her, and a tear streamed down her cheek. I brushed her tears away with my thumb. "You don't have to worry about me. I'm fine." I flashed her my most honest smile, assuring her that I was alright despite what she had done to me, and drew her in for a hug.

"When you're being like this, Kenna, I feel even more guilty because what I did to you is unforgiveable. But you, on the other hand, always find the good in everyone, even the worst among them... I'm very fortunate to be your sister because you're the sweetest and most kind person I've ever met. My baby is really blessed to have you as an aunt."

I pulled away from our hug and stared at her eyes intently. "Just promise me one thing, Sav," I said, and she nodded her head. "You will never hurt yourself again. And that you will never let anyone, even the one you love, hurt you physically."

Hindi agad sumagot si Savanna at niyakap lang ako.

"Sav, please promise me that." pag-uulit ko at saka ko naramdaman ang kaniyang pagtango.

"Okay. I promise."

After our talk, we resumed shopping for baby supplies. Mas naging masigla na rin si Savanna sa pamimili hindi kagaya kanina na parang napipilitan lang. Mga bandang 4:30 p.m. ay umuwi na kami dahil pauwi na si Foster galing trabaho. Kahit na gusto ko pang makasama ang kapatid ko ay nagpupumilit na siyang umuwi dahil papauwi na si Foster at ayaw niyang dumating ito sa bahay nila nang wala siya doon. Hindi ko na siya pinilit pa at sinunod ko nalang ang gusto niya.

Nangako naman siya sa'kin kanina, and that's more than enough for me. Kaya kahit papaano ay hindi na ako gano'ng nag-aalala na may mangyayari sakaniya. I trust her that she will take care of herself.

Ako na muna ang nag-uwi sa lahat ng mga pinamili naming gamit. Two hundred dollars nalang ang natitirang pera kodahil ako lahat nagbayad ng pinamili namin, pero kahit kaunting panghihinayang ay hindi ko maradaman dahil lahat naman 'to ay para sa pamangkin ko. Balak ko ring kausapin si Ryder para tanggapin 'yung trabaho na inaalok niya sa'kin dahil mukhang matatagalan pa ako dito sa Brooklyn at kailangan ko ng source of income while staying here.

And speaking of Ryder, nagulat ako nang makita ko si Ryder na nakatayo at nag-aabang sa'kin sa tapat ng apartment building ko. "Ryder! What are you doing here?" agad na tanong ko pagkababa ko sa taxicab.

"I'll get that." he said, before quickly taking the paper bags from me.

"Thank you. Have you been waiting for me?" I asked. We were walking side by side towards my apartment room.

He shyly grinned at me. "Yeah, since after lunch."

"What?! Why didn't you call me?"

"I did, actually. A lot of times." agad akong napatigil sa paglalakad at saka ko kinuha 'yung cellphone ko. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang makita kong ang dami ngang missed calls ni Ryder sa'kin simula pa kanina. Agad akong napakagat sa ibabang labi ko dahil sa hiya. Hindi ko alam na naka-silent pala 'yung cellphone ko kaya hindi ko napansin 'yung pagtawag niya. Masyado rin kasi akong occupied sa pamimili kanina.

"I'm so sorry, Ryder. I didn't know that my phone was on silent mode." I apologize.

He moved all the paper bags in one hand and tousled my hair with his free hand. "No need to apologize. It's all right. I just came to check on you." he then smiled at me as I gave him an apologetic smile.

I invited Ryder inside my apartment and offered him some juice. I saw that he was sweating a lot, maybe because he'd been standing outside in the sun. Mainit pa naman ngayon kaya sobrang pinagpawisan siya. Namumula na rin 'yung mga braso niya dahil nabilad siya sa araw.

"You got sunburnt." I pointed at her burnt arm. "I'm really sorry again for keeping you waiting for so long." I apologize again. We're sitting on the small couch in my living room.

"It's a free tan. I don't have to pay to be tanned." Ryder cracked a joke, and we both burst out laughing. He then set the glass of juice down on the coffee table and his face became serious again. "Actually, I'm more concerned that you're avoiding me because of my confession to you." Diretsong sagot niya at napakagat ako sa ibabang labi ko dahil hindi ko alam ang isasagot ko. Sa sobrang occupied ko nitong mga nakaraang araw kay Savanna ay hindi ko na narereplyan ang mga text ni Ryder sa'kin, miski si Scout.

"I didn't mean to avoid you. I just got busy with my sister. I spent most of my time with her." I replied. I nervously took another sip from my glass of juice.

"I'm really glad to hear that from you. How was she doing?"

I gave him a small smile. "She's doing well. And I'm really glad that we are slowly working things out again,"

"I am so happy for you, Kenna." Ryder smiled at me with a boyish grin that made my heart skip a beat. He's a truly kind person, and I could see the sincerity in his eyes. "I'm happy to see you happy."

"Thank you," I replied.

Ryder stared at me before shifting his gaze from my eyes to my lips. Napalunok ako sa paraan ng pagtitig niya sa'kin. My heart begins to race, and my hands begin to sweat.

I was about to say anything as an excuse when he said. "Can I kiss you?"

His question made my heart skip a beat. His face is growing closer to mine, and I'm at a loss for words. Puwede ko namang sabihin na hindi, pero ayaw bumuka ng bibig ko para sagutin 'yung tanong niya.

He's so near that our noses are practically touching. "I really want to kiss you, Mackenna, but I need your permission first." His deep blue eyes are locked on my lips as he waits for me to reply.

"Mack—"

"Okay." I replied, before shutting my eyes closed and allowing his lips to crash into mine.

And I'm not sure what's going on with me, but the instant I closed my eyes, Scout's face flashed into my mind like a fire, and I felt like a moth about to be burnt.

W H A T Y A S E Y