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MACKENNA

DO YOU EVER WISH YOU could go back in time and change what you've just done? Because I do. I spoke too soon. I acted too quickly without considering the repercussions, and now I'm going to pay the price. I just realized I gave Ryder the wrong signal after kissing him. By allowing him to kiss me, I was just signaling to him that I could have the same feelings for him as he has for me.

I hate the fact that I allowed my emotions to take over and did something I will later regret. Worse, when kissing him, I can't stop thinking about Scout!

Para akong masusuka dahil sa tumatakbo sa isip ko. Pakiramdam ko ang sama-sama kong tao dahil sa ginawa ko. Ryder doesn't deserve that half-assed kiss. And definitely, doesn't deserve me.

"Kens?" someone said, before snapping their fingers in front of my face. "Earth to Mackenna Evans?"

"S-sorry," I apologized to Savanna while fiddling with my fingers nervously. Nakalimutan kong magkasama kami ngayon.

Bahagyang kumunot 'yung noo niya habang nakatingin sa'kin. "What's up with you today? Did something happen?"

Mabilis akong umiwas ng tingin bago umiling. "These are super cute!" pag-iiba ko ng usapan, pero mukhang walang plano si Sav na hindi malaman kung ano 'yung bumabagabag sa'kin.

"Tell me what's bothering you." utos niya pero nag kunwari akong walang narinig at nagpatuloy lang ako sa pagtingin ng mga baby clothes na inaayos namin. Dinala ko kasi 'yung ibang pinamili namin kahapon ngayon para maiayos at maitago namin sa box niya na nandito sa bahay nila.

Savanna suddenly snatched the newborn onesie that I was holding.

"Spill. I'm listening."

"Ayaw. Wala naman akong sasabihin."

"Did you forget that I'm your sister? Alam ko kapag may gumugulo diyan sa isip mo, Kenna. Kaya sabihin mo na sa'kin."

I forgot that Savanna is like a psychic. She could always tell when something was bothering me. She often compares me to an open book that she can readily read. If I can read Savanna's emotions by her facial expressions, well, she can easily read mine simply by looking at me. 'Yong tipong kahit nakatulala at wala naman akong ginagawa, malalaman at malalaman pa rin niya kapag may problema ako sa isang tinginan lang.

Savanna is like a mother to me—well, she'll be a mother soon, but she's like a mother, a sister, and a best friend to me.

To me, she is everything.

"I understand if you're hesitating on trusting me compared to before, but I just want you to know that I'm here and ready to listen to you. Kahit hindi ka humingi ng payo sa'kin dahil alam ko namang mas alam mo kung ano ang tama." She paused and reached for my hand, gently squeezing it. "But I'm always willing to lend an ear and listen to your rants and problems all day."

I sighed. "It's not that I don't trust you, Sav. I really do, I promise."

"Is it some guy?" Sav gave me a meaningful look.

"I'm just really embarrassed to tell you what I did."

Agad napasinghap si Savanna dahil sa sinabi ko tapos hinampas ko siya sa braso at saka inirapan. "We didn't have sex, okay?" I defensively said.

Nagkibit balikat siya. "Wala naman akong sinasabi. Ang defensive mo, ha." Tapos saka siya tumawa.

She shifted from her seat, so she's now facing me. "Anyway, so who is this lucky guy?" She asked, wiggling her eyebrows at me.

I sighed. "I met him when I first came to Brooklyn. He's a wonderful person. He's the one that helped me in settling in here, offered me with a decent job, and is a genuinely caring guy, but—"

"But you don't like him." She cut me off and finished the sentence for me.

"I mean, I like him... but probably not in the same way he likes me. Besides, I'm not going to be here long. I'll have to leave Brooklyn and return to Vegas soon."

"You're still going back to Vegas?" She asked and her expression changed noticeably.

I pursed my lips in a thin line before slowly nodded my head. "Pero hindi ako aalis hanggat hindi kita kasama. I will not leave you here alone, Sav."

Nagulat ako nang bigla nalang tumayo si Sav mula sa pagkakaupo. My forehead creased in confusion.

"Sav?" pagtawag ko sakaniya at saka ko siya sinundan papunta sa kusina.

"Did I say something wrong?" naguguluhang tanong ko. I saw her clench her jaw while pouring herself a glass of water. "Sinabi ko lang naman 'yung totoo na hindi ako aalis dito hanggat nandito ka."

"Fucking. Stop. Saying. That. Mackenna!" she exclaimed before slamming the glass of water on the kitchen counter. Her abrupt outburst made me flinch. "I don't want to hear that from you anymore! So, please lang tumigil ka na. I don't want you to make any sacrifices for me. I don't want you to do anything for me because I'm capable of managing my own affairs. And I know you just want me to leave Foster!"

Napakagat ako sa ibabang labi ko at para akong maiiyak.

"Foster doesn't deserve you, and you know that. He's hurting you! He's manipulating you!"

"What the fuck do you know huh?" she glared at me. Kitang-kita ko ang pagtaas-baba ng dibdib niya dahil sa galit.

"I'm just worried about you, Sav. Gusto ko lang naman na makasigurado na maayos kayo ng pamangkin ko, pero bakit para ako pa 'yong masama sa paningin mo?" malumanay na sabi ko dahil ayaw kong sumigaw. Ayaw kong magsigawan kaming dalawa. Hindi rin makakabuti 'yun at buntis siya.

"I'm perfectly fine, Mackenna. So, stop butting in on my family. Alam ko kung anong makakabuti para samin ng anak ko!" sigaw niya.

I walked towards her. "Sav, just please try to understand me," I said and reached for her hand to calm her, but she just flicked my hand away.

"Ako ang intindihin mo, Mackenna. Magkakaanak na kaming dalawa. He loves me, and I love him, and we are going to build our own family."

"What if he wouldn't accept your baby?"

"Take that back." nag-iigting ang panga niya habang nakatingin sa'kin ng masama.

"Even if I take back what I said, sa'yo na rin mismo nanggaling na natatakot kang malaman niya ang tungkol sa baby niyo." I clenched my fist. "And he loves you?" I scoffed. "Wake up, Savanna! Kung talagang mahal ka niya hindi ka niya magagawang saktan."

Mabilis na dumampi ang palad niya sa kaliwang pisngi ko. Nagulat ako dahil sa pagsampal niya sa'kin, at kasabay no'n ang mabilis na pagtulo ng luha sa mga mata ko.

"I-i'm still hoping that you'll realize one day that what he's doing to you is no longer love. Kahit hindi nalang para sa sarili mo, para nalang sa magiging anak mo, sana maisip mo 'yung mga sinasabi ko." I uttered this before turning around and leaving with a hollow in my heart.

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Nagising ako dahil sa tunog mula sa cellphone ko. Ramdam ko ang hapdi sa mga mata ko dahil sa walang tigil kong pag-iyak simula kanina pagkatapos kong umalis sa bahay nila Savanna.

Pagkauwi ko kanina, nagkulong lang ako sa kuwarto at umiyak nang umiyak. I cried my heart out, releasing all of my frustrations and rage. I wasn't expecting her to slap me. I didn't expect us to get into such a fight after spending so much time together. Akala ko maayos na ulit kami kagaya nang dati, pero hindi pa rin pala. I'm still the enemy in her eyes.

I checked the time and saw that it's already 7 p.m., ilang oras pala akong nakatulog at madilim na sa labas. Maya-maya at muli na namang tumunog 'yung cellphone ko kaya kinuha ko na 'to mula sa bedside table.

Ryder calling...

Nakatitig lang ako sa screen ng cellphone ko at hindi ko magawang pindutin 'yung answer button sa screen. Yes, I'm avoiding him again after our kiss because I don't want to mislead him.

After few more rings, the call went straight to my voicemail, and I got the chance to read all his messages to me.

Ryder: I just wanted to let you know that today is Stella and Scout's last day in New York because their flight leaves at 12 a.m. They're checking to see if you're still up for dinner before they leave. :)

Ryder: I can come pick you up at 6:30 p.m.

I was about to reply when I got another text message from him.

Ryder: I just told them that you're busy that's why you can't come tonight. Take care always :)

Mackenna: I'm sorry and thank you for making an excuse for me. Have fun!

Pagkatapos kong magreply kay Ryder ay ibinalik ko na ulit 'yung cellphone ko sa bedside table. Mahapdi at mabigat pa rin 'yung mga mata ko at ramdam ko na 'yung gutom dahil sa tunog na nanggagaling mula sa tiyan ko, pero wala akong lakas para bumangon. At hindi ko namalayang nakatulog ulit ako.

At muli lang akong nagising nang may marinig naman akong kumakatok nang malakas sa pinto. Agad akong bumangon mula sa pagkakahiga at tinignan ang oras. It's already 11 p.m. and I slept for another 4 hours. Mas lalo lang sumakit ang ulo ko dahil sa tagal ng tulog ko.

Knock, knock, knock. I groaned and finally dragged myself out of bed. Si Ryder lang naman ang may alam kung saan ako nakatira, pero nakakapagtaka lang na pupuntahan niya ako nang ganitong oras.

"Just a second!" I yelled after hearing another batch of knocks on my door. Sino ba 'to at hindi makapaghintay!

Hindi ko muna binuksan agad 'yung pinto at sumilip muna ako sa may peephole, pero agad akong nagtaka dahil wala naman akong makitang tao sa labas. Agad akong kinilabutan!

Am I hallucinating or what?

"Mababaliw na yata ako." bulong ko sa sarili ko bago ako tumalikod para sana bumalik sa kuwarto, pero may kumatok na naman kaya napasigaw ako sa takot.

"Mackenna? Ayos ka lang?"

"Sino ka?"

"Si Scout 'to. Pakibukas naman nitong pinto. Kanina pa ako kumakatok at baka labasin na ko nitong katabing unit mo dahil ang ingay ko raw."

Dali-dali kong tinanggal 'yung double lock chain at saka binuksan 'yung pinto. Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala na nakatayo si Scout sa harapan ko.

"What... what are you doing here? How did you know where I'm staying? I thought you're going back to Philippines tonight?" sunod-sunod na tanong ko, pero parang wala siyang narinig at diretso lang siya sa pagpasok sa loob ng unit ko at saka isinara 'yung pinto. Hindi ako makapagsalita dahil sa mga nangyayari. Pasimple ko pang kinurot 'yung kamay kung nananaginip lang ba ako.

"Anong ginagawa mo dito, Scout? Akala ko ba ngayon ang alis niyo?"

"Wait lang, Mackenna." sabi niya at saka nag hand gesture pa siya para patigilin muna ako sa pagtatanong. "Puwede bang makahingi muna ng tubig? Ang layo kasi ng nilakbay ko tapos nakakatakot pa 'yung katabing unit mo. Baka bigla nalang akong bumulagta rito. Mabigat pa naman ako, sige ka." nakakunot lang ako habang nakatitig sakaniya.

"Promise sasagutin ko lahat ng tanong mo mamaya. Gusto ko muna talagang makainom ng tubig."

I sighed defeatly and went to the kitchen quickly to grab him a glass of water.

"Salamat." sabi niya pagkatapos niyang uminom ng tubig. Nasa sala na kami ngayon. At dahil isa lang naman ang couch ko at ayaw kong maupo sa tabi ni Scout kaya nanatili nalang akong nakatayo. Malayo sakaniya.

"So?" I said, waiting for him to answer all my questions. Nakataas 'yung isang kilay ko habang nakapameywang.

He chuckled before putting the empty glass on the coffee table.

"May isa pa pala akong favor bago ko sagutin 'yung mga tanong mo."

"Scout!" nanggigigil na sabi ko at tumawa naman siya. Mas lalong sumasakit 'yung ulo ko dahil sakaniya.

"Promise, peksman! Last na talaga 'to!" natatawang sabi niya. Sinamaan ko lang siya nang tingin. Pakiramdam ko talaga hindi totoo 'tong nangyayari ngayon.

Sa sobrang daming nangyari ngayong araw, hindi ko na alam kung ano ang totoo sa panaginip.

"What is it?" I asked. Kapag hindi niya talaga sinagot 'yung mga tanong ko, tatawagin ko 'yung nakatira sa kabilang unit!

Scout scratched the back of his head, which tells me he's just as nervous as I am. I took a deep breath and swallowed hard. I feel strange now that Scout is once again in front of me. In flesh!

"Uhm, ano kasi..." nauutal na sabi niya. "Puwede ba kong makitulog dito ngayong gabi?"

Kung may iniinom siguro akong tubig baka naibuga ko na dahil sa gulat.

W H A T Y A S E Y