Some things you just knew, without knowing how you'd ever come to know them.

You would just have these random pieces of information stored in your mind, discernible by their different amount of usefulness but all having in common that you had no idea how you'd learned them to begin with.

One of the things me and Hashirama had been fortunate, or unfortunate enough to know, was what had made him and me realise we needed to hurry.

If someone who was depressed suddenly seemed happier, out of the blue, you ought to tread very, very carefully as it might mean they had decided.

It was awful how those close to that person felt an ignition of hope, a spark of maybe; maybe, just maybe it would take a new turn from here, and the person might be able to fend off the depression and start living a normal life, a normal life that was so desirable to them, enough as opposed to the splendid lives healthy people dreamed of. It was so, so dangerous when those around that person relaxed into the happiness of their loved one while in reality, they had decided to end their lives, which was what brought them so much calmness.

Hashirama knew about this danger.

And I knew about this danger.

And we both realised the calmness Tobirama had displayed was very, very dangerous.

We had no idea how long ago it was. We had no idea how long time it could've taken. It could've been minutes. It could've been hours. He still looked awful.

I didn't want to describe it in my head; I didn't want to imagine him like that. I refused to imagine him like that. But I took everything in. It was impossible not to; he was right in front of me, a rope around his neck, my soul in his heart.

There was a scream. A scream so primitive it turned my blood to ice. No human could emit a sound like that, I was certain; this was an animal driven by its reptilian brain.

It took me too long to realise the scream was emitted from my own lips.

Hashirama had lost himself; he was on the floor next to me, his eyes staring, drooling. His brain had shut off.

"YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!" I screamed at Tobirama who, of course, couldn't hear me. "HOW COULD YOU!!" My throat, still sore from the vomiting, opened up and I started coughing blood.

Never in my life had I been so angry. I was far, far angrier than I had ever been in my life.

Not you as well.

Then, I noticed something that made my heart stop.

"Hashirama", I wheezed. "Look at his feet."

"What?" Hashirama said, not entirely back to himself. It felt like having a stranger beside me; I had never seen him like that. Yet I knew I would die if he hadn't been beside me; he was tethering my soul to earth, preventing it from ascending and never coming down because I knew he needed me as I needed him, at least in that moment.

"His feet!!" I screamed. "He could reach the Goddamn floor!!"

And when Hashirama realised, he sat up, having clambered out of the deep hole of his trans, and burst out in tears.

We never had to worry about whether or not Tobirama had regretted it in the moment. We knew he hadn't. He had used a chair from the restaurant to get up, but once he'd hung himself, his feet had reached the floor; if he'd changed his mind, he could've easily stood up and stopped the whole thing.

Yet, he hadn't.

Tobirama had decided to die.

"I can't do it."

"I'm afraid you'll regret it if you don't"

"But I can't do it."

"Hashirama..."

"Madara."

He leaned against my chest, putting his hands on my shoulder blades, and I put my arms on his shoulders, hugging him close as he cried.

"You go", he told me.

"No", I said softly, not hesitating.

"But-"

"No. I'm sure. I won't go see him. Not without you."

Hashirama shook as he cried in my arms. I took him to my bed where we fell asleep next to each other, holding each other so tightly it felt as though our souls were screaming for release.

Finally deciding to actually go see him did something to Hashirama.

I noticed he was nervous at first, walking next to me along the dirty streets of Paris that matched the soot in our souls. But then, as we drew closer to the hospital, one week after we'd found him, I felt him increase his pace, pulling me along. People had always complained my natural walking pace was slow, which was particularly remarkable as I was so tall, but Hashirama had always walked next to me. Now, however...

When he came to the hospital, Hashirama hurried, emitting a deep stress. As we entered the hospital, he immediately went to the receptionist.

"Where is he?!"

"I'm sorry, what?" the poor receptionist said.

"Hashirama, calm down." I said; I realised he was somewhere else in his mind where only Tobirama existed.

I pulled him to the big map of the hospital they'd hung on one wall and calmly explained to him where we needed to go. I had no idea how I could remain so normal, but I believed my soul was searching to balance out the soul of my remaining lover.

The door was in an anonymous, empty corridor, and we rang the bell as the sign on it said. A lady in a green hospital gown opened.

"Yes?"

"Hi", I said, sparing my better third the trouble of speaking. I realised my third was somewhere beyond those doors. "We've come to see someone."

She looked down on our hands, entwined together, and smiled politely up at us.

"Certainly. Come in."

She led us into a waiting room as anonymous as the corridor outside.

"Stay here", she said, and went to fetch another woman in a green gown.

"Who are you seeing?" the new woman asked.

We gave them his first and last name.

"Oh..." the woman said.

I instantly got ready to snap. Were they about to say anything about the accusations? That he was a rapist? I wouldn't let them. God knew I wouldn't let them; I wouldn't accept it, and I would scream and-

"I'm sorry, but he's not here anymore", she said and I stopped dead. I could feel Hashirama's fingers clenching mine.

"What?" I whispered.

"He..." She looked away. She clearly knew the case by heart. "We keep them for five days. We made the obduction the day after he was found. This morning..."

We were too late, I thought. We hesitated for too long.

"Where is he now?" Hashirama asked stiffly.

The nurse looked sad. 

"He's been cremated already."

There was ringing in my ears. It was so loud, I put my hands over them and screamed to try and shut them off. I was vaguely aware of someone's arms around me, but they were unfamiliar; not Hashirama.

Hashirama was next to me but on the floor, his fingers clenching his hair. He was screaming as well. I couldn't see his face or hear him but I knew he was screaming.

He was screaming after him.

The person holding her arms around me to comfort me was the first nurse. The other nurse had bent down next to Hashirama to take care of him. My heart felt as if though it cried salty tears. Cremated. He's been burned. He's only ashes. We will never see him. We will never see him, ever again. His spirit might've been in his body, unable to move, unable to see, unable to hear, to taste, but able to feel desperation and longing, and hope that we would come visit him, wondering over and over where we were, why we hadn't come to see him, why we let him be lonely.

The thought of our beloved burning in an oven made me sick.

We sat on a park bench afterwards; Hashirama was too drained to go home. I held my arm around him, my other hand holding his, caressing the skin with my thumb. He cried silent tears into my chest. I couldn't help but think how lovely he looked in the sad summer sunset; his cream cardigan, his brown trousers, a thin caramel coat, his sunglasses pushed on his head, holding his hair back in soft ridges behind his ears. I kissed his lovely hair over and over, free for the day. Tomorrow, I would cut it a little for him as a preparation for Tobirama's funeral.

"It's going to be okay", I said, but I didn't believe it.

Hashirama didn't even bother answering, which meant he didn't believe it, either.

"I still love you, you know", I said softly, planting another kiss in his hair, breathing in the scent of his almond conditioner.

"Tell me a story", Hashirama demanded.

"What kind of story?" I asked.

I had expected him to ask me to pick anything, anything at all, but he seemed to have something very specific in mind.

"Do you think we would've gotten married?" he asked.

And I immediately understood what he needed from me. Just like that, when I though our connection to one another couldn't get any deeper, I learned I could love him even more, that I could know him even better. 

So I told him the story.

"Yes", I said. "Yes, I believe we would have. Tobirama, despite what he says about not wanting to be in a relationship, is definitely a person who wants to get married." We both realised I was talking about him as if he was still alive; it hurt too much to use past tense. "You are too, right?" Hashirama nodded softly at my chest, breathing in my smell. "I wasn't. Until I met you two. We would have gotten married simultaneously. I honestly don't even know if it's possible and legal but we would have found a way. Or done it non-formally because it would still count, for us." The sunset was becoming darker, more sad but I battled it with my bittersweet story, trying to make the moment lighter, airier with my words. It was like the delicate art of trying to balance a scale, the joy of my story needing to get brighter as the sunset light became darker. "It would be small. With our closest friends and families. Somewhere where the whole wedding would be an adventure, like those orange valleys in the states. It would be subtle. But the afterparty would be wild." I smiled at the images in my head. "Maybe, we can even convince Tobirama to dance." Hashirama snorted at my chest; it made my heart swell. Maybe, I thought. Just maybe, we can do all that. The two of us. Without him.

"Have you ever seen him dance?" he asked.

"Once", I said. "It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. He dances like a fucking God."

"I had no idea", Hashiram said softly.

"Well, you would have found out at the wedding. Anything you'd wanted for your afterparty?"

"A donut truck", Hashirama said immediately.

"You're kidding me?"

"No."

I smiled.

"Okay then. A donut truck and Tobirama dancing. That about sums it up?"

"Yeah..." Hashirama murmured.

We waited until the air became chilly and our body heat couldn't warm the other up any longer.

"Shall we go to mine?" I asked softly.

"Yes", Hashirama said.

We walked all the way, shoulder-to-shoulder, hand-in-hand. I found Hashirama was trying not to laugh.

"What? I asked.

"I was just wondering... How will we walk next to each other? Holding hands all three?"

"Well, yes!" I said, dramatically aghast. "Of course!"

Hashirama was quiet for a while.

"I would have liked that", he said finally.

And just like that, bu switching back to past tense, reality came knocking on our door once more. 

And once home, as I held his naked body close to my naked body, we realised everything we had talked about, everything we had dreamed about would never, ever happen because one-third of us was dead, burned to ashes and was never, ever coming back.

Our souls melted into one another for the entire night in a way our bodies never could, no matter how hard we tried.

I wondered if Tobirama's soul was there as well, intermingled with ours.