This period was the hardest part of my life, the hospital had become my new home, unable to go anywhere else, how could I leave Brandon alone at this time of his life?

It had been only weeks ago when we had been in the woods playing around and now all memories are in the hospital hoping he recovers soon.

I wasn't the only one hit badly by this, everyone was. A heart transplant wasn't as easy as a kidney transplant, it cost a lot more money and it was harder to find a donor... Who was going to sacrifice a heart? Would you?
And even if we got a heart donor the surgery was a complicated one the doctor already informed us that Brandon had a 50% chance of surviving, who would want to sacrifice their heart for someone's survival who wasn't even certain?

And during all this I realized life meant nothing, you could go to bed anytime and not wake up the next morning, you could have an incident or illness that would change everything. People said gambling was bad but life was a gamble itself. Full of uncertainty but that was what gave life this fun thrill and at the same time was what made it dangerous, knowing that anytime, at any moment you could lose everything just like that.

Even if things ended like this I never regretted any moment I shared with Brandon, every single memory meant the world to me and I wasn't going to let him leave the earth without reconciling with his best friend Casper... No matter how much I wanted to deny it, I was the cause of everything the rift, the bond lost between brothers, Casper's current state, everything was my fault and it hurt me — it really did.

So for the first time I left the hospital in weeks and I only had one place in mind the mental institution, today was the day I was going to face it all.

***
I rode on the bus quietly, my eyes were engulfed in dark circles, I wasn't surprised it had been weeks since I last had a decent sleep, most times I only slept for like 2-3 hours and other times I didn't at all, lost in thoughts, crying, Brandon hadn't woken up since that day, he had been put in a kind of coma, the doctor said it was to slow down the period of death until we could find a solution, he wasn't even dead yet, but I was already losing him.

The bus finally stopped at my bus stop, I had been too lost in thoughts to even notice anyone or anything throughout the ride, I continued my walk silently until I arrived at the giant gates of the institution, it was like a lock down, no one out, no escape, top security. Everything about the place could make someone who wasn't mad run insane.

I had talk to Mrs Jones before the visit, so I didn't have any problem getting in, my presence has already been long requested, Mrs Jones said the therapist had informed her that I was the most essential factor in Casper's recovery because I was the one he hurt most.

One of the security guard led me in, he was dressed in their gray uniform and held a gun as expected, he said no words to me except when necessary... I wasn't comfortable, the more I walked in the more scared I was, I felt like everyone there was like Casper, that they had hurt people like Casper had done to me, the stench of harsh drugs in the air made me nausea.

I had never been more happy when we had arrived at the doctor's office, the guard walked in first, and they exchanged a few words before he came out and told me the doctor was ready to see me now.

“Paige knight” the male doctor smiled and gestured me to take a sit, he was an aged man, probably in his late fifties, but he seemed nice, at least I was comfortable and at peace.

“I'm Dr. Clarke” he smiled and shook my hand. “I have been in charge of Casper since he was brought in and I would feel bad if I didn't apologize to you about the tragic incident... I'm really sorry for what Casper did”

I nodded, that's all I could do, I didn't know what to say, being here now brought back too many flashes of memories I didn't want to remember.

“Casper, how do you feel when I mention his name”

It took a while but I summoned the courage to answer. "To be honest I hated it, hated every sound of anything that related to him"

"why?"

The answer seemed rather obvious but I knew there had to be a reason he was asking me all this so I just went along with it.

"Cause he hurt me"

"People hurt us" Dr Clark stated, I could tell he wanted me to dig deeper.

"I didn't expect him to, he was the one person I never expected in the world to hurt me"

"Why"

"Cause he seemed like he couldn't, cause he looked like he couldn't harm a fly... "

"Is that all? Is that all the reason why you didn't expect such?"

I knew he wanted me to say something more, he could sense I was holding back. He was good, good at his job and it was obvious holding back won't lead me anywhere.

I pressed my lips together and took in a deep breath before I spoke. "...Cause he said he loved me and I believed"

"What if he actually did" now Dr. Clarke's gaze never left mine, he was piercing into my soul, like he was looking for the honesty of my words through the sockets of my eyes.

"You don't hurt people you love"

"And who said?" he asked. "We constantly tell lies and hurt our parents does that mean we don't love them?"

I remained silent.
"We constantly disobey God, no matter how much we try not to, we still always end up hurting him but does that mean we don't love him?"

I remained silent again, my gaze fixed on his brown eyes as his were fixed on mine.
"Are you trying to justify Casper's actions?" I shot.

"No, I'm trying to explain to you that we do hurt the people we love whether it's something as deep as rape or not."

"You loved Casper didn't you?" he continued and I nodded.

"But you hurt him"
Those words stabbed my heart more than anything, maybe it was the pang of guilt cause yes I actually did hurt Casper, even if I didn't intend to do but I did.

"sometimes we don't mean to but we do hurt the people we love some hurts just leave greater scars than others"

I nodded in agreement, with a faint smile, it was the faintest I've ever wore but it was still a smile.

"Casper, now how do you feel when you hear the name?"

“Sad” I answered
He gave me a look that said continue, I know you have more to say so just let it all out.

“I feel guilty, guilty that I may have hurt him more than I intended to, he lost someone who loved all because of me who pushed him away and proclaimed love to his best friend, I can't imagine anything that hurts more than that.”

“Who do you blame for all this drama..? Casp -”

“Myself” I cut him off, that was the quickest I had answered. “I blame myself”

He nodded, he glanced at me, more like a quick scan and wrote something down on his book.

“So why did you come today?”

“I came to face my fears, to make peace. I came to see Casper”

“And are you sure you're ready?”

“No” I answered truthfully “But I don't think I'll ever be, so I just want to take the leap”

“It's not resentment that's holding me back — it's guilt”

He nodded. “I just want you to know Casper never meant to hurt you, he is just unwell”

“I know now”

“I'll take you to him” he got on his feet, he was a tall man, he walked out of the office and I followed suit.

***
606, that was Casper's room number, I couldn't tell if they had a special style of numbering or whether there were actually 606 or more people in this building like Casper.

I wasn't allowed in, there was a small bench and table connected to the window of his room.
“Casper” Dr. Clarke called. It took a while the response was slow, he just curled himself in a dark corner of the room.

“Someone is here to see you” but he still didn't move.

“It's Paige” Dr. Clarke added and at the call of my name he moved, at first reluctant, trying to make sure if it was true, it seemed like my name had been used a lot to lure him out.

“Casper” I called out to him, it was the only way I could prove to him I was actually here. His face immediately brightened up, and he came to the window where I was.

He was dressed in their white mental patient garment in movies, he looked it — looked unwell, the look on his eyes were drenched, one of someone who drank, but he didn't, his lips which were once pink now dark and crack, the circle in his eyes couldn't be compared to mine.

I felt even more guilty, I was raped, but I was still leaving my normal life but that wasn't the same for Casper, he was broken, broken to bits, and I was scared he wouldn't ever be the same again. He had lost everything, even his soul, all I lost was my virginity and my brain was there blocking out the memories of Brandon as a defense tactic.

“How are you Casper” I placed my hand on the window.
He didn't respond, he placed his hand where mine was, like he was hoping he would be able to feel it from the glass.

I looked at Dr. Clarke and the movement of his hands told me to continue, to say what I had to say.

“Casper everyone in school misses you, all the teachers keep crying out for you, Casper your mom misses you...” I just kept on saying casual things but his expression remained plain.

I took in a deep breath and began, began what I actually had to say.
“Casper you hurt me but I hurt you to, Casper I feel terrible, everyone hates me and am scared — not because they hate me but because deep down I'm beginning to hate myself too and am really scared.”

“Casper I finally topped the class, my long life dream but I felt terrible it wasn't what I wanted, I miss seeing you as a threat, I miss always trying to beat you and never winning, I miss when you acted like my existence meant nothing to you”

“I miss admiring you all day through your window when you never even gave me a chance, I miss when I resented you for not taking me to prom, I miss you Casper, I miss watching you and Brandon and your infamous bro code, I wish you guys could go back to that. I wish you could forgive Brandon and I for hurting you, we didn't mean to and I hate myself again and again when I remember it, Casper people out there still love you, for your mom, for them please get better. Please forgive me because I forgive you”

Casper had still not said a word, he didn't even look like he was listening and I felt sad.
“It takes time” Dr. Clarke encouraged me “Am proud of you Paige, you handled everything better than I imagined and am really glad. Let's give him time on his own to try to connect with himself”

I nodded and allowed Dr. Clarke to lead me out but then I heard the voice I had been crushing on for close to 14 years. I heard that beautiful voice of a beautiful soul.
“I'm sorry, I'm sorry... I'm sorry Paige... I'm sorry” he kept on repeating until he broke down in tears.

I had never seen Dr. Clarke so happy it was like one of the greatest break through he had ever seen because he knew after that day that Casper would recover and like a miracle he did... It wasn't a one-day dash recovery but it was a great start.

I was finally getting my life on track and I had one more thing to do... One more important thing, and I was scared but for Brandon I was ready to do everything, I was going to create a beautiful world for Brandon to wake up to cause no matter what anyone had to say my Brandon was going to wake up to me and I believed so.