#ERICA'S POV#

Rick has been doing a lot of sweet things for me lately that I have been feeling a bit guilty because of a lot of reasons one of them been that while he has been trying to make this relationship a success, I've been hanging around with Alvin all in the name of preparing for the School's Gala party. So I decided to make it up to him by paying him surprise visit.
Right now, I'm packing in front of R&R Groceries. It's just a little family grocery shopping store in the neighborhood. It's owned by Rio and Reece. They are an elderly couple who started the store about 6 years ago. They are friends of mine too. Sometimes they help in babysitting Clarissa. They have five kids; two boys and three girls. They are all married and they stay abroad. She has 7 grandchildren.

"Hello Erica!" Rio greeted with a wave as I entered the store so I went over to the counter.

"Hi Rio! How is today sales?"

"Good. How is Issa?" She asked and I chuckled.

"Don't let her hear you calling her that. She would frown at it." I said with a smile.

"I know." She replied while rolling her eyes and returning the stray strand of grey hair to it's rightful position which is behind her ear. The rolling of her eyes made me laugh. This woman is just so dramatic.

"So what's up??" She asked.

"Nothing much. I'm just shopping for groceries for my boyfriend. I want to pay him a surprise visit today and cook for him. What do you suggest I cook."

"Do you know what food he likes best?" She asked while wiping the counter with a moist towel.

"Nope"

"Then prepare what you like cooking the most. Something you are very good at."

Wow!I never thought of that! "Spicy Fish Escovitch with pasta?"

"Perfect!Prepare that!" She said as she slammed her hands on the poor counter. It was my turn to smile and roll my eyes simultaneously.

"What would I do without you, Rio? I asked rhetorically as I left the counter.

"Without me, you would clean up your anus!" She gave a reply to my question. I suddenly stopped. I raised hand to my mouth and slowly turned towards her.

"What did you just say?" I asked with the shocked expression that I'm sure is plastered on my face right now.

"You asked what could you do without me and I said you could clean your..." I quickly ran over to shut her up with my two palms.

Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you. Rio has a way of embarrassing you. You may find this odd from a seller but she is not just a seller, she is like family to me and Clarissa. More like a second Grandma to Clarissa.

"Do you have to always reply to every questions thrown at you?" I asked while quickly scanning the store to make sure no one heard her. It does not seem like any shopper heard her so I heaved a sigh of relief and released her mouth.

"It was a question Erica. What question does not deserve an answer?"

"A rhetorical question does not deserve an answer. Simple!"

"It was not a rhetorical question" She argued

" Fine Rio but please don't repeat it." I said as I left the counter while still facing her because I was scared that once I left, she would repeat it just to make me flustered. I felt she was about to open her mouth but a customer came over with her shoppings. Rio winked at me as if telling me that I should be thankful that a customer came over if not... Don't let me think about it.

                            ¶¶¶¶¶

I almost missed my way but thanks to GPS. I did not park in Rick's parking space so that he would not know. I parked in the driveway and got down along with the many groceries I was trying to balance on my hands. I used my knee and feet to shut the boot. While leaning on the car along with the groceries, I tried to use the remote to lock the car doors and I succeeded. I slowly placed the car remote in my cross bag and balanced the groceries again as I walked slowly so that the groceries would not fall off. His car is parked in the parking space meaning he is at home. Thank God! I was already thinking on my way here about what I would do if I realized he is not at home because I wouldn't want to call him as it's a surprise visit. I rang the doorbell about two times before I felt the door knob twisting. I was really excited to see his reaction.

"Hi!" A teen replied as she opened the door. She is dressed in a peach plain round neck blouse and a blue baggy jean shorts.

"I'm asking of Rick." I told her. Or did I follow a wrong address? But his car his car is parked outside. I turned my head back to this teenage girl. She could not be up to eighteen yet. She looks strangely familiar but I could not place where I had seen her. I close my eyes trying to recall where I had seen her.

"Dad, it seem like you got a visitor!" She called out while still staring at me with those strangely familiar eyes.

"Dad!!" She calls again. I was about to tell her that I'm not here for her Dad when Rick appeared with a woman.
"H... Hi Ri...Rick!" I stammered. I flashed him a fake smile. His expression is a shocked one. I was trying to process some things and then my brain jingled. This is the teenage girl we met at the restaurant who called Rick her dad. My eyes move over to the woman by Rick's side. The teenage girl looks like her and my intelligent brain begin to add all the pieces together. Believe me, I didn't give that work to my brain because I don't want to know the result but as I've said my brain begins to add the pieces together on it's own accord.

This woman here is obviously the mother to this teenage girl and Rick is the... I look at Rick with hopeful eyes that are waiting for him to tell me that the situation is not like that. That all this... That all this... That all this is just a misunderstanding but he does not say it. Rather, he looks at me with those pleading eyes and I felt like my world has collapsed.

My head is spinning...My eyes shut and open again... The groceries in my hands fall to the ground and my breathing becomes shaky. I dipped my hands into the pocket of the fashion nude coat I'm wearing to hide my shaky hands. I feel my body staggering so I lean on the door post for support. I place my left palm on my head to stop the ache that I just began to feel. As if I could stop it. I slowly tap my right hand in my hear to stop it from beating so fast. As if I could stop it. My heart feels like it's going to explode any minute from now. I feel tightness in my chest and my eyes becomes moist. I feel that I would cry any minute from now then I remember I'm not alone so I desperately beg my tears to stand still just the way Joshua begged God to make the sun stand still in those days. I stop leaning on the door post. I raise my head and try to calm my heart because it is beating so fast that I feel so tight. It's just too painful...

"Dad, I feel some things need to be sorted out so I will leave you guys alone. Let us go mummy." She said as she strolled inside.

"See you inside, honey!" The woman said as she kissed him before leaving not before sending a glare towards me.

"Can we go to that café down the road?" I asked and he nodded.

I was silent all through and I was thankful that he was also silent. If not, I can't trust myself to not break down and shout at him.

I ordered three cup of tea and immediately it was brought over I gulped them down in quick succession not minding that it might be hot. Thankfully it was warm. I could feel it burning my tongue and throat but I did not mind. I needed something to wake me up. Rick tried to stop me but I did not answer him. Why should I listen to him? Why!

When I was done, I ordered two plate of vanilla cookies to keep my mouth busy so that I will not cry when Rick speaks up. I stuffed two cookies in my mouth and I felt calm.

"Who are they?" I asked the obvious while chewing the cookies. It's bad manners but right now, I don't care. I just don't want to break down in tears.
"My wife and daughter." He replied solemnly. I stopped chewing and mistakenly bit my tongue but right now I do not mind.

"So was the story she said at the restaurant true?" I asked again as I bit my lip to hold in my tears by all means.

"Nope" He replied hurriedly. " Not all of them" He later added.

"I left them but I didn't steal her money. That is the story she told our daughter." He replied while staring at the table.

Something deep within my soul us telling me not to ask this question but I need answers and reasons so I don't listen to that thought.

"Why did you abandon them?" I asked. I have resumed munching though it is not like munching rather it's like stuffing my mouth with the cookies. Bad manners or not I don't care because I'm not in my right senses now.

"I didn't abandon them, I only left..."

"Don't argue with me, Rick! Just answer my question!" I shouted and even though I was not looking at him, I felt that he shuddered at my icy tone. Even I am surprised at my tone.

"Nothing." He replied after gaining his composure.

"RICK! DON'T YOU DARE GIVE ME A TWO SYLLABLE ANSWER UNDERSTOOD?!" I raised my voice while glaring at him. He is actually testing my patient right now.

"And don't you dare raise your voice at me! What is the difference between I and you?! You got a kid, same here!" He said with a high pitched voice.

"The difference is that I did not lie to you. From our first date, I already told you that I got a kid!!! What stopped you from telling me that you are married that day???"

"We were separated already" He replied.

"It's the same thing! You were separated not divorced, Rick!" I said. I could feel the tears gathering at the edge of my eyes so I stuffed more cookies into my mouth. Despite that I feel it would not take long before I break down in tears.

"But wait Erica, what were you expecting?" He asked with a cold glare. This should not be happening. I should be the one glaring. He lied to me!

"I don't understand that question." I replied with a  mouth stuffed with cookies.

"For Pete's sake, you are a single mother! Which man would love to be in a relationship with you?" He spat out and I choked on the cookies. My tears were starting to spill out now and we were already gaining the attention of other occupants of the cafe.

"You are shouting Rick." I whispered while wiping my tears with the back of my palm.

He stood up abruptly kicking the chair to the floor." Why should I not shout? Oh! You don't want everyone to know that you had a baby from sleeping with your college professor? Now that I think of it, I feel you are lying. Perhaps you slept with your college professor for good grades!" He shouted while looking at the other occupants of the cafe. And that broke all my resolve not to cry. I clutched onto my chest which was already tight.

"Why would... How would you say that?" I asked in between tears.

"Erica, listen attentively. You are a single mother who slept with her college professor so which single man will desire you. You should really not be expecting that, ok?" He mocked.
A baritone came over and told us to keep our voices down or we get out. Rick mumbled an apology and sat down.

"Did you ever love me?" I ask in between tears and I saw his expression cool down or so I thought because my eyes is clouded by tears.

"Yes" He replied. Thank God his reply is a yes.

"Was everything a lie? The time you said I'm the only lady you ever felt for? That apart from your sisters, I'm the only one you ever brought to your house? That..."

"Those were not lies. Then only my sisters and you were the only ones who had entered my house but not now. Erica. I promise all those were not lie." He said as he tried to grab my shaky hands that is placed on the coffee table but I hurriedly withdrew my hands to my lap.

"Then why did you lie to me?" I whispered as I am already losing my voice to my cries.

"I thought it was no big deal. I thought that since..."

I interrupted him."Since I am a single mother, I would settle for anything? Even your mistress?" I covered my face with my palm as I tried to compose myself but it is not possible. Thinking of how he degraded me just because I am a single mother is so painful. My breaths became very shaky, unsteady and forced.

"Bye." I finally said with so much difficulty and resilient after minutes of silence.

"We don't have to do this, Erica"

"Then what? You would divorce your wife for me? I don't want to break a home. We are done here, Rick. Thanks for everything."

I inhaled and exhaled continuously to make sure I don't fall when I stand up but that did not help because as I stood up, I staggered back to the chair. Rick ran over to me but I smacked his arm away.

"Pay the bills." I muttered and I got out of the café. I'm surprised at the fact that my legs did not betray me and push me to the floor before I reached the car. My head is muddled with different words especially those of Rick. His words were a direct stab to my heart. I ignited the car and accelerated.

As I drove, all I could think of were his words.

"But wait Erica, what were you expecting?"

"For Pete's sake, you are a single mother!Which man would love to be in a relationship with you?"

You don't want everyone to know that you had a baby from sleeping with your college professor? Now that I think of it, I feel you are lying. Perhaps you slept with your college professor for good grades!!!"

"Erica, listen attentively. You are a single mother who slept with her college professor so which single man will desire you. You should really not be expecting that OK??"

"Erica, listen attentively. You are a single mother who slept with her college professor so which single man will desire you. You should really not be expecting that OK??"

"Erica, listen attentively. You are a single mother who slept with her college professor so which single man will desire you. You should really not be expecting that OK??"

His voice kept on ringing in my head and that was only what I could hear. His facial expression while saying it was all I could see. My eyes are hot with tears and a loud bell was ringing in my ear. Why was this even painful than usual? He used my weakest point! He talked about that night some nine years ago! He lied to me and after that he dare uses my weakest point. I trusted him or almost trusted him. His daughter was right, he is a big jerk. I almost fell in love with a married man who is a liar and a jerk. I suddenly slammed on the brake. Screeching of tires follows and the honking of angry drivers who obviously had to also slam on their brakes suddenly so as to not run into my car but right now, I don't care. My chest feels so tight like it is caging my heart. I... I ca...I can't...I can't breath...I can't breath. I unlock the car with shaky hands and unsteady breathing. I can already feel the beads of sweats streaming down my face. I attempt to get down but something keeps pulling me back. I don't know what it is as my eyes use firmly shut. Perhaps it could be my heart. My mind is foggy and I feel exhausted. I bite my lower lip aggressively in pain as I hit my chest lightly. I could taste the salt on my lips and I wonder if it's sweat or tears or even a mixture of them both. This is not the first time this is happening but this is the first time my brain is so muddled that I can't think of where my medication is. Of course there should be a bottle of my pill in the car as a bottle is permanently placed in my car, my desk at school and all my bags and purses in case of emergency attack.

"Aaaaah!Ummph!!" I whimpered biting my lower lip the more that I could feel the metallic taste of blood but that did not stop me from biting deeper as I realised it is an efficient strategy to numb the pain a bit. I need to get out but I can't. Why? I don't know and my mind is so messed up know to think. All I can feel, see and think of is this excruciating pain that is slowly eating me up. I never prayed for this life. No I never. I fancied the best life a girl could have ever thought in her girlhood but life is never fair or maybe just to me. I can feel myself flying which is ultimately impossible perhaps I'm dead already. This is too soon, I should be permitted a proper farewell to loved ones but as I've said life is not fair. Next, I hear my name repeatedly. I would have immediately placed the voice but right now I can't think of anything.

"Do you have any pill for this?"
Immediately my eyes flew open and I'm shocked to see Alvin. Is this a dream on the road to death? I blinked my eyes continuously to see if he would disappear. As if reading my thoughts, he pinches my wrist hardly and I feel it. If I'm on the road to Mr. Cruel, Unexpected Death, should I still be able to feel.

"If you can hear me, blink your eyes thrice"He said. I don't know how true this is but I still blink thrice.

" That is good. I don't know what is going on but I feel this is not the first so do you have a pill nearby?" He said all in one breath. If I'm still thinking straight which I doubt,his voice is laced with concern and worry.

I finally release my poor lips which would be bleeding by now."In... the...ca.car...drawer... A short blue bottle." I replied with much difficulty as my throat is dry and it hurts badly while talking. I keep on clutching my chest while trying to steady my heartbeats and breaths but it's just not possible. I can still feel the warm tears spilling. This is just too painful.

"Arrgh!" I whimper again as I felt like someone pinched my heart tightly with sharp claws. I feel his warmth next and the familiar rattling of the pills in the medical bottle

"How many?"

"Two" I reply weakly. He puts two pill in my mouth and tilts my head back slightly to pour the water in my mouth. I would have protested to this on a norm but I'm so weak and tired down to my bones. He tilts my head in an uncomfortable angle to make the swallowing of the pills easier and I'm thankful for that because I don't think I could have swallowed the pills without assistance. I can feel his heavy breathing and firm chest as he rest my head on his comfy, rocky chest. Here it comes: One, Two, Three, Four...

I slowly release the tight hold on my clothes and my tense shoulder which I did not notice before relaxes. My unsteady breathing becomes normal and steady helping me to catch the scent of his cologne. I can perceive a mixture of apple, passion fruits,sweetsop and otherwise natural scents I could not decipher.

"What is the name of your cologne?" I blurted out and he laughs after heaving a sigh of relief. His chest vibrates against my teary face as he laughs.

"You are okay, now?" He asked as he pulls my head away from his chest to look at my face and I flash him an incredible fake smile. Fake because now I'm not alright and I don't know if I will ever be.

"I have not spent much time with you but I know you enough to know that is a fake smile. Do you wanna talk about it?"

"I usually have panic attacks coupled with fainting." I said slowly while using an eye to study his expression. I was expecting one that read this woman is trouble, I should not get missed up in her shit rather his expression is that of ooh I can't imagine how you must feel. This expression made me want to talk and say it all but I'm scared of me wanting to say it all and by how much I could say.

"So what triggers the panic attacks?" He asked, his warm breath tickling my earlobe.

I looked around and that is when I realised we are on the floor by the roadside. I shut my eyes and opened it immediately. I swallowed hardly.

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. I just wanted to offer a listening ear in case you needed one but no pressures whatsoever."

"I know." I whisper.

"This happens when I am either scared or having too much weight on my chest or feeling overwhelmed by negative feelings." I said with a shudder and he squeezed my right shoulder in a reassuring manner.

"So what triggered it this time around?"He asked in a whisper as he drew imaginary lines with his fingers from my shoulder to my palm and up again, back to my palm again and continuously in that pattern. It offered a sort of unsaid comfort to me.