"You know it's not about money," you retorted in disbelief.

Hoseok had never really commented on your earnings and you both knew you were in a comfortable financial situation either way. It was baffling he even suggested this.

"No, no, I know it's not—" your boyfriend desperately tried to put together his words in a coherent way, but you talked over him.

"I don't want your money. What am I? Some whore you have to pay for to stay by your side?"

"T-that's not what I meant at all! J-just let me explain what—" Hobi stuttered nervously as he talked fast to get his words in before you did and failed.

"Why do you care if I go away anyway? You broke up with me!" you accused him feeling hurt. Your voice broke, but you tried with all your might not to keep crying.

"I would never! You said we were breaking up!" Hobi questioned you. If it depended on him, he wouldn't dream of it.

"I thought you were, I merely completed your sentence!"

"Why did you think that's what I was going to say?? Jebal*, I put together a scrapbook of our most precious memories!" he couldn't understand. When did he push you away? You kept avoiding him.

"I don't know, I don't think I've done anything but hurt you lately. Also, we barely spend time together,"

"I want to, but it's you who keeps turning me down. Of course, it hurts me! I thought you were sick of me and all the shit that's happened to you since we got together,"

"Hoseok-ah, that's not your fault, I've told you a million times. I can see how much it affects you every time we talk about it!"

"What else would you need all that space for if it wasn't to reflect on how shit everything is now that you are with me? You are not yourself when you are around me anymore either," he was angry and he didn't think his words through.

However, it was what he truly felt. You take time away from someone to re-question your relationship, don't you? He wasn't great at this, but at least he knew that much.

"I hate seeing you hurt and feeling powerless, I was just trying to deal with it on my own. Just crying it out not to be a complete mess around you, so I could be at my best for you," his eyes shifted from one side to the other as he registered your words and then he met your eyes filled with concern.

"You've been locked in your apartment crying?" he repeated your words in shock, jaw slack as he realized you were in much more pain than he imagined. His chest hurt at the thought that he ignored all that and was that oblivious.

"You are everything to me, I couldn't bear to see you feel terrible over something that we can't help.

I always make everything difficult for those I love just by existing and I didn't want to make it worse. I didn't want you to leave me too," as you confessed your deepest fears to him, your voice became softer and softer until you were crying again.

"I would never leave you, I love you with all my heart, aein. Your existence is a blessing and I don't feel like I've done half the things you've done for me for you. I'm not good at relationships, I'm not good about talking feelings and I'm such a coward*, I'd rather pretend like everything's okay not to be a burden."

"You could never be" you murmured cupping his cheeks and meeting his eyes with a sad gaze.

"Why would I have given into you if I didn't think you were worth it? For months I refused to admit my feelings for you because I didn't want to suffer yet again.

It's bad enough without me doing anything. On top of it I go and choose a fucking job that makes me even more inaccessible as if I wasn't already emotionally unavailable.

I was fine on my own for two years, but you kept getting in the way, not literally, but it was like we had no choice but to meet.

I really believed we had a chance when you kept giving me answers I'd never had. No one had been able to make my resolve waver.

We seemed to be so much alike and so different at the same time. You gave me hope that maybe I didn't have to be all alone after all."

"You don't have to be, you don't have to hide from me when you are hurting too. I don't have the words to make it better but I could have held you at least, kept you company, kept you safe in that one way at the very least," Hobi stroked your cheek gently and the reminder of that incident triggered your insecurities.

"Why would you want me around when I'm nothing but trouble? Not even my own mother who was supposed to love me unconditionally did, so how could you?"

"I love you, you are perfect for me, everything I wanted and exactly who I needed. You were worth the wait and all the heartbreak I went through until I found you. I would do it all over again if it lead me right to where you are,"

Hoseok placed his hands over yours and closed his eyes to really feel your touch. He sighed and smiled more than relieved you weren't leaving after all.

"I would never, ever give you up because of the hate, of what other people might think, do or say about me. I would never let them win, let them rule my life and decide for me, are you kidding?

You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, the only one that's truly loved me and made me feel like I didn't have to fear to be myself. Like I was loveable and deserving no matter what,"

Hobi smiled when he felt you lean onto him and press your forehead to his.

"You never want to go out anymore, you spend all your time in your apartment and we don't even go out for rides like we used to. I thought you felt trapped next to me and wanted out, nae jaegun sae. I couldn't bear the thought of letting you go, but I wouldn't want to hold you down and break your spirit,"

"I'm sorry, I just haven't been in the mood to put up with anything. I feel safer when I'm home, kind of,"

You weren't sure, you wanted to go out but you also didn't feel like you were strong enough to take the hate sometimes if you happened to come across someone.

"I know you too and how much you actually hate it," Hobi called you out and you chuckled.

"It's temporary though, we just need to overcome these obstacles and we'll be alright," you offered determined and he let out a little joyful laugh at the thought you were still confident you could get through it despite it all.

"Don't push me away, don't cry alone when I'm right next door. I've told you I'm responsible for all those tears, aein,"

"You're so sweet, baby" you opened your eyes and smiled at him feeling a little lighter after letting every thought and feeling you'd been holding back out at last.

Hobi smiled brightly at your words, eyes glinting in a special way that had been missing for a while. His worries, his fears, they were all gone.

🔞"So, are you going to pay me double for the night?" you asked raising an eyebrow curiously now that everything had been cleared up.

"Bodi, I didn't phrase that right, I just wanted one las—" he started apologizing embarrassed and you shut him up.

"Goodbye fuck?" you offered with a cheeky smirk and he snickered.

"No, well, yes, but most of all I didn't want it all to end there. That call would have killed the mood and I needed you," Hobi tried to gather his thoughts as best as he could to make up for the words he picked and you snorted.

"I know you, Hoseok-ah, I was sure it had to mean something more. I was just surprised you'd offer all that money just so I wouldn't pick up the phone," you commented as you played with the waist of his slacks teasingly.

"I thought you'd broken up with me! It was the only chance I had and I panicked, okay?" you simply giggled at his words and he looked at you confused.

"You know what they say about break up sex?"— you asked with a more sensual tone and he shook his head still staring blankly —"It makes you bolder, why would you worry about the outcome if it's all over anyway?"

Hoseok listened attentively, wanting to know where you were going with this, so he didn't flirt back right away. All he offered was an accomplice smirk, a spark in his eye changed his innocent gaze in an instant.

"I am not a whore, I just want you to treat me like one" you proposed and he questioned his hearing.

"Um, what?" Hobi laughed entertained. That was a request he didn't expect to hear from you. He couldn't believe your words even if he heard them perfectly.

"I want you to have me your way, stop worrying, baby. I won't judge," you reassured him as you teasingly unzipped the back of your skirt and let it fall to the floor before sitting with your back to him.

"It's not that, I know you wouldn't," he murmured as he wrapped his arms around your waist and leaned closer to kiss your neck.

As he continued to kiss you down your back, you leaned forward so he could go lower and lower. Your hands held you up at just the right angle. 

His grasp was lower now, but firm on your hips to keep you pressed to his. He gently rubbed himself against your ass all along as you wiggled it. Once he was fully hard, he stopped and you looked back at him over your shoulder.

"If it were up to me"— he began as he looked at you with lustful eyes —"you know I would want to be deep inside of you."

"I thought you liked anal," you blurted out surprised as you turned around to face him.

Wasn't it one of his favorites? You didn't know what to say, it made you nervous knowing exactly what he meant.

Lately there was a lot of butt sex and he went along with it because you seemed to enjoy it. Hobi thought it was a matter of time until you were ready for him, but you didn't bring it up yourself.

"I have to confess having it done to me is one of my favorite things, performing it, not so much," he smiled sheepishly.

"Oh, I definitely misunderstood your words" you had suggested it all along thinking he did love it and hoping he wouldn't be disappointed.

Turns out he had been doing the exact same thing. That explained one of the many reasons why the sex had been so unsatisfying when you did get into it despite all the stress.

"It's just that it's not the same, it feels different. I have a really hard time coming from it unless I keep it shallow and, if it's that way, I'd much rather do it from the front" Hobi explained as best as he could feeling guilty that he didn't talk about it before. His focus had been on pleasing you somehow because he was lacking in every other area.

You stared at him with a worried look and he sighed. He had been keeping to himself not to pressure you into doing anything you didn't want to do, but now seemed like a good time to bring up a pressing question of his.

"I need you to be honest with me. It's been months and I worry you are not telling me something, but then I see your dilators lying around and...will it ever be possible or would it be too much for you?"

"I want to be ready for you so I keep working on it, but I never feel mentally prepared for it. It's just that...I don't know if I can take it, I've never been in this situation before and I'm scared." you made eye contact with him embarrassed about admitting it, a little humorless laugh escaping your lips. Hobi smiled endeared by your vulnerability.

"I don't want to hurt you, that's what I'm concerned about. I know you would never shame me for going all out. The question is though...do you really want me to? Do you mean it?"🔞

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