"Fucking pervert."

"Leave Hobi alone, you dyke."

You clenched your jaw as you walked across the airport and past the women who had just insulted you. Your bodyguard following closely behind, but at a short distance.

You'd never cared what people thought, but the homophobia had been overwhelming, to say the least, the last couple months. Things got progressively worse instead of improving as you had both hoped.

It was rare for idols to come out, no one did after Holland*, so being an idol's queer girlfriend was the closest. People went wild, the media exploded and rumors had multiplied alarmingly.

Several clients had called to cancel, established ones that had hired your services multiple times in the past. The number of calls were significantly less these days too.

Was it because of the drama surrounding dating a celebrity? Was it because of the rumors about your reputation? Was it because you were gay? You weren't entirely sure, but the frequency declining was noticeable.

Some days you handled better than others, but tonight you could feel your eyes burning as you tried not to spill the tears that threatened to come out.

By now you were used to walking around hearing slurs, seeing people spit on the floor where you walked, threaten you and insult you for who you were and your relationship with Hoseok.

Having a bodyguard as he had suggested helped in the sense that they could protect you from physical harm. Verbal abuse was different though, he couldn't make people shut up, not before they spewed their first few vile words at least.

That was not all, not even close.

Be it for their five seconds of fame or because they didn't like you to begin with, people from your old school in Busan were sharing their stories and making it all worse.

It took no time for them to become viral on social media and get people talking. Even though you were pretty reserved at school, there had always been rumors of you sleeping around.

All those people you helped, they confided in you, yet they never spoke up and against the whispering because it would have meant aerating their own personal business. Those topics were taboo and people felt ashamed.

While you couldn't blame those you had lent a hand to, it hurt. It hurt that all you'd done all your life was help others, yet all you got was hate and judgement in return. Nobody would risk helping you, not even your boyfriend.

His hands were tied and you knew it pained him deeply not to be able to do anything about it without dragging a whole lot of people with him.

Ignoring it all and living with it was the best bet, it was unquestionable in the society you lived in. You had discussed it over and over again and you seemed to be a lot more at peace with the idea than he was.

You could tell he struggled by the way he got agitated when the topic came up, by how his eyes glazed over at times when he felt particularly angry or helpless.

Hoseok would huff in frustration, pull his hair or throw a punch at the nearest cushion. All the while sporting his pout and scowl with a razor sharp jawline product of clenching his teeth unnecessarily hard.

You needed a break from everything and while you knew you wouldn't get a proper sleep on your own, you were used to it. Specially after having been away for a fortnight.

I'm sleeping in my apartment tonight.

Hobi's eyebrows furrowed when he read your message that had just come in his phone. He sighed and pressed his lips together, nostrils flaring, free hand closing in a tight fist.

He was angry, he was sad and he felt helpless as he witnessed your decline and felt you slipping through his fingers no matter how hard he tried to hold onto what you two had.

These last few months had been very stressful for him and it was harder to fight his demons when he felt so miserable. He wanted to be there for you, he wanted to protect you, but there was no way he could do more than he already did and he felt useless.

He couldn't be a better boyfriend than he was so he felt like he was a terrible excuse for one. Old forgotten memories of other women dumping him because of what he did or didn't do kept coming back to him in waves and contributing to his misery.

After having been apart for two weeks and knowing you wouldn't have a good sleep on your own, you had still chosen not to come to him as soon as you got home like you always did and he had a bad feeling about it.

Hoseok knew all too well that he was to blame. He felt like a mere spectator as you faced the cruelty of the judgemental world he had brought you into. Even if he tried to keep the spotlight on himself, you now had your own just by existing by his side and he couldn't do anything about it.

Not without letting you go, and he didn't want that. Did you? Were you sick and tired of him? That's what he feared the most these days. He had never come this far with anyone else since he debuted.

Hobi dreaded the day when you'd have enough of it all. Time seemed to go slowly and he didn't know how to feel. He wished all of this hiding could be over fast, yet that would mean their contract would be over fast as well.

It was scary, all what was ahead of them without being under the company's wing, and they didn't know how well it would go or how soon they'd be able to perform again.

At this point though, he was more eager to make it better for you than for himself. He would have more time to do what he loved, it wasn't all ending really, but there would be no going back if things between you ended.

He wanted to throw caution to the wind and tell everyone to leave you alone, that your relationship was fine and yes, you were into women, so what was the issue? Why the intolerance when it affected no one but you?

Yet he couldn't and it made him so mad. It had never felt like it before, but the responsibility he had weighing on his shoulders for everyone else was a burden. He felt trapped in his obligations as J-Hope while, privately, he was tormented as he watched his personal life, Jung Hoseok's, slowly fall apart.

He'd never not be J-Hope, even when he was old and no longer performing, people would know who he was once. If that side of him didn't work for you now, it wouldn't after the end of the year either.

Somehow, with that last thought, he had managed to make himself feel even worse. The end wasn't just a few months away.

Hoseok froze on the spot at the realization but quickly tried to switch to a more positive outlook. It was all that kept him sane and he had to hold onto it for dear life.

Just like everyone else, he too needed hope.

If you made it to the end of the year, got that far together, he wanted to make sure you felt his support. He wanted to somehow make up for these few months of hell.

He had donated to multiple causes in the past, so he made a mental note to find organizations that help make things easier for you and for everyone else who is attacked because of their sexual orientation or identity.

Ever since people started suspecting your sexuality, some of his old friends* had approached him expressing concern too. He couldn't say much, but they seemed to be supportive in the case that you were actually bisexual as rumored. They didn't come from a place of rejection for what was being said.

For a long time he suspected some of them were queer and he knew some fellow artists didn't even care to hide it. Regardless, it was ridiculous how leading a double life* seemed to be absolutely necessary because of the level of hate associated with being out.

Going out and about without pretending you were someone you were not was the bravest of feats. Hobi admired you for being unapologetic, he felt like he was too much of a coward as he kept quiet in comparison.

If only he could be free to do as he pleased and be for you what you needed of him right this moment...if only it was all as easy as it sounded in his head. But his decisions hadn't only affected him in years so he held back against his own wishes.

For the greater good, not his own. And most certainly not yours, which was what made him feel the worst.

As you sat huddled in a thin blanket on a chair in your balcony, you looked up at the sky and contemplated your life as it was these days. Tears rolled down your cheeks effortlessly and you felt lonely like you hadn't in a long while.

You didn't miss it at all, you hated it, but you didn't feel like you had a choice. You needed time away from everything and everyone, including Hoseok.

It was all too much, you hadn't felt so low and worthless in such a long time. Not since your parents sent you away, not since your grandparents most definitely didn't welcome you into their home.

A sick in the head degenerate. That's what you were in their eyes. You were just you, why was it so wrong to be who you were?

Why did everyone feel the need to point fingers at you like you were some freak that deserves no love or compassion?

Whatever had you done to be born this way? To deserve this much hate and unkindness? It just wasn't fair and, for a moment there, you believed it was and fresh tears inundated your eyes as your chin wobbled.

You hugged your knees for lack of a warm, comforting body and felt even more sorry for yourself. You didn't want this, you didn't want any of it, why couldn't it just stop? When would they leave you alone?

It only seemed to get worse as time passed rather than better, as you had hoped. Would it ever end? Would you ever be truly accepted?

It was illogical, but you simultaneously wanted everyone to go away and to stay with you. You wanted to be contained, but no one could offer that, it all just hurt, so what was the point of them being around?

If they were going to hurt, they might as well leave you alone. Just you and your space you knew so well. Only you, really, and absolutely no one else there.

You were startled by your cellphone ringing on the small glass table to your left and you looked down at the caller ID apprehensively.

This was the worst possible time, but somehow it could always get worse. There were no limits to how bad it could be from experience and you didn't want to tempt fate by turning a blind eye.

At the same time, something in you was still alight deep inside and wanted to keep fighting back. So you picked up the call defiantly.

"Abeonim*?" you asked dryly, voice hard and unwelcoming.

"How are your doing, uri ttal, I heard you are dating a famous singer" you cringed at the name, being reminded of the conversation you had with your mother when you were in Gwanju.

"So, what about it?" you answered defensively bracing yourself for more nasty comments.

"I just thought I'd check in on you, I've heard the rumours too, it must be tough,"

"Oh. I'm doing okay, thank you for asking, father" you weren't very convincing, you kept sniffling and your voice was hoarse from sobbing.

"If you'd like to talk some time, can I invite you out to dinner?" his voice was hesitant, you rarely agreed to these things and he wasn't hopeful. He didn't stop trying though.

"I don't know what you've heard, but..." you didn't know if it was the cheating, the interactions with women or the way you helped people in school. Your voice was shaky and wary.

"It's okay, uri ttal, you don't have to explain it to me. I know I've not supported you in the past and I don't want to make that mistake again. You know what you are doing, I'm sure."

"Thank you," there was nothing else you could say. You were stunned into silence and that was the best you could come up with.

"Well, I guess I will leave you to your things now. Have a good night, soondoongie*"

"Appa" you hadn't called him that in a while, but he tried not to let his surprise show in the tone of his voice.

Just like you were trying after hearing him call you affectionately. You hadn't heard that pet name since you were a kid, before you were kicked out.

"Yes?" he asked in a soft voice, sweet even, you thought.

"Let's have dinner some time" you accepted his invitation for the first time in forever.

He was actually trying, he didn't question what was being said of you, he simply let you be and trusted you as your own individual self.

Maybe you could give him a chance, in contrast with your mother, he had made a lot of progress. The past was the past, he made mistakes, so did you, maybe it was time to let him in once more.

He didn't know better, he didn't understand you back then, but he seemed to be willing to listen without judgement now and you needed someone other than your friends and Hobi. A parental figure, family.

You didn't sleep a wink that night, but you thought a lot about the call with your father. About your relationship and whether there was a future for you and your boyfriend.

Then the next day you looked into Hobi's eyes like you hadn't been crying your eyes out. Yet he could see the signs: your puffy eyes, your swollen face and blushing cheeks.

You rarely wore much make up, but then sometimes he noticed your efforts trying to conceal your pain. At the sight his chest tightened, but he kept quiet, he didn't want to make things worse. Maybe you were doing this for him and not for yourself?

Hoseok was so confused and conflicted, he didn't know what to do anymore, so he put on a stoic front like everything was fine. Like he hadn't been tossing and turning all night, restless because you were next door and not next to him.

The sadness in his eyes was more telling than he imagined though and you could see it even when he smiled and laughed.

Were you two even happy anymore?

-

Hey! It's been a while! This chapter is lacking a gif and the footnotes, but I've been writing it for so long I just felt like it finally needed to be out right now. I'll come back and edit in the footnotes and find a proper gif eventually.

Please bear with me. I hope you liked what I wrote and it's not a mess!