⚠️ This chapter is pretty heavy with homophobia, has mentions of physical abuse and self-harm. Proceed with caution if these topics are triggering to you.

"Yeoboseyo" you said into the phone expecting to hear a client.

You were no stranger to picking up calls at strange times of the night, clients could call at any point. Although most had the decency not to try to reach you past midnight or before sunset. Unknown numbers were usual as you got new clients all the time.

"Hello uri ttal*, is that you?" at the sound of the very familiar voice, your blood ran cold.

"Excuse me? Is it possible that you have the wrong number, miss?" you didn't want it to be real. It had been way too long, but then she called your name and you couldn't pretend anymore.

"I heard you are in a relationship with this man, Jung Hoseok. I'm happy to hear the news," her voice was soft and sweet. And a complete lie.

"Uh, why are you calling me all of a sudden? It's been over a decade, eomeoni²" you didn't want to hear from her. You no longer had a mother, you had assumed she had disowned you long ago.

"I'm glad to see you are doing better and have come back to your senses³. I was hopeful one day you would, even if your grandparents weren't able to help you," the nerve of this woman. She only showed up when she thought you were magically not queer anymore.

"Yes, I am much better without you, actually. I do not appreciate this call, how did you get my number?" you growled into the phone and she sounded taken aback by your hostile tone.

"It wasn't easy, but thankfully after a few failed calls, I was able to find the right number,"

"Well, delete me from your contacts or I will change it. I do not want you calling me ever again. I lost my mother the moment you looked at me like I was vermin," your words were harsh, but you had no sympathy for her. She was no parent if she abandoned her child.

"Uri ttal, are you seeing a therapist? I thought you were more stable now, your words however...you sound distressed. Can I help somehow? All these years I've been thinking of you, hoping you'd come back to us,"

"Come back?? Seriously? You sent me off because I was a disgrace to the family. You said I was disgusting and mentally ill, that I needed correction!"

"We wanted the best for you, we did all we could to help you get better. Your grandparents, they—"

"Oh yeah, the rod of love⁴, isn't it? They struck me day and night even though they weren't going to change anything. As if that wasn't enough, they sent me to those goddamned therapy⁵ sessions once a week that did nothing but actually make me mentally unstable," your voice was low and threatening. You didn't want Hoseok to hear any of it.

"Uri ttal, it was for your own good, we've prayed fervently for your salvation and see how it's worked. You are finally back on the right path and I'm overjoyed to hear it. Please think of your dear mother who's been waiting for you all these years,"

"How dare you ask for my thoughts? You never thought of me, you were sure I was going to hell and you will never understand what you've actually done to me. I want nothing to do with you, not now, not ever. And just so you know, I have come to terms with the fact I'm going to hell because I can't be anything but who I am," you didn't believe it, you were being sarcastic, but you knew she wouldn't get it. She truly believed your were doomed.

"There is hope, if this relationship progresses, you will be fine. I have faith—"

"You don't know what hope is" you snarled, phone shaking in your hand from the contained rage bubbling in your chest.

She tried to insist and you were done with this conversation, for some reason you had held back this long despite spitting the venom she had fed you the whole time. Your chest raised and fell as you breathed laboredly. This had to stop now.

"You know what, in case it's not clear, I WOULD STILL PROUDLY FUCK A WOMAN! I'M NEVER GOING TO CHANGE, EOMEONI!" you angrily ended the call and threw your phone aggressively as if it burned.

You were shaking on your legs as you cried bitterly into your hands and you felt your boyfriend's hands softly wrap your upper arms and pull you close to then bring you into tight hug.

"Aein, what's just happened?" he murmured leaning closer to your ear and then resting his temple against yours.

"It was eomeoni, Hoseok-ah. I'm changing my number, I don't want her to find me again," you hiccuped and he sighed deeply. He had never been so glad about mishearing something, but you needed him now. The relief quickly turned into worry once more.

"I will get you a Gwanju line if you can't wait to be back in Seoul, nae jageun sae*⁶. Anything so you won't cry anymore," his voice was low, mellow and comforting.

You brought your hands down and held onto his sides, circling your arms around his waist and grabbing at the fabric of his t-shirt tightly. Hobi's heart broke when he pulled back to see your stained cheeks, red nose and eyes inundated with tears.

"Yah, aein, you are hurting yourself" he called you out pressing his thumb to your bottom lip and lightly loosening it from the hold your teeth had on it. His finger slid from side to side to carefully wipe the blood you'd drawn and you winced.

For the first time he noticed the scars on the inside of your lip. He didn't know they were from years ago, from biting so hard into them not to make a sound, to endure the pain inflicted on you. An unconscious method to deal with the daily anxiety of existing rather than living your life.

"Are you rabid?" you teased him when you noticed the white foam around his mouth and he chuckled and let go of you to grab a couple tissues.

First he dabbed your bottom lip and wiped his thumb clean from the blood. Then he cleaned his mouth and turned around to spit the remaining toothpaste.

"Sorry"— he apologized as he turned back to you and you shook your head not minding it while sniffling —"you scared me so much I dropped everything as I was brushing my teeth and came running into the room."

"I'm sorry"— your voice trembled and fresh tears started streaming down your face —"I was so shocked. I never thought she would reach out to me and she was saying all these horrible things like I was diseased and defective,"

Your whole body shook once more and he wrapped his arms around you and lead you to the bed to sit you on it and help you pull off your dress and brassiere*⁷. Hobi pulled out your nightshirt from your bag and fit the sleeves before he knelt to gently button it up for you.

As you watched him in silence, you gradually calmed down until you were just sniffling and your eyes were only glassy. When he was done you took his arms and pulled him up high enough to throw your arms around his body and hug him close.

"Thank you so much for being here for me, Hob-ah. You have no idea how much I need you," you mumbled with your face buried in his chest.

Your boyfriend smiled at you warmly and kissed your forehead before pulling back the covers so you'd get in. Obliging, you did and scooted to give him space to cuddle with you before he could walk around the bed. Giggling at the hurried action, he got in and you curled up to his side.

"There's nothing wrong with you, in fact, everything's just right. I love you so much it scares me because you are all what I need and didn't know," he confessed with a racing heart. You were in such a fragile state he felt like he needed to offer some of his innermost feelings to comfort you.

"I'm scared of you too," you murmured without looking up from his shoulder where your head laid, even though he had instantly glanced down to meet your eyes.

"Why are you scared of me? What did I do?" he blurted out worriedly and you giggled and finally locked your eyes with his. You did look scared.

"I'm a complicated person, I know, I wouldn't blame you if you left eventually. The idea of losing what we have though...I can't bear it, it's terrifying how much I love you and need you."

"We are two scaredy cats, would you look at that"— he joked and finally made you smile for more than a milisecond —"I guess we'll have to stick together to look after one another."

Hoseok pressed his lips together and furrowed his eyebrows, shaking his head as if deeming the situation hopeless. There was no other choice but to never leave each other's side.

What a pity, neither of you could be more pleased.

-

The title of this chapter is brought to you by Austin Mahone's song "All I Ever Need": https://youtu.be/ZAC_k1HUyE4

* It is not common to say 'my daughter' in Korean as they have a strong feeling of community. A more appropriate way is saying 'our daughter' or uri ttal.

Source: https://www.quora.com/What-is-my-daughter-in-Korean

*² Eomma, which we are more familiar with means 'mom'. Eomeoni is a more formal way of addressing your parents and it means 'mother'. Eomeonim is a more respectful way of addressing someone else's mother due to its suffix -nim.

Saying something insulting and then being respectful by adding the suffix isn't very coherent. Hobi misheard since he was in a different room and he didn't question how much sense it all made. Your mother had been out of your life for so long he was conditioned to hear the wrong word.

*³ More conservative people in South Korea believe being queer is a mental illness that can be 'cured' or 'fixed'. It's horrible how natural all these opposing people sound, the homophobia is so deeply internalized:

*⁴ Corporal punishments were a thing applied at school up until they were prohibited in 2010. Scarily enough, it was only in 2021 that these punishments were prohibited at home. The right to physically discipline children was part of the civil code up until then. Between 2001 and 2017 child abuse rose more than 10-fold, 77% of those perpetrators were parents.

https://theworld.org/stories/2011-04-05/south-korea-debates-students-discipline

https://www.vice.com/en/article/43j4zg/parents-in-south-korea-are-upset-they-cant-beat-their-kids-anymore

*⁵ Unfortunately conversion therapy is a thing in South Korea as extremists still believe queerness can be rectified. I wanted to make a disclaimer here because this is not meant to be a generalization when it comes to religious people or Christians.

I myself am a Christian and I can assure you these extreme people are that, they are not the rule. There are many religious people who do not share this sentiment. I hope you can tell I don't agree with it at all, Christianity preaches God is Love and I doubt He'd reject someone for loving anyone else.

About this horrid practice, there is descriptive sensitive content, please keep it in mind before reading: https://www.gaystarnews.com/article/gay-conversion-therapy-south-korea/

*⁶ Nae jageun sae means 'my little bird' in case you need a reminder.

*⁷ This is a serious moment, but I couldn't help myself, I'm sorry. We need some lighthearted comments here, this chapter is hard to write and read, I imagine. At 48:00: https://youtu.be/3EKgqNKUdbU