You were awake. Sleeping pills had done absolutely nothing for you with Hoseok's rage fueled visit. It had left you feeling like absolute shit, so your anxiety had been through the roof. Now he messaged you seemingly totally chill, but he did say he would talk to you this morning.

There were so many things going through your mind. You hoped he could understand you wanted no part in what happened with Mirae. It just turned out to be that way and you didn't see it coming at all.

The girl you remembered was soft spoken, shy and passive. It never crossed your mind that she could go as far as she had, but truth was you didn't know her anymore. You should have known better than to let her get too close when her first reaction to seeing you was alarming.

You wanted to be polite and professional, yet you didn't plan to work with Mr. Kang again. You were questioning why you had even got into this mess. If they took offense if you turned them down, you shouldn't have cared and should have just done your job on the day of departure and arrival.

When you decided to wait to talk to Hobi, you didn't keep in mind that someone could recognize you as his girlfriend. You had never dated someone famous, so obvious things like this weren't thoughts that came to you naturally.

It was too late now, your boyfriend had found out through the media and he was deeply hurt by your lying to him and hiding this until you were back. If he could at least listen to you, maybe you could save your relationship.

With his past and the things he had confided in you, however, it was hard to tell whether it would be in him to forgive you. You had hit him where you knew it hurt him the most, you don't just forget those things, you don't simply get over them and move on.

You showered and threw on some high-waisted sweats and tucked a plain graphic t-shirt in them before heading to Hobi's apartment. Your heart was beating a hundred miles an hour, your pulse was shaky from how nervous you were. You had fucked up badly and hurt the one person who had shown you what true love is.

Standing infront of his unit, you took a few deep breaths to calm yourself down and rang the bell. You soon heard steps coming and a stoic looking Hoseok opened the door for you and gestured for you to walk in. No greetings were exchanged.

He lead you to the kitchen without a word, poured a cup of hot coffee for you while you took a seat and served you a bowl of the kimchi jjigae he had whipped up earlier in the morning. He had been up since five and had taken ages to fall asleep last night after the bitter moment.

"Did you rest well?" you cut the silence with the usual question, out of habit, just to make some conversation. Hobi hadn't said anything since you walked in and he let you eat your food without initiating the talk himself.

"No, I slept like shit"— he answered dryly, but he was honest —"how about you?"

"I didn't sleep at all."

He was not 'totally chill' as you had figured, he was mad, but had cooled down a fair bit. Enough to be able to speak to you without being aggressive towards you. If he had tried to talk about this whole thing yesterday, he would have been ruthless.

Even if he was suffering, he didn't want to ruin your relationship addressing that in the heat of the moment when he knew he had lost his temper. When his anger was at its peak, he was not himself, he could say things he didn't really mean, and he needed to step back to regain his composure.

He was disappointed in himself for going about things this poorly, these outbursts always made him feel like he lost control of himself. It was not easy to make him mad, he could reason with himself most of the time before he exploded and things got ugly.

There were a limited number of things that set him off and betraying his trust and lying to him were in that list. He couldn't stand being disrespected and played like that. Now that he had had some time to process it all, he was ready to listen to what you had to say about the situation.

Hoseok didn't lack feelings, but he didn't let himself be ruled by them. He was a pragmatic man and he expected a proper explanation from your part for one. While he would give you the benefit of the doubt and consider your side, that didn't mean he would easily forgive and forget.

The last thing he wanted was to throw everything you had away, but it was difficult for him to see a way to work through this as everything was at the moment. He didn't think he could forgive cheating, he wouldn't ever be able to forget it and would fear it could repeat itself.

But he wasn't giving up just yet.

He truly loved you and he didn't want this to be over, he really didn't. He trusted you, he had thought he had upset you somehow before thinking you had done something for him to doubt you. You had said you'd never cheat, this didn't make sense entirely.

Relying solely on some random photo on the internet was never a good idea. The fact that it was a kiss made it difficult to misinterpret though, so when he saw it he didn't know what to think. It wasn't as easy to find a reasonable explanation, the possibilities were very limited.

Hobi was praying there was some sort of crazy explanation for this even if you looked guilty. There had to be a reason, he did not want to believe you had lied to him about everything. About not being the type to cheat, about not needing anyone but him and about you loving him.

The woman he knew was better than this, she couldn't be a lie. He hoped to whatever higher power that it hadn't all been an act. It was terrifying to think he was just in denial and this was actually real and would soon be over.

He thought he had finally broken the goddamn curse.

If you could prove him wrong somehow and offer a logical explanation for all of this, he would gladly swallow his pride if that meant you'd stay. It was not often that he backed down even if he hated conflict because when he got to this point, he had a good reason to fight.

You were worth it though if you were the person he had got to know this last year. How would you have been able to pretend for so long? Then again the band had experienced the weirdest situations with fame, anything was possible.

When you were done with your food, you stared up at him looking truly remorseful. His countenance was neutral, he wanted this to work out, but he wasn't going to give in unless you gave him a good reason to. He was not a pushover.

"Let's talk about it now that you've eaten" he offered and you nodded. He crossed his arms over his chest and fixed his gaze on you awaiting your explanation.

"Are going to tell me the truth about this old classmate of yours now? Why you were nervous? It sure as hell seems like there's more to it than what you told me" his words were cutting still, but he was as serene as he could be while still being angry.

If this was his calm self when he was ready to talk, you could hardly imagine what he would have been like if he hadn't retreated. You didn't think you ever wanted to find out. Nevertheless, you thought his anger was justified.

"Mirae, that's her name" you offered and he simply waited for you to elaborate. He wasn't going to speak unless he had something relevant to say, you were the one who owed him a talk.

"She was my first girlfriend, the one I explored my sexuality with for the first time,"

"The one you had when your parents sent you away?" he remembered you telling him how it had all gone down because they had found out you were seeing a girl.

"Yes, exactly,"

"So I guess you found each other again after a long time after being separated by force" he concluded and you raised an eyebrow.

Hoseok could be arrogant for sure, he knew that, but he could also backtrack and reassess if you appealed to logic. He was just stressing the facts, laying out the information you were giving him to truly analyze the situation.

"No, that's not how it went, Hoseok-ah" you answered annoyed at his attitude. If he wanted to talk, he'd have to let you explain without turning everything against you.

"I'm all ears" he was willing to listen, but he was here awaiting cold hard facts, not ambiguous feelings.

"Mirae broke up with me shortly after my mother walked in on us having sex. She was and still is ashamed of her sexuality, it's always been clear to her that she's a lesbian.

She reached out to me and confided in me that she was not attracted to men at all and that's how we started experimenting with each other and ended up together."

"And she's married to a man?" he asked not following.

"Yes, her parents are very conservative and my mom never saw her face so I'm the only one who suffered the consequences.

Mirae was terrified of anyone finding out she was gay, we always hid, no one knew about her. In fact she was kind of famous for being a heartbreaker with all the guys that she turned down.

She approached me in school, told me she couldn't handle the pressure of my mother having seen us. Knowing I wouldn't make a scene for her sake, she dumped me where I couldn't talk freely."

"Wow, that was a low blow. And you are not over her?" he questioned and you frowned, clenching your jaw done with his assumptions.

"Hoseok-ah, stop putting words in my mouth. You are acting like a real cunt right now" you used his own words against him and his triangular pout showed up to give away how you had hurt his ego. He needed to stop thinking the worst of you to be truly objective.

"She hurt me a great deal, but I moved on and I expected nothing from her, not even an apology. It was in the past. I've never had a desire to see her again.

After that talk in the courtyard she didn't contact me once. I didn't know anything about her, so when Mr. Kang called, I had no idea who he was married to.

And to answer your question, she probably married him to keep denying her sexuality and pretending for her family."

Hobi nodded understanding Mirae's thought process a little more, it was sad to know some people went that far because they didn't feel free to be themselves. He could never live like that and he knew neither could you.

"My mistake was giving her the chance to approach me privately. I should have kept it purely professional, I know. I'm sorry about that.

I shouldn't have gone out to dinner with them, I didn't plan to work with them again anyway so it shouldn't have mattered if they thought I was being rude."

"How did you end up seeing her in private?" Hobi wondered how far all of this had gone, how you had found yourself in this situation.

"She was so eager to talk to me, but her husband was always there. When I left the restaurant she went after me.

I kept walking because she is my ex and she was making me uncomfortable treating me like we hadn't lost contact over a decade ago. But she ran after me and stopped me.

I shouldn't have listened to her, but I was stupid enough to believe maybe she just needed to get everything out of her chest and she would let me be,"

You truly felt like you were to blame for a lot of what had happened. If you had made better decisions, it would have never come to this.

"We were talking and she was telling me how she wanted me back. I couldn't believe what she was saying when she suggested I help her cheat on her husband.

I had just told them I was in a commited relationship with a man when Mr. Kang asked if I was married. I didn't have to give them the details, but I wanted her to leave me alone."

"So you kissed?" Hoseok looked at you at a loss, it made no sense. Things were not adding up.

"She kissed me and told me she did it thinking it would change my mind, like it would rekindle an old flame. I didn't want to kiss her, Hoseok-ah!

I never planned for things to get out of hand. I am so sorry! I didn't want to rub it on her face, but I was so mad I told her I was actually happy when she had gone on and on about how unhappy she was with her life.

And I didn't feel bad even if I should have because I love you and I didn't want to ruin what we have. I swear I feel nothing for her," your eyes were starting to water now as you saw how Hobi started to get more and more upset and you felt your relationship crumbling.

"Why didn't you tell me then? Why would you hide it from me if it didn't mean anything?"

"I thought it was a sensitive topic and I ought to tell you in person. You were so bothered by me hanging out with other women on my last trip that I didn't want you to worry unnecessarily by telling you my ex was Mr. Kang's wife.

I wasn't going to do anything with her, I was sure, so it seemed like it could wait. I thought I was doing what was best for you, that I was protecting you.

I was wrong. I didn't expect the kiss that made it worse or that someone would take a picture. I've never had a relationship that wasn't private so it didn't cross my mind that you could find out before I got to tell you,"

"Why did you let it happen? Why did you kiss her then?" Hobi tried to keep his cool, but his chest was starting to tighten as you got closer to the point.

"She kissed me and I froze remembering how it used to be and thinking about how I felt nothing for her. I mean it when I say love you, Hoseok-ah. I tried to get away but she wouldn't let go of me and she kept insisting. I didn't want any of it—"

Hobi's heart sank and his stern expression dropped as everything you said started to make sense. You literally hadn't wanted to kiss her, you hadn't meant you didn't want to do it but you did anyway.

When you had said you didn't want to do it and had been thinking about him the whole time, he was so mad all he heard were the classic meaningless excuses cheaters always repeated. He was in no state to interpret it any other way.

"Hold on, aein" the nickname stopped you in your tracks, why the sudden change in attitude? You looked up at him confused and with tears running down your cheeks.

His eyebrows were furrowed but his eyes were wide as if he had realized something as you spoke.

"Are you telling me you didn't want to kiss her but she was physically holding you...forcing herself on you??" Hoseok had gone from being angry at you to being worried sick in the blink of an eye. He realized he had been so wrong with his assumption.

"She pulled me in to kiss me and I was so shocked I didn't react right away. I didn't mean for the kiss to happen, Hob-ah. I truly am sorry, I would have never done this to you if I could help it, what we have means the world to me" you were sobbing, filled with shame and regret that he realized he had misinterpreted as you being guilty.

You were innocent, yet you kept apologizing. This was not right, it was not him who was in denial about what you had done, you were in denial about what had happened to you.

"Aein, listen. It was not your fault, you were in shock. You reacted when you could. That's not kissing back," he tried to make sense of your words and you nodded.

Hobi had walked around the kitchen island and was now leaning on the surface next to you to be at eye level.

"She kept touching me, she pulled me by the waist, then g-grabbed my bottom and stroked my c-chest. I pushed her back as soon as I could move, Hob-ah, but I never imagined she could do something like that. She was unrecognizable" you explained in between tears and your boyfriend was filled with anger for you now.

"Aein, that's assault" he thought he was stating the obvious, but you looked at him with furrowed eyebrows and denied it immediately.

"She's my ex-girlfriend and she was being weird around me. I let her get me alone to do this, I should have known better,"

"No, listen. She forced herself on you, not only did she kiss you when you didn't want it, she touched you inappropriately. You didn't consent to it, that's assault, it doesn't matter that she was not a complete stranger."

Your boyfriend's words slowly sank in and you started sobbing again as you realized you had been sexually harassed. It didn't feel like it had been that bad initially, like you could use such a strong word when people out there really had much more traumatic experiences with sexual encounters.

Why did you feel that you held part of the blame?

His body enveloped you, he wrapped his arms around you and held you tightly against him as you sat on the stool. He felt awful for having treated you the way he had because he was an insecure idiot.

This had been a lot more serious than he had anticipated, it hadn't even crossed his mind that this could be a possibility. You never think it'll happen to you or those close to you until it does.

"I'm sorry, aein. You don't have to apologize, I understand. I'm not mad at you anymore, I promise. We are okay. Everything's going to be okay, you hear me?" Hobi tried to comfort you as you squeezed his waist and cried pitifully into his chest.

"Everything's going to be okay" he repeated softly, stroking your hair while offering the most caring and consoling hug he could muster.

-

Assault is a strong topic to bring up, it takes things to another level. I've seen it being used for the shock factor in other stories, but I included it for two reasons:

To touch on Hobi's insecurities regarding being left for someone else and his fear of being cheated on without her actually cheating; and to address something I don't think people talk about enough and I want to put out there.

The concept of victim blaming is very present as people try to fight it and raise awareness. Not only when it comes to women, but also men. People seem to forget abuse is not only by men to women, it's done by anyone to anyone.

What I don't see many people talking about and I think they should, is how some victims truly believe the treatment they receive is their fault even if they were not verbally abused to believe it. It's not just people blaming victims unfairly, victims blame themselves too.

In particular when the offense comes from someone that is close to them rather than a complete stranger. The fact that there's familiarity adds a layer of greys that has them justifying or excusing the assault they suffered.

Many victims can go years before they realize something they experienced in the past was assault. It doesn't matter whether it's an ex, a boy/girlfriend, friend or a family member, people who supposedly care for you and love you. If there's no consent, it is assault.

Reads on the topic:
https://www.theguardian.com/society/2021/aug/26/unacknowledged-the-sexual-assault-survivors-who-hide-their-trauma-even-from-themselves
https://themighty.com/topic/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/was-i-sexually-assaulted-i-dont-know

Assistance for potential victims:
https://au.reachout.com/articles/what-to-do-if-youve-realised-a-past-experience-was-sexual-assault
https://www.healthline.com/health/was-i-raped