Today was a special day to Hobi, not only because it was the 100th day of your relationship, but because he hadn't been able to celebrate this day in years.

Usually things ended long before. Between getting to know each other and becoming official, he never made it this far. It would all end before it was formalized or within the three months before the occasion.

You had known each other for about a year before you decided to give what you had a shot, your romantic relationship was still young. To him it felt like it had been longer and this date was so meaningful.

The last girlfriend he had celebrated it with was his high school girlfriend, over fifteen years ago. The memories of the day would have been alright if it wasn't for how that story ended.

After that he had focused on his training for a while, then they debuted and he only tried to go back into the dating scene once the band was getting traction a few years later.

The beginning was hard, with their rising fame and the increasing numbers in their bank accounts, the wrong women approached him.

Not knowing better, he entertained them until he realized their real intentions*. In a way he fell for it more than once because he was young, immature and sexually frustrated.

They stroked his ego and this newfound power he had acquired was too big of a temptation. Even if for a little while, with the way women came to him effortlessly, he had believed he could have anyone as people often assumed.

When the real dangers of getting carried away presented themselves and one of his hyungs suffered the consequences, he was violently shaken back to reality. He realized he had been foolish and reckless.

It was no coincidence that 'Boy Meets Evil' and an album like Wings came into existence at the time. They all had to ground themselves and not let greed, ambition or the multiple temptations of fame lead them astray.

Again he stayed away from dating for a while, too shaken by the situation, and when he thought about giving it another shot, his streak of rotten luck started.

Hoseok put so much of himself into his work, his family and his bandmates, but had a hard time balancing it out to make room for a significant other. The first complaint was the little spare time he had. Then the issue was another and another and another.

Always taking these observations as a sign to better himself*², he worked on it and tried again with renewed confidence.

He saw countless women pass by and with time his ability to bounce back from failure, his resolve and his confidence became weaker. How many obstacles would he have to sort through before he was enough? Before he was worth staying around for?

He grew, he matured and really worked on recurring issues that ended up being dealbreakers in hopes of better outcomes, yet it was never enough.

So many times he wanted to give up, but the idea of stopping was as terrifying as going on. He couldn't fathom not trying anymore and coming to terms with that decision, but he also didn't know how he'd deal with another blow to his shattered heart. Both options were awful, so he picked the lesser of two evils.

The reason for his choice? Maybe this next time it could work out. He kept telling himself that each time things didn't go well, being true to his persona that shaped*³ him. Trying to remain positive and not lose hope.

With breathers from dating here and there, he kept going for years. He became more skeptical, more hesitant to share his thoughts and feelings, better at telling apart those who were worth getting to know and those who had bad intentions.

New complaints came up, new frustrations, new problems and new limitations. They were discouraging to say the least, that's when he truly started to feel fed up of it all. When he turned against himself.

He was not enough.

No matter how hard he tried, it was not about working for it and doing his best. It was him that never made the cut. He should have realized all those years ago that there was better out there.

His self-esteem yo-yoed between good times and bad times, though he rarely let anyone see what he was going through. This is how his mates ended up coming up with their own conclusions about his interactions with women. How new insecurities arose.

If his close circle of friends questioned him, how much more would the outside world if they found out? If someone knew how many women he had slept with, took pictures of him with a different one every few weeks or throughout months...

It would be a disaster.

Make it uglier and bigger like only the media could and his life would be a horrible spectacle to behold. People would eat that shit up, they'd love the drama, the dirt they'd kick in their eyes. They often forgot they were humans because of their greed, the money they could make off of them.

He saw his brothers' experiences with the media exposing their relationships, taking photographs of them without their consent, with sasaengs bullying and threatening their loved ones, even attacking them at times. He saw how they spread lies about them when they had nothing to go by.

His misfortune would make him the perfect target. His story could be sinisterly twisted into something much more relevant than all those rumors that were made up about the guys. There was a lot more compromising material to work with.

His potential to be a real scandal, if someone were to dig up his history, was immense. By some miracle he had managed not to be in the spotlight all these years. Maybe because he took criticism as fuel to move forward, to grow and to overcome the challenges he faced.

Hoseok never once held anything against the women he dated, some had even got mad he wasn't more visceral, more emotional. Even if he was falling apart inside, he didn't resent them or hold grudges. That might have been the reason why no one had thrown him under the bus, no one had exposed him for revenge.

It would be foolish, however, to assume the clock wasn't ticking and it wasn't only a matter of time for someone to be hurt enough to share their story. Even if anonymously, it could cause a lot of damage if supported. There was a significant number of women who could take the bait and share their own experience with him.

Hoseok hadn't been perfect but he thought, in essence, he had been a good man. He never forgot the way he was raised, the lessons he was taught. Even if mad or hurt, he never did anything irreparable in his eyes.

In someone else's eyes though? In the media's eyes? That would be a different story, so what he thought hardly made a difference.

When he saw you, you could have been painted in red because you were scandalous. Every interaction was a red flag, if he hadn't known your name, he'd have surely called you Trouble.

Then you made your way into his heart sneakily and he learned to see you in a different light. His fears, his worries, his insecurities, his anal approach to relationships, his unwillingness to open up and share; you blew it all away.

Hobi didn't know how, when or why, but you had before he realized. It felt natural, he felt lighter now, he felt happy next to you like he hadn't next to any woman in a long long time.

For that, he wanted to cherish*⁴ you today. Pamper you, spoil you rotten, show you just how much he loved you. How much he appreciated you and every little thing you did and said to him.

Just for one day he wanted to leave aside his fears, forget he was replaceable, that there was better out there than him and there was a possibility you'd leave him any time. He wanted to believe you loved him and appreciated him just as much as he did in return. That was what he truly wanted.

-

* " I know how to accept. I like to listen rather than speak. If someone is to pour out their emotions on me, I can sit there and listen to them [...] I am really good at reading people's minds."

Source: https://www.wkorea.com/2022/07/22/%ec%a0%9c%ec%9d%b4%ed%99%89j-hope%ec%9d%98-%eb%b9%84%ed%95%98%ec%9d%b8%eb%93%9c-%ed%95%84%eb%a6%84

*² "I do not avoid challenges and slumps. I am the kind of person who encounters and overcomes it [...] Whatever reaction and feedback you have on me, I would take it as an opportunity to grow and advance."

Source: same as above

*³ At 20:41:

*⁴ At 41:10: