It was late at night and Hoseok was up way past the time he usually went to bed. He'd slept for so long he wasn't tired just yet. It was unfortunate, he wished he could knock himself out and be over with this godddamn day once and for all.

He felt miserable, specially at this time of the day, knowing you were probably out. Maybe even naked in bed with someone at a hotel already. If only he wasn't so bothered by the idea of it. You'd always been like this, why was he upset now?

He wasn't making any sense and was frustrated with himself. Hobi had been sure he had his feelings under control, he was accepting the way things were and slowly moving on.

Turns out the mind is powerful, but not enough to will the feelings to go away. No matter how irrational he knew he was being and how mad that made him, what he felt was just as real.

All day long, on and off, he kept brushing off the tears that fell from his glassy eyes. It was like he was constantly at the verge of crying, but not quite.

Hoseok's eyes were bloodshot from the strain, they burned despite being watery ever since you left him alone. His chest felt heavy and he was completely mentally and emotionally drained.

In the living room, he sat on an armchair in the dark as he looked out the windows at the night sky, inevitably contemplating the whole day, when he heard the front door open.

Leaning on the armrest and looking over his shoulder with a frown his face had adopted, he stared back at it puzzled. It was you. He had apologized for his attitude and given you a key hoping you'd change your mind, but at this point he wasn't expecting you'd use it.

"What are you doing here at this time of the night?" he asked softly from the shadows trying to play it as cool as possible, though he wasn't sure how convincing it was with how bad he sounded.

His question startled you as you turned around after taking off your shoes and sliding your feet in the slippers he kept by the door.

"Hoseok-ah! I thought you'd be sleeping by now, what are you doing up?" you took a few steps closer and he leaned back on his chair, as if you could see more than his silhouette with the lights off.

"I couldn't sleep, I must have slept about half a day and I'm used to running on few hours of sleep" he muttered trying not to speak loud enough you'd hear how hoarse his voice was.

You instinctively reached out to flip the switch of the lamp to a side of the couch before you took a seat on the coffee table in front of him and Hoseok panicked.

He looked away and down in an effort to hide his face, quickly wiping it with the sleeve of his robe, which had him sniffling. That gave him away and his stomach dropped.

"Hobi*? Are you crying? What's wrong?" you asked filled with concern. He sighed defeated and looked up.

You were met with his glassy reddened eyes, the corners of his mouth were drooping, bottom lip jutting forward without even trying. He nodded when you looked surprised and let his head hang.

"Hey, do you want to talk?" you said reaching out and squeezing his forearm tightly just like you had when he was anxious that time he tried to talk about how he felt.

"You know" he chuckled nervously as he brushed a tear from his eye with one of his fingers, "that night we slept together..."

At his words your heart started pounding, he hadn't said anything about that since it happened. You didn't think he thought about it at all.

Hoseok looked up at you, but you were listening attentively and you were not planning to say anything by the looks of it. He swallowed and inhaled deeply, anticipating his next few words.

"I didn't intend to spend the night with you. You expressly told me you only did casual and weren't looking for anything serious, yet I..." he took a moment to carefully choose his words and you were confused. You had told him that was okay, you were happy to help him out.

"Why did you then?" you weren't following, there had been no pressure from your part. In fact, he very clearly asked for it.

"I didn't want sex, I wanted you" his words left you breathless but your mind couldn't process what he was trying to say. Not with all the thoughts that crossed your mind and buried feelings that were coming up.

"Wanted me? What do you mean? You took me that night, didn't you?" you denied it, twisting his words to make it revolve around sex again. That's all it was, all it could be. Your heart was beating hard in your chest, so much you felt light-headed.

Hobi chuckled at your words and shook his head in amusement. He didn't think he'd have to explain himself when you had talked countless times about what you wanted from other people.

"I wasn't looking for sex, but I got scared and I said that instead of talking to you. I needed you, not for sex though.

I could sleep with anyone, I'm not even trying to brag, I could literally do it. I can literally go fuck myself if I want to, I mean, you caught me earlier.

I don't have much time with our schedules, so if I wake up hard I will take advantage of it, get rid of it quick and, while I'm at it, get some relief. And I actually do multiple times a week*². My drive is pretty high."

"I don't understand, Hob-ah, why are you telling me this? What did you want from me?"

"What I need runs deeper and I can't take care of it on my own. I know this is going to sound bad, but please let me explain first...I have slept with a lot of women. But the sex wasn't satisfying, it wasn't what I really wanted, what I really needed.

I ended up in bed with them because I couldn't bring myself to talk about what I wanted most of all. In the beginning it happened too soon because I got frustrated and they misinterpreted it, so I tried to give myself more time to talk about it. I still never felt prepared and we ended up just fucking."

"Hobi, you know I'd never judge you. I've slept with a fair amount of people myself and I'm not ashamed of it. You should never feel ashamed of taking care of these very human urges, of finding pleasure in it. As long as it's not ruling your life, it's healthy and normal. You don't strike me as hypersexual*³" you tried to comfort him and ended on a light hearted note with a little laugh.

"No, I clearly did not mean for it all to revolve around sex" he commented seriously, he was too tense to joke around.

"Yeah, me neither" you agreed and he looked at you curiously, "I was trying to tell you this morning, my insomnia is really bad. I have sleeping pills for it, but sometimes not even those help. What really helps is sleeping with someone."

You blushed at your statement, because while it was about sleeping it inevitably ended up being linked to sex too. There weren't many options to bring someone into your bed or get into someone else's bed.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm very open about my sexuality, I enjoy it. But there's more to it than what meets the eye, isn't there?" you added and he nodded without hesitation, he knew exactly what you meant. He always worried about what it would come across as.

"I was losing my mind, I just wanted some sleep and I was dying for it so I asked you if I could sleep in your bed. You were so uncomfortable in the morning though and I figured it would be better if I just dealt with things on my own, as I usually do" you looked sad and he could tell it was frustrating to have to deal with that all alone.

He felt bad that once more he had thought the worst of you, he was blinded by jealousy. Either way, he had had no right to get mad when you said you'd go out, even if you really had wanted sex alone.

"Why did you come back then?" he just needed to know if it was because of him, it was only wishful thinking. Even if you hadn't come back for him, it was still his problem, it was not about you.

"It didn't work out" you shrugged.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you when I saw you sleeping in my bed; I'm sorry I was rude when you said you were going out tonight and—"

"Hob-ah, stop! I told you I forgave you and I meant it!" you tried to stop his anxious ramble, yet he refused to calm down.

"I'm sorry because even though you told me you weren't looking for a relationship, I fell for you" as soon as the words left him, he felt a lump form in his throat and he couldn't utter another sound in that moment. His lips were parted and he breathed through his mouth heavily.

"Y-you w-what?" you didn't need clarification, you were sure you had heard him.

Your heart ached and now it was you who wanted to cry. You had wanted to avoid this, but making it clear hadn't saved you from it.

This was the moment he had been dreading since he realized he was in love with you.

"I like you, I like spending my time with you and just talking for hours. I didn't feel lonely with all the guys around me with their partners because I knew you were there to keep me company and help me not focus on the negative.

I know this is not what you want to hear and that I'm an idiot for catching feelings. I'm embarrassed to even tell you, but things aren't the same anymore. We were good friends but now..." he trailed off not knowing what word conveyed what he was feeling.

I ruined it, I couldn't help it.

"I've tried relationships and with time constraints and continuously changing schedules, it just doesn't work. One day I'm here, the next I'm not. I don't have enough time for myself, how am I supposed to have time for someone else? I can't be selfish like that."

"I've seen a lot of you in the past year, actually" he pointed out matter-of-factly and you rolled your eyes.

"That was one job, it's not the rule, it's the exception. I'd never had such a stable schedule before" you said smiling at him sadly. You didn't want to get his hopes up.

You felt like he deserved to know he didn't need to apologize for listening to his heart, he was braver than you. You couldn't afford anything but to shut down, you couldn't stand the heartbreak.

"I'll talk to our superiors so this isn't a one time thing, I can put in a good word for you. Your work spoke for itself though and they were so happy with you, the rest of the guys too" he suggested a solution, but you were not looking for one.

"Hobi, no. You are coming and going all the time, you are not on tour constantly. You have your own schedules locally and even if you fly here and there, it's not enough" he looked so determined not to give up and it broke your heart.

"We both have our busy schedules, don't worry about mine" he pouted, trying to make sure you wouldn't worry about him. He would figure it out. You both could.

"Don't you understand? We'd never see each other, it would never work. We would probably end up fighting over not being able to find time for each other more than we would actually get to meet personally. All we would do is hurt one another and for what? It's not worth it" you were feeling more uneasy now that he wasn't backing away.

"Says who?" Hoseok objected and you sighed, you couldn't understand how he didn't get this when his schedule was even crazier than yours.

"You've been with our company for the last nine months, you've seen how complicated our schedules are. You know what that kind of busy is about, you understand it and I understand yours."

"Hob-ah, I..." he had brought up the one thing no one else had been capable of doing. Be understanding of you. He understood, because of his experience he could, and you didn't have an answer for him.

"I wouldn't make it difficult for you, I know you love your job and you know how I feel about mine. We'll both be away or held back because of them. That's a fact, sure, but how would you know it wouldn't work out if we don't at least try?"

"I've tried, I've tried so many times, Hob-ah. I can't do it, I don't want to be that selfish. I don't want to hurt you and hurt because of it. I don't want to use you and leave you. I never want to make promises I can't keep, that's why I tell everyone not to expect anything from me. I can't take it, I simply can't" tears streamed down your face as you desperately tried to stop him from insisting.

"Hey now" he started softly with knitted eyebrows as he leaned closer, "I'd never blame you if it didn't work out. You can ask every woman that's ever left me, it's a long list. I don't hold grudges for what didn't go well" he added jokingly trying to make you laugh*⁴. You chuckled at his silly offer, but it made you sad for him.

"Well, that if you'd want to try with me. I don't know how you'd feel about me like that, at least I know you think I'm hot" he continued to tease you with an embarrassed laugh. Just blabbering away now realizing he didn't even know how you felt about something more serious with him in particular.

You'd flirted with him quite a bit so at least he could be sure you were attracted to him physically.

Without a word, you stood up and walked up to him, not really making eye contact to hide your blushing face.

Hoseok went silent as you sat on his lap. Your arms slid around his body and wrapped him in a tight hug as you sought the comfort of his warm body.

You didn't want to fight your feelings anymore, you knew you would regret it, but the promise of something better was way too alluring. So you gave into him against your best judgement.

He instantly held onto you with one arm while his other hand gently brushed your hair with his fingers. From then on you were quiet, but it was comfortable silence.

As you relished the contact you denied yourself even though you craved it, he contemplated how the day had unfolded once again.

Your sudden yawn made him giggle and you blushed at him pointing out it was actually cute. That earned you a squeeze that made you even more embarrassed.

It didn't take long for you to fall asleep with how exhausted you were and he smiled thinking about what you had said about needing someone to sleep. He wanted to be that someone.

Hoseok sat there for a long while, thinking about how he had desperately wanted to fall asleep, but it turns out he had to stay awake for this.

Was it fate helping him at last?

He was still scared, but also happy and excited to have a chance at a relationship that sounded a little more promising.

A relationship with someone he knew was more likely to understand a part of him that most people didn't. Someone that could accept him as a whole, not partially, as himself or his persona alone.

He had managed to date a few women who had corresponded to him, a small minority, but just like the one that wasn't over their ex, none of them had lasted more than a few months. They weren't good matches.

Slowly he relaxed and started getting sleepy at last, so he held you against his torso and slid his arm underneath your thighs and carried you to bed with him.

Once he'd laid you down and tucked you in, he prepared himself for bed and quickly got in smiling to himself, ready to keep cuddling and fall asleep with you in his arms.

-

*Hobi is a westernized version of what could be romanized as "Hopie". If you've ever noticed, the guys pronounce "Hope" as "Hop". The sound can be made into a "b" or a "p", but it's not the same as it is in English.

Hobi's nicknames derive from it, when they address him, they add -ah or -ie. This turns into Hob-ah and Hobie. It is clear in the first example how the "e" sound in Hope is completely absent because after a vowel you should add -yah instead of-ah.

The whole point of this is to say, I write Hobi out of habit, but the correct way is Hobie if I go by the way they've been addressing each other in all my books.

*² You'd think morning wood is a thing experienced by teenagers only since they are developing, but the peak of sexual maturity is between late teens and 30s. I figured it was relevant to point this out not to minimize the frequency at his age in the story. If it was once every blue moon it wouldn't really say much about his drive.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/325305#frequency

*³ https://www.verywellmind.com/hypersexuality-definition-symptoms-treatment-5199535

*⁴ During an interview Hobi said he'd try to make a crying girl smile to comfort her.

Source: https://kimmy-trans.tumblr.com/post/121029282256/haru-hana-vol-25-bts-personal-question