As much as you tried to pretend everything was fine and nothing had changed since you slept together, it hadn't been the same after.

While Hoseok still talked to you and didn't bring up that night again, something felt off. He was a little colder, a little more distant and his flirty comments just stopped. Had his attitude changed because he got what he wanted?

It didn't sound like him, he said he was not one to do one night stands and he didn't want to maintain any sort of casual relationship. You shouldn't feel down about just having had sex, but the last thing you had wanted was to ruin what you two had.

You regretted giving into him, you liked him better when he was playful, warm and smiled more. Not because he couldn't be serious, but because you could tell he was enjoying himself, he was having a good time with you.

Things hadn't gone back to business-like but, while he tried to pretend nothing was different, you were reminded of how he denied he had an issue with you when he thought you were cheating on your supposed girlfriend.

Unlike then, he wasn't angry or pushed you away. He simply seemed to care less, to have lost interest in a sense. It was difficult to pinpoint what had changed really, but you could feel it.

You didn't know if you would be able to sleep with him again if he ever wanted to, you knew you had feelings for him and it wouldn't be good for you. In the long run you'd be more hurt than satisfied by the interaction.

Hoseok had respected your request not to try anything again for the duration of the tour and instead of being relieved he had, you were upset. You'd normally go on with your life without a hitch, but you cared too much and you hated all of this.

It was impossible not to wonder what he'd do afterwards, how you'd turn him down, whether that would be the end of your friendship.

It certainly couldn't become more, not with your lifestyles. Sooner or later you'd realize you didn't have time for each other, you'd feel guilty, you'd hurt each other.

If dating someone with a more mainstream job was a nightmare, you could only imagine what it would be like to date someone in the music industry.

When would you see each other to begin with? The relationship would probably end without having seen each other face to face more than a handful of times.

What sort of life partner would that be? They were just as good as not being there at all. You didn't want to go through that again, you were tired of repeating the same mistakes and feeling like the worst girlfriend ever.

You just weren't girlfriend material, as much as you cared for and loved your partners, there was not enough physical time to demostrate it and words and apologies didn't make up for the lack of your physical presence.

There seemed to be no solution, you'd thought of changing careers multiple times so you could settle down, but you came to the conclusion you'd be miserable if you gave up your passion. You were not made to be locked inside, the idea of your wings being cut made you sick to your stomach.

Finding balance had proved to be impossible. You wanted to love and be loved, to have company, someone you were comfortable with and could share everything with. A best friend that could be a lover, that would accept you as you were and not tie you down.

You were the most understanding, but no one seemed to understand you and you couldn't blame them. What they had asked of you in past relationships was nothing crazy, they hadn't been irrational demands, just the basics to form a healthy relationship.

Settling for having occasional company when you were home was the best arrangement considering your professional situation. People were there when you were there and when you weren't, no one was left behind feeling hurt and abandoned.

No one was waiting for you back at home.

It only sounded depressing if you made it depressing. It was actually a good thing, what was best for you and for everyone else. You just wished there was another way.

Hobi focused on his work and his bandmates, just like he always did when he didn't want to be too immersed in his feelings. He was hurting, but he didn't show it. Not to you, not to his friends or anyone around him.

He had once again messed up and there was no one to blame but him. You'd been clear about only doing casual, so it should have come as no surprise that that's all you had hoped out of your night together.

Having confessed his feelings before he got into bed with you would have cleared things up, but in a way he was scared of hearing what he didn't want to hear. So like the coward he was, he didn't say anything.

As if spending the night together would magically change your mind, as if things would be different because it seemed like you actually liked him as more than a friend. It had all been in his head, as usual.

Hoseok felt like he was an idiot who kept falling for the same thing time and again. He'd get close to someone, go all out to impress them, show them he enjoyed their company and liked them. But then when the time to talk about it came, it was too late and he had to swallow the bitter truth:

They had never felt for him what he thought they had.

It was just him thinking he was desirable, lovable, wanted, it wasn't real. If only he could let his heart make the decisions for once and not his anxious mind, maybe he'd open his mouth earlier.

Save himself the trouble, the hurt, the self-hatred that came with being a failure. Every time he tried, he failed. He just couldn't for the life of him not be drowned by the thoughts that he wasn't a good enough boyfriend, a good enough partner, good enough to keep around.

History kept repeating itself with different faces and different scenarios, but essentially, it was always the same. He went about it all like everything was fine, he convinced himself that it was and then suddenly reality slapped him on the face.

It had never been, he just didn't know it. He would have been lying to himself if he didn't truly believe it, but he did. He tried to be more positive, to not lose hope and that's why he kept going, but a part of his more pessimistic past-self was still lurking at the back of his mind.

It always reminded him that he had been kidding himself for believing things could be different if he kept trying and didn't give up. For believing someone out there would love him for who he was and would accept him not only with all of his good traits, but also his flaws.

Hobi hated feeling hopeless, he hated suffering, he hated how lonely he felt, how unlovable he was and how he couldn't love himself whenever he was hurting. It felt like a dissasociation of who he tried to be for everyone else, it felt like his hard work on himself was weak and feeble.

It was specially hard to be ARMY's hope when he didn't even feel hopeful for himself. His switch wasn't broken, he went out there and he performed with all his heart and soul, he did his absolute best and showed his fans he was strong and capable of going on and overcoming it all.

In those moments, however, he felt like an impostor. A part of himself wasn't in it, it was missing and he felt incomplete, he didn't feel genuine, but he refused to let darkness take over.

After the last show in Japan, about two months after he slept with you, he felt like he couldn't take it anymore. He didn't feel strong, his strength had got weaker and weaker with every day that passed, every performance in which he felt inauthentic.

So he turned down the invitation of the guys to go out for the night claiming he was tired and cried in his room all he needed. Hoping he'd feel better after getting it all out. That's what eveyone said did it, that's what worked so your heart didn't feel as heavy.

That wasn't the way he got things off his chest though, he just wanted to believe that this one time it would work, because he couldn't stand this any longer. What usually did the trick, focusing on other matters and getting his mind off his feelings, had failed him.

Hoseok couldn't take blow after blow and expect not to be more damaged after each. At some point he had to break down, he was just human and he could only take so much without wavering.

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