"So things with Seoyeon didn't work then?" Namjoon asked as they shared a few drinks at a small bar somewhere in a small neighbourhood after visiting a portrait gallery that he had wanted to go to for a while now.

"No. I guess we were not on the same page as I thought" Hobi commented, bottom lip jutting out slightly once again as he went over it in his head for the umpteenth time this week, "she wanted something more casual, it seems, and then she was done with it and wanted to move on."

Done with me. She wanted something serious with someone else. He sighed at the thought and made eye contact with his friend feeling deflated.

"Oh wow, I'm really sorry about that, Hob-ah" Joon said feeling genuinely bad, but it was not his responsibility and he was quick to let him know.

"It's fine, Namjoon-ah, it's not your fault" he repeated the words so many times they had lost meaning. He was not fine, at least not in this area of his life.

Hoseok had gone through so many women in the last few years he felt inadequate. It wasn't just Seoyeon in particular that had him feeling this way, it was the reminder of every woman before her on top of it.

His bandmates probably had a vague idea of the number, but they didn't comment on it all that much. Other than expressing their concerns, they had not really questioned his choices.

From the outside, however, it didn't look any good. He was good at separating his emotions from his work, so they couldn't read him to tell what was truly going on. Unlike what it might seem, he was not sleeping around.

Truth was it wasn't that he got bored or just wanted to have fun. He was not looking for a friend with benefits or someone to casually hook up with here and there. It was just him and his rotten luck in love, which had him jumping from one woman to another in a neverending quest.

Some he hadn't really clicked with, but an overwhelming number had either been there for the wrong reasons, had wanted something different from him or had decided he wasn't worth it for one reason or another.

Fame and money didn't make it any easier to meet someone that cared for him as a person. That much his members could agree with, but in the long run most of them had found someone they held close to their hearts dearly. Would his time ever come? He wasn't so sure after years of this.

Hoseok wasn't particularly supersticious, but with so many disheartening flops, it was hard not to feel like he was cursed. Things never seemed to work out for him. Why was it too much to ask for to meet someone who would correspond to him?

Deep down he knew he was more cerebral than that and stubborn enough not to want to admit that the real reason was he was scared of commitment. Not in the sense you'd think, he did want a relationship, but past experience prevented him from feeling like he was enough.

Subconsciously, since the day he was dumped for someone else*, he was scarred. Hoseok really liked his then girlfriend and he thought she did too, that they were just fine. Then one day she came and told him she'd fallen for someone else and he was crushed.

The idea that someone they were close to could find better than him haunted him to this day, hence the feeling of impending doom. The uncertainty of this added to his fear of opening himself up to rejection.

If expressing his feelings was hard for him before, with each heartbreak he seemed to retreat more and more into himself. Baring his feelings was necessary to build a relationship, he was aware, but it was terrifying.

Erring on the side of caution, he kept to himself for probably longer than he should before he confessed. He wasn't sure if it was because he seemed to be an emotionless rock, but he had this chill vibe that seemed to be misinterpreted as disinterest and attracted the wrong company.

He wasn't all that great, but he deserved love too, didn't he?

Even if he was more than grateful for all the love he received from his family, his friends and their ARMY, he longed to be special to someone*², to have a deep connection to treasure and cherish. He yearned for the security of coming home to someone at the end of a long and rough day.

Hoseok couldn't help but question his self-worth when he seemed to be with a different woman every few months. His unaffected demeanor almost made it seem like he didn't care, like he was detached from them.

If anything, he was truly starting to feel like the player he would be deemed as if anyone had secretly been keeping track of him. Hobi shuddered at the thought, it was a possibility with the media being on their backs more than ever before with everything that was going on.

The idea of his private life being rummaged and twisted into an unrecognizable outline of what it actually is made his skin crawl. Reason why he made sure he did everything in his power to keep his personal matters his as they should be. There was never a full guarantee, but he did his part meticulously.

"Maybe you should lay off from dating for a while, you know, with our enlistment coming up and all" Namjoon suggested, his voice a little hesitant. Partly as if he doubted the correct term was 'dating' and partly being unsure about what he was proposing to his friend.

"Yeah, maybe I should" Hobi answered in a monotone mumble. In fact, he had already been thinking about it. Now was not the time to be focusing on that, there were greater matters to tend to than his sentimental woes.

"I would hate for you to start seeing someone to then have to go away" Namjoon made a fair point with his words of sympathy, but Hoseok didn't hear that as comforting words directed at him. He wasn't thinking about himself.

"You are right, that wouldn't be fair to them" it's not like he believed he'd find the right person in the few months they had left, but he agreed with him that doing that to someone would be terrible indeed.

"The guys are still thinking about doing a small gathering to see us off, there's a small venue someone of the staff suggested. A relative of theirs owns it and it would all be private, we wouldn't have to go through anyone to rent one" Joon changed topics in an effort to focus on the positive.

That's one thing Hoseok was still honing even after all these years, remaining positive. Being a beacon of hope for those in need. He certainly was a lot more positive nowadays than he used to be back when they debuted, his members had even pointed it out*³.

Then again they worried about him sometimes, because he could seem cold and aloof behind his bright persona*⁴. J-Hope was a part of him for sure, more what he wanted to be for others, than what he was for himself.

Do as I say, not as I do, he was a perfect example of that saying. But apart from his love life, he was actually happy, he was having the time of his life with his brothers in this journey they had started back in 2010 when they came together as trainees.

"That should be fun, getting together, having some drinks...will there be music?" Hobi was certainly looking forward to letting go of his worries for a single night, before going into this next stage of his life. Enjoying himself with his loved ones for the last time in a while.

Everything seemed bleaker lately, but probably because he was overwhelmed. The clock was ticking as they prepared everything for the departure of the rap line to the military. He wasn't looking forward to that, having to put his passion to a side, but he knew it was his duty.

They were filming lots of content in advance, reassuring the youngest three that they could handle everything on their own, showing them the ways to go about any bumps they might find in the road. Just making sure to leave everything in order until Jin's return, at least.

-

*

*² Minute 40:20

*³ Minute 21:45. There's another comment I can't find on a different occassion that I believe used the words negative vs. positive.

*⁴ https://www.gq.com.au/entertainment/music/bts-j-hope-interview/image-gallery/665d6716dd168a39e1c47818075ed8ea