Chapter One:
Nervous Jitters

*Warnings, mentions of suicide, self-harm.

I find myself throwing up again in the dark compact bathroom
once again, my most recent meal of soup noodles burning the back of my throat as it makes a reappearance. A small chandelier with lights resembling a candle's warmth is hung above me slightly swaying due to the movement of the high-speed train I'm currently suffocating in. There is not one single sharp edge in this entire room. The walls are rounded giving the feeling that I'm in a metal hamster ball. The toilet matches the walls and ceiling and every single thing. My head swirls as I drag the door open and I'm met face-to-face with the white plate of the peacekeeper's chest.

He looks down at me, as he scolds me, sounding like he is ready to shoot me right then and there."Come on kid, haven't you spent enough time in there?" His cold latex hands grip my arm forcing me to follow him. It strains my arms as I feel every nerve scream. I don't blame him for being so irritated; his literal job is to make sure I don't slit my wrists.

The electronic beeping of the door slides open, and I get a whiff of the sugary scent lingering in the air. The escort, Saffreen Sparkles was raving about a few hours earlier. The Peacekeeper throws me forward making me trip over my own feet. A high-pitched grasp leaves the escort's mouth as she stands up slamming her long bony hands on the dark mahogany dining table, shaking the arrangements of very intriguing-looking food which makes my stomach growl once more.

"Belial!" Her fiery red eyes glare at the man who is standing behind me as she lifts one of her very long fingers at me, "You do know that this boy is under the custody of the Capitol! You will not harm him!" She screeches wailing her hands in the air. I feel my body shuddering at the mention of the Capitol. I take my place at the table sitting next to my District partner; Annie. Her copper hair falls down her back in waves. She has completely disregarded the blue cupcake in front of her as she has buried her head into her thin arms resting on the table. She hasn't said anything this whole time, only a few thank you's towards the peacekeepers, the escort, and our mentors who are sitting at the table across from us.

Finnick Odair and Caspian Ectorius.

Finnick is leaning back on the dark red velvet chair his arms crossed over his chest a smirk on his face his sea-green eyes are full of amusement as Saffreen scolds the Peacekeeper who is dead silent. Caspian has his elbows on the table, his finger tangled in his dark greasy hair. Dark shallow eyes that look like a black hole against his deathly pale skin. After winning his games he came back from the capitol with pale skin nothing like the tanned skin which he left District Four with.

His eyes are glued to the glass tea cup, a green substance left in there to go cold. Finnick snorts, bringing my attention to him, nineteen-year-old Finnick Odair. Bronze hair that looks like it hasn't been brushed since he got out of bed but somehow he pulls it off. His skin is the perfect shade of a golden tan, compared to most of us in District Four where you are either too pale that you burn till you're red or you are too tanned that you're almost brown, No wonder everyone loves him. The girls in my class adore him, even being on the side that gets killed for entertainment.

I stand out compared to the rest of District Four with my brown skin and dark eyes, easy to pick out in the crowd, in that glass bowl. I look nothing like my Ma. She has pale skin, green eyes and blonde hair. My Mother who gave birth to me died with hundreds of other Women who didn't make it through childbirth. They were close, my Mother and Ma growing up under the same roof.

Ma would tell me stories of her and Mother when I couldn't sleep, me resting my head on her lap as she ran the tips of her fingernails across my scalp. Retelling the memories that made her laugh, make the sides of her lips curve upwards. I never ask about the bad ones, no matter how curious I am. I never want to see her cry. Never again.

My stomach churns, she is at home right now, alone. She will never see me again, she is going to watch me die, I will never get to see her again, hear her voice, I will never be able to hug her ever again. I have to fight back the urge to cry, not that I care, I just don't want another headache.

Saffreen plumps herself down fixing her necklace which resembles a fishing net. With a huff, she smiles at us but that disappears as she notices the state of Caspian and Annie. Her long nails tap aggressively against the table, she straightens her back putting her chin high in the air.

"Ohhh-kay" She drags out the word and my eyes glare at her. She has done nothing but be insufferable the whole time, her teeth are too white, and I feel the urge to rip them out with the fork sitting just inches away from my fingertips. She coughs, gaining the rest of the tables' attention. Her smile widens and she clasps her hands together resting them on the table.

"It seems like we've gotten off to a very miserable start to this trip."

She grits her teeth like we owe her good manners and a smile plastered onto our faces while we are forced to our deaths. The nausea feeling is back, I hold my arm to my stomach in hopes of keeping it down. My body is reacting in the worst possible way to the food that I have been eating on the train, maybe it's the movement of the train, speeding along the electric track.

I don't know why- No, I do know why I'm feeling this nauseous. I have been sacrificed for entertainment. The woman sitting at the head of the table, with her skeleton hands, picked my slip of paper, read it out for all of District Four to hear, and then dared to ask for volunteers. She smiled almost wickedly as my legs struggled to walk up the justice building stairs, her hands on my bony shoulders, bone to bone. And she called out my name proudly.

My stomach does one more flip before a burning sensation flames up the back of my throat. My hand pushes up hard against my mouth. Whatever food was left in my stomach was now sitting in my mouth trying to push its way out. Chunks of food continue to fill up my mouth. My eyes burn with tears and I press my other hand on top of the other to add more pressure. I can't process anything, my ears hear the shrieks of Saffreen, which almost cause my ears to bleed. Looking up through my blurred vision I can see Annie's wide green eyes staring back at me.

After a moment I feel a firm hand rest on my shoulder and I instinctively stand up. They have their hands pressed against the back of my shoulders leading me through the dining carriage and onto the next one. A cold gush of air hit my face as the automatic sliding door opened and we stepped onto the next carriage, the floor's surface was almost rubber-like, harder and cooler compared to the red carpet in the dining carriage.

I find myself over the toilet once again. This time I'm not throwing up my meals, I've already done that, it's something worse. A bitter liquid fills my throat and mouth and I regurgitate it, burning the back of my throat till it's raw. I stay there for a moment catching my breath, I'm dead already.

I feel a firm tap on the shoulder, looking over my shoulder I see Caspian, his brown eyes full of sorrow, sympathy and guilt. I wish he didn't look at me like that, and in a second I'm being led outside, and cold fresh air overfills my lungs. It's not the synthetic air in the train, it's nice, it's right.

"Watch your step." Caspain's groggy voice warns me as he rests his hands on my shoulders as we step off the train.

Are we even allowed to do this?

I look back at the two peacekeepers who stay with their backs to the metal train, guns in their arms, ready. I can't even think about running as the huge green hills tower over us on either side of the tracks. Nature's very own wall. It's cold but refreshing. I take a moment to allow myself, just this once to try and find some peace.

I turn to Caspian, his oily hair is pushed back in the winds. "I'm... really sorry for causing-" But he shushes me, his grip firm on my shoulders as he slightly hunches down to look me straight in the eyes.

"No apologising, it's okay." He says in a hushed voice, I have to hold back scrunching my face back his breath which is like a heavy wood-like smell hits my face. But I think he notices as the corner of my eyes crinkles and he stands back up straight again.

He lets out a heavy sigh. He's going to console me, do I even want consoling? Does he want to console me? He's done this too many times.

My eyes burn, I need to cry but not in front of them. I'd rather they shoot me, they should shoot me. I look back at the green hills, my muscles twitch yearning to feel the pain of running, knees crashing down onto the soil bruising my skin, the burn of skinning my shins.

Caspian's grip on my shoulder tightens even more as if he knows exactly what I'm thinking. I take a good look at him now. He is only a few years older than Finnick, but the way his face sags. Dark shallow eyes, deprived of years of sleep, the whites of his eyes red as he quickly blinks. He looks at least ten years older than he actually is.

I watch him, steadying my breathing as he reaches into the pockets of his suit jacket, a dark emerald contrasting against the baby blue button-up Finnick was wearing. He pulls out a small bottle of some clear substance, unscrewing the cap.

"Your first advice is to avoid your opponents throwing sand into your eyes." He laughs at himself, proud of a joke he just made. I can only lick my dried lips and look down at my shoes avoiding looking at Caspian pulling the skin around his eyes as he uses his eye drops.

We get back on the train and immediately as we enter the dining carriage the train speeds off, in a matter of seconds we are miles from the lush green hills.

Annie and Finnick were still sitting in their seats at the table, the redhead just looked at me with her tired eyes, they were red and puffy contrasting against her pale white skin. Finnick gave me a small smile before taking a sip of his water. I sit down awkwardly, smoothing my hands against the velvet of the chair.

Finnick clears his throat, still holding onto his glass. "If the two of you need to talk, and I don't mean talk strategy, just talk. You can always talk to me okay?" Finnick's thick eyebrows furrow slightly, the sides of his lips curve downwards and I see the concern in his green eyes.

I give him a small nod, looking down at my hands resting in my lap.

˗ˏˋ 𓅰 ˎˊ˗

Night slowly comes around, and the Train carriage's lights,
illuminate with a warm tone, making it easier on the eyes. Our Escort had ushered Caspian, Finnick, Annie and I into another carriage which contained a Lounging area in front of an electronic, Hologram fireplace and a small bar at the other end which Caspian and Finnick were attached to.

Annie sat on the dark blue velvet couch which was made in the shape of an 'L' Her legs tucked up to her chest as she held them in her arms, playing with the hemming of the bottom of her long blue pants, sinking into the corner. Saffreen was proudly sitting up straight at the end of the couch, hands clasped and rested in her lap, one knee over the other. I sat, leaning back on the couch, She scolded me for my posture but did it really matter if I destroyed my spine now.

The holographic screen, which was crystal clear compared to the ones we had back home which flickered and glitched every few seconds, showed the capitol emblem sitting above the electric fireplace which generated heat, warming up my legs.

Both Annie and I were told to change out of our reaping outfits (due to Saffreen being annoyed with the smell of salt on us) and choose from the limited selection in the mahogany wardrobes. Which were located in our private rooms on the train. The clothes were the most gorgeous things I had seen, created with high-quality, expensive material, that was soft to the touch and they were considered casual clothes.

I chose a long-sleeved blue shirt that wasn't too thick like the woollen Sweaters Ma had made, it was smooth on my skin. The pants which unlike the shirts I didn't have much of a choice with due to the pants all adorned the most hideous patterns, the ones I wore were soft black trousers with small blue dolphins at the hemming of the bottom which I personally believe was overdoing it.

It was comfortable, the ridiculous clothing was a tomorrow me evening problem.

I looked down at the glass coffee table which had a golden vase of white roses sitting on top of it. Early I picked up a rose and smelled it, and I had to hold in my gag as this horrific smell hit the back of my throat, I can still smell it now. Maybe it's to cover the smell of the salt we in District 4 are born with.

The Capitol Symbol flickers off and loud trumpets are played from the television. The program lasted for around an hour going through each and every district starting off with twelve down to one. Caesar Flickerman and Claudius Templesmith commented on small attributes, like how sombre District Twelve was and How tired the boy from District Eleven looked.

I tried to memorise each of their faces, and their ages more specifically, there were six who were either the same age or younger than me but there were seventeen older than me. The odds were not in my Favour.

I felt anxious as they went down the districts to see my competition. District Eight looked intimidating this year, at least one of their tributes did the girl staring right into the camera with pure rage.

The girl from District Six had a bad ankle and couldn't get up the justice building stairs so a peacekeeper had to lift her from her arms like a baby. Caesar Flickerman commented on it being 'truly unlucky.' While exaggeratingly frowning, the botox injected into his face created an uncomfortable-looking expression on the man.

District Five was a set of Siblings that made Saffreen lose her mind. She started to tear up mumbling words of pity, turning around to our Mentors who were still standing at the back of the room, her mouth hanging open saying, "Can you believe it, how devastating.?! siblings?!"

She should've been reaped.

The Older boy, Wade Volunteered before the boy tribute was announced, he ran up to his sister holding her in an embrace and she burst into tears, the camera seemed to zoom onto her face trying to catch a glimpse of her tears slipping down her face.

I tugged uncomfortably at the end of my sleeve as I watched as our Reaping Ceremony was replayed, I could smell the saltiness of the sea as you could see the sparkling blue ocean in the background behind the cluster of hundreds of children. Annie looked away swallowing as they called her name, as she was walking up to the stage she seemed to look back at the crowd of girls and continue on walking.

When Saffreen called my name I never realised how all the colour drained from my face, you could see how my eyes watered, my legs trembling with each step. I am terrified. I felt embarrassed when the whole of Panem saw me walk up to the Justice building with legs made of Jelly, the other tributes would see me as easy prey. Easy to hunt, and kill.

Slowly standing up I announced that I was going to bed, my head started to hurt as I crashed down onto the blue velvet blanket on top of the soft mattress. I didn't have the energy to change into pyjamas or even climb under the covers. I just wanted to fall asleep in Ma's warm embrace.

AUTHORS NOTE:

I just watched tbosas today so I was really motivated to finally finish this chapter which has been haunting since forever. I'm not one hundred percent happy with it but I really wanted to publish it so I could finally work on more chapters. I'll eventually come back to this chapter and polish it off at some point.

But I did have fun writing this chapter and relearning how to write in first person which I am not confident with. I am now very emotional attached to Ridley and don't want to kill him and especially in the way he dies (if you've read the book you know what happens to Annie's district partner) BUT that is many many chapters from now so I still have time with Ridley.

ALSO I am a Sejanus girl, I love him so much. so I had to implement some sort of him into the story that's why Ridley calls his adoptive mother ma 💔

— Anne