Music: Call of Silence

Tears run down my cheeks. I don't try to hold them back. I accumulated too much sorrow for the dam of insensitivity I built in my heart to resist this overflowing inundation. I thought I could become strong enough to overcome all my pain and my fears, strong enough for my determination of iron to be more than just a fake front hiding my doubts, my lack of self-confidence... But, the more I was keeping my feelings inside of me, the weaker the dam was. As if this bloody night was the drop that made my emotional capacity overflow.

Despite the stoicism I tried to show when I was with my comrades, I was already near the limit of what I could handle. I wonder who saw through my psychological barricade. Who knows my heart enough to have seen my deep despair? Probably not everyone. Maybe nobody.

It's too much. Too much blood poured. Too many deaths. Too much pain. Too much violence. Too much war.

I look at my febrile hands. Even in the night darkness, they look red, because of the most indelible ink: the guilt.

Seven scattered, cold, motionless and bloody corpses. This is all that remains from seven human lives. Seven lives, with their own emotions, dreams and thoughts. Reduced to nothing. Because of me. I killed those men. And they were not the only ones... All these ships I destroyed... whose crew was eliminated... This kind of massacre might me easier behind Titan eyes. And all of that for what? For a just cause?... Those men were not criminals, nor murderers. They had their lives, their families, their feelings. War was their duty, not their fight. And I thought that freedom could not be more expensive... Is this really worth killing each other? I don't know anymore.

My hands are shaking. Not only because of the cold. In fact, I am terrified. I am afraid of myself, of what I just did, of my own cruelty... Did I really do that? Crap... I'm not fighting mindless Titans anymore. My enemies are as human as me... And I don't want that. Perhaps, by dint of fighting against my values, I'll eventually lose them... Perhaps I'm not as different from a monster as I thought... Killing other people... Innocent people... Have I changed that much?

I already know the answer. Yes. I have changed. A lot. The young Eren has almost disappeared. The young Eren would probably not have wondered this. Nevertheless, some things didn't change. Inside of me, my greatest weakness remains: my doubts. Whereas my past was a struggling and illusory quest for strength, today I feel like even my determination is missing.

I feel so lonely... I don't even what to do anymore.

I desperately need some help. Any help. A shoulder to cry on, a support. But here, I'm all alone... At this moment, something catches my attention. At the summit of a tree, far away, an indistinct shape is undulating. I frown, intrigued. I have a strange feeling about it, as if there was something familiar in this shadow, even though I can't identify it.

Perched at the top of the tree, the shape still moves, flitting with the wind, shaking as if it's calling me...

A moonbeam breaks through the clouds, and lights up what was intriguing me. And then I see that this shape, shaking among the trees, is... Red.

At this moment, I understand what I'm looking at.

This long shape...

This red color...

This worn fabric...

I would have recognized this scarf among thousand others.

I head to its direction. How is that possible? I feel like I'm hallucinating... This scarf, simply floating in front of me... It looks like a silent sign, a message intended for me, just me... Like it didn't come here accidentally, like it came on its own, knowing that it was the moment when I needed it more than ever, and that it had to come back.

I come closer to the tree it's hanging on. I walk slowly, by little steps, silently, like I could scare it and make it fly away. But it doesn't seem to have any intention to leave its perch.

I climb up the tree easily, and reach the summit. The scarf, the true one, is here, like it had been deposit here especially for me, so that I could find it.

I don't dare to touch it. Since that day, ten years ago, it became like sacred. I feel that if I touched it, it would somehow break something, as if it would mean that it's still mine, while I'm happy it's not.

Finding it here, abandoned, lost, seems almost unreal. I've been used to see it around her neck, and seeing it here is making truly sad, because I know that if it's here, it's not where it should be... Just before being separated, I told her that it was not such a big deal. I hid from her the actual reason why I had a blade with me as well. I felt that I had to comfort her, to reassure her, to give her the confidence she needed. And as it often happens between us in the hardest moments... It led to this moment, beautiful yet terrible, that warmed my heart while piercing it cruelly at the same time. This is what I was fearing... From now on, I will have to face the truth, and we will have to accept it...

I'm still hesitating to take the scarf. One gesture would be enough to grab it, yet there is that question keeps repeating in my mind: Wouldn't it be better if it stayed here? Now that it went away, couldn't it be simply never come back? So that Mikasa could finally live without that sort of trammel?

I kept this for me, but... It hurt me to hear that it had disappeared. I love this scarf. When I see it around Mikasa's neck, I am a little happier. I tell myself that I'm not completely useless. It's somehow the symbol of the best thing I have ever done in my life. Something I will never regret, and I would do again with no hesitation. Once, twice, even one hundred times. As many times as I would need to. But, it's a little frightening as well. I always have the feeling that I will never manage to fulfill Mikasa's hopes. Today, I still don't know what to do. I'm still alone and lost, stuck in my fear of failing what I have to do.

And I'm cold.

So cold.

Awfully cold.

This cold is penetrating my flesh, freezing all my muscles and burning my lungs.

Then, I know what I must do. I take the scarf, and carefully wrap it around my neck.

It's worn, yet as soft as a caress.

It's dusty, yet it's giving off a certain soothing fragrance.

I must have stayed hours in the cold, and yet it gives me such a reassuring warmth...

And this is warming me up, slowly, softly, magically. And, at the same time, it warms up my heart. I just found back something I missed, when I needed it the most.

The simple contact of the fabric on my shoulders, my neck, my nape is enough to remind me her presence...

And then I realize. I realize how wrong I was. I have let the doubt ravage me, but I have the chance to have something in this world able to erase it. I have let the loneliness weaken me, but the truth is that I have never really been alone. I let the cold beat me, but there will always be some warmth for me, somewhere.

And I owe all of that to only one person.

A tear rolls down my cheek.

I'm sorry... For having forgotten, for a moment, the strength you give me...

I climb down the tree and hit the ground. I feel stronger than ever with this new energy. I wipe off the last tears pearling in my eyes. I fasten the shoulder strap of the cartridge belt. I reload the rifle, ready to shoot. I slide the knife in my belt, ready to be unsheathed. I pull up the scarf on my nose, and take a deep breath. Facing the wind, facing the unknown, I set out.

The fate of millions of people depend on my survival. If I die, they might be doomed. Mikasa is alone, imprisoned and guarded by men that could easily kill me. Instead of which I could go back to the Walls, thus preserving the life of a whole people. It's certainly the smartest thing to do. I have taken my decision.

I'm coming, Mikasa. I'll save you. And then, I'll save myself too. Because without you, I'm nothing.