10th october, wednesday, 2018

dear diary,

A lot of my friends have gradually moved away from me. It doesn't make me sad anymore; in fact, it's quite a relief. I don't have to keep up with anyone. Moving away from people has given me a lot of time to explore myself. No, it's not that I didn't enjoy anyone's company. I did. I liked parties. I still do. But some people just grow apart, you know? And it's exhausting to chase people to try and make relationships work.

I don't mind people coming up to me for a chat, but I have stopped going to them each time I see them in the corridors of the school to ask how they are and what they have been doing. I don't make small talk anymore. I just smile at them and walk on by, hoping it will suffice, hoping it is enough to keep the friendship going. I don't want them to know that I'm deliberately avoiding them these days, because they will think I have a problem with them, instead of realizing that I am staying away from people in general. People can take things very personally sometimes.

I don't even feel like chatting with people on social media anymore, unless we're having a substantial conversation about a topic that interests me, and I don't mind leaving them  — or being left on  — "seen". It's okay, I tell myself. Sometimes people just don't wanna talk.

That is why I picked up this diary today: it's better to talk to myself every day rather than telling things to others that they will soon forget. I love these yellow pages so much. It's almost like they're inviting me to write. I hope I'll be able to write every day.

❄