it was only a matter of time

oh but first have a picture of this tortoise i saw on the road today!!!!!

speedy lil lad they went so FAST

okay anywho now to the quotes

•••

mckinley: you were supposed to make sure he didn't do something stupid!

church: who, kevin? he'll be fine. isn't he like the super mormon or smth?

mckinley: that's just what people call him, it doesn't mean he knows what he's doing!

•••

mckinley: what's your greatest weakness?

kevin: i'm uncooperative.

mckinley: can you give me an example?

kevin: no

•••

the police ig: we found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you.

kevin: oh, where?

the police ig: he was drinking coffee and crying in his car.

kevin, impressed: wow he really went for it huh

•••

arnold: *walks in holding a watermelon*

nabulungi: what're you—

arnold: you said kevin was upset, so i brought him a watermelon.

nabulungi: why?????

arnold: he loves watermelon :)

kevin, bawling: *hugs the watermelon tightly*

•••

nabulungi: how'd you get kicked out of a movie theater?????

mckinley: kevin kept yelling diving scores at the people jumping off the titanic

kevin: and that last guy had a solid nine lemme tell ya—

•••

arnold, after smhd: price.

kevin: cunningham.

mckinley: mckinley.

kevin: you-

kevin: you just said your own name??

mckinley: it was the only one left :')

•••

mckinley and nabulungi, lawful friend goals: *spinning calmly in the disney teacup ride while chatting*

kevin and arnold, chaotic friend goals: *flies past them at mach 1, shrieking and spiraling aggressively*

•••

poptarts: i hate you with every inch of my being >:/

kevin: that's not many inches

•••

mckinley, texting at three am: hey

mckinley; hey hey kev

mckinley: KEV

kevin, replying: what??

mckinley: woah woah woah hon why're you awake holy fuck it's too late for you to be up go get some sleep holy shit

•••

kevin: my love for you is like a truck

mckinley: explain?

kevin: no

•••

kevin, in act one: that's your problem, elder. you just go along with everything i say.

arnold: that's not true!

kevin: yes it is.

arnold: yeah you're probably right

•••

nabulungi: what, i can't be in a bad mood? it's like people think "wow! naba's such a sunshiney girl! so nice, so happy-go-lucky! naba can't be in a bad mood!"

nabulungi: well guess what? naba CAN be in a bad mood! and right now, naba IS in a bad mood!!!

•••

a kid in kitguli: i can't swim.

kevin: how old are you?

same kid: nine?

kevin: *yeets said kid into the water*

•••

kevin, after smhd: i'm back!

mckinley and arnold, simultaneously: yay! i'm over it

•••

mckinley, before turn it off: ask me anything about this district!

kevin: okay, how many baptisms do you have?

mckinley:

mckinley, sweating profusely: ask me something else

•••

act one kevin: um... i came all the way from utah and i didn't realize there'd be so much satan worshipping... i kinda feel a bit weird about it but i'm too scared to say anything—

act two kevin: that's good! you should be scared because sATAN IS A REAL MAN

•••

kevin: mentally ill? nah, i'm mentally SICK

kevin: my brain does cool kick flips while wearing shades and i cry a lot

•••

mckinley: d'ya think we're adorable?

kevin: no, we're adult men. we're cute

•••

mckinley: so like...... i may have accidentally poisoned someone's drink, but i forget which one—

arnold, panicked: you diD WHAT???

kevin, under his breath: with the way my mission's going? i hope it's mine

•••

mckinley: looks matter, price. you should know that, being the prettiest one here.

kevin: well you're right about that

•••

kevin: i just checked my stats and it turns out that the number of meaningful relationships i've made is less than the number of public restrooms i've Screamed in

•••

poptarts: hey can i ride my skateboard outside

mckinley: whatever. i'm not your mom

poptarts: *runs off*

mckinley: heY NOT IN THE  S T R E E T

•••

poptarts: haha can't tie your shoes?

kevin: i cant tie my shoes but i can fuck your bitch >:/

•••

kevin: capitalism SUCKS! it's just a system designed to keep us poor! you shouldn't have to work three jobs to afford basic necessities!

mckinley: why do you do this rant every time you lose at monopoly

•••

kevin: why do people use their sign as an excuse for stuff???

kevin: i don't CARE if you're a scorpio chris, you're still being a little bitch!

•••

mckinley, holding a near unconscious kevin: kevin! are you okay??

kevin: you have...... beautiful eyes

mckinley: *drops him* he's gone insane

•••

arnold: NABA I GOT A MINI CACTUS AND NAMED IT AFTER YOU

nabulungi: what??

arnold, softly: please love me?????

•••

poptarts: are you like, together now??

kevin: yep, we are!

mckinley: mhm!

poptarts: why?

kevin: well, i happen to find connor very appealing.

poptarts: oh no i understand that! i'm just trying to figure out what's wrong in connor's head

•••

poptarts: is that a mosquito bite??

kevin: no, it's a hickey

a mosquito: *flies by*

poptarts: hi kevin's sexual partner

•••

mckinley: nice heart shaped glasses!

kevin: thanks! i'm wearinng em cause im in love.

mckinley: ...oh. with uh, who?

kevin: myself :)