You're probably going to hate me for at least a week after this

------------------------

When you're crying its of two types
You either want to curl up in a ball and cry until your head hurts, your nose is blocked and until you start to feel you're being eaten up
Or
You want to shout and kick your legs and punch a wall or a person or cut something and just be violent.

Right now what I'm feeling is a lot more. I want to scream and tell the world what a coward I am, how I let such a small thing stand in the way of me and Allah.
Stand in the way of everything.

When I entered this room to clean it up, I was going to be out of here in ten minutes but now it's just as dark outside as I'm feeling on the inside.
The moonlight is shining on my shaking hands, I've always hated moonlight.
Nobody is home yet and I'm alone, with my thoughts which make me want to drown in a bucket of water.

Every speck of dust in the air hums with me, some hum with despair and others with joy.
I smile dolefully as another tear streaks down my cheek, joining the dry river of those which are already tired of mourning.

The door creaks open and a bit of light shines in which doesn't help my headache and makes me groan.

Mason walks slowly, like he's afraid of me. I wouldn't blame him. I'm scared of myself too because somewhere deep inside of me, I am aware that I'm capable of much worse than what I put myself through.

"Amelia, w- what-" he doesn't get to complete his sentence as he takes the book out of his hand and sits on his bed with a 'thump', putting the book on his bedside table.

"It's Amna" I whisper.

"Yes, yes it is" he smiles and sits down on the floor. I sit down too, opposite of him.

"Why is this in your room?" I ask

"I-I didn't want you to find out this way. I really didn't but-" he takes in a sharp breathe "5 years ago you told me that the Quran was what made you happy, what made you feel relaxed and I just-" he's clearly at a loss of words and my heart swells with happiness.

"Thank you Mason" I whisper again. I don't trust my voice tonight.
He gapes at me, clearly not expecting this reaction.

"Do you want to know?" I ask.
I really want to tell him.
This is the guy who was reading the Quran because he thought that if he could learn something from it he could try to lure me towards Allah again and he thought that coming back to where I felt comfortable would bring me back, so I think I'm ready to tell him what happened. I'm not scared of anything anymore.
I feel like I can finally escape the prison of my brain.

"If you want to tell me you can but if you don't want to then I won't bother you" he says, his voice thick with purity.

I take a deep breathe.
"It's okay, it's okay, it's okay" I whisper quietly to myself.
My hands shake uncontrollably and tears recklessly flow down my burning eyes, causing another blow to my aching head.

Mason shifts, he moves closer.
"Sshhh" he whispers "Its okay, baby. You can do this. I'm here"
I cry harder and he lets me.
Dear God, it's been so so long since I've cried!

"I- I" I clear my throat "came to Canada some months after I came back from America. Our whole family moved here and I started studying here, I loved it and it was amazing but my family wasn't very happy here so they had to leave but I wanted to stay here so after a lot of talking and arguing they decided that I could stay here." I pause for a moment as all that happened flashes in my mind like a horror movie
"They helped me find a house near campus because all the dorms were full by then. Luckily I found this house and it was a win win since there were two girls already living in here. Everything was fine until-" I pause again.
Shutting my eyes tightly

Its okay, baby. You can do this
His voice replays itself in my mind
I can do this. I'm strong enough.

"You don't have to go on if you don't want to" he assures me but I shake my head no

"I want to go on, I just need some water" I say and open my eyes, wincing as even the moonlight is too bright for me.
He gets up but I stop him

"No! Please don't go. Stay with me." I plead.
I don't want him to go, for the love of God. Even if he leaves for a second, I'll lose myself. I'll be a wailing mess when he comes back and I don't want that.
I want to let this off of me

"Okay, okay. I'm right here" he comforts me again
I sigh again.

"I got engaged to this guy I had a crush on since a long time. My family knew his' and it was all good. I was happy and so was he" Mason sits up straight, his expression as hard as a stone.
"But he didn't always treat me right-"

"And you let him?" Mason cuts me and I glare at him because I want him to let me continue
"Sorry" he adds

"He was a nightmare, Mason. He talked to me so rudely. Once, he went as far as trying to slap me but I stopped him. But other days, my God, other days he was the best man I ever knew. Other days he made me realize there was a reason to love him but those days didn't come as often as the bad ones. I mean I'm not the Amna who endures that behavior. I shouldn't have to. No girl should" I shake my head at myself before continuing

"One day-" I start but choke on a sob instead
"I'm sorry, I just need a minute" I say to him and he just nods.

I don't care if I sound needy or lovesick or cheesy or anything. He's here with me tonight and I want to let him know how much this means to me.
"I'm glad you're here with me tonight" I smile lightly

"I'm glad I'm here too" he answers

"Okay so, I went to his apartment one day with Kim to get some notes and I- I saw him with a girl, I'm not normally the suspecting type but they weren't just sitting. They were kissing each other" I finish and his jaw drops

"W-wasn't he like Muslim?"

"Yes he was" I nod. This time I don't cry.
This is not my fault.

"What was his name?" He asks

"Jamaal" I say with disgust.

"Continue" he motions with his hand

"I opened the door and the girl just ran away before I could see her but I could care less. I wasn't even angry, I was hurt. Jamaal was probably saying something, Kim was probably replying and I ran out of there. I ran, I ran and I ran for I don't know how long. I swear, it felt like every reason I ever needed to give up was there. Right in front of me, mocking me, telling me to give in and I almost did. God damn it!"
He doesn't say a word, letting me continue

"I still went to college the next day, if that's what you're wondering. I didn't let that break me but guess what I saw? I saw him sucking on her miserable lips once again. And the girl he was kissing was none other than one of the first friends I had made there and I called her my best friend. God, how wrong was I?" I snort

"Why wasn't I enough?" I whisper and he opens his mouth to say something but I cut him.
I lean forward "is there something fundamentally wrong with me that everyone keeps leaving me?" I ask like a deranged person.

He still stays quiet.
"They all leave a mark. Right here" I place a hand on my heart "just like you are going to when you leave" I whisper more to myself than him

"At least I'll always be in your heart." He smiles
"And I promise I'll leave a mark broccoli, a good one. But I won't break it, not even a single crack" he whispers, his words sound like a promise over something we haven't said out loud.

"I'm scared" I confess

"Of what?" He knits his brows

"Of confronting it, of saying it out loud but I also want to get this off of my chest" I gulp

His hand closes around mind. A million butterflies go super hyper in my stomach.

"Talk" he gently asks, squeezing my hand.

Bloody hell! The guy knows, he knows what effect he has on me. And no, it is not an effect that makes me want to set myself on fire. His effect keeps me grounded, because I'm crazy enough on my own. For a few moments, my fears vanished, my doubts vanished, every single one of my demons vanished.
Remember how I said that I can't expect him to calm the tides of my ocean?
Well he is doing that, without me asking.

"Anyway, another horrendous day. I stayed behind after a class, completing some work and minding my own business. I didn't realize he was there too" my lips quiver before I even get to the worst part.
But no, I will not break down right now. Not when I'm so close to telling him everything. Not when I have him here with me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cliffhanger!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay I swear I really wanted to explain everything in this chapter but I also wanted to do a cliffhanger so I thought what the heck! But! I still provided you with enough information to predict what's gonna happen next. I promise there will be no cliffhangers in the next chapter! Don't forget to vote and comment.