I took a deep breath. "I'm going to tell them." I had no idea what this could mean for me, anything could happen.

My therapist looked up from her clipboard and smiled. Her teeth looked extremely white against her cherry red lipstick.

"Are you sure that's such a good idea?" Her New York accent was much different than mine. It had a nice ring to it though, she was pretty nice too. "You grew up here, you know how southern towns are."

I sighed, of course I knew. I even knew how my parents were. All I could do was hope they'd feel differently if it was their own daughter. "I'm aware."

"Well, whatever happens I'll always be here for you." Alyssa was a good therapist. She always knew exactly what to say to cheer me up.

My parents enrolled me in therapy when I decided I wanted to start dressing in all black and heavy eyeliner. I was sick of it to be honest, but at this point I just did it to annoy them. Apparently, they grew to believe the devil was inside of me when I stopped going to church. But it wasn't my fault that I didn't deserve to sit in a room where everyone is commenting on my way of life, saying that it's sinful. Which it may be, but I believe that God loves everyone. So I prefer to do my worship in private. "Thank you, Alyssa." I stood up in my seat and set my mug of coffee back on the table in front of me.

"Of course. See you next week." I gave her a huge hug, hoping that I would see her next week. The only reason I would ever miss seeing Alyssa would be if I were dead. Which is highly probable once my parents find out my secret.

I tried to delay my return home for as long as I could. I stopped and organized the leaves by color, and I even stopped a kid on the sidewalk to tie his shoe. I would have delayed it for my whole life if I could. But I knew that wasn't an option, so I opened the chain link fence gate and walked along the pathway to my front door and opened it. There was no way this was going to end well so I made my way through the foyer and hooked my studded backpack onto the shelf in the mud room. I could hear my parents laughing in the living room. They were so happy, I can't believe I was going to disappoint them again.

"Ravyn!" My mother cheered as I walked into the room. The navy blue curtains prevented the sun from blinding me, and the fireplace in the corner made the place feel homely. Even though when I was here, I couldn't feel more out of place.

"Hi." I said. I had no idea how to start this conversation. I have dreamt of this moment for years, just hoping that they would hug me, tell me that everything would be alright. Although deep down, I knew that's all it would ever be. Dreams.

My dad sat in his recliner, a white and gray chevron blanket draped across his lap. He was reading a newspaper. I took a seat on the ottoman and faced them. Dad shook his head, and set down his paper. "What is it pumpkin?" He seemed a little uninterested in what I was about to say, like his thoughts were occupied with something more important.

"Please don't be angry," Tears brimmed my eyes. Mom sat back in her seat, bewildered at the fact that I was crying. I couldn't even make eye contact with her. "I've been thinking of ways to tell you this for years. But I've always been scared of what you might say. Or what you might do."

"Just spit it out, Ray." Mom seemed more concerned now, as if she was suspecting what was happening.

"I- I'm- I'm gay." Their face went blank for a moment. I could tell they were trying to figure out what to say. What was really a minute and a half, felt like years. Dad stood up and walked out of the room. The tears were falling now, Niagara Falls had moved to my eyes and my mother just stared at me.

"Mommy, I'm sorry." I haven't called her that in years. She must have been able to see how terrified I was, but she didn't do anything about it. "I'm sorry."

She stood up and walked away. "I want you out in thirty minutes. I forbid you to come back. God forbid the whole town know I failed as a parent and raised a dirty little lesbian."

That stung. The tears kept coming, but as I looked at my mother's back, I realized she had no love left for me. I was a disappointment. My dreams were crushed and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. I grabbed my stuff from my old bedroom: a sleeping bag, my phone and charger, and a blanket. I rushed across the hall to my parent's kitchen and grabbed some bread cheese. I knew if my friends found out what happened they would take me in. But I didn't want their pity. I didn't want anyone's pity. Right now, I just want to be alone. I was out the door within twenty-two minutes. Time sure flies when you're counting down how much you have left.

The November air stung my face where my tears had been. There was a slight breeze that made me feel as if the whole town was trying to blow me away. I had to run. I ran as fast as I could, making one turn after another, just trying to make it to the barn. I just had to be at the barn.

When I arrived it was empty. There was no one there except for the little family of mice that always were. I climbed the ladder to the hayloft and carefully tiptoed around the rotting wood so that I wouldn't fall through. I made it to the one safe patch at the very end and laid out my sleeping bag and blanket, and I set my cheese and bread near the window to keep it as cold as I possibly could. Once I was situated, I allowed myself to cry. I cried because I realized what this meant for me. I was homeless. Then I cried again because I realized what this meant again, I was free. I hadn't had a good cry in years. So I just let it all out. All of the emotions I had bottled up. My hatred for my parent's beliefs. My hatred for the people who would come to shun me. And most of all, my hatred for myself. I hated what I was. I hated every bit of it. I tried to be like them. I tried so hard. I had boyfriend after boyfriend but none of them could make me love them. It was a totally different story with girls. I could fall for a girl in twenty minutes. I was sort of a hopeless romantic in that way.

Soon after I finished crying, someone else came into the barn. I couldn't tell who it was, but once they were in the hayloft, I knew immediately. Noah was standing in the opposite corner of the loft and was digging through a shoebox. I couldn't tell what he was doing, but he had some blood on his t-shirt. He continued to take things out of the box, never stopping to investigate any of the items. It was as if he could have done this in his sleep, every motion was swift and efficient. Right before he shut up the box he pulled out a bottle of vodka and took a huge gulp. He shook his head immediately afterwards and put the bottle back in the box. I was going to have to remember about the box for later.

"Noah?" Ashley slowly shut the door to the barn, and continued to call for Noah. I was jealous of their relationship. Everything was so easy for them. There was no hesitation between kisses, no question as to who loved the other more. They were perfect. I watched in awe as she rushed to the loft and pushed him onto a hay bale. Oh my God he was hurt! She doctored him up and took care of him. I longed for that kind of trust. If only she would come over here and doctor up my wounds. The gash in my heart hurt more than any pain I had ever had. I longed for someone to love me like that. Alyssa was like that. She made me feel safe, protected. She was twenty-one. That was only a 4 year difference. In a year or two it won't matter. The only thing was she would never see me that way. To her, I was just a client. It broke my heart that it would never be more.

I didn't want to spy on them like this. It felt strange, watching another's relationship and wishing it was my own. But I did it anyways. As she doctored him up, I admired their closeness as he pushed away the rag and pulled her onto his lap. There was something special about those two. I admired them for it. I managed to pry my eyes away and give them the privacy they had assumed they had. I grabbed my sketchbook that I kept up here and started sketching a dragon. I always liked dragons, they were cool. Once I had finished the dragon, I drew a pride flag over it. I used my high intensity colored pencils for this part. I wanted the rainbow to stand out, I wanted it to be perfect. Once the flag was finished I began to sketch my parents. I pretended the fire from the dragons mouth had the ability to change their beliefs, to make them love me again. No, nevermind. I didn't need their approval.

"What are you doing here?" I jumped at the sound of Noah's voice. I didn't expect him to see me here. But I guess I'm not so good at hiding myself as I am at hiding secrets.

"None of your damn business." I spat. I didn't want to talk to him, but I made my way through the conversation. I may have been a little rough. I had to, he was one of the only bits of family I had left. I couldn't lose him too.  He eventually left the barn, telling me to stay where I was. I didn't answer him. He very well knew I didn't have anywhere else to go.

When he returned, he was alone. But only for a few minutes before Ashley came. And it was still a while before the others trickled in. I had no idea what was going on, but I just listened. Noah suggested something that lifted my spirits. The others looked extremely hesitant. But I spit out an immediate yes.