Be prepared for me to get really deep and possibly nostalgic in this chapter, just saying...

So...

Ummm...

Well-- Yeah you can already see how this is going to turn out can't you? Honestly, I don't even know how many people are going to read this but I just have been meaning to get this out for a while now.

At this point in life, I'm 18 years old. I'm not sure what that means to the rest of the world but here's what it means for me, I'm a legal adult. I've finished my last year of senior high school. (in Australia primary school in Kindergarten until Year 6, junior high is 7-10 and senior high is 11-12) and honestly, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. The school system is so outdated, they simply have never catered to my (and many other students) needs in that field. I've never been good at math, I am dyslexic and terrible at English (with the exception of creative writing), I have a long term back injury and school just doesn't suit me.

Lately, I've realised I've become unmotivated to do pretty much anything. School work always seemed pointless, old hobbies and interests just don't seem that cool anymore, even writing seems like a chore now. It's been like this for months, loyal readers will have noticed just how much my update schedule has gone down. I used to update every other day, now I struggle to get a chapter out once a week and I can't really give a straight answer as too why.

The conclusion I've drawn myself is that for the past two years (the period of time this change took effect) school has taken so much of my life, my time and effort, I've pushed aside everything I loved. Teachers literally tell you that at my school, quote, "Quite your jobs, you wont have time for them and school. Forget your hobbies unless they're going to help you with school, otherwise, they're meanless until your HSC is over. You don't have holidays anymore, nor weekends, your main focus should always be study." Like WTF?! I remember hearing this and thinking "So this is why depression is so much more common in teenagers." They're literally trying to deprive us of joy! I remember thinking I'd never let myself get to that point but now I realise I have... all my free time was devoted to study, I'd go weeks without having written a word of a single new chapter!

Honestly, I've been fooling myself for months. Depression is such a common thing nowadays, it's been a long running joke in my house for ages and because of that, when I suspected I had it, I shut my mouth and pretended nothing was wrong. I taught myself how to cope, or at least, seem like it. I bottled up everything to make it seem like I was the same happy, enthusiastic, child-like teenager I'd always been but now it's at the point where the slightest things set me off. I'm curled up in the corner of my bedroom every other day crying to myself because I realise now how much of an idiot I am. I've put others before myself for so long that I'm so far behind in everything I don't know what to do. Everything I've bottled up for years is threatening to spill over because I was never brave enough to step up an admit I might be depressed and I was simply denying myself to help. Now, it's easy to read these words and think nothing of it but let me try to put it into perspective.

I'm always complemented on the way I write moments in my book that are meant to have an impact on the reader, to make them feel what the characters are feeling especially the negative parts, pain, anger, sadness and so on. They're some of my most highly praised parts of my books, a lot of the time, it's me putting the way I feel into words. I feel trapped in a cage I made myself.

To put it simply, both school and I have made me miserable. School didn't cater to the way I need to be taught, I'd lost interest and fell behind, I tried to catch up and I'm treated like I'm the stupid one who school have dropped out years ago. I am not a stupid kid, I know everything I'm supposed to know, I just... can't express it right. I can't write an essay off the top of my head in 40 minutes like we're expected to but give me a day and a little guidance and I was one of the smartest in some of my classes.

I still love writing though, I have millions of ideas I want to get up on here but I just... don't have the time or the motivation. Most my books are at pretty flat moments and these nothing really interesting meant to go on for a while... 'Find my courage' is at the 'cool off' period I have between bad events for the main character so I have a reason to keep them said, 'Blurred out' still has 15 day and approx 15 chapters before anything remotely interesting happens (didn't plan it out too well), 'My own path' just started and I have a few chapter of character development to write about before the bad guys come in... I think that's all I'm writing right now... beside editing 'Star struck' which consists of copy/pasting the chapter into Word, editing grammar and adding in adjectives and what not to make it longer and more interesting. Honestly, I'm considering just republishing 'First light' just to keep you guys entertained. It would be better Wattpad properly organised what order stories come up when you search Pokémon. I was doing it out of boredom the other day while at the doctors and the first two are s*x stories! Like seriously! I don't even care if mine aren't the first things shown (which they actually should be among because besides a few books like Blue Lightning and what not, my stories are some of the most highly viewed books in Pokémon fanficion on this sight) but don't show that to the 12-whatever ages looking to read a Pokémon book! The categorising system is also really off... no I do not want to label categories my book as a fanfiction, most of those imply fictional/non-fictional character x reader or whatnot. My stories are adventure and whatnot. I want people to look up Pokémon adventure books and find mine. I don't care how often you change them Wattpad, I want people to actually find and read my books for what they are.

I don't know what to do anymore... I remember being one of the people who couldn't even fathom why people would want to commit suicide but now it really seems like an option, other then the fact that I could never put my family through that. I may feel worthless. I may feel pathetic. But I know that doing something so extreme is purely selfish. I have little to no support everywhere I go, I try to bring up issues and I get the 'it's just a faze' talk. After all, what do I wrong right now? I have an IPad, laptop, TV phone and other gadgets and gizmos in my room. I have good food and water and my needs satisfied. Yet I can't help but feel wrong. Misplaced. Everything I say seems to be wrong and no one seems to understand.

My own mum knows so little about me that half my Christmas stuff is makeup! I've worn make up three times this year. For a wedding, for graduation and for my formal. I try to politely say that she's better off not wasting the money on me cause I'm seriously not worth it and she treats me like I'm a selfish brat. I'd be selfish to keep the stuff cause I would never ever use it.

I know that kind of turned into a rant rather then the deep chapter it was meant to be and as I'm writing this now, I don't think I'm going to publish it but if I do end up publishing it, please learn from my mistakes, if you think you need help, ask your parents or someone you trust, denial is your enemy. Don't let yourself get to the point your do broken you'd rather break more the make others waste their time on you.