It was midnight at the Intergalactic Space Station B217, and its only active officers were busy telling each other the silliest space jokes they could think of, because clearly they didn't understand the gravity of their situation.

Technically speaking, Joss and Heller weren’t even officers. They’d been promoted in a hurry two weeks into their internship program at B217 due to a deadly disease they brought with them from Earth: the common cold. While the two Earthlings were only mildly inconvenienced, the rest of the B217 crew was incapacitated.

In a desperate attempt to keep the place running, their superiors promoted Joss and Heller to positions higher up than they deserved… which was why they were sitting in the control room, unaware that they had switched on the intercom by accident. The convalescent crew of B217 was now being subject to jokes and flirtations that were evidently not meant for outside ears.

Joss winked and tossed their head, making their long ponytail swing. ‘Sergeant Heller?’ they said.

‘Yes, Sergeant Joss?’ Neither of them lost any opportunity to flaunt their new titles at each other.

'Shall we head on to the space bar when we’re done with mission control?’

‘Why, yes, Sergeant Joss.’ Heller gave a loud giggle, which set off the both of them into yet another burst of laughter. ‘I heard—’ and here Heller choked on his words ‘—I heard the drinks there are stellar.’

‘I heard we can get Starbucks coffee from there, too!’

From the sickbay, the commanding officer of the B217 mission groaned and covered her head with a pillow, hoping it would muffle the excruciating nonsense she was being forced to put up with. Another loud peal of laughter dashed her hopes.

‘What did the astronauts say after arguing with each other?’ Heller asked with a big grin.

‘What?’

But before Heller could deliver the punchline, a sudden screech ripped through the speakers, cutting their conversation short. ‘...copy, this is Captain Das from Starship 4218, do you copy?’

Joss and Heller froze. In the ensuing silence, the two could hear things crashing on the other end, followed by several colourful curses and a deep, bloodcurdling growl.

‘Did they uh, say starfish?’ Joss asked.

‘Starship 4218 to IGSS B217, do you copy?’ Captain Das repeated, and this time there was a note of panic in their voice — and strain, as if they were putting all their strength into restraining something.

The two officers exchanged horrified looks. ‘Um… what do you reckon?’ Heller whispered. He ran his hand through his hair, making it stand on end.

‘B217, this is an emergency, damn it!’

‘Uh,’ Joss stammered, grabbing the headphones and jamming it onto their head. They adjusted the mic, nearly sticking it into their mouth in the process; no doubt the commander would have been horrified had she been there to see it. ‘This is Sergeant Joss from the uhh—’ they paused, scrunching their forehead as they struggled to recall the name of the station.

‘IGSS B217,’ Heller said helpfully. When Joss didn’t react, Heller poked them in the ribs and said, ‘Sergeant, you’re spacing out.’

‘Oh, right,’ Joss said. ‘From the IGSS 324B21,’ they said into the microphone. Then they frowned. ‘Wait, I didn’t get that right, did I?’

There was a long silence from the other end, punctuated with large, high yips from… well, whatever it was that was on the ship. ‘324B21. That’s my favourite character from the show,’ Captain Das said finally. ‘Not the point, however.’

‘Um. Well,’ Joss said, embarrassed. ‘What seems to be the problem, Captain?’

A volley of snarls came back in answer, and Joss almost threw off the headphones in shock. ‘As you can… as you can hear,’ said Captain Das, panting, ‘I have a rather unfriendly guest on board—’ they cut off to fling several curses at the supposed guest ‘—and he’s not behaving.’

‘What?’ Joss said, scratching their head in confusion. They had only the faintest inkling of what was going on, and what little they guessed was filling them with unease. Once again they exchanged a look with Heller, and saw their own fears reflected in the eyes of their partner.

‘We’re not equipped to deal with emergencies, Joss,’ Heller said, biting his lip.

Back in the sickbay, the frazzled commander muttered, ‘At least you know it.’ Of all the times for something like this to happen, it had to be when the whole crew was down.

‘At least they stopped those awful jokes!’ put in her second-in-command.

‘It’s the little things,’ the commander agreed, but with little enthusiasm.

Meanwhile, Captain Das had managed to quiet the… guest. For now. ‘I’m transporting Major Min’s pet,’ they explained. ‘Unfortunately, the sedative wore off — but anyway. You keep distracting me, Sergeant Joss!’

‘Yes, Captain!’ Joss said, jumping to a salute. They did not handle pressure very well, apparently.

Heller gave them an odd look. ‘Here, let me,’ he said, and Joss let him take the headphones. He took a deep breath. ‘Captain Das, this is Sergeant Heller speaking.’

‘I hope I have someone more competent this time.’

‘Don’t talk about my partner that way!’

There was a pause. ‘Clearly I was being too optimistic.’

‘Well, what help do you need, Captain?’ Heller said, still sulky. He was glad, however, to note that poor Joss was starting to get a grip on themself, and was now in fact making a cup of coffee from the machine in the corner of the control room.

‘I need coordinates to B217. And you have to initiate the landing sequence remotely, because I have my hands full with this one.’ As if to prove the captain’s point, Major Min’s pet made a noise that was a wild cross between a ribbit and a bark. ‘And for God’s sake, have someone ready with a tranquilizer!’

‘Pardon me for asking, but don’t you have a crew on board, or at least a co-pilot?’ Heller said.

The listeners in the sickbay were groaning in frustration, wishing they were well enough to get out of bed; at this point, they would have welcomed the space puns. ‘He’s wasting time!’ moaned the second-in-command.

'That’s it,’ said the commander, unable to stand the conversation she was hearing on the intercom. ‘I’m going to the control room!’ But a violent sneeze, followed by an uncontrollable fit of coughing, seized her for the next three minutes. ‘I’m not going to the control room,’ she concluded, before giving another weak cough.

It was up to Heller and Joss to deal with this emergency on their own.

‘I was supposed to,’ said Captain Das, in answer to Heller’s question, ‘but some bastard changed the security laws in the last second and only I made it past the check. And since I was short on time, I decided to make the flight on my own.’

‘Well, sounds like you—’

‘Can you send me the damn coordinates already?’ There was a long pause, and this time even the Major's pet seemed to be listening. ‘Hello?’

Heller gave a nervous laugh. ‘Well uh, we might have a problem there,’ he mumbled. ‘The station is under quarantine and Joss and I have internship-level training. Actually, not even that, because we didn’t get to complete our program.’ No sound came from the other end, and the sick crew members held their breaths in fearful anticipation. ‘Long story short, we can’t help you.’

‘What!’ The captain seemed like they were on the verge of tears. ‘But—’

‘Have a nice day,’ Heller said with a defeated sigh, ‘and good luck.’ Before Captain Das could so much as protest, he switched off the radio. The last thing that registered on the speakers was a frustrated howl, and it did not come from the Major’s pet.

Moments later, the sound of Joss’s wheelchair alerted Heller to their presence, and he turned around to see them holding up a steaming mug. ‘Uh… coffee?’ Joss said hopefully.

‘I’d like that a latte,’ Heller said, and within seconds the two were back at it again.

‘Well, I guess that’s that,’ the commander said, giving up, and she turned over in her bed and went to sleep, hoping that the cold would be gone by the time she woke up.

Follow and check out their work! Remember! New story will be posted every day!

Show some love to these fantastic authors! Vote, comment and spread the word!