“Aye, captain,” Spongebob’s voice shrilled through the cockpit. “Aye, Captain.”

So shrill that even Bowie belting out ‘Ground Control’ from the stereo faded into the background.

I muttered some curses, jumped out of my seat, punched the comms button before the annoying fella could talk again. Sponge Bob Square Pants was my favourite character, but that was two decades ago when I was running around in dungarees with a snotty nose. In fact, I hated him now and Shrimp knew this. Every time I visited him, he hung posters all over my space-pod, changed ringtones, he called it reminiscing our childhood. It was supposed to be an inside family joke. Well, if little bro did too many of these jokes, he would be outside my definition of family.

“You okay, bro?” Shrimp’s voice came on the speakerphone.

“I was before you called. When did you change the ringtone?”

“When you were busy snogging Gaitra before your departure.” He chuckled like a kid. He was seventeen going on seven sometimes.

The mention of Gaitra did all sorts of things to me. Why did I have to leave that pretty girl on Earth? She had offered to accompany me but I had to go all high and mighty and tell her what a torture this trip would be. Guess what, it got twenty times worse without those delicious curves.

“Did you find the rest of the surprises?” Shrimp asked.

“I swear, Shrimp, I won’t let you on my ship if you’ve planted more of this shite.”

“Well, you’re not scheduled to return for two years. You sure you’ll be alive till then?”

“I plan to be not only alive but thriving on Andromeda. Don’t forget I’m the Lord of that Galaxy.”

“Lord of dead galaxies means zilch, bro. You might as well be Lord of black holes.”

“Whatever, asshole. Why did you call?”

“Did you pick up the passenger on Neptune?”

I glanced at the blob next to the electronics. In a strange charcoal colour, it seemed like a melting pot of smoke. Not sure I could call it a passenger but that’s what I was told to pick up so I did.

“Okay, about that–”

“Jesus, Drake, have you messed up again? I told you specifically to pick up the passenger. It’s the highest paying one for this leg and the client apparently is a very entertaining one. This ride was supposed to be a fun one. Why do you think I told you not to take Gaitra along?”

I scratched my hair. “There is another thing I picked up. A larger box. Maybe the passenger’s in there?”

There was a soft whistle on the phone. “They didn’t tell me nothing about no dead passenger. You were supposed to transport them alive. Christ, what did you do? Did you pick up a dead duck?”

“Okay, okay, stop yelling. I better go check. Call you back once I know the status.”

I gazed out the window. Milky way was fading in the dark satin space. At least we were on track to arrive on time. I set the ship on autopilot, rose from the controls and headed to the cargo section. The large grey box was still sitting as the courier left it. Right in the middle of the room.  

I carried the smaller box to it and placed it in a groove that looked about the right size for it to fit in. As soon as I inserted the smaller box, a screen opened up and a message appeared, “Hello.”

Lowering myself closer to the box, I whispered, “Hello?”

These alien species were getting weirder by the day. Did they come in flatpacks like Ikea nowadays?

“Hello, pilot. I was resting for the journey. Is there anything you want?” the panel spoke back.

“Umm… I was supposed to carry a passenger it seems, not a box. Can you confirm there is life inside this box?”

“Affirmative.”

“Good, good. Now, can you come out?”

“Negative.”

“Why?”

“Exactly why would I come out? I hear the journey is 20 Lima years long.”

“Yes, it is but, as they say, travelling with company is always fun. Don’t you think?” I was starting to feel lonely. Some company would feel nice till the time the alien didn’t decide to turn me into dinner. Thankfully, most of them found human meat repulsive – too salty and too hairy.

“Alright, I can come out. Think of someone you know, someone you really like,” the voice said.

“Huh?”

Before I could ask what was going on, the box opened up and out stepped Taylor Bloody Swift.

“Holy hell,” I backed off a few steps and fell on top of the drinks box.

“You likey?” he asked.

“I do. Maybe not the voice so much. Doesn’t sound like her.”

“Oh, that I can’t help now. You should have said before what she sounded like,” he said and sat down on the box beside me.

“Who the heck are you?” I asked. “What species?”

“Metamorphiser. Until maturity, I can change form to anything I want or anything others want. This is my first attempt. What do you think?” He spun around in a slow circle and went, “Tada.”

I winced. “There’s something really wrong looking at Taylor Swift with a Samuel L Jackson’s voiceover. Can you change to something else?”

“Sure, close your eyes and think of someone. Maybe someone from your childhood?”

Childhood straight away reminded me of the Transformers Giant figurine sitting on the top shelf of my bedroom.

A loud boom dragged me out to reality. In front of me, stood the biggest Optimus Prime I had ever seen and he was actively squashing the heck out of my spacecraft.

“Hey, buddy, do you want to sit down? The ship’s not quite new and can’t take too much strain. And as much as I’m loving the view, “ I gazed at the window showing a thousand stars, “I don’t fancy popping out for a spacewalk.”

“I don’t really get what you want.” He sat down and sighed heavily.

“Can you change your voice?”

“I can try. I think I can pull it off but there’s only one problem.”

“And what’s that?”

“I’m only allowed to change thrice.”

“Oh! Why didn’t you say before? We could have thought long and hard about which bird I would have liked to have for company?” I muttered, scratching my stubble.

“You want a bird?”

“Hell, no, please! Don’t change just yet.”

The ship rumbled against his weight and a small crack appeared on the sidewall.

“We gotta do this fast. I think I’m kinda heavy in this version,” he said.

“Now you’re talking. Alright, alright. Let’s do this. I’ll close my eyes and the first image that pops up, right?”

He nodded. Vigorously.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. My mind was blank. This is good. I thought I can conjure up beautiful Gaitra, with her effervescent laughter, her coconut smell and soft skin; this ride could become one heck of a fun ride.

Just then the phone rang with the same ringtone, Shrimp changed to. “Aye, Captain! Aye, Captain!”

I opened my eyes. There stood in front of me, a yellow square with black glasses plastered on its large eyes, brown pants, and stick thin legs. He said to me, “What do you think?”

It was going to be a long, long ride to Etheron but as soon as I get back to Earth, I would hunt Shrimp down and strangle him.

Suddenly, a loud crash jolted us both onto our feet. I looked out of the window. “Uh Oh.”

“What happened?” Spongebob squeaked in that annoying voice.

Fast approaching was a super black blob, directly in front of us.

“There’s been a small change in flight path,” I muttered. “A slight detour.”

The reality – we were headed straight into a black hole. And there I was in the company of my most favourite cartoon character. It’s a good thing there was no way home because Shrimp got that much longer to live!

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