Simula

It's never been easy for me. It's so hard liking someone, loving someone who doesn't even feel the same way about you. I do understand how it felt and I also do understand that there's nothing we can do about it. 

Losing our grasp into them is the only way we can do to make them happy. And for us who sacrifice our love is to fight the pain and don't let it killed you.

It's like forbidding yourself to stop doing your hobbies, your dreams, and forgetting everything you've work hard all your life. Forbidding yourself not to think about that person who mean the world to you. 

Paraya? 

It's the fittest word for me. Because today, it's the best thing I could do to make her happy.

I need to… let her go.

"Bro… okay ka lang?"

Hirap akong napalunok nang mag-angat ng tingin sa kaibigan.

Kunot noo niya akong tinitigan nang siguro makita ang kakaibang ekspresyon na taliwas sa saya na nararamdaman ng lahat ngayon. I can't hide everything I feel now that I heard my mom saying that my fiancee is crying her heart out yesterday.

"Arwen… Did you two fight?" Mom's worried voice shown over the phone.

"Why Mom?"

It's a tradition that the man and his future wife shouldn't be together before their weddding day.

I swallowed the bile in my throat when I heard her deep loud sighed. She sounds so problematic. It made me feel a little uneasy. Of course, it's about the girl I wanted to protect my whole life. To the girl I promised to never let her shed tears because of me again… to the girl that I need to let go for her happiness that she couldn't find within me.

"W-well… it's supposed to be her last day as a single lady. But she's inside her room the whole time. And I heard that… she had a fight with her sister…" her last words slowed down, like she's avoiding someone from behind that might hear her.

I firmly closed my eyes. I used my free hand to massage the bridge of my nose and sat on my condo's sofa.

This was supposed to be our preparation day. Her bridal shower. Her day to enjoy her last day as a single person. It's supposed to be her day to party and enjoy the whole night with her friends.

Not like this… crying in her room.

"Mom…" This isn't the first time that ended up so speechless but… it's about my future wife. The person I always wanted to spend my life with.

"Iho… may hindi ba ako nalalaman tungkol sa inyong dalawa?"

"N-no…"

"Did you contact her? Kung hindi pa mas mabuting gawin mo na." 

"I already did… but she won't answer me."

She sighed heavily again. "Is she…" she hesitated. 

The moment she sound unwilling, I already knew what she's about to say.

"…does the marriage between you two has something to do with this, Ar?" 

Hindi ako agad nakapagsalita. Pain wrapped around my chest as I couldn't find words to reply.

"Anak…"

"I'm sorry Mom. Please take care of her." 

"Arwen-"

I immediately ended the call as I let my head fell from the headrest of the sofa. I let my phone fell on the floor. It made a huge sound in every corner of my condo. Tears came out from my eyes when memories with her started rushing inside my head, with an excruciating pain that I couldn't barely manage to control.

"By!" she called using her soft angelic voice.

Holding the shell of a clam, she run my way while holding her hat on the other hand. She's wearing a floral chiffon shawl dress. Her straight waist length jet black hair glowed like the ocean. Her smile that resembles the moon and her skin that affiliated with the white sand below our feet… she's the beauty no one could ever possess.

"Look! I got these over there…" she happily pointed the surface where sea shells and other kinds of clams are hiding underneath the wet sand. "…we can still eat them right?"

Her naughty smile made me laughed for a couple of seconds.

"Let me see…" 

I held her soft dirty hands and look for the clams. I bit my lower lip and slightly chuckled when I knew that the clams are full of sands inside.

"We can't eat sands, Ba."

Her brows furrowed as she take her hands back from me. "What do you mean sands? Ailaxa told me I can eat this."

"Hindi pwede… tingnan mo," kahit natatawa ay pinilit kong pigilan ang sarili. Kinuha ko ulit ang kabibe sa kamay niya at pinakita ang nasa loob no'n. Namilog ang parehong mata at labi niya ng makita ang puros buhangin doon. 

"Ailaxa lied to me!" she grimaced.

I couldn't stop myself from laughing hard at her cute reaction. I will never get tired watching her like this.

"Gusto mo ba kumain ng ganito?" I asked while bending my body to get a clearer look on her face.

"Yes, but I want to eat the clams I got myself." 

Her hair flew with the wind, revealing more of her features. Her cheeks are now a little reddish. Even with the sun, she still looks so fresh and fabulous.

I chuckled and mess up her hair a little. "I'll help you with that."

She lifted her head up while squinting her eyes to avoid the ray of the sun that keeps on distracting her. "Really? Akala ko ba sasamahan mo muna si Marsha sa east side kasi nagugutom siya?"

The sudden change of her voice made me confused.

"She can go on her own." I answered.

"No…" she immediately refuse with an annoyed expression. She turned her back and hurriedly run away from me. 

"Hey Ba!" I called. "Ba!"

I run halfway to equal her pace but she keeps on avoiding me. A small laugh came out from my mouth when an idea flashed inside my head.

"Havi!" I called her nickname.

As if on cue she run more faster than before. Napalitan ang kaba ko nang tawa ng makita kong muntikan na siyang madapa dahil sa kakatakbo. 

"Ba!" I called again between my laughs.

Nang sobrang abot ko na siya ay mas lalo lamang siyang lumayo sa akin. We look like a pair playing underneath the hottest peak of the sun. 

"Lumayo ka, Chief!" sigaw niya.

I was caught off guard at what she called me. Mas lalo lamang na lumaki ang ngiti ko sa labi at mas pursigido pa siyang habulin sa gitna ng mainit na sinag ng araw.

"You want me to catch you, huh?" I teased.

She screamed when I scooped her thighs and lifted her up away from the sand. Later on, her scream turned into a beautiful sound of her laughter.

"Gotcha!"

"Chief! Put me down!" Her laugh is a music to my ears. I will never get tired listening to it.

"Not gonna happen." I chuckled before whirling her around happily.

My best bud, Lupin tapped my right shoulder to keep my sanity alive from this reality. I came back from the memories I will surely longed forever.

"Bro… okay ka lang?" Bakas ang pag-aalala sa boses niya ng gawin 'yon. Napahinga siya nang malalim ng hindi ako sumagot.

"Bro… a-ayaw mo bang magpakasal?"
Sa simpleng salitang 'yon… parang ilang libong saksak sa dibdib ang natamo ko. Sobrang sakit.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang isasagot ko sa tanong niyang 'yon. Marami akong dahilan, marami akong dahilan para ipagpatuloy ang kasal, marami din akong dahilan para hindi ito ituloy.

"Dahil ba kay Marsha?" anger was written all over his face while saying Thania's older step sister's name. The one that Thania always pushes me through. The one she's matchmaking me with. 

I scoffed. I wonder if that woman has something to do with what's happening between us Thania right now. 

"Wala dito si Carlos," si Lupin habang nililibot ang tingin sa buong simbahan. Dahil sa pagka-kuryuso ay ginawa ko rin ang ginawa niyang paglilibot ng tingin. Si Carlos ang kababata ni Thania na nakasama niya mula pagkabata hanggang paglaki. They both grew up on the other country and their closeness… 

"Sa tingin mo? Magkasama kaya sila ni Thania?" diretso niyang tanong na halos magpabali sa ulo ko para lang mapabaling ng mabilis sa kaniya. His confused expression turned naughty. 

"Ba't ganiyan ka? Takot ka bang takbuhan ni Thania sa kasal niyo ngayon?" 

My fist tightened beside my white slacks. Naghahamong napangisi si Lupin dahilan para mas lalong mag-alab ang galit sa kaloob-looban ko. Kung ano man ang plano niyang buhayin ang kung anong emosyon na nasa akin, nagtagumpay siya.

"So… mahal mo 'yong tao?" He scoffed.

I groaned. "That's none of your fucking business."

"Bro, kung ano man ang plano mo ngayong araw… sana 'di mo pagsisihan." 

Mariin akong napatitig sa kaniya. 

Pagsisihan? Pagsisisihan ko ba ang bagay na alam kong makakapagpasaya sa babaeng mahal ko? Pagsisisihan ko ba itong pagpaparaya ko para sumaya siya? No… this is all for her. I will give up everything for her even if it's my own happiness.

"Carl…" her tears rolled down her cheeks as she spoke her best friends name over the phone. I immediately hid myself behind the cabinet on the kitchen area. She's sitting on the sofa on our living room. Helplessly crying, parang hindi pa ata inisip na nasa bahay din naman ako.

Naligo lang ako… ilang minuto lang ako sa banyo tapos ngayon may katawagan na siyang iba at umiiyak pa. Damn.  

"I-I want to meet you… Carl," she sobbed hysterically. 

I clenched my jaw as I let my weak body leaned over the cold wall of the kitchen. 

Why him? She have me! So why him? If she's having a hard time she can talk to me! I'm still her fiancee for pete's sake! Is it that hard to share her problem with me? 

What… what about me?

Agad na akong lumabas mula sa pinagtataguan at nagpanggap na walang alam sa nakitang pag-iyak niya kanina at sa pagtawag sa Carlos na 'yun. She's now wearing her simple white T-shirt with a print of a luxurious brand and a faded skinny jeans. 

Where is she going with that pretty attire of hers?

"Where are you going?" I asked, trying to make a normal voice. I tried to sound unbothered.

"I'll meet with Ailaxa, uuwi din ako pagkatapos naming mag-usap, Ba." she said.

I bit my lower lip while nodding abruptly. Ailaxa… she's meeting with Ailaxa in this late night. Is it really Ailaxa?

I really wanted to ask but… who the hell am I to stop her from meeting the person she's more fond with?

"Okay." I walked my way into the refrigerator and pick the strongest alcohol I have before slamming it close. 

Kumunot ang noo ko nang makitang nandoon pa rin siya sa may pintuan at may lungkot na tinging nakatitig sa akin.

What's with the look? Why is she looking so hurt than me? Is she guilty? I don't fucking need it.

"Iinom ka na naman ba?" now she sound worried.

"Yeah."

I focused on opening the bottle of the Balkan Vodka on the glass and drink straight to it. I let the bitterness run through my throat. 

"Ba…" she called again.

Why is she still there?

"Please don't drink too much… I'll call Marsha-"

"Why would you call her?" My brows furrowed. 

She flinched. I scoffed and continued on my business. Nang mapansin kong 'di pa rin siya gumagalaw sa pwesto niya ay napahinga ako ng malalim. I leaned on the counter to support my weight.

"Ailaxa is waiting for you, right?" I stated. She gulped hard before nodding.

"Then go." I said while drinking straight on my other glass. 

Through my peripheral vision, I saw her eyes with full of guilt and regret. Something that I wouldn't wish to see from her. Pero hindi rin naman nagtagal ay unti-unti na rin niyang sinarado ang pintuan. 

My grip on the glass tightened. I could even hear its crack underneath my hand. Hanggang sa tuluyan na nga iyong nabasag sa mga kamay ko nang marinig ko ang boses ng paparating na sasakyan. 

Mabilis akong napatayo at kahit na tumutulo ang dugo sa sahig galing sa kamay ay hinawi parin ang kurtina sa bintana na nakaharap sa mismong gate ng bahay namin. 

Namilog ang mga mata ko nang makita kong bumaba galing sa sasakyan si Carlos at mabilis pa sa ipo-ipong niyakap si Thania.

Habol ang hininga akong napatalikod at tulirong napatingin sa kung saan-saan. My heart is racing fast with an excruciating feeling. Hanggang sa nagkaniya-kaniya nang tulo ang luha ko sa mata dahil sa sobrang sakit ng pakiramdam. 

"Ha… Havi…" I muttered her name shakily when I heard the sound of the car making its way out from our residence.

Bakit… bakit ba hindi na lang ako? Mahirap ba akong mahalin? 

We've been together for a long time too. What about those memories we had together? What about those? I thought we could be together… I thought everything is in good shape… Why is she with that guy now?!

For a man who's getting married, there's nothing more beautiful than his bride in white, walking down the aisle, with a flower on her hand, a pair of her glittering eyes under the veil she's wearing and a song played in the piano that suits perfectly in her graceful entrance. But… why is she still looks so pretty with those sad eyes? Why is she still stunning with those painful tears that falling under her lids?

"She's so happy that she cried while walking," a man behind my back chuckled happily. 

She's happy?

I don't think so. I know her too well… and those tears aren't happiness. 

My fist closely tightened beside my slacks. I can't take my eyes off my beautiful bride. The sunset is the most painful moment for us here. It says goodbye… can I really do that to her too? Can I say goodbye too?

No… No I can't but… I need to. I need to give up on her. She won't be happy with me even if I'll give everything to her. She needs him. Saan naman ako lulugar kung pipilitin ko ang sarili ko sa kaniya 'di ba? Her happiness is the most important thing here. 

I can… I can still move forward. 

Loud noises of chattering and cheering of people around this open field venue beside the cliff of the ocean was the most perfect wedding place for the both of us. With the beautiful scenery of the sunset, perfect place, perfect bride, perfect moment… this is her dream wedding. A wedding with the sunset as the most important witness of our love and promise forever.

The moment she stopped in front of me, I hesitated to take her hands. I was standing still and watching her thoroughly. I need to memorize her face. I need to remember everything from her. Those memories we made together. Those happy and painful memories...

"T-take my hand now..." she smiled wearily. Her eyes are full of sadness. It looks like she's begging me to stop this wedding through her eyes. 

My hand trembled as I accept the thorn lingered inside my heart. Is it possible for a heart to bleed because of so much love? Am I gonna die if that happens to me now?

I swallowed the bile in my throat and let my hand reach for hers. Wala akong pakealam kung maramdaman niyang nanginginig ako. Wala akong pakealam kung maramdaman niyang nanghihina ako. Ayaw ko siyang bitawan... ayaw ko siyang mapunta sa iba. 

Pero sasaya ba siya sa akin kung pipilitin ko siya sa akin? Mabibigay ko ba ang pinaka-gusto niya?

I held her hand that covered with white lace gloves. Why is she so fucking beautiful today?! 

With our hand intertwined, we both stand in front of the pastor. He smiled to the both of us with full of harmonic happiness. 

It's sound so ironic, everyone is so happy, everyone is cheering for the both of us and we... the most special person today is feeling the opposite. 

Well... this is what arrange marriage do. I want to marry her but... she have someone inside her heart. And that will never be me.

"We are all here to celebrate the most awaited wedding of Arwen and Thania. This is one of the most memorable moment for this two important person today as they will share their promises and vows for all of us..." he paused to look on both of us Havi.

I gritted my teeth when I saw the pastor making a confused expression. Dahan-dahan akong napayuko. He cleared his throat and continued.

"Ahm... so today. M-mukhang kabado itong groom natin," he joked which made everyone laughed at what he said. But I never did the same way as they did. Wala akong lakas para ngumiti. Kakayanin ko ba 'yon kung umiiyak si Thania sa tabi ko? Siguro para sa lahat dahil lang sa sobrang saya kaya siya umiiyak. 

Damn... Havi you're killing me. Why are you doing this to me Havi? I firmly closed my eyes as I faced Havi with the braveness I have left. Matapang ako sa mga raid, kaso at ibang trabaho sa pagpupulis pero bakit... bakit pagdating sayo nanghihina ako?

"Havi..." 

She lifted her face with a shock expression. Tumigil sa pag-agos ang luha niya nang mapatingin siya sa akin. I clenched my jaw and pull her veil up to her head. I need to end up things now before it get worse. 

She gasped. "W-what are you doing-" 

"Everyone!" sigaw ko para makuha ang atensyon ng lahat. Kaniya-kaniyang bulungan ang agad na lumikom sa buong paligid. 

"W-what are you doing?" Havi hysterically pulled the hem of my tuxedo. I faced her with my most serious expression. Her gorgeous shape cupid's bow lips opened, but there's no words coming out from it. Only her eyes that filled with so much surprised is the only clue I have on her.

"If you can't do it then I will." 

Her tears flowed down again after I said those. I gulped hard to stop myself from embracing her back into my arms.

Mariin akong napalunok at napatitig sa dagat ng tao na ngayon ay may pagtatakang nakatitig sa amin. 

"A-arwen..." Mom called as she shakily stand from her seat.

"I'm..." my breathing doubled as words crampled all over my head. I can... I can do it.

Mas lumakas lamang ang bulungan ng mga tao lalo na nang mabilis akong napailing. "I can't... I can't marry her... I'm sorry..." 

Those words gave a very huge impact to everybody. Kaniya-kaniyang singhap at tayuan ang ginawa ng lahat. Umugong ang tila nakakatakot na gulo sa buong venue. 

Kahit na namimilipit sa sakit ng dibdib at sobrang puot at galit sa sarili ay kinaya kong titigan si Thania na umiiyak at halos sapawan na ang boses ng mga nagkakagulong bisita.

My lips and hand trembled when I held her hand back again. 

"Ar..." she sobbed.

I lifted my hand into her cheeks and wipe the tears on it. "Shush... you're free now."

"B-By..." she grip my hands with a pleading expression. My tears fell under my eyelids. I can't control it anymore... 

"I'm... I'm so sorry... I can't..." I bit my lower lip to stop myself taking out a sob. "I can't marry you..."

Please... be happy now, Havi. I don't want to see you cry again. Please...

Mas lalong lumakas ang hagulhol niya. I pulled her back to give her my last embrace. This is the last time that I can hold you like this. Might as well grab this chance right?

"T-thank you... Thank you... Ar," she cried in between my chest. 

She's happy... she's now happy. How could she... how could she thank me? Ganoon ba talaga niya ako kadisgustong pakasalan para magpasalamat siya sa ginawa ko? 

It's painful... so damn painful, Havi. Why are you doing this to me?

She loosened on my embraced and hurriedly turned her back from me... but then stop to look at me again.

Her bright smile shined with the setting sun and with her tears na pangarap kong haplusin at punasan ulit.

"Be happy now... Ar." She said those with the spark of tears before running fast away from me.

Sasaya pa kaya ako... kung wala ka na?