President Wormsley glanced at the clock. The private jet containing the Martians should be arriving at any minute. The rocket had landed safely in Houston early that morning and a jet was waiting nearby to immediately transport the two interplanetary visitors to Washington.

The President had a nice reception planned for the Martians. There would be a band and television coverage and, of course, a large banquet as word had arrived that the intrepid space travelers had run out of food two days before reaching Earth. Luckily three-quarters of the crew had survived the trip. Only Lucy the chicken had tragically met an early demise.

President Wormsley rehearsed in his mind what he would say during this truly historical meeting. It was flawless. His speechwriters had truly been at the peak of their skills when writing this. There was a fairly large crowd of VIPs waiting in the reception room with him and his wife stood by his side. Hardly anyone spoke as they all held their breaths in anticipation of the Martians' arrival.

At last the doors opened and the band started playing as Secret Service agents escorted Zax and Telzar into the room. President Wormsley put on his broadest smile and extended his hand in greeting as cameras flashed all around him. Zax and Telzar seemed a little bewildered by the whole situation and President Wormsley realized that it was possible that they had never seen cameras or heard music before.

President Wormsley cleared his throat and spoke loudly. "Greetings, neighbors. On behalf of the people of Earth, I'd like to welcome you to our planet. Before we begin conversing, it occurs to me that you haven't eaten for a couple of days. Perhaps you would like to help yourselves to the banquet."

"Yeah, that would be pretty good," the Martians said together. They looked at the vast spread of food that lay before them. It all looked unfamiliar to them. "Hey, do you have any rocks?"

"No, I'm afraid not," President Wormsley replied cheerfully.

"Hey, Zax, it's all right," Telzar said. "Look. They have some of that berry stuff like we had on the rocket."

"Oh, you mean the fruit salad," President Wormsley said as he dished up two bowls of it. The Martians began to devour it while President Wormsley mugged for the cameras. He gave them time to finish before he resumed speaking to them. "Rest assured we'll do all in our power to make your stay here as pleasant as possible. Furthermore, in order to promote peace between our planets, we'd like to present you with a few gifts." He indicated his wife who was carrying a large package.

"Oh baby," Zax said. "She's the gift? Thanks, we'll make good use of her."

"No, not her," President Wormsley said sharply. "The package."

"She certainly has a nice package," Telzar giggled as he walked behind Mrs. Wormsley.

"You keep a nice home," Zax drooled.

"Thank you," Mrs. Wormsley replied uncertainly. "But this isn't my home."

"Oh yes it is," Telzar said. "And you keep a very nice one." He proceeded to pat her on the rear end.

She screamed and dropped the package on the ground whereupon it omitted a loud cracking sound. "Dear, you dropped the crystal dove of peace," President Wormsley snapped at her.

"He grabbed my ass," she hissed through clenched teeth.

"Maybe that's just their custom on Mars, honey. We have to be understanding of their cultural differences."

"Hey man, we're still kind of hungry," Zax said as he tapped President Wormsley on the shoulder insistently. "Could we have more of that food?"

"Of course," President Wormsley replied. "That's what it's there for. Have as much as you want."

"Really?" the Martians said in unison. "Dude, that's cool."

They walked over to the table and began eating everything they could lay their hands on. President Wormsley took a moment to regain his composure before picking up the dropped package. "Here," he said. "It may be broken, but we'd still like you to have it. It's a crystal sculpture of a dove of peace."

Zax looked up bleary-eyed, made a peace sign with his hand and began waving his arm around as he shouted "Yeah! Peace, man! Give peace a chance!"

President Wormsley shot a glance over at his personal aid. "What the hell is wrong with these guys?" The aid shrugged. President Wormsley smiled broadly and turned back to the Martians. "So anyway, we'd also like to-"

"Hey man," Telzar interrupted. "Have you ever noticed how these social outings are always, like, awkward and stuff? Because like you don't know anyone but then you all have to act like you're interested in their boring fucking stories. Like I really give a rat's ass about your pathetic life, you know what I mean?"

President Wormsley's eyes narrowed. "You guys aren't in positions of great leadership on Mars, are you?"

"Who, us?" Zax giggled. "No way, man. We're just a couple of your average jimmy-jammys."

"Yeah, down with government," Telzar chimed in. "They just want to take all our hard-earned money and send us off to die in wars and stuff."

"Fine, whatever," President Wormsley said. "Look, could you tell me who your leaders are and just how we could get in contact with them?"

"Oh yeah," Zax said, grasping his head and furrowing his brow in thought. "What's that guy's name?"

Telzar looked as if he was about to answer, but then he lost his balance and fell off the stage, landing on a reporter. "Whoah, sorry, man. The edge of the stage just snuck up on me. Didn't even see it coming."

"All right, that does it," President Wormsley muttered. "Get these guys out of here. Obviously it was a mistake to try to talk to these freaks in public. Take them to their rooms and I'll try talking to them later in private."

"Whoah, you have doors, man! You ever thought about doors? They're pretty neat if you stop to think about them. They like totally transport you from one reality into a completely different reality!" Zax said as he and Telzar were unceremoniously dragged out of the room by Secret Service agents.