Natalia

If one could resume dying and coming back to life at the same time in less than a few seconds, that's how it felt when he kissed me.

I wished it wouldn't have mattered or that it would have appalled me but it didn't. It so didn't. Does that make me a bad person? Perhaps, but it doesn't change the facts.

He left right after. Even before I could catch my breath. And one cannot stop wondering what a guy like him was doing with a girl like me, getting so willingly involved in this mess of a situation? I guess we will never know.

It's six in the morning. I could snoop through the house but it would be rude. And maybe there are cameras. There likely are. All the shit here is expensive. I don't want to weird him out. So I lay down on the rather big sofa and look out the glass wall till I fall asleep.

The doorbell is ringing at some point and wakes me up. It's eleven a.m. I am still on the couch wearing that bathrobe.

In front of the door is a man in his mid thirties with short short brown hair, small brown eyes and the built of a boxer or so. There is a deep cut running on his left cheek to his eyebrow. He gives me a small smile.

"Miss, I am sorry I am so late but no damn clothes store in London seems to open before ten. Please apologize if they don't fit but the only instructions I got was 'rather small'."

"I suppose you are Andrew?" I say, barely containing my daughter.

"Yes, ma'am."

"Well, nice to meet you. I am Nate. And thanks. I will be ready in a few seconds."

I grab the bag and go towards the bathroom.

Inside are my own shoes, the ones I left at the party, the same dress in two sizes, a bra and panties in three sizes.

One of each does fit and they are probably the best quality clothes I have ever worn. The dress is simple, gray, straight and knee long but pretty stylish.

I look almost good, would I not be bruised as hell.

Ok, so Alex said I can take the computer. If I misunderstood, he will have to search for me and get it back. And at this point I can't say I would really mind that much.

It looks pretty interesting design wise and isn't any brand I know but I turn it on and there is indeed my stuff on it, even the desktop background with me and James kissing at San Patrick's last year. Alex probably saw it and thought... stuff.

Anyway. The end. This is a story to tell my grandkids if I will have any.

Andrew leads me to the garage of the building and then to a black car that looks pretty damn expensive.

"Where would you like me to drive you, miss?"

At first, I am not sure what to answer but then I give him Malik's address and hope that he will be home this time.

It is a strange feeling to be driven in that neighborhood in this car.

"Here?" asks Andrew a bit skeptical, looking at the building.

"Yes, thank you."

"One more thing, miss. This is for you."

He hands me a rather thick envelope. I am not sure what to say so I mutter a thank you and get out of the car.

I take a deep breath again and climb the stairs up to Malik's parents' apartment and ring the bell.

This time he is the one who opens up and I exhale.

"Nate? Jesus Christ and all his friends, where have you been?! I was so concerned. I called you a gazillion times and went to your place only to see that James was fighting with the eviction agent. Come in, Mom and Dad are not home. And better start spilling. Where the hell have you been and why the fuck do you look like this?"

He gives me a very long one over.

"Can I have a seat? It is a long story. Where have you been?"

"I was with momma at Aunt Layla's. Dad got shit faced again and gave us a good old beating. You know how he gets... Got this beauty." He lifts his T-shirt to show me a huge bruise on his upper abs and cest. "And despite this, I still look better than you. Fucking spill..."

And I do. Every damn thing. And Malik listens, and at some point his mouth gaps open and stays that way.

"Ok let me see if I got it straight. You got drunk at the party and kisses a guy that you met at the club where you went to pick up Fee, who happened to be there too. How comes he was?"

I nod.

"I don't know. That would have been a good question to ask."

"And you forgot your purse there at the bar and a guy who works for him returned it with a note inside you didn't know about. The guy has people working for him. Hmmm..."

I nod again.

"And then after you kissed you ran away awkwardly and got back home to your crazy ass boyfriend that hit you because he found the note and thought you had sex with another guy. You felt too bad to defend yourself and let him hit you and kick you out of the house."

"Well yeah... I acted like the hoe of Babylon."

"Bitch, no. I agree it wasn't quite morally correct to make out with a guy while in a relationship; that's why you should have dumped his ass before going to the party and then make out with the guy with a clean consciousness."

"Malik..."

"What?"

"And so, as Fee and I were gone you had no place to go so you slept on the street where you were attacked by six homeless guys and somehow rescued by the same guy that made the London police search for you because he could."

"Yeah, in short..."

"Oh my... I have several opinions on the matter so buckle up. First, bitch, James beat you, like literally. If you keep seeing him after this it needs an intervention. Do you wanna end up like Mom? Do you?"

"No..." I mutter.

"You said this strange guy also lets you crash in his million-pound apartment in North Greenwich? Tell me more; I am so intrigued. Like, is he hot? Because he seems very interesting. I mean some cash makes a guy instantly two points hotter, also being nice."

"Well, yeah he is. I think I have never seen an objectively more beautiful guy in my life."

"Ahhha... well paint me a picture. Tall? Ripped?" Malik's eyes are sparkling with excitement. "Don't disappoint me. Now I am living vicariously through you."

"Yes tall, way taller than me, at least six three, fine and perfectly symmetrical features, dark brown hair that was curling a little and big blue eyes, so so beautiful like the sky before a storm. If he was ripped I don't know; I did not see him naked, but good chances."

Malik is biting his lip definitely enjoying the story.

"Did you not even try? I would have definitely made a move. Hell, I would so have tried to baby trap him."

"What? Why? He was nice to me. So very nice. I would never. It was embarrassing as it was."

"Because he is hot and treated you nicely and there is definitely chemistry between you? Nate, my love, you are quite book-smart but when it comes to picking up hints you are a zero."

"Yeah, he is also out of my league in any way possible. I admit I did find him hot but didn't want to seem creepy. And my, I assume ex-boyfriend now, punched me in the face two days ago. It might have been a well-deserved punch but I have to process that first before considering another guy."

"Oh don't get me started on well deserved. Seriously now, do you actually want to forgive James?"

"No, I think we are done. I know I did things that hurt him but so did he. He broke my laptop, with all my stuff on it, and cut all my damn clothes. That hurt me really badly, more than the punch; to see that he does not care what's important to me at all and didn't care at all about all the effort me and Mom made so I can graduate. He really went out of his way to hurt me and I would never do that to him intentionally."

"You have to move on. I mean yeah he was your first man but he's a jerk. By the way, what is in that package that you carry around?"

"Alex's employee gave me this but I haven't opened it."

"Give it to me! I die to know what's inside."

Malik unpacks a stack of hundred pound notes he lets out a loud whistle and I freeze.

"I'll be damned, bitch; you are rich. How much is this?"

"Probably five kay..."

"Why don't I meet such a guy, who looks out for me after knowing me for half an hour? And there's a note." Malik unfolds a little sheet of paper. "I have never met someone writing cursive on a daily basis. It's rather beautiful and odd. Anyway it says 'I lost, didn't I?' I am dying." Malik squeaks. "This is the most exciting thing that happened in ages."

"I have to give it back," I say sternly.

"Say what?! No. No, you don't. And shouldn't. Of course you can if you want to meet again. But even if you do want to, how do you want to give it back? You only know his first name, no other contact and he will not be in London anytime soon. Just use it; that money probably means nothing to him."

"You think...?" I still feel a bit icky but then again five kay can really mean the difference between graduating or not right now, between crashing at Malik's place on the floor or not, between having no money to eat today or not.

"Yeah. But..."

"No. Look at it like this if you want: get the cash, graduate, and in a year or two when you are better off, you can search for him and give it back and maybe you rekindle something, ya know..."

I don't know about the rekindling but in the end I choose to be pragnatical.

"Well okay. I keep it. And how about you come live with me. I am a respectable uni student, soon to be employed. Landlord will be ok with it and five kay can help us survive two-three months if we stretch it. And after that I will hopefully have a job."

Malik has actual tears in his eyes.

"You mean I..."

"Yes, you can move out."

"Lord Allah..." Yes, Malik was born Muslim. He doesn't practice or consider himself part of the religion but it seems that in important moments we can't forget what was part of us when we were very young. "You know, that lady from the theater I sewed for last year offered me a job but dad didn't let me take it. But now, now he can suck it. With however little they pay me and some other minimum wage job I can make it if you share rent with me. Bitch, this is the begging of a new era!" he says enthused.

"Yeah, yeah it is," I whisper.

I help him gather his stuff before his parents are back home and we check into the cheapest hostel we can find.

The very next day Malik searches for accomodations while I prepare my presentation. And we are indeed lucky and find something decent we can afford in a slightly better neighborhood, that is also reasonably far away so I don't meet James. I am not ready for that encounter.

Our place is obvious small, an attic apartment, certainly not in great shape but there is no mold and I am so enthused I catch myself making plans to renovate it properly once I will have more money.

After I acquire a new phone, I finally call Fee, who arrives from the Maldives two days after and brought as a house warming gift a bottle of wine.

"I was so concerned about you. After I heard your message, I tried to call you lots of times. I just saw you at the party walking away with a guy and thought you were gonna get some and was cheering for you. Did you?"

"Yeah, but not in the way you might think."

We spend the afternoon together, the three of us and it's amazing. When I was living with James it was difficult to have people over. He hates Malik and I was a bit afraid and ashamed he will have a nasty outburst when Fee was there.

"Nate, now that you don't have to answer to anybody anymore, wouldn't you want to enroll in a master's degree? If you do it now, with the good bachelor marks you have, I am sure you can get a scholarship again."

That wouldn't even be a bad idea. It would mean I would once again have to balance school and work but, now that job was going to be better paid and in the field of study.

"You know what? I just might," I say, because this time it's my decision alone.

And in the end I do. After the presentation has passed and we officially graduated all the way, I apply for a job and a master's degree.

The life in our little flat is colorful and sometimes loud but at the same time very peaceful.

Malik's dating life is much more vivid than before, now when he doesn't have to sneak around anymore. He has a date almost every other night but never the same guy twice. I am most definitely not the only one with some type of trauma.

Five months have passed; five months without seeing James. We still need a proper conversation for closure but somehow I can't get myself to do that. And Malik is constantly nagging me to get out there and date.

"Bitch, you should get Tinder."

"What for, Malik?"

Malik raises an eyebrow to go with his sarcastic face.

"Aaah... Fun? Dating?"

"Nah, not for me... "

"You broke up with James months ago, which means a lot of time when you are in your twenties. Some fun will do you good."

"I am very busy. A master's and a job mean a lot of late nights. I also cannot let my grades slip or I lose the scholarship. You know that."

"That means that the next time you plan to get laid is in two years? Bitch, no..."

"After I graduate? Why not? I will heal till then."

"And waste your youth..."

"It's a choice and it's just sex."

"And love and all that shit they write songs about. You know I am right... and fabulous. Uh look at this guy. He is a ginger like you; what do you think?"

He shows me the screen of his phone. The guy is admitted cute. But I feel nothing.

"Nah."

"Come on he is hot. Admit it."

"Objectively. But I don't know him, so I feel nothing."

"Neither will you ever if you don't get out there. Dating is also hard work. Unless... Unless a hot guy stumbles over you in a bar and... Nate, are you still thinking about your guy in finance? Admit it, it's that, isn't it?"

"What? No. That was months ago." And he's in tech. And I remember that every time I fire up that laptop because it's the finest device I ever touched. I would have been grateful about anything, but it changed my brain chemistry seeing what a good tool can do to your work. Goddamn it, Alex.

Does that mean that I still think about him? Well sometimes. Will I admit that to Malik? Hell no.

Besides. I have been with one man my whole life. There were good times, and I don't want to diminish what James did for me and what he meant but I am better off now.

And sex... I don't crave it. Not sure why. There were times when I did, but not right now. Sometimes I like it but not all the time. Not when James was drunk for example and it would have been way too complicated to refuse but I didn't feel like it.

The first time we did it we were living together a few days already and I knew it was going to happen anytime soon.
James obviously wanted that and for me, it was only weeks after Mom's death, so maybe it was more an attempt to ease the pain, or to distract my mind. Also a part of me thought I had to please James because he did so much for me.

So I cooked dinner, put on my best underwear and read up on the Internet how to make it feel good. James did some pre-drinking with the boys. We had sex in the end, but he was half drunk. It was rushed and he fell asleep right after. It did not hurt; that was good, but it's an acquired taste, I guess. With time it got better.

But enough with this, I need to prepare. Fiona comes over tonight to work on a project.

Now we can finally work at my place too. James never liked it when I brought someone over and I didn't want to expose her to his mood. And I was also low key embarrassment about how the apartment looked compared to her parents' really nice house. Not that Fee minds; she is actually really cool in this regard and so many others, like that fact that she fought for keeping this friendship after her parents told her I am bad news.

"Malik is annoying me to get Tinder and meet someone," I comment on the side.

"And why don't you?" She says it so nonchalantly it hits me.

"What good would it do? I like my life now and I am very busy."

"Well it is indeed better than before, but happiness is only true when shared, or so they say. You could try. I got a few dates out of there. Most terrible but it boosted my self-esteem. And you need to acquire some game and experience; you never really dated. "

What did I just do. I should never have started this.

"Come on. Nobody wants to be lonely."

"Not everybody wants a relationship."

"No, but you do. I know you enough to say that. You were in a train wreck yet you still tried to save yours with James. You are full of love to give. It is what us, Nate."

"I am not getting the support and understanding I hope for, so let's go back to work," I say, changing the subject.

"Ok, fine. Did you hear that the assignment for next semester will be the restoration of a Russian eighteenth-century vila. In actual Russia."

"Sounds awesome indeed."

"Yes, there is an actual owner, a British lady that bought that thing or so. It is rumored she will fly the teams whose ideas she likes most to Rusia to see the place and prepare part two. That is an awesome point to have in one's CV. "

"It sounds dreamy. I have never been outside of London. Would so digg it. You say she pays for the trip?"

"Yup."

"Cool, I might do some early research. Makes my palms tingle. I have an interview tomorrow, have I told you?"

"No. What office?"

"Two old guys that need somebody to help them out with drawing digitally."

"Hmm.."

"Yeah, I know what you are thinking. Our colleagues are doing internships with big names. But these guys would pay actual money and they seem really sweet."

After finishing the assignment Fee leaves and I am left dreaming of Russian Baroque and other stuff...

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Me trying to shorten the chapters but they are still long. 😂

What do you think so far?

Who do you like? Who don't you like?