04

I PRESS MY HANDS into both sides of the porcelain sink, cold water running down my cheeks like ice. Whew. Okay. Breathe.

You can breathe, Elliot.

That's the voice of my therapist, or my mom, or someone else who's talked me down from one of my many panic attacks over the years. I listen to it, 'cause it's right—I can breathe. It's just a matter of opening my lungs and letting the air in.

I shut my eyes, inhale deep into my diaphragm, then let it all out. When I open my eyes, I'm staring back at myself in the hotel bathroom mirror, the half-light creating a shadow along half my red face. Chatter from the room penetrates the door, but I block it out. It's fine. I can handle this.

I just never thought I'd see Lucy Pembroke in person ever again.

In my defence, I kept it pretty cool out there—I've learned how to smile at a camera and keep myself at least semi-poised during interviews, so when I saw her, and my brain registered it really was her, I pretended there was a camera on me. Don't look like an idiot in front of the camera, dumbass.

Now I'm alone and all the feelings are flooding in, over my head like saltwater. I keep myself grounded, focused on the cold porcelain under my palms.

If years of therapy have taught me anything, it's that I can't hide from things. Especially my emotions, and especially when they get intense. I need to face them, accept them, let them in.

But I don't even know how I feel right now. Just confused. 'Cause she looked like something out of a dream I thought I left behind.

I have to talk to her, right? We don't know each other anymore, but Lucy was a huge part of my life once. I can't pretend I never knew her. At the same time, I dread it. Sure, it's been years, but embarrassment still squeezes my throat, 'cause in the few short months Lucy knew me, she saw the absolute worst in me.

The image of shattered ceramic on the tile floor of my parents' kitchen makes my heart squeeze. My pulse begins to pound—the threat of another panic attack—so I take another deep breath, lock eyes with myself in the mirror, and hold it all together.

I've come a long way since then.

I can do this.

* * *

I wade through the crowded room of unfamiliar faces, limping with my crutches as I search for any sign of Lucy. Some people glance at me as I push through, and I keep a friendly face on, but God, I wish both my legs worked properly so I could hustle. There's still a good few weeks of healing before I'll get there.

That Nora girl is on stage at The Safe Way Home's setup, talking to a group of people. Lauren's at the front, jotting down notes on a pad. No sign of Lucy. Did she leave because of me? I hope not. If anything, I should leave, but now that I know we're in the same space, I have to talk to her. If I don't, I'll spiral and feel guilty, like I'm running from my past, when I'm not. Not anymore.

I reach the windows, still no sign of her. She probably left. I wouldn't blame her—maybe I want to face her, but that doesn't mean she wants to face me.

It's probably for the best anyway. I glance across the room at Lauren, still caught up in Nora's presentation, and feel a stab of guilt. She doesn't even know Lucy is technically my ex.

Discouraged and annoyed, I glance over at the buffet table next to me. There's a bowl full of ice and beers, so I reach for one and pop off the tab. Might as well try to relax and enjoy the event, especially if Lucy left. I take a long, cool swig of wheat beer, then face the windows.

The reflections from the bright lights in here make it hard to see through the glass, but when I focus my eyes, I can make out the world outside. The clear night sky sits on top of Godfrey's skyline, and I'm momentarily comforted by the navy blue, my favourite colour.

Then, off to the right, I see her.

Lucy leans against the balcony railing outside. Her brown hair flutters off her face in the wind, giving a rare view of her forehead under her bangs. She's still here. Which means I have no reason to avoid her.

I take another big breath and head to the balcony door. I push it open with my shoulder, and a cool night breeze wafts over my unnecessarily warm face. The fresh oxygen helps ease my beating heart, and the moment the door closes behind us, it fully traps the chatter in. Finally, silence.

She doesn't notice me at first. As she leans her elbows over the railing, I steal a glance at the way her figure fills out her black dress. I've never seen Lucy in something so form-fitting. Only either in baggy clothes, jeans with oversized flannel shirts, or naked. There's a soft curve to her hips that wasn't there when we were kids, and she has some tone on her arms. She looks healthy, and I'm happy to see that.

The moment my stupid crutch scrapes against the ground, Lucy turns. I freeze up, like I did inside when we locked eyes.

"Hey," she says, her voice tight. A round, silver moon hangs above her like a painting. She gestures toward the door behind me. "I can go—"

"No, stay," I say, then hobble my way toward her.

Lucy swallows, but stays put. She watches me curiously as I close the distance between us, then lean my crutch to the side. I support my weight on the balcony railing and stare out at the city, same way she just was. After a moment, Lucy joins me.

She doesn't look at me, but I look at her. She's exactly the same, with her cute button nose and freckles and bangs straight across her forehead. Her figure's filled out and all that, but seeing her up close reminds me that she's still the Lucy I once knew. My heart lurches.

I have a girlfriend. I'm loyal. This isn't about old teenage dreams or whatever-the-fuck—it's just about facing her. Facing my past.

"I was wondering if you'd come talk to me," Lucy says, her soft voice nostalgic.

I shift my weight. "Were you hoping I wouldn't?"

"I never said that. I just didn't know if you'd want to."

"Of course I want to," I say, trying to keep things light. "I mean, I totally never thought I'd see you again, but if you're right here..."

A frown forms on Lucy's face as she turns away, and I have no idea what she's thinking. Then again, I never knew with her. I take a sip of my beer, and Lucy eyes it with disapproval.

"You're drinking?" she asks.

"One or two, sometimes," I say.

I get why she asked. The last time Lucy saw me drink, I'd had a manic episode, asked her to marry me, and ended up in the hospital. It's an instant reminder of how she remembers me—'cause that's who I was when she knew me. An emotional wreck full of teenage confusion and hormones. Of course I couldn't handle my booze.

But I'm twenty-three now, and I know my limits. Which really is one or two, and not very often.

Lucy turns back to the skyline. "I have one or two sometimes too."

"Yeah? You want me to grab you one?"

She lets out a small scoff and turns away from me. "Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"Act like this isn't weird."

I laugh. "It wasn't, till you just made it."

That's a lie. It's weird as hell. I've imagined how I might talk to Lucy if I ever saw her again before, and I guess I thought I'd just show her how levelled and happy I am. Stable. Healthy. All that. I don't want her to know my chest's tingling and my pulse is—for whatever reason—beating in my left eyebrow, of all places, and it's distracting me.

"Sorry," Lucy murmurs, and my eyes snap to her. She wears a slight pout on her face as she averts her gaze. "That was a crappy thing to say."

I smile, slightly more at ease around her. "It's all good. I mean, you're not wrong, it is weird."

We fall quiet. My elbows rest on the railing, my beer bottle hanging over the balcony. Below us, twenty stories and a street that looks more like a thin line. I'm the one who came out here, but I don't know what to say—my mind draws a blank.

Then, Lucy says, "Why didn't you ever text?"

"I didn't think I was supposed to." It's true. I mean, things ended, pretty clear-cut between us.

She nods. "Neither did I."

I turn my body more toward her. I've always wondered this, and now's my chance to get an answer: "But you followed me on Instagram. Or, your charity page did, so I always assumed it was you."

For the first time tonight, Lucy's lips quirk. "Well, I wanted you to know I was doing the thing."

I laugh a little. "I was pretty stoked to see it. As I'm sure you know, I did the thing too." Apparently she even watches my games, according to her friend. The thought of her seeing me play over the years, even from a phone screen, makes my heart swell. That's super sweet of her, even if she never wanted me to know, which I could kinda tell from her reaction.

"Yeah, no shit," Lucy says with a slight laugh. I laugh too, and finally, things feel at least a little bit more natural. Lucy reluctantly turns to me. "Seriously, El, you're doing really well. Sorry about your foot or whatever."

El. Ugh. I didn't think it'd hurt to hear her call me that, but it does.

I play it cool and look down at my cast. "Yeah, well, it's whatever. I mean, it's not, and I'm missing out on a shitload of practice and games, but shit happens."

We fall silent again, and Lucy glances back into the event. "So that journalist—that's your girlfriend?"

I clam up at the mention of her. Lucy and I dated forever ago, but it's still awkward to talk about my current girlfriend. "Yeah, that's Lauren," I say.

"How long have you been together?"

I rub the back of my neck. "Almost a year now. It's going well. She's been taking care of me while I'm recovering from my injury and all that. I think you'd like her, she cares a lot about the truth when it comes to her work."

"Does she know about us?"

Her bluntness gives me whiplash, even though I should expect that from Lucy. "Honestly, no. It never came up, and I didn't think I'd run into you."

"Yeah," Lucy murmurs, "I didn't either. I never told anyone."

"Same." I laugh awkwardly. "Just my therapist. You know how it is." After this, I'll have to tell Lauren though. Omitting something from my past is one thing, straight-up lying about the girl I'm talking to on the balcony is another.

"But you're happy, right?" Lucy asks. She looks up at me intensely, keeping our gazes locked for the first time.

It's a simple question, but a big one for someone like me, especially the version of me Lucy last saw in that hospital all those years ago. But when I think about those years, all the highs and lows, I've gotta say, there's been more highs as I've gotten older.

"Yeah, Lucy, I'm happy. I mean, I get to play hockey for a living. I love the guys on my team. I've had a lot of shitty moments, a lot of times where we've lost and I've felt like the world's crashing on my head, but I get through it. Right now, I'm just trying to stay positive through this injury so I can come back with a vengeance."

Lucy's eyes crinkle. "Good. I'm really happy to hear that, El."

"What about you?" I resist the urge to playfully knock her shoulder. "Are you happy?"

She opens her mouth to reply when a knock sounds behind us. We both turn to see Lauren, her gaze narrowed on me. She shrugs and gives me a confused scowl, then gestures for me to come back in before she storms off.

Oh, no—I've pissed her off. Probably 'cause I disappeared to the bathroom, and now I'm out here talking to someone who, as far as Lauren knows, is just a random girl. Lauren and I don't fight much, but when she's upset with me, it's palpable and puts me into panic-and-fix-it mode.

And even though I'm enjoying catching up with Lucy, Lauren's my girlfriend. Her feelings have to come first.

I shoot Lucy an apologetic look, but she's already turned away like she gets it.

"It was really nice catching up with you, Lucy." I grab my crutches and begin the hobble back inside. "And hey, I'm really glad you're doing well. You look great. Have a good night, okay?"

She says nothing, so I turn to head inside.

"El?" Lucy's voice chimes, just as I'm reaching the door.

I freeze. The way she says my name still tugs on my heart, but I remind myself that's just a memory. Old feelings. Nothing more.

"Yeah?" I say.

She peers back at me over her shoulder, and her full lips curve into a smile again. "It was nice seeing you too. Take care of yourself, okay?"

I smile back. "Thanks Luce. You too." 

* * *

A/N: FINALLYYY the moment we've all been waiting for... but we're only at the beginning. So much more to happen. So much ~spice~ 😏

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