Namjoon

The drive back to the dorm is silent.

Ash has long since stopped crying and she's looking out of the window, her hands firmly clasped together in her lap. There's so much space between us, it scares me.

I have no idea what to think. I don't know what happened to her, why she broke like that, but I'm guessing it has something to do with the questions that Junseo was asking. Just thinking of his name makes me want to tell the driver to turn around and go back, so that I can give him a piece of my mind.

I'm so scared that I've done something wrong, that's upset her or that I've misspoken. The words I said barely two hours ago, keep playing over and over in my head and I'm scouring them for anything that could be offensive or upsetting.

Or maybe, it's something else that she hasn't told you about, and you just triggered it for her.

I try and distract myself by staring out of the other window, focusing on the setting sun and I desperately want to look at Ash, but I'm afraid that just doing that might set her off. I hate this feeling of insecurity, the emotion bubbling up in me, completely out of my control.

Nearly 20 minutes later, we arrive outside the dorm and Ash gets out with out a word. We walk in through the back entrance and make our way to the front door. I stay a few feet behind her, not wanting to annoy her in any way, as she unlocks the door with her keys. Six faces turn towards us, Pokémon on the tv, but Ash just brushes past, not even saying hello. I follow her, giving the rest of the group an apologetic look and I walk up the stairs, reaching the bedroom door, which is wide open. I step inside, shutting the door quietly and then I turn around, to find Ash sitting at the end of the bed, looking at me.

"We need to talk."

If there's ever a sentence that someone in a relationship should fear, it's this one. I swallow my anxiety and watch as she pats the space beside her, gesturing for me to come sit next to her. I move across the room slowly and cautiously take a seat beside her.

"I'm sorry for exploding like that." She starts and I'm painfully aware of the space between us, "First of all, you didn't do anything wrong."

"I-I didn't?" I ask, confused. I was convinced I had done something wrong.

Ash shakes her head, "No, you didn't. Secondly, I'm sorry I haven't talked to you about this sooner."

"You don-"

"Just let me speak." She cuts me off, but her tone isn't harsh or aggravated, "I need to get this out now, otherwise I feel like I might lose the courage."

I sit there and wait for her to speak.

"You know I was friends with Yoongi, way before I started working at Big Hit, right?" I nod my head, "Well, Yoongi and I met when we both went to a talk about producing music or something like that. I forget the details of what it was really about, but what matters, is that I met Yoongi there. We became friends and when I went back to the Uk, we kept in touch. He was the first person I told about my company."

I sense that the story is really starting now, as Ash tucks a strand of golden hair behind her ear, something which I've noticed she does when she's nervous.

"Before I came to Big Hit, I was working for another music company. Most of the staff and producers there were male, but there were a few women as well. I was the highest paid woman and every male producer got at least double my salary. They treated all of the women as inferior beings. In fact, most of my music was released under varying different male producers names. I was just told by my boss to suck it up and to do as I was told."

I resist the urge to pull Ash into a hug, as she pauses for a second, before continuing.

"The male producers and staff called me inappropriate things and were allowed to get away with it. My studio was the janitors closet, which I shared with a bunch of mops and brooms." She chuckles emotionlessly, "At least I got a studio. The other female producers didn't get anything. I didn't realise how toxic a place it was, until Yoongi told me that it wasn't right. It took a lot of convincing and several long arguments with JJ, to make me realise that I was being treated wrongly. I handed in my resignation and left, sending out applications to other music companies. Big Hit was the one to accept and invite me over for an interview."

Ash turns towards me, her eyes sparkling with emotion and she heaves in a heavy sigh.

"Junseo asking those questions, implying that I only got my job at Big Hit because I had slept around with you and the rest of the members, just brought back some memories I thought I had control over. Somehow Junseo knew about my father and my family, which is something that I've never released online. No information about my family is public, apart from my surname, but that's it."

She stops talking for a second, looking away and seemingly debating with herself on whether to carry on speaking. I gather up my strength and move slightly closer to her, still not daring to touch her, just in case.

"My father left my mother before I was born," She eventually says, having decided to carry on, "He was Korean and he came to the Uk to travel. He met my mother, who was fluent in Korean, having studied it at university. They dated for a bit and somewhere along the line, I was created. But when my mother told him that she was pregnant, he left her and went back to Korea. My mother was all alone during her pregnancy, except for her sister who took it upon herself to be my mother's servant. When I was born, my mother didn't want me to forget my heritage, so she gave me Korean lessons as well as English ones. When I made friends with JJ, she started learning too, hence both of us are pretty fluent in Korean."

Ash brushes another lock of hair behind her ear, sighing quietly. This has evidently been weighing her down for a while.

"I've always wondered whether my father left because he wasn't ready to have a child or because he didn't want one. Some part of me wants to find him and get closure, but I've been searching for years and I've never found anything. All I know, is that he's somewhere here, in Korea, but that's it." She stops, eyes finding mine again, "So I'm sorry I shouted at you and I'm sorry that I'm only telling you all of this now."

The clarity and emotion in her eyes is almost begging me to forgive her, as if she's done something terribly wrong. Now that I know what she's gone through and why she reacted like that, I don't blame her, even though I didn't before.

"You don't need to be sorry." I say softly, but she shakes her head.

"Don't go all forgiving on me, Kim Namjoon. Tell me how you really feel. I saw the hurt in your eyes, I saw how you stepped back." Ash says back and I give her a gentle smile.

"I was hurt at the time, because having you reject me is something completely new. I'm so used to touching you, being close to you, that I didn't expect you to reject me. But now that you've told me what you were going through, I'm not upset. I wasn't upset with you before, it was more at myself, since I thought I had done something wrong and upset you. I love you and no scar will change that, physical or internal."

Ash looks ready to cry again, tears shining in her eyes. Silently, they spill over and down her cheeks, and this time I'm sure of myself. I reach out with a hand and cup her face, relishing the feel of her warm skin, the pad of my thumb brushing away the water on her cheeks.

"Y-You can't just forgive me l-like that." She says, whilst simultaneously leaning her cheek further against my hand.

"I can and I will." I reply, feeling steadier and stronger, Ash's heartbeat like an echo of my own, which I can feel through our bond.

"J-Joon." She says, but I carry on speaking.

"Do you know what part of you I fell in love with first?" She shakes her head, "Your eyes. You have such beautiful blue eyes, but what really struck me was how truthful they are. I can read your emotions so clearly through you eyes and the honesty in the colour catches me off guard every time. You were and will be the only person I ever fall in love with. And nothing's going to change that. I know it sounds cheesy, but the planet could be destroyed and I wouldn't stop loving you."

She laughs softly at the last sentence, her tears already drying up. My heart races at the sight of her smile, and how relieved and happy she looks.

"You're amazing." Ash says.

"No, you're amazing."

"No, you're amazing."

"No-" I go to argue back again, but Ash leans forwards, pressing a small kiss to my lips, which effectively shuts me up. The brilliant joyful light taking over her eyes makes a smile rise to my lips.

"Ash?"

"Yes Joon?"

"Can I kiss you?"

She just chuckles at my words and nods her head. The next second, I'm devouring her mouth, her arms looped around my neck. This kiss is passionate, my lips nipping desperately at hers, needing to make sure that she's actually there and that this isn't a dream. She sighs against my mouth contentedly, kissing me back with the same fervour. Soon enough, we're pulling back for air, her face flushed with a pretty pink haze.

"Ash?"

"Hmm?" She hums happily.

"Can I kiss you again?"

She's barely finished nodding her head, when I start to kiss her again. But instead of capturing her lips, I attack her neck, pressing open mouthed kisses to her skin. Ash giggles as I make my way up her neck and then start to kiss along her jaw. When I reach her mouth again, I'm surprised by the force of which she kisses me. Ash kisses me so hard, I almost fall backwards, her mouth heavenly against mine. I feel reassured and safe in her arms, glad that we've managed to make it through together. I shudder as Ash's hands delve under my shirt, fingertips brushing against my abdomen. There's something playful and possessive about the way she's kissing me, and I'm loving it. Her fingers skim over my abs and she pulls away, staring at me wide eyed, hands still exploring.

"You've really been working out, haven't you?" Ash comments and I feel inexplicably proud.

"Why are you so surprised, since you've been ogling my muscles for a while?" I taunt back and she blushes, retorting indignantly by removing her hands from under my shirt and crossing her arms.

"I mentioned it one time!" She says and I grin at her slightly flustered tone.

I shift even closer to her, my hands stroking up the sides of her arms.

"You know how I love you?"

Ash nods her head, "Yes?"

"Well, I do. I really love you." I place a light kiss to the corner of her mouth.

"You're so adorable," She mutters under her breath and kisses me again, "But I think we freaked out the guys by ignoring them."

"What do you want to do then?" I ask, pressing a kiss to her cheek.

"Well," She says, smiling at me, "I was thinking about a Game night. As both an apology and something to get my mind off that disaster of an interview."

I smile, "We don't have to do a Game night. I have plenty of ways to distract you."

She raises an eyebrow at me, blushing madly, "And what might those be?"

I hold back a smirk.

"We could watch a movie or do something else......" I let my tone drop into something huskier at the last two words and Ash quickly rises to her feet.

"Right, well, Game night it is then." She pulls me to my feet, not looking at me directly in the eye, her face now nearly entirely red. I grin at how flustered I've made her.

"Now who's the adorable one...." I mutter under my breath, as we walk out of our bedroom.

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{It is never too late to be what you might have been - George Eliot}

QOTD: Favourite BTS solo song?

Mine is V's Singularity. His performance of it is stunning.

Alys xx