As you may have guessed from the title of this chapter, Ocean Eyes is officially coming to a close.

I realised as I was driving home with my mother today that I don't need this book anymore. Originally, I started Ocean Eyes so that I could say things that I couldn't tell anyone. I started it to help myself cope with the loss of both of the girls I loved, and the inevitable trauma that came with that. However, as I watched endless fields flashing by in my side mirror this afternoon and as I felt my hands that were steady and confident on the steering wheel, I realised how far I've come. Only a few months ago, I couldn't have been trusted behind the steering wheel of even the most reliable car. Now, I can drive myself and my mother home from a town thirty minutes away, going at a steady speed of sixty miles per hour. 

When I began Ocean Eyes, I was traumatised, broken, and bruised by Jenna, my first love. She stripped me of my innocence and helped me get started in the unbreakable cycle known as self-harm, a cycle that I am still caught in to this very day. Jenna changed me in so many ways, including some ways that are too painful for me to even think about, let alone write about or talk about. In every way possible, Jenna shaped who I am today.

Jordan came to me when I was at my weakest and picked me up off of the floor and gave me a home. I had never known that kind of kindness before. She was the first girl to treat me like I was worth anything. Jordan gave me some of the happiest memories of my life, and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. When we broke up, it was like life was laughing in my face. It ridiculed me for being so stupid, trusting another person and letting them break my heart. To say that it was difficult to get past this would be a gross understatement.

However, I am proud to say that I am past it. For two years, the 27th of every month was difficult for me. For two years, I had a hard time not thinking of what could have been every time I looked at Jordan. For two years, there wasn't a night that she wasn't the last person on my mind. But now, after nearly three years, I can truly say that I have moved on. Jordan is and will always be my best friend, and I love her with all of my heart, but I am no longer in love with her. 

As for Jenna, I can also proudly say that while I do still carry some scars, she is not as ever-present in my life as she once was. That doesn't mean that I've healed completely, and to be honest, I don't believe I ever will. Just the other day, a friend of mine jokingly put me in a chokehold, and I almost had a panic attack. I found myself begging, which is something that I haven't done in a long, long time. I didn't recognise the voice that pleaded with him to let me go. I also realised after he had released me (apologising profusely, of course) that I was crying, and I don't cry. It was a flashback to that time that I was with Jenna, and if I was to say that it didn't fuck me up for days afterwards, I would be lying. 

Despite this, I can say that I am more healed than I have ever been. I no longer flinch when someone touches me unexpectedly, and play-hits from those that I trust don't scare me anymore, either. My psyche is much better than it used to be. I'm still pretty screwed in the head, but I'm not living in a constant state of fight-or-flight anymore. The last time that I had a nightmare about Jenna was the night after my friend accidentally dredged things up again, and true, honest-to-god PTSD flashbacks are, hopefully, a thing of the past. I'm not completely healed, but I am well on my way.

I could finish this book, make it complete; I could write about realising that I was falling out of love with Jordan and how utterly terrifying that was. I could write about the final breakup with Jenna, over the phone at my house, and how I didn't eat or talk to anyone for days afterwards. I could write about unspeakable things that happened to me over that summer with Jenna and I could write about warm, fuzzy, happy memories of my time with Jordan.

But I'm not going to. I'm not going to because, after three long, difficult years, I can finally say that I am no longer in love with anyone.

I don't need Ocean Eyes anymore. 

Thank you to everyone who enjoyed this book. A special thank you to those of you that commented and voted on it. (I am talking to you, Des!) The support of readers like you helped get me through that hard time. You are truly wonderful souls and I hope that you are happy, because you deserve to be. 

I hope that everyone in the world is happy, because everyone in the world deserves to be.

No one deserves to live in fear. No one deserves to be miserable.

I hope that this book has helped increase awareness for domestic violence. It is truly a horrible thing, and it's one of the many things in life that there are no easy answers to. If you ever find yourself in a situation akin to mine, please do yourself a favour and get out. I know how hard it is; believe me, I know. But you don't deserve to be treated like that.

I will leave you, my amazing readers, with a quote that goes out to anyone who is currently in an abusive relationship, courtesy of my favourite movie, Reviving Ophelia: 

"I know you love them. You're not stupid for loving them. But do you really want to be treated that way?"

Thank you again for all of your support and love for this book and for me. I love you all so, so, so much. A million thank-yous could never fully convey the gratitude that I feel for you.

All my love,

Em