For the inspiration of this chapter, you should listen to the song Already Gone by Sleeping At Last

"Mom?"

As if your acknowledgment of her was permission, the woman took a step into the hospital room. You sat backward, pulling the blanket higher up, your jaw tightening.

Your mom smiled even wider, the water shimmering in her brilliantly colored eyes. You narrowed your eyes.

"It's me, sweetie." She uncurled a perfectly painted hand from around her clutch and extended it toward you. When you flinched away, your mother's smile dropped.

"Ma'am," the nurse said as she watched your expression.

"Elma, dear-"

"Don't call me that," you said, your voice shaking. The nurse glanced between you and your mother, who had gone suddenly rigid. You kept her cold, hard gaze. Eventually, she looked down at her kitten heels, tapping her toes gently against the tile.

"Can I have a moment alone with my daughter please?" Your mother asked the nurse. Eyes wide, you looked at the woman in the doorway. When the nurse looked at you, you shook your head ever so slightly. She sighed.

"Two minutes." The nurse turned and closed the door behind her.

With that, the nurse left you with the second to last person you ever wanted to see. Instead of looking back at her, you turned your face toward the wall, refusing to let her see your face. You didn't want to give her the satisfaction of seeing you cry.

"You've grown so much," she said as she lowered herself into the chair that Ms. Lana had just been sitting in. You squeezed your eyes tight, nose starting to burn. She sighed as you tried to keep your breathing steady. "I know you're angry-"

You spun around to face her, suddenly no longer caring that she could see the tears in your eyes.

"Angry?" She seemed absolutely unphased by your outburst. "Angry? I am so beyond angry."

"I did what I had to do for my health, sweetie, I'm sure you can understand that."

"Your health?" You choked out before gasping in a few short breaths. "What about Kid? Huh? What about his health?"

What about me?

"Leaving you and your brother was the biggest regret of my life." Her voice broke as she shook her head. You watched a tear roll down her cheek and you scoffed.

"Then why did you?"

Your mother clucked her tongue, shifting her lips as she looked away from you.

"I couldn't stand to look at your father after what he did. And, honestly, I couldn't look at you either. Just picturing...." She closed her eyes and took in a deep breath. "Do you have any idea what that did to me?"

"To you? You weren't the one who was raped, Mom!"

"I couldn't stand to look at your father after what he had done," your mother repeated, her voice tighter. "And I couldn't live with the fact that you didn't tell me that your...your baby's father was Gerald."

You lifted your good hand to shield your eyes in hopes that she wouldn't see you cry. Pressure squeezed at your chest, making it hard to breathe. Tears rolled off of your eyelashes like rain, hitting your hospital gown.

"Mom...."

"I'm sure it never would have happened anyway if you didn't rile him up so often."

"You said it wasn't my fault," you sobbed, shaking your head as you tried to get one good breath into your lungs. You were already feeling lightheaded. "You told me it wasn't my fault."

"It doesn't matter what I said then." She waved her hand through the air as if erasing everything that had happened. "I left because I had to be away from you and your father, but I'm here now."

"What about Kid?" You asked, finally lifting your head and dropping your hand. "You left him too, remember? He was only nine! He needed a mother and you abandoned him just like you abandoned me."

For the first time since she stepped into your room, you saw a hint of real emotion pass across her face.

"That's why I'm here now," she said. "For Kid."

"What?"

"I got a call late last night about your father. They aren't going to let either of you live with him ever again, even if they do find him. I got on the first flight I could to come down here." You narrowed your eyes, trying to figure out what exactly she was trying to say to you. "I won't let my son go into the foster system. I'm taking him back to New York with me."

You waited for her to tell you that she was kidding. You almost felt yourself laugh, a smile tugging at your lips. There was no way. No way she was going to take your baby brother away from you. But when she didn't take it back, her eyes telling you that no, she wasn't kidding.

Your smile dropped, heart falling with it. You shook your head as your mouth went suddenly dry.

"You...you can't do that," you said. "No, he doesn't know who you are!"

"I am his mother!" She shouted, standing from the chair. There it was again. Real emotion. But however angry she was, it paled in the light of the storm that was you.

"You are nothing to him," you snarled, leaning forward as your entire body trembled with rage. "I was his mother. I held him when he cried. I stepped between him and Dad when things got violent. I made him lunch for school and bought him ice cream and taught him how to swim. Me, not you. You left. You are a horrible mother!"

You should have seen the backhand coming. Still, you yelped when her knuckles struck your cheek. You could feel her ring tear through your skin. Touching your cheek, you felt it sting. There was blood on your fingers when you pulled your hand back.

When you looked up again, still seething from anger, you could see that your mom was trying to compose herself.

"I'm taking Bradford with me to New York. And that's final." She paused and for a moment you thought she wasn't going to say anything else. "But you can come. You are more than welcome to stay here and go into foster care, if that's what you want. The choice is yours. We're leaving tomorrow."

With that, the woman turned around and left the room.

You stared after her, mouth hanging open. Even though you had been seconds from tears before, now you found your eyes dry. The nurse came by, refusing to look at you, and shut the door. Your lips twitched as you tried to form a word to say, any word, but there was nothing. Just nothing.

Your breathing grew more and more sporadic with each second until it felt like you were barely breathing at all.

The scream started in your gut, boiling deep inside until it felt like your stomach was on fire. It crawled up your throat until it was resting on the tip of your tongue. You tried to keep your jaw screwed shut so it wouldn't burst forth like the beast it was, but you could only manage it for so long.

Hands curling around the blankets on your bed, you opened your mouth and let your rage explode. It tore through you like a hurricane, shaking your entire body. Even when the nurses came running in, your screaming didn't cease.

She was doing it again, turning your life upside down. For a few seconds, you had actually managed to convince yourself that things were going to be better. That woman was gone from your life and so was your dad. You could live with Kid and Ms. Lana and be happy. For once in your goddamn life, you were going to get a break.

Then she walks right back into your life as if nothing had happened and you were drowning again, fighting for your life as you swam for the surface.

But which way was up?

Follow Kid and your mother to New York. Stay with your brother, protect him like you had always done. You promised to keep him safe, no matter what. You promised him you would always be there. But you would be living with the woman who blamed you for your own rape, who abandoned you when you needed her most.

Stay here with Ms. Lana. You would have Pope, Kie, and JJ at least. Sarah and John B too if things went well. You would be surrounded by people who loved you and cared for you and made you feel like life was worth living. But you would abandon your brother with a woman who was incapable of loving anyone but herself. You would abandon him to a life of misery. You couldn't smile and laugh and feel loved when your brother was living in hell.

The choice was clear, but you didn't know if you had the strength to make it.

The nurses tried to hold you down, but you could barely control it anymore. You twisted and writhed and pulled and punched and kicked, your screams never once calming down.

"Watch the stitches!" One nurse called out.

Damn the stitches!

You wanted to tear everyone on this island apart for failing you and your brother so badly. You wanted to tear yourself apart for letting yourself think that happiness was an option. You wanted to tear your mother apart for waltzing back into your life and ruining what you had fought so hard for.

"El!" You heard the voice of an angel through your torrent of shrieks. "You're okay, darling!"

"Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to leave," one of the nurses said, turning toward the door. But just hearing Ms. Lana's voice was calming. Slowly, your screaming dissolved into sobs. You no longer kicked, no longer lashed out with your arms. The nurses stepped back, not entirely sure what had changed. Sobbing, you curled your legs up to your chest.

Ms. Lana shoved her way through the nurses to reach you. She stroked the side of your face while you sobbed, breathing ragged and tears running mercilessly down your cheeks. The nurses slowly backed out of the room as Ms. Lana whispered quiet, loving things.

"You're safe now," she whispered, but you shook your head.

You weren't safe anywhere anymore. Everywhere you turned, there were wolves waiting to devour you. Your entire life had been choosing between two horrible choices and you couldn't take it anymore. You just wanted a moment to breathe.

But trying to breathe only made it worse. You wanted nothing more than to stay in this fetal position until you just...faded away. Tucking your face under your arms, you wished silently to yourself that JJ hadn't found you last night. That you had bled out and died in that bathtub.

No. No, you didn't want that. You couldn't. Kid still needed you. He needed you to be strong, like you always were. He couldn't do this without you and you couldn't bear to live without him. He wouldn't understand why your mom left and why she was back now. Kid needed you because you were more his mother than that woman was. And you would not leave him like she did.

Your eyes started to dry. You licked your lips, tasting the salt of your tears. Lifting your head and closing your eyes, you took deep, calming breaths in through your nose. Ms. Lana's hand fell from your face, watching as you shoved away the pain and the fear and the anger.

Everything you had ever done had been for Kid. You would not stop now. Your throat was raw as you swallowed. Every fear, every worry, every regret, every shred of hatred and anger was shoved deep into your stomach.

Opening your eyes, you wiped your cheeks with your hand and then blew your nose on your sheet. Ms. Lana just stared at you, her eyes full of worry. How you had gone from screaming to sobbing to almost perfectly fine in seconds was beyond her.

You sat up and folded your hands in your lap. You turned to Ms. Lana, ignoring the look of concern on her face.

"Will you go get my mother?" You asked her, your voice torn from your screams. Ms. Lana nodded her head, but reached out to take her hand.

"El-"

"Please," you said, your tone firm. "I just need to see my mother."

Ms. Lana nodded again and slid off the edge of your bed, headed for the door. You watched her leave, wondering if that was the last time you were ever going to see her.

When your mother walked back into the room, she was smiling again, even though you could see irritation etched into her features.

"I've made my choice," you said before she could open her mouth. She shifted, her smile wobbling.

"So quickly?"

You nodded your head, trying to build up the courage to actually say it, praying that your voice wouldn't break.

"I'm coming with you."

You hated the victorious grin that exploded onto her face. She walked forward and threw her arms around you and you stiffened. The last thing you wanted to do was touch this woman

"I love you so much, Sweetie. You know that, right?" She peppered your forehead with kisses. You saw another wave of fake tears in her eyes as she pulled away. You pressed your fingers into the scar on your palm. "The family, back together."

"We aren't a family," you said, forcing yourself to keep the tears at bay.

No, you had a family already. A family of kids who taught you how to live, a woman who acted more your mother than the person standing before you, a brother who kept you alive, a boy who tasted like the ocean and alcohol.

Your mother dropped her nice act and pursed her lips.

"I won't have any talk like that under my roof, do you hear?" You didn't respond. You simply stared at her, eyes still stinging, throat sore. "I'll go talk to the doctor, get you out of here. Then we can pick Kid up from Lana's and go pack."

She walked away again, leaving you alone in your hospital room feeling hollow.

Slowly, you nodded your head, hoping to convince yourself that you had made the right decision.

***

Traffic was slow here, but it gave you a nice view of the ocean as your mother drove for the ferry.

Cradling your backpack in your lap, you pulled at the edges of the sweater you wore. JJ's sweater. The one he had given you at that party all those weeks ago. It felt like it had been years. So much had happened since then, you weren't entirely sure that it hadn't been.

Somehow, it still smelled like him.

You checked your phone, waiting for the signal to return so you could at least send a goodbye text to your friends.

Kid's hands shook in his lap. You reached out to take his hand, looking over at him with a smile. Aside from the backpack in your lap, you had one suitcase in the trunk and nothing else. That was all your mother had allowed you to take from the home you had lived in for 17 years.

"Why are we leaving?" Kid asked, his voice quiet as he leaned closer to you.

"Mom is taking us home with her," you whispered back. You glanced up to the front seat. She was watching you two through the rearview mirror. Kid pinched his eyebrows together, following your line of sight to look at the woman in the front. He clearly didn't recognize her.

Even before she left, she was barely ever around. You had been raising Kid since he was born. She abandoned you long before she even left Kildare.

"I don't want to leave," he said, lowering his voice even more. "I didn't get to say goodbye to Dex."

You brushed your thumb against his cheek, holding back the tears that brimmed your eyes. You hated the woman sitting in the front of your car for breaking your brother's heart. He deserved to at least say goodbye to his best friend.

"I know, Kid," you said. "I don't want to leave either."

Kid turned to look out the window, as if hoping to see Dex walking around. You closed your eyes and took in a deep, slow breath. Strength was what you needed now.

Goodbye wasn't something you were used to. The only person you ever had to leave was now sitting in the front of the car and you never even said goodbye to her. You never had friends to say goodbye to, and now that you did....

You wondered how other people did it. How they could be ripped away from everything they knew, from everyone they loved, and still carry on. But if they could do it, so could you.

You opened your eyes and looked out the window, your heart starting to soar.

"Stop the car," you said, pulling on the door handle.

"Elma, what-"

"Stop the car!"

Even before your mother had the chance to put her foot on the break, you had the door open and were stumbling out of it. You didn't listen to Kid or your mother as they called out for you because there was only one person in your sights.

"JJ!" You cried, hurtling toward him as fast as your legs would take you.

The blond haired boy you loved so deeply turned at the sound of your voice, a grin on his face. He didn't even have time to say your name back before you threw your arms around his neck, practically jumping into his arms.

"Ellie," he said with a laugh, holding you around the waist. "I was just on my way to see you at the hospital."

You pulled away from him, smiling up at him.

"I'm okay," you told him, voice shaking.

"John B and Sarah are okay," he told you, holding your hand in his. "They made it back. Ward confessed. He's locked up. They're still looking for Rafe but-"

"That's so good to hear," you said, letting your eyes close. With everything going on, you had somehow forgotten that your friend had been a fugitive running from the law.

"Ellie, I have to tell you something."

"I need to tell you something, too. It's really important. JJ, I-"

"No, I have to say it now," he said. "I didn't say it when I should have and after the other night, I wasn't sure I was going to get the chance to tell you ever."

"JJ-"

"I love you, Ellie." He put a hand against your face, taking another step closer to you. You let out a shaky breath. "I should have said it when you did the first time, but I was scared...."

"JJ, please." You shook your head, eyes starting to close.

"You make me feel something that I've never felt before...."

"JJ."

"And I thought I was going to lose that when I saw you in that bathtub-"

"Stop!" You took a step away from him, pulling your hands from his. He straightened, his eyebrows knitting together.

"Ellie, what-"

"We weren't ever going to work out," you said, forcing the tears in your eyes to dry. Break his heart completely, you told yourself. So that he can move on without holding onto you. Just, try not to break your own heart in the process. "Even if we fought until our dying breath, it never would have worked right."

"I don't get it," he said, shaking his head. "What are you saying?"

"I didn't want to hurt you, but this was inevitable." You clasped your hands together to keep them from shaking. "I want you to know that these last few weeks have been the best of my life. And you will always own my heart."

JJ's jaw tightened, finally seeing this for what it was. He turned his face away from you, closing his eyes as his hands flexed at his sides. You kept going.

"But this is the end." You almost broke, but fought to keep your tears and your desire to sob at bay. "I know this is harsh, but you'll find someone else, someone better for you. Someone who doesn't always make things complicated."

"I don't want anyone else," he said, turning to look at you with a fire in his eyes. Your lips shook when you opened your mouth to speak again.

"And I don't either but-"

"Then why are you doing this? We had a good thing going, didn't we?"

"The best. But I can't...." Your voice finally broke and you lifted your hand to cover your mouth.

"Ellie, just tell me what's going on." JJ moved toward you again, but you stepped away. This was proving to be a lot more difficult than you had hoped. "We can work this out-"

"My mom's taking Kid," you said, looking up. A few tears fell from your eyes. JJ looked taken aback. "She's taking him to New York and I'm going with them."

"Oh, god, Ellie," he looked up at the car you had just run out of, saw Kid with his head sticking out the window. You nodded your head, running your hand under your nose.

"We wanted a lot of things, JJ," you said, trying to get back on your speech. "But we can't have everything. We don't always get to win. You know that I love you and because I love you, I have to let you go. I'm leaving and you're staying. So, I'm cutting the chord. We end this here and now and maybe save ourselves a bunch of heartbreak for the future."

"You're overthinking things again," he said, shaking his head. "It doesn't have to be that complicated."

"Yes, it does, JJ," you snapped, taking another step away from him. "It doesn't matter how hard we try. One of us has to be brave, JJ."

"That's what this is?" He asked, throwing a hand in the air. "This is you be brave?"

"This is me trying to do what I think is best for everyone!"
"And you're the only one who gets to make that decision?" You let out a shaking breath, lowering your head to your hands. "I love you, Ellie. I'm not giving up that easy."

You looked up at him, jaw trembling.

"You were my one good thing," you told him, voice so broken that it barely came out above a whisper. "And you always will be. But we were always meant to say goodbye. So, this is goodbye. Forever."

JJ didn't say anything. Instead, he put his hand around your wrist and pulled you toward him, wrapped his arms around your neck.

"I have to go with them," you said against his chest, locking your arms around his waist. "You understand, right? I have to go with them."

Then the tears started to fall like rain. JJ held you even tighter.

"I understand."

"I can't leave him alone. Not with her."

"I understand."

You let him hold you for a few moments before you pulled away. You had every intention of running back to your car then, but JJ clearly had a different plan in mind.

Before you could fully leave his grip, he pulled you right back in, pressing his lips to yours.

It was like your first kiss at your dining room table. Just as intoxicating, just as wild as the sea. He lifted his hand to your cheek, electricity crackling between his fingertips and your skin. The current called for you, begging you to swim out to the sea and let yourself drown in his touch.

This was safe. Even despite the riptide and the storm that his touch ignited within you, this was still safer than anywhere else. Falling into JJ was easy, natural.

But it didn't matter how badly you wanted to stay, you couldn't. This time, you couldn't let JJ have you. No matter how much you wanted him.

You broke the kiss by stepping away. JJ let out a deep breath, slowly opening his eyes.

"I can't make you stay?"

You chewed on your lip, giving a small shake of your head.

"Unless you can find a way to make Kid stay." JJ glanced back at the car and lowered his head. "This is what's best."

"For who?" He looked back up at you. "For you?"

"For both of us," you said, voice tight. "We can both...move on. You can go back to your Pogues and your parties and your drinking and I'll-"

"You'll go back to pretending that nothing is wrong and sacrificing everything that makes you happy for your brother."

His words stung. You tightened your jaw.

"Yeah," you said, nodding slowly. "I'll go back to that."

He shook his head, brushing his nose with his thumb before putting his hands on his hips.

"This isn't right," he said. "She can't just take you!"

"She can," you told him, closing your eyes. "She can and she is."

"You're not even going to try and fight for us?" he asked. "After everything-"

"I'm tired of fighting, JJ!" You cried suddenly, putting your hands up to your head. "I've been fighting my entire life and I'm sick of it. I want to stay here with you, to be with you. But I can't. I can't. I have to go."

JJ watched you for a few moments, nodding his head slowly.

"Go, then." You nodded and took a step backward, not wanting to turn around but unsure of what else to say. "Hey, Ellie?"

You looked back him.

"Yeah?"

"I really do love you, you know."

You let out a shaking breath.

"I always knew," you told him. "Even when you didn't say it."

He almost smiled.

"You'll be safe?"

"New York is a scary place I've heard," you told him, trying to get him to smile even more. You wanted your last thought of him to be happy. "I'll be safe. No more treasure hunts for you and your friends, alright?"

"Sure," he said, his smile growing.

"You'll tell them why I left?" He nodded his head. With a shaking breath, you stepped forward and placed a kiss against his cheek. "I love you, too."

With that, you turned away from him, taking the first few steps back to the car hurriedly. You tried to keep yourself composed as you walked away, not wanting to break down while he could still see you, but you couldn't keep it together.

As soon as the tears started to fall from your eyes, you picked up your speed until you were running back to the car, running away from everything that you wanted. Just like you always did.

When you slid into the back seat, you were fighting for breath.

"Sweetie, I know it's hard-" Your mother reached back to take your hand, but you flinched away from her, looking at her with wide, terrified eyes. You shook your head at her, telling her not to speak to you. She was the last person you ever wanted to talk to again.

But the tears kept falling from your eyes, even as she started the car again. Kid unbuckled his seat belt and scooted closer to you, putting his arms around your neck and pulling you into a hug. You were hesitant to accept his hug, still wanting nothing more than to be strong for him. But you couldn't stop the onslaught of tears as they rolled from your eyes and Kid wasn't about to let you go while you cried.

"I have something for you," he whispered in your ear. You hiccuped and nodded your head, letting him go as he leaned over to grab his backpack. "It's the picture I went back to get from my room."

He pulled a book out of his backpack and flipped the cover open. Kid slid the picture out and handed it to you. The back was splattered with blood.

You looked at him with a scowl.

"I stole it from Dad," he said as you turned it over. Your heart jumped into your throat. "I didn't want to leave it behind."

It was one of the pictures Rafe had taken when he was stalking you and the Pogues. It wasn't any of the ones you had seen before.

In the picture, you, Kid, and the Pogues were on the beach, enjoying the sun. Kie and Kid were building a sandcastle. John B and Pope were scheming in the background. You remembered that day. The two boys cannonballed right into the castle. Kie screamed at them until her voice was raw, but Kid had just laughed about it. And there you and JJ were, watching the entire thing unfold. You were sitting up, a smile on your face as you watched Kid play. JJ had his head in your lap, grinning up at you.

You glanced up at Kid, who was looking at the picture with a glint in his eye.

"I know you couldn't take any pictures on your phone," he said. "So, I may or may not have actually taken all of the pictures from dad."

He reached back into his backpack, pulling out a stack of photos. Your eyes widened as he handed them to you. Some of them hand blood on them from that night, but it didn't matter. You had them in your hands. Your memories, your friends, your family.

"Thank you, Kid," you said, your voice still weak from crying. "This is...."

Kid put a hand over yours.

"We're going to be okay," he said to you. You looked up at him and nodded. He was right. As long as you had Kid, you were going to be okay. You would never forget the pictures in your hands and the memories you made with those people. They would be in your heart forever.

Even though tears still rolled down your face, you lifted your chin. It was time to take on whatever new challenge life was going to throw your way. And there was no time to look back.