TW: There are no graphic depictions of self harm in this chapter. Your health is my top priority, so if this might be harmful to you, please be cautious!

Listening to John B sob was heart-wrenching. His father's words echoed in your own head as John B clung to the wall, the only thing that was keeping him from falling to his knees. Kie curled herself around him in an attempt to hold him together. Part of you wanted to hug him too, if it would stop the sound of him crying. It broke your heart and you weren't sure why.
After what seemed like a lifetime, John B managed to stifle his tears and stand up straight. Kie stepped back and away, closer to you. John B turned to look at you guys and you saw the tears that still ran down his face, eyes rimmed red.

"Why...Why don't we go get some fresh air?" You suggested when no one said anything. There were a few half-hearted nods from the others. Kie was the first to move. She plucked her ukelele off the floor before walking out the front door. Pope and JJ followed after her.

You waited, watching as John B put his hand back on the wall to keep him steady. His eyes were glued to the tape recorder on the table. You took a shaking step toward him and placed your hand on his forearm. He flicked his eyes over to look at you. With a small nod, you gave his arm a short squeeze.

The fresh air was good. The Chateau had begun to feel stuffy, unwelcoming, like a dark cloud loomed over the building. So, when you left, the night air was comforting. The darkness of the night was starting to fade as the moon started to dip toward the horizon. You would need to get home soon, at least for a few hours. But for now, your friend needed all the support he could get and you weren't about to leave him.

The five of you sat on the dock, everyone except for Pope perched on the railing. You sat beside JJ, one of his hands resting on your knee. The night was silent, save for the sound of the water lapping against the dock and Kie strumming her ukelele.

"How much was it again?" JJ asked, breaking the silence. A single light shone above John B's head, illuminating the tears on his cheeks and the grimace in his lips.

"Four hundred mil," Pope said, tapping his foot. JJ sighed, sliding his hand off of your leg and turning to face the others. You suddenly felt cold at the loss of his touch.

"Let's talk split," he said. You closed your eyes so he wouldn't see you roll them. "Now, before we say evenly, may I remind you that I am the one that can properly defend us from those groupers who were after us."

JJ pulled the gun from his pocket and you glared at him, sliding off the railing to sit next to Pope. You hated that thing in his hand. You hated it because you wanted it so badly.

"Protection isn't cheap," JJ continued as John B took a long drink from his beer can.

"You have no training," Pope said. You wished he wouldn't feed into JJ's antics. You pulled your legs up to your chest, settling your chin between your knees.

"YouTube, bro! That's at least a five percent bump right there."

"You haven't-"

"Any objections?" You lifted your head, hand following. "Didn't think so."

You rolled your eyes and put your head back down. Kie raised her hand with a small shake of her head and Pope scoffed.

"I didn't hear any, so-" JJ said, shrugging his shoulders.

"What would you do with the money, Pope?" Kie asked with a small smile, trying to turn the conversation away from JJ.

"Pay for college in advance," Pope said as if he could see it happening right in front of his eyes. "And also textbooks. Those are expensive. Elm?"

"Wait til I'm 18. Hire a damn good lawyer and get my brother the hell out of that house," you said, raising your beer can as if it was a toast. Or a promise.

"You're going to use your money to move out?" Kie asked. You nodded your head, taking a drink.

"Once I get custody of my brother and settle us somewhere safe, you guys can have the rest," you said. You finished off the rest of your beer, watching the water through the wooden railing. "What about you, Kie?"

"Yeah, what does a socialist do when she's rich?" Pope asked, turning to his friend. Kie laughed, but she looked up at the sky, thinking.

"I just wanna make a double album," Kie said with a smile on her lips. "About OBX. The Pogues. You know, the way Catch a Fire is about Kingston."

You smiled at her idea. There was something so wholesome about it. She looked so free to do whatever she wanted with her money. She was going to take it and do something she loved with no obligations, no fears, no worry. You were almost jealous of her.

"Record it at Marley Studio, Peter Tosh producing-" She continued, a dreamer's smile still on her face. You smiled along with her.

"Peter Tosh is-" Pope started.

"Peter Tosh is dead, I know." Kie raised her can of beer. "Spirit of Peter Tosh will never die."

"Amen," you echoed, lifting your empty beer can.

"I know what I'll do," JJ said, looking down at you. "I'm gonna get a big ass house on Figure 8 and go full Kook."

"You're gonna go full Kook?" Pope asked in disbelief.

"Yup," JJ said. You looked back at him and smiled. "Gonna make a marble statue of myself, and then I'm gonna get a koi pond. Put a bunch of those fish-"

"I'm never visiting," Kie said with a laugh.

"Can Kid and I come live with you?" You asked, only half-joking.

"Of course, Babe," JJ said, ruffling your hair with his hand. You swatted his hand away from your head, but with a grin.

"What are you going to do with the money, JB?" Pope asked, looking over at his friend. Everyone else turned to him. His face was set in stone, staring out over the water. Finally, he nodded and turned his head into the light, looking at his friends. There was a small smile pulling at the edge of his lips.

"To going full Kook."

***

You drove back home, your mind reeling. The Pogues had their plan to go to the hotel where JJ worked to look up the coordinates that John B's dad left for the Royal Merchant. You could feel the gold at the tip of your fingers. The answer to your problems, the fulfillment of your dream to get your brother out of the clutches of your father, was right there. You could see it in front of your eyes and you wanted it now more than ever. It killed you that you couldn't be beside them the entire time, but you had to be extra careful now more than ever if you really wanted to get Kid away from your dad.

It was around 4 in the morning when you flopped into your bed. Sleep consumed you rather quickly. When you woke up at 9 the next morning, you wondered if you were ever going to get a good night's sleep with all the time you spent running around with the Pogues.

Your dad was already at work when you woke up. There was a note on your door from Kid, telling you that he went over to Dex's until Dad was home. It made you smile. You were glad that Kid was comfortable enough to leave the house under Dad's nose. You had always wanted him to have a normal life where he could just go over to his friend's house without fear of being punished for it later.

You would wait around until your friend's needed you, as you always did these days. Instead of moping around, you turned your music up as loud as it would go and started to clean the kitchen. Cleaning the kitchen slowly became cleaning the dining room and then cleaning the foyer until you had cleaned almost the entire downstairs. A knock at your door startled you, spinning around to look at the front door.

You looked over at the clock, wondering who might be there. Kid and Dad would have just walked through the front door without knocking first. You tried to tell yourself that it was probably just the mailman. Walking across the room, tiptoeing, you heard the knock again.

A smile broke across your face as you pulled the door open to find Pope and JJ standing on your porch.

"We have a delivery for, uh, 'one hot babe'," JJ said, pretending to hold a package under his arm. You crossed your arms, leaning against the doorframe with an amused smile on your face as Pope groaned.

"I'm sorry. I think you have the wrong house," you said, tilting your head to the side.

"Oh no," JJ grinned, eyes scanning your body. "This is definitely the right house."

"God, okay, please stop," Pope begged, squeezing his eyes together. "Elm, we need your help."

"Of course," you said, standing straighter. "What do you guys need? Did you guys find anything?"

"Yeah, we found the place where the coordinates are. We just have to get a drone to get us down there," JJ said.

"We're stealing a drone," Pope said, side-eyeing JJ.

"It's not stealing. It's borrowing."

"We are taking a drone from its rightful owners and using it for our own, selfish purposes."

"Okay, stealing or borrowing, whatever. What do you need me to do?" You asked. JJ and Pope both turned to look at you.

"We need to borrow your car."

***

You drove behind the van, Kie sitting in your passenger seat. The windows were rolled down and music thrummed through the car. Kie hand her feet sticking out the window, bouncing her legs to the beat.

"Can I tell you something?" Kie asked suddenly, turning to you and lifting her sunglasses onto her head.

"Sure."

"You have to promise not to laugh at me."

"I would never laugh at you, Kie."

"Okay, here goes." Kie sucked in a deep breath. "John B kissed me."

You nearly stomped your foot on the break.

"What?"

"Yeah, a few days ago. I didn't want to say anything at first, but John B already told the boys and I didn't want you to feel left out of the loop."

"I, um, I appreciate it, Kie." You cleared your throat. "Did...did you kiss him back?"

"I just want to be friends with him," Kie said, looking back out the window. "He knows that. I told him."

"I don't really know what I should say, but I could punch him if you'd like," you told her, glancing over in her direction. Kie laughed and shook her head.

"Thank you for the support, Elm, but you don't have to punch him. I just don't want it to be awkward is all. You know I..." Kie looked down at her hands. "I wasn't there for him when his dad went missing. I'm just trying to make up for it now, but I guess I was sending some signals that I hadn't meant to."

"I'm sure John B knows you're there for him. And the air is clear now, right? He knows that you want to be just friends so you can go back to doing all the silly friend things you did before without feeling awkward, right?" Advice wasn't something you were entirely good at. You had never really had to give it to anyone before. Or pep talks. But Kie smiled at you and then turned to look out the window.

"You're right." She dropped her sunglasses back onto her nose. "Thank you, Elm."

"Yeah, no problem."

You two fell quiet once again, listening to the music. Maybe one day you would be able to sit with someone, listen to their problems, and give them sound advice, but you guessed that today wasn't that day.

Up in front of you, JJ stuck his head out of the van window. You couldn't help but smile when he opened his mouth and stuck out his tongue like a dog.

"What an idiot," you mumbled to yourself, hiding a smile behind your hand. JJ blew a kiss to you from the window. You made a display of catching it and pressing your palm against your cheek.

"You've got that boy whipped, you know," Kie said, watching with a smile. You turned to look at her, hoping she would elaborate. "When you're not around, he barely stops talking about you."

You weren't sure why your smile started to falter.

"He's got me pretty whipped too," you said, watching the wind blow through his hair. He lifted his face up to the sun and you felt your heart warm at the sight of him.

"Yeah." Kie smiled. "I can see that."

You drove up to the salvage yard, seeing the van a few feet back. As you and Kie stepped out of the car, you looked back to get a thumbs up from each of the boys. You returned it with a smile. You and Kie both walked up to the gate.

"Hello?" Kie waved at the security gate. "Excuse me?"

You smiled as sweetly as you could when the guard walked up to the gate.

"Can I help you, ladies?" The guard asked. You looked over at Kie and then bit your lip.
"My car," you said. "It has a flat."

"Do you think you can help us?" Kie asked, with a smile all her own.

The guard looked back and forth between the two of you for a moment before his lips twitched upward and he nodded his head.

"Yeah, I can help."

"Yeah?"

He turned back toward his guard shack. You turned to Kie, both of your smiles dropping.

"It's too easy," she said, squinting against the sunlight.

"Way too easy."

When he came back out, carrying a toolbox, you waved him over toward your car.

"It's the back one," you said as Kie leaned up against the door of your car. "It wasn't like this when I left the house. I have no idea what would have caused this to happen."

"Well," the guard said as he set his tools down and crouched to the floor. "If you hit something sharp on the road..."

As he explained it to you, you met Kie's gaze and rolled your eyes. She shook her head and laughed quietly, looking at the ground. When you glanced up at the gate, you saw the boys scamper into the salvage yard before the gate shut. You could only hope they'd find the drone quickly.

But time ticked on and the guy was almost finished with the tire. You met Kie's gaze again and it was clear that she was thinking the same thing. With a small motion of your head, she went around to the other side of the car to try and let air out of another tire. You lowered yourself to the gravel and gave the security guard a smile.

"Thank you for helping us," you said, reaching out to put a hand over his as he started to put his tools away. "I wish there was some way we could repay you."

The guard gave a soft smile, not the kind that you expected.

"Don't worry about it," he said, pulling his hand away and closing his bag. "Just glad I could help."

You stood after him and hurried after him as he walked to the other side of the car. There was a series of barks from inside the salvage yard and you sincerely hoped that it was just JJ barking at snakes again. The guard scowled, stopping and staring at the gate.

"What was that?" he asked.

You shrugged, jumping up onto the hood of your car.

"Nothing important," you said, kicking your feet back and forth. You brought his attention back to you for a few moments, before he walked a few steps farther and saw Kie desperately trying to let air out of another tire with her hair clip.

"What's going on?" He asked, looking up quickly when the barking sound returned. You glanced down at Kie, who looked up at you, cringing. Neither of you had the chance to say anything before the security guard took off back toward the salvage yard.

"Shit," Kie hissed, pushing herself off the ground. "We gotta go."

"The boys-"

"They'll be fine."

You slid off of the hood of your car and jumped into the front seat, starting the car. You drove off as soon as Kie was in the other seat, only feeling sort of bad about leaving the boys behind as you rattled down the street, away from the salvage yard.

You met up back at the Wreck, starved and exhausted. When you saw the boys pull up in the van, you let out a happy sigh and walked toward them. Pope was the first one out of the car, still shaking from the adrenaline. You walked up to him and threw your arms around his neck, pulling him into a tight hug.

"What happened in there?" you asked, pulling back and moving toward JJ.

"There was a dog," Pope said as he walked toward Kie.

"Yeah, we heard it," Kie said.

"Thought you guys were going to distract the security guard," JJ said, wrapping an arm around you as you stepped up to him.

"Eh, we tried," you said. "Maybe we should have sent you to seduce him instead."

JJ grinned.

"That probably would have worked better. I'm very seductive."

"Yeah, you are," John B piped in, walking around from the other side of the van.

"Come on in, guys," Kie said. "Dad's got some food for us."

"I love your dad," you said, moving to follow after her as she and Pope walked up the ramp. But JJ pulled you back, putting his hands on the side of your face and pressing a kiss against your lips. You smiled, looping your fingers through the belt loops of his pants to pull him closer.

He broke the kiss and brushed a piece of hair behind your ear.

"What was that for?" You asked him, trying to bite back a smile. JJ shrugged, dropping his hand to rest against your collarbone.

"I haven't been able to kiss you yet today," he said.

"In that case, maybe you should do it again."

He leaned down with a smile, but before his lips could touch yours, someone knocked on the glass window. You both turned around. All three of your friends were standing there, holding plates of food. Pope faked a gag. John B held up a thumbs up. Kie held the food up higher.

"Should we go in?" You asked, looking at them still. JJ sighed.

"It does smell pretty bitchin'," he said, running a hand down your bare arm, leaving goosebumps. You leaned up on your toes and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek before turning toward the Wreck.

***

The next day, your dad hadn't gone to work, which meant you weren't going out.

JJ knocked on your window pretty early in the morning. You had to tell him that you couldn't go. He pouted, but you grabbed him by the scruff of his shirt and pulled him closer. A short kiss from you and his pout was gone.

"I'll see you tomorrow," you said, only a breath away from him. JJ nodded his head, not taking his eyes off of your lips.

"I'm sure they would be cool if they had to wait a few minutes for me," JJ said, breathing heavily. You smiled, leaning down and kissing his nose. The tips of his ears burned red. Before you could retreat back into your room, JJ grabbed hold of your chin and pulled you back to him.

Your stomach butterflied when his lips met yours, goosebumps littering your skin. You melted at his touch as his hand left your chin, finding it's resting place on the nape of your neck, the metal of his rings cool against your skin. Every cell in your body wanted to pull him into your room right then and there, but with your dad right down the hall, you knew better.

Still, you took your sweet time.

He still tasted like the beach. Salt and sand on his lips and you never wanted anything more. You could feel his heart pounding in his chest and it was beating to the same rhythm as yours.

JJ tugged gently on the bottom of your shirt, his teeth grazing against your skin. A quiet gasp escaped your lips when you managed to suck in an ounce of air. Hearing JJ struggle for breath made your stomach flip in a thousand different ways. After what Kie told you in the car about him and the way he kissed you know, confidence grew inside of you that he could possibly like you just as much as you liked him. Maybe, somehow, he needed you the same way.

Neither of you wanted him to leave. If you could stay here, leaning out of your window, you would. Even though you were still in the house that brought you so much pain, the house that had you tiptoeing around like the floor was made of shattered glass, being near JJ made you feel safe. A word floated through your head, a word that you had never been able to claim before.

Home.

You hadn't meant to say it, especially not then. The words had been playing in your mind for days, weeks maybe. Every time you looked at him, every time he looked at you, every moment you were just sitting there together, every sound of his laugh, every time he smiled, every time he made you dance. The words bounced throughout your mind, always at the tip of your tongue. And every time you had managed to keep the words locked behind your teeth.

Up until now.

"I love you."

You regretted the words as soon as you said them, pulling back through the window. JJ just stared at you, his lips parted and his eyes wide. Your face burned and your heart constricted in your chest. If the floor could open up and swallow you whole, you wished it would. Oh, to be anywhere other than where you were right now. You shouldn't have said it. You should have just kept it to yourself.

"I, uh, I have to go," JJ said, turning away from the window. Ice settled against your bones, freezing you from the inside out. The sun was hot and blaring, but still, you started to shiver.

"Yeah. Yeah." You refused to look at him and he wouldn't look at you. "Say...say hi to everyone for me."

"Sure."

"See you."

"Yeah."

You watched, pressing your lips together as tight as you could, as he climbed down from the roof. You didn't want to watch him run across the grass away from your house, so you pulled the curtains together.

Your hands shook as you pressed your fingers to your temples, pacing back and forth. You weren't going to cry, there was no point in it. It was stupid. It was the heat of the moment, you said something you shouldn't have. You would apologize when you saw him tomorrow. There was no need to panic.

Still, your heart thudded so painfully, it hurt your ears. It felt like you couldn't breathe all over again, like you were drowning, but not in the good way. You thought you were going to be sick. Sweat beaded down your neck as goosebumps still scattered across your legs. You thought you might combust from the inside. Part of you wished that you would.

When someone knocked on your door, you whirled around, still dazed. You quickly pulled your hair up into a ponytail in an attempt to hide your panic before calling out to whoever was on the other side.

Kid peaked his head in.

"You good?" He asked.

"Yeah, why I wouldn't be?" you scoffed, tucking your hands under your arms.

"I saw JJ running across the grass and then I heard you pacing. Just wanted to make sure."

"Yeah, Kid. Everything's fine."

"Okay, well, tell him to be more careful next time. Dad might see him."

Next time. After what you did, you weren't there was going to be a next time.

"Sure, Kid. I'll tell him."

"Also, Dad wants our help with something. Might want to put on some fresh lipgloss."

As your hand shot up to your lips, Kid closed the door with a smirk. You huffed to yourself, doing as your brother suggested, before trotting downstairs with your best attempt at a smile.

"Hey, Kiddo!" Your dad was in the kitchen still making breakfast. "You look a little sunburnt. You been going out?"

"Just been tanning in the backyard," you lied quickly, sliding into a chair. "Thought I might as well."

"I'm sorry you can't go out more, sweetheart," he said, passing you a plate of french toast. "I just want you to be safe and there's nowhere safer than home."

You smiled and took a bite of toast so you wouldn't have to respond. It tasted bitter in your mouth, despite the syrup and powdered sugar. You couldn't believe how heavily your father deluded himself. This house was probably the place where you were the least safe. At least you didn't feel so trapped anymore.

"Why did you stay home from work today?" You asked, staring at your plate of food, trying to swallow what felt like ashes in your mouth.

"Just wanted to hang out with you guys today." Your dad sat across from you with his own plate. "There's some more work to do outside from Agatha. I see that you and your brother haven't really been doing it yourselves, so I thought I might as well kick you guys into gear."

You swallowed a lump in your throat and you smiled.

"Yeah, sounds good." You knew better than to mention the fact that you had cleaned the house yesterday. It would just make things worse.

"Good. Finish your breakfast and then get your ass outside."

Your dad picked up his plate, shoving his share back as he stood. You flinched, turning back to your plate. He stormed out the front door. You looked over at Kid, who held his hands tight in his lap.

"It's okay, Kid. Enjoy your food," you said with an attempted smile. Kid looked up at you with only his eyes, not lifting his head. In hopes to convince him to eat, you took another bite, despite your entire body's reaction being to throw it back up again.

Slowly, Kid started to eat again.

The day passed with no problems aside from your dad being a passive aggressive douche bag. You wanted to make sure that Kid had sunscreen on so that the burns already on his back wouldn't get worse. But your dad locked the sunscreen in your house and refused to unlock the doors to let you grab it. He wouldn't even let you inside to get water or use the restroom.

By the end of the day, you were almost glad that your dad had you doing manual labor throughout the day because you hadn't thought of JJ since that morning. Of course, once you laid down back in your bed, it all came flooding back.

You slammed your face against your pillow and screamed as loud as you could. How could you be so stupid? Not being able to hold your tongue when you should have was always an issue for you. Now, here you were, in the pitfalls of that fault.

Regret floated around you like a cloud. One knick in your wall and the flood came pouring out. You were no longer worried just about JJ, but fears overcame you about your friends, your mother, Ms. Lana, your dad, Kid. If you had just shattered your relationship with JJ, where would that put you with John B, Pope, Kie? They were his friends, but were they really yours too?

Maybe that's why your mom really left, then. You were too clingy, too comfortable, too needy. Maybe you told her you loved her too many times. Maybe she was sick of looking at you.

You were crying before you even realized it. The floodgates had burst open in your heart, and that was reflected by the tears that streamed down your cheeks.

You were alone in your room, maybe that was a sign. Maybe that's where you were supposed to be. Alone. Alone.

The thought forced a sob through your tightened jaw. You pressed the back of your hand against your mouth to keep any more from bouncing around your empty room. Still, the sobbing shook your body, chest heaving. You bit down on the back of your hand until you tasted blood, clamping your teeth down to keep yourself from making sound.

Your eyes fluttered shut as pain finally sparked through your hand. At first, your reaction was to pull your head away, but you didn't when you realized that it took your mind off of the thoughts. You kept your hand in your mouth until you fell asleep.

***

The next day, you were sitting in your room with a book in your hand. When the knock came to your window, you snapped your head upward. Pulling the curtain open, your heart sunk when you saw Kie sitting there, waiting. You tried to smile at her as you pulled your window.

"Hey," you said.

"We're finding that boat today, Elm," she said, a childish grin on her face. "You ready to be rich?"

"Hell yes."

You followed her out to the car, hoping in the back before thinking about what you said the day before.

"Hey, Elm," Pope said, holding out his fist for you as you climbed inside.

"Hey." You smiled. John B tapped your shoulder with his hand as you settled into the seat behind his and you swatted him right back. When you finally made eye contact with JJ, that same painful ice shot through you again, burning to ash in your stomach. You pressed your fingers against the back of your hand through the bandage you wrapped around it, feeling the pain once again.

"What happened to your hand?" Pope asked. You looked down and tried to smile.

"Oh, you know, burned it trying to make breakfast this morning," you said, giving a short laugh.

"You really are terrible at cooking." You looked over at JJ and there was a smile on his face, as if nothing the day before had happened. You smiled back, hoping that you could forget it yourself.

"So, we're getting this gold?"

"You bet your ass we're getting that gold, Elm!" John B drummed his fingers against the steering wheel, banging his head to his own beat.

As the five of you stepped onto the boat, JJ grabbed your wrist and turned you around.

"Hey, we good?" He asked, brushing his thumb against your wrist. You gave a few short nods, unable to look him in the eyes. "Ellie-"

"Yeah, yeah. We're good." You leaned up and pressed a quick kiss to his lips before turning and hopping onto the boat with everyone else.

The day was supposed to be calm, but as soon as you made it to the spot where the Royal Merchant was supposed to have sunken, waves started to ripple across the water. You watched with growing alarm as a storm started to roll closer and closer to your small boat. John B called out for JJ to move the boat this way and that, but the current was too strong. You could feel it pulling the boat faster than he was able to move it. Kie called out how far down the drone was. You could feel the tension on the boat, or maybe it was the static from the storm.

You weren't sure which.

"It should be right here," Pope said, glancing up. You and Kie ran over to where John B and Pope were staring at the screen.

"Where is it?"

"I don't know, Kie."

"Wait," you said, pointing at a darker spot on the screen. "What's that?"

As Pope got closer, your heart dropped into your stomach, a smile breaking across your lips.

"What is it?" JJ called from the wheel. No one said anything for a moment, mouths dry. John B started to smile as more of the ship came into view.

"It's the Royal Merchant."

JJ let out a holler from the front, but the more you all looked at the screen, the more your smiles started to fall. A heavy rock settled in your stomach. The gold wasn't there, there was nothing but an old wreckage.

"It's not there," John B said. You could see the heartbreak on his face. "Just, pull up the drone."

Thundered rumbled in the distance, making you look up from the screen to the darkening sky.

"Shit," John B breathed.

"Look, we can do another pass. Recharge the battery," Pope protested as John B walked away. "We...we can go back down!"

You fell back against a cooler, staring at the bottom of the boat. The gold was there, you could feel it on your fingertips, yet it was just out of reach.

"The gold could be buried, we don't know!" Kie shouted over the wind as it started to pick up.

"If the gold was buried, we would see it on the metal detector," John B said, leaning against the side of the boat. You dropped your face into your hands.

"Somebody beat us to it," John B told them.

"Or it was never there." You could hear the anger in JJ's voice. He turned the wheel a little too harsh and you grabbed hold of the railing to keep from toppling off of the cooler. No one said anything until you were all back onshore.

Still, there was silence when everyone stepped off. The urge to cry was right there, but you held it back. If anyone should be the most disappointed, it should be John B. You couldn't help but think about that life you almost convinced yourself you could have had.

As you walked away from the boat toward the van, you kicked the rocks beneath your feet. JJ walked up behind you, lacing his fingers through yours before you knew he was there. You turned to look toward him, startled at first. But then he smiled down at you. You could see the disappointment in his eyes, but there was still a smile on his face. You squeezed his hand as he brought your knuckles up to his lips. You didn't even realize it was your wounded hand until you saw the bandages.

It all felt stupid now. The breakdown, the biting, the tears. Maybe you had freaked him out, you had freaked yourself out, but that didn't matter. Cause here he was, by your side.

You smiled back, bumping his shoulder with yours as you walked back to the car.

***

With everything going on right now, I want every single one of you to know that I am here for you. If you just need to talk or you need to rant and just need someone to listen, I am 100% here for you. 

To those of you protesting, please stay safe.

To everyone (including the protesters), please stay healthy and definitely stay groovy.