t/w attempted infant murder (I'm not okay)

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{from the autobiography of Angelita Rosewood}

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I can't tell you how many times I thought about genuinely killing Matvey Angel. I thought about it so many times, but I'd of course have to do it in a way that made it seem like it was not my fault, or at least not purposefully.

I could offer to give him a bath, then drown him and then cry "I only looked away for a minute!"

And then I'd hate myself for thinking that. I'd think about it and then I'd hate myself and it would be a vicious cycle.

I almost did it once. I almost went through with it once.

He was maybe three or four months old. I was over at Skye and Nikandr's. Matvey Angel was asleep. I grabbed a pillow off the rocking chair and walked over to his crib. I hesitated but I swear I was about to suffocate him. He suddenly woke up and started crying so I put the pillow back.

I left when Skye came in.

I can't say I've ever stopped thinking about killing him. I hate myself for it but I hate him.