Viper : Jaggedhole and I don't use pet names.

Goldenshine : I see. Hey, what do bees make?

Viper : Honey?

Jaggedhole : Yes, dear?

Viper :

Goldenshine : Don't ever lie to my face again.

🍡

Viper , texting Jaggedhole : Jaggedhole ! Help I'm being kidnapped

Goldenshine : Where are you?

Viper : I'm with some strange person. In a car. Help.

Jaggedhole : I'll call Goldenshine .

Goldenshine , answering their cell: Y'ello?

Jaggedhole : Where's Viper ? They texted me that they were being kidnapped.

Goldenshine : Viper ? Whaddya mean, they're right next to me-

Goldenshine :

Goldenshine : I'll call you back. *hangs up*

Goldenshine : THE NEW HAIRCUT ISN'T THAT BAD!

Viper : WHO ARE YOU?!

🍡

Viper : What time is it?

Jaggedhole : I don't know; pass me that saxophone and we'll find out

Jaggedhole : *Plays sax loudly and extremely out of tune*

Goldenshine : WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE SAXOPHONE AT TWO IN THE MORNING

Jaggedhole : It's 2 am

🍡

Viper : While I'm gone, Jaggedhole , you're in charge.

Jaggedhole : Yes!!!

Viper , whispering: Goldenshine , you're secretly in charge.

Goldenshine : Obviously.

🍡

Viper : Jaggedhole , keep an eye on Goldenshine today. They're going to say something to the wrong person and get punched.

Jaggedhole : Sure, I'd love to see Goldenshine get punched.

Viper : Try again.

Jaggedhole , sighing: I will stop Goldenshine from getting punched.

🍡

Viper : Goldenshine and I are having a baby.

Jaggedhole : That's gre-

Viper , slamming adoption papers on the table: It's you, sign here.

🍡

Viper , negotiating with Jaggedhole : We have Goldenshine . Give us ten thousand dollars and they will be returned to you unharmed

Goldenshine : Whoa, whoa, wait, you think I'm only worth ten thousand dollars?

Viper :

Goldenshine : MAKE IT ONE MILLION–

Viper : GOLDENSHINE STOP

🍡

Viper : Hey Jaggedhole ,

Jaggedhole : Yes?

Viper : Can a person breathe inside a washing machine while it's on?

Jaggedhole :

Jaggedhole : Where's Goldenshine ?

🍡

*Viper and Jaggedhole sitting in jail together*

Jaggedhole : So who should we call?

Viper : I'd call Goldenshine , but I feel safer in jail

🍡

Store Worker: Would a Mx. Viper please come to the front desk?

Viper , arriving at the desk: Hello, is there a problem?

Store Worker: points to Jaggedhole and Goldenshine

Store Worker: I believe they belong to you?

Jaggedhole and Goldenshine , simultaneously: We got lost :(

Viper : I didn't even bring you guys here with me-

🍡

Viper : I know you snuck out last night, Jaggedhole .

Goldenshine : Play dumb!

Jaggedhole : Who's Jaggedhole ?

Goldenshine : NOT THAT DUMB!!!

🍡

Viper : We need to get through this locked door. Jaggedhole , give me your credit card.

Jaggedhole : Here.

Viper , pocketing it: Thanks. Goldenshine , kick down the door.

🍡

Viper : HELP! I TOLD GOLDENSHINE I'D COOK DINNER TONIGHT BUT I CAN'T COOK!

Jaggedhole , pouring milk directly into the cereal bag: And you thought I could help?

🍡

Viper : Please bring home PURIFIED water with NO minerals added for taste

Jaggedhole : We got spring water

Viper : NO.

Goldenshine : with EXTRA minerals

Jaggedhole : it's like licking a stalagmite

Viper : DON'T COME HOME.

Goldenshine : Mmmmm cave water

🍡

Viper : Goldenshine , my old arch enemy.

Jaggedhole : ... I thought I was your arch enemy?

Viper : I have a life outside of you, Jaggedhole 

🍡

Viper : You have to apologize to Jaggedhole

Goldenshine : Fine.

Goldenshine : 'Unfuck you' or whatever.

🍡

Viper : Who thinks I can fit 15 marshmallows in my mouth?

Jaggedhole : You're a hazard to society

Goldenshine : And a coward. DO TWENTY.

🍡

*The squad is talking about what it'd be like to open up a homemade Pokemon gym*

Viper , joking: Jaggedhole 's just sitting at the end, juggling- fushigi-ing 2 glass balls, in super tight pants, just waiting for their kid delivery once they best their minions.

Jaggedhole : Well they would be Pokeballs. And also it's not a kid delivery. There's no fucking guarantee that a kid that comes into the beginning of my crucible makes it to the end of it undefeated.

Jaggedhole : In fact, I'm gonna stack this gym! With fuckin pros!

Jaggedhole : It's- It's gonna be brutal. It's gonna be a torture gym.

Goldenshine : Well- Well what's the theme? Are you like- is it a bug theme, or like-

Jaggedhole : YEAH, GOLDENSHINE . UH- UH- UH- UH YEAH GOLDENSHINE . IM GONNA OPEN UP A BUG TYPE POKEMON GYM. YOU IDIOT.

Jaggedhole : YEAH THAT'S WHAT I WANT, BECAUSE I WANNA GIVE- I WANNA SHIT OUT BADGES FOR EVERY HAM AND EGGER THAT COMES TO MY FRONT DOOR.

Viper : *Cracking up*

Jaggedhole : YEAH, GOLDENSHINE . 'Uhh, go Caterpie! >~>' That's me, you FUCKING imbecile. 'Yeah go- uhhh- d-do your best, Kakuna!'

Jaggedhole : WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING TALKING ABOU- Yeah a ~bug type~ gym.

Goldenshine :

Viper : Okaaay-

Goldenshine : Alright, um, I'm gonna go. I've embarrassed myself...

Viper : Maybe fire? Fire type?

Goldenshine : Yeah fire-based? Like- have fires?Jaggedhole : Yeah, yeah I'll probably just- That's a good idea Viper I'll probably just do a fire type one... SO THAT ONE KID WITH ONE BLASTOISE CAN FUCK UP MY WHOLE SHOP.

Jaggedhole : KILLED ALL OF US WITH ONE BLASTOISE, HUH? WOW. SHIT I SHOULD'VE-

Goldenshine : Just do rock, then! Just do rock type!

Jaggedhole , voice dripping with contempt: The same Blastoise...

🍡

*The group is getting into the car*

Viper : I'm driving.

Jaggedhole , out of view: Shotgun!

Goldenshine , turning to face Jaggedhole : Aww! But you had it on the way here-

Everyone except Jaggedhole : WOAH-

Jaggedhole , holding a shotgun: No! I found a shotgun! And I want the front seat! *Pumps gun*

🍡

Viper : If Jaggedhole and I were drowning, who would you save?

Goldenshine : You two can't swim?

Jaggedhole : It's a hypothetical question, Goldenshine ! who would you save?

Goldenshine : my time and effort.

🍡

Viper , in a high voice, holding barbie: hey ken! I was thinking about going back to school and starting a career!

Jaggedhole , in a deep voice, holding ken: nonsense, barbie. you're staying home and having my kids

Goldenshine : what the fuck are you guys doing?

Viper : playing systemic oppression

🍡

Viper : Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life

Jaggedhole : Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind?

Viper : Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die.

Goldenshine : edible

🍡

Viper : WHY. why did you give Goldenshine a KNIFE?!

Jaggedhole : I'm sorry. They said they felt unsafe.

Viper : Now I feel unsafe!

Jaggedhole : I'm sorry.

Jaggedhole : ... would you like a knife?

🍡

Viper : Tell Jaggedhole about the birds and the bees.

Goldenshine : They're disappearing at an alarming rate.

🍡

Viper , at a restaurant: You guys should get the orange soda, it's amazing.

Jaggedhole : Okay

Waiter: Can I get you guys anything to drink?

Viper : Orange soda, please!

Jaggedhole : I'll have the strawberry soda.

Goldenshine : Me too, strawberry soda.

Viper :

🍡

Jaggedhole , driving Jaggedhole and Goldenshine : So how was your day?

Viper : We almost got surprise adopted!

Jaggedhole : What?

Goldenshine : We almost got kidnapped.

Jaggedhole : Oh, okay.

Jaggedhole : *slams on the breaks* WAIT WHAT?!

🍡

Viper : What did you do with Jaggedhole 's body?

Goldenshine : What didn't I do with the body?

Viper :

Goldenshine : Okay, that sounded more sexual than I intended. I disposed of the corpse respectfully.

🍡

Viper : What if I press the brake and gas at the same time?

Goldenshine : The car takes a screenshot.

Jaggedhole: For the last time, get the fuck out.