Ren: If you bite it and you die, it's poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it's venomous.

San: What if it bites me and it dies!?

Ken: Then you're poisonous. Jesus Christ, San, learn to listen.

Itchi: What if it bites itself and I die?

Lu: That's voodoo.

Ni: What if it bites me and someone else dies?

San: That's correlation, not causation.

Itchi: What if we bite each other, and neither of us die?

Lu: That's kinky.

Ren: Oh my God.

🌠

*Squad reactions to being told 'I love you'*

Ren: Thanks fam!

San: oh no

Ken: *cries* I love you too

Itchi: Sounds fake but okay

Lu: *A flustered mess*

Ni: can i get a refund

🌠

Ren: Everytime I hear someone talking about updog, I'm torn between not wanting to fall for it and wanting to help them complete their joke.

San: Okay, but what is updog?

Ken: Updog is a long sausage in a bun, often served with ketchup, mustard, onions, and/or relish.

Itchi: Not, that's a hot dog. An updog is when a new version or patch of an application is released.

Lu: No, that's an update. You're thinking of the fourth largest city in Sweden.

Ni: Surely, that's Uppsala, where's updog is the giant spider in Harry Potter.

Ren: That's Aragog. Updog is a symbol conventionally used for an arbitrarily small number in analysis proofs.

Itchi: You're thinking of epsilon. Updog is an upward-moving air current.

Ken: No, that's an updraft. An updog is the modern version of a henway.

San: What's a henway??

Ren: Oh, about five pounds.

🌠

Ren: *Posts a super low-quality image to the group chat*

San: If I had a dollar for every pixel in this image, I'd have 15 cents

Ren: If I had a dollar for every ounce of rage I felt in my body after I read this text, I would have enough money to buy a cannon to fire at you

Ken: Actually I did the math, San would have $225, not $0.15.

San: Fam I'm right here....

Itchi: If I had a dollar I would buy a can of soda :)

Ren: while you're there could you buy me an apply juice please?

Itchi: Sorry I only have a dollar

Ren: :(

Ken: Hey I just realized my friend is right, San would have $22,500 because it's a dollar for every pixel, not a cent

Itchi: If I had $22,500 I would buy a can of soda and an apply juice

Ken: You can buy anything you want with $22,500

Lu: Yeah and they want soda and apply juice

Ken: Apply juice to what

Ni: Directly to the forehead

San: Great chat everyone

🌠

*Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker*

Ren: So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.

Everyone:

San: ...I did. I broke it.

Ren: No. No you didn't. Ken?

Ken: Don't look at me. Look at Itchi.

Itchi: What?! I didn't break it.

Ken: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?

Itchi: Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.

Ken: Suspicious.

Itchi: No, it's not!

Lu: If it matters, probably not, but Ni was the last one to use it.

Ni: Liar! I don't even drink that crap!

Lu: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?

Ni: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Lu!

San: Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it, Ren.

Ren: No! Who broke it!?

Everyone:

Lu: Ren... Ken's been awfully quiet.

Ken: rEALLY?!

*Everyone starts arguing*

Ren, being interviewed: I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it.

Ren: I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick.

Ren:

Ren: Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.

🌠

Ren: Time for plan G.

San: Don't you mean plan B?

Ren: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties.

Ken: What about plan D?

Ren: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago.

Itchi: What about plan E?

Ren: I'm hoping not to use it. Lu dies in plan E.

Ni: I like plan E.

🌠

Ren: Would you guys be there for me if I was going through something?

San: Nope, absolutely not.

Ken: I hope it sucks, whatever you're going through.

Itchi: I hope it emotionally scars you for the rest of your life.

Lu: I hope you reach out to me so I can ignore you.

Ni: I can't wait to go to your funeral, knowing I could've changed that outcome

🌠

Ren, walking into their house: Hello, people who do not live here.

San: Hey.

Ken: Hi.

Itchi: Hello.

Lu: Hey!

Ren: I gave you the key to my place for emergencies only!

Ni: We were out of Doritos.

🌠

*The squad right before Ren's wedding*

San: Well I have to go, I have a wedding to attend.

Ken: Wait... Oh! I have a wedding to attend too!

Itchi: Oh, I have a wedding to attend as well

Lu: I THINK WE ALL HAVE WEDDINGS TO ATTEND

Ni, panicked: I THINK I HAVE A WEDDING TO OFFICIATE

🌠

*The squad is over at Ren's house*

San: Ohhhh, we each get our own oven?

Ren: ... N-No...

Ren, laughing: How many ovens do you think I have???

San, motioning to their kitchen: Three, I thought!

Ken: I see a-

Ren, motioning to one device: This is a microwave.

San: Oh, well I-

Ren: Hey wait wait, actually- hang on- *fiddles with the buttons on the microwave*

Ren, amazed: Its got a bake setting!

Itchi: Ohoho, you learn something new every day!

Lu: Do we- Do we roshambo for who gets to pick first?

Ren: Now I've just discovered I have more ovens than I thought, we don't have to roshambo nothin!

Ren: I am someone who owns four ovens...

Ren, louder and way too happy: I am someone... who owns FOUR OVENS...

Ren: I didn't know I was so rich with ovens...

Ni, pointing to another appliance: Also the toaster oven!

Ren:

San: Ohhh, toasty boy! Four- Five ovens!

Ren:

Ren, fucking ECSTATIC: I AM SOMEONE WHO OWNS FIVE OVENS

🌠

'Can I copy the homework?'

Ren: I can help you with it!

San: Yeah, sure.

Ken: Bold of you to assume I did the homework.

Itchi: lol nope.

Lu: Wait, we had homework?!?!?!

Ni: *Read 5:55pm*

🌠

Ren: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?

San: >:O language

Ken: Yeah watch your fucking language

Itchi: OKAY WHO TAUGHT KEN THE FUCK WORD?

Lu: 'The fuck word'.

Ni: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time

Ken: Oh my god they censored it

Lu: Say fuck, Ni.

Ken: Do it, Ni. Say fuck.

🌠

Ren: I CAN'T DO IT!

San, laughing: I CAN'T EITHER!

Ren: I CANT FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE

Ken: WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN EITHER GIVE UP NOW, OR YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT. BECAUSE WE CERTAINLY CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU, AND WE KNOW YOU CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT US.

Ren:

Ren: I appreciate it,

Ren: BUT LOOK WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH-

Itchi: Ren-

Ren: YOU GOTTA DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE!

Lu: Ren we gotta-

Ren: YOU GOTTA DRAW A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND. YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT.

Ren: YOU GOTTA LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY 'What am I willing to put up with today?'

Ren, motioning to Ni: NOT FUCKING THIS

🌠

Ren, negotiating with Lu: We have Ken. Give us ten thousand dollars and they will be returned to you unharmed

Ken: Whoa, whoa, wait, you think I'm only worth ten thousand dollars?

Ren:

Ken: MAKE IT ONE MILLION–

Ren: KEN STOP

🌠

Ren: Do you ever want to talk about your emotions, Lu?

Lu: ... No.

Ken: I do!

Ren: I know, Ken.

Ken: I'm sad!

Ren: I know, Ken.

🌠

Ren: If I die, my funeral is going to be the biggest party ever and you're all invited

Lu: If?

Ken: Great, the only party I've ever been invited to and they might not even die.

🌠

Ren: Don't worry, I got a plan.

Lu: Alright.

Ren: TraitorSayWhat?

Ken: Excuse me?

Ren: What?

Lu:

Ren:

Ren: No wait-

🌠

Ren: Don't worry, I got a plan.

Lu: Alright.

Ren: TraitorSayWhat?

Ken: Excuse me?

Ren: What?

Lu:

Ren:

Ren: No wait-

🌠

Ren: Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life

Lu: Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind?

Ren: Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die.

Ken: edible

🌠

Ren: If you had to choose between Lu and all the money I have in my wallet, which would you choose?

Ken: That depends, how much money are we taking about?

Lu: Ken!

Ren: 63 cents.

Ken: I'll take the money.

Lu: KEN!!!

🌠

Ren, texting Lu: Lu! Help I'm being kidnapped

Ken: Where are you?

Ren: I'm with some strange person. In a car. Help.

Lu: I'll call Ken.

Ken, answering their cell: Y'ello?

Lu: Where's Ren? They texted me that they were being kidnapped.

Ken: Ren? Whaddya mean, they're right next to me-

Ken:

Ken: I'll call you back. *hangs up*

Ken: THE NEW HAIRCUT ISN'T THAT BAD!

Ren: WHO ARE YOU?!

🌠

Ren: Please bring home PURIFIED water with NO minerals added for taste

Lu: We got spring water

Ren: NO.

Ken: with EXTRA minerals

Lu: it's like licking a stalagmite

Ren: DON'T COME HOME.

Ken: Mmmmm cave water

🌠

Ren, trying to ask Lu out: Would you like to stay for dinner?

Ken: WOULD YOU LIKE TO STAY FOREVER?

🌠

Ren: Let me show you a picture from last night that really upset me

Lu: Okay, but in my defense, Ken bet me 50 cents I couldn't drink all that shampoo.

Ren: That's not what I wanted to- you drank SHAMPOO?!

🌠

Ren: Sometimes I drink milk straight out of the container.

Lu: The cow???

Ren: What?

Ken: Lu, W H Y?

🌠

Ren: What do you think Lu will do for a distraction?

Ken: They'll probably, like, make a noise or throw a rock. That's what I would do.

*Building explodes and several car alarms go off*

Ken: ... or they could do that.

🌠

Ren: What's a word thats a mix between 'sad' and 'mad'?

Lu: Disgruntled, miserable, desolated-

Ken: Smad.

🌠

*The squad is talking about what it'd be like to open up a homemade Pokemon gym*

Ren, joking: Lu's just sitting at the end, juggling- fushigi-ing 2 glass balls, in super tight pants, just waiting for their kid delivery once they best their minions.

Lu: Well they would be Pokeballs. And also it's not a kid delivery. There's no fucking guarantee that a kid that comes into the beginning of my crucible makes it to the end of it undefeated.

Lu: In fact, I'm gonna stack this gym! With fuckin pros!

Lu: It's- It's gonna be brutal. It's gonna be a torture gym.

Ken: Well- Well what's the theme? Are you like- is it a bug theme, or like-

Lu: YEAH, KEN. UH- UH- UH- UH YEAH KEN. IM GONNA OPEN UP A BUG TYPE POKEMON GYM. YOU IDIOT.

Lu: YEAH THAT'S WHAT I WANT, BECAUSE I WANNA GIVE- I WANNA SHIT OUT BADGES FOR EVERY HAM AND EGGER THAT COMES TO MY FRONT DOOR.

Ren: *Cracking up*

Lu: YEAH, KEN. 'Uhh, go Caterpie! >~>' That's me, you FUCKING imbecile. 'Yeah go- uhhh- d-do your best, Kakuna!'

Lu: WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING TALKING ABOU- Yeah a ~bug type~ gym.

Ken:

Ren: Okaaay-

Ken: Alright, um, I'm gonna go. I've embarrassed myself...

Ren: Maybe fire? Fire type?

Ken: Yeah fire-based? Like- have fires?Lu: Yeah, yeah I'll probably just- That's a good idea Ren I'll probably just do a fire type one... SO THAT ONE KID WITH ONE BLASTOISE CAN FUCK UP MY WHOLE SHOP.

Lu: KILLED ALL OF US WITH ONE BLASTOISE, HUH? WOW. SHIT I SHOULD'VE-

Ken: Just do rock, then! Just do rock type!

Lu, voice dripping with contempt: The same Blastoise...

🌠

Ren: WHY. why did you give Ken a KNIFE?!

Lu: I'm sorry. They said they felt unsafe.

Ren: Now I feel unsafe!

Lu: I'm sorry.

Lu: ... would you like a knife?

🌠

Ren: I really like this whole 'good guy, bad guy' thing you guys have going on.

Lu: It's not an act, it's just that I'm mean and Ken isn't

🌠

Ren, to Lu: My life is in the hands of an idiot!

Lu, motioning to themself and Ken: No no no no no, TWO idiots!

🌠

Lu: I am your king, long may I reign!

Ren: Well I didn't vote for you!

Lu: You don't vote for kings.

Ren: Well how'd you become king then?

Lu: Ken of the Lake, their arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Ren, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king.

Ren: Listen. Strange people lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

🌠

Ken: Dinosaurs aren't extinct. I mean, Lu is walking in this room.

Ren: *wheeze*

🌠

Ken: Who wants to make fifty bucks?

Ren: How?

Ken: I need someone to take the fall.

Ren: What did you do?

Ken: I can't tell you. Yes or no, no questions asked.

Lu, from the other room: Oh my god.

Ken: ...

Lu: OH MY GOD!

Ren: Make it a hundred.

Ken: Deal.

🌠

Ren: I hate to tell you this, but one of you was adopted.

Lu & Ken:

Lu: Only one...?

🌠

Lu: Ren doesn't look very happy.

Ken: That's their happy. They're just a bitch.

🌠

Ren: I lost Ken.

Lu: How did you LOSE Ken?!

Ren: To be fair, they are very small.