(WOW MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING O O F)

(Self harm, attempted suicide, just a lot of angsty stuff wow)

Johnny sighed as he flopped down onto his bed. 

Lately, things have just felt wrong. 

He doesn’t understand why though! Everything was fine in his life so he really couldn’t understand why things felt wrong. 

He had a wonderful mom, the best siblings, amazing friends and a pretty much perfect boyfriend.

Sure, things weren’t perfect. His relationship with his dad was still lowkey awkward and most people at school still didn’t like him but that really wasn’t something new. His life at the moment was a lot better than it has been. So why does he feel so… lost?

Johnny sighed as he rolled over in bed, staring up at the glow in the dark stickers on his ceiling. The room was quiet. Probably because it was past midnight and everybody was getting in bed by now and Johnny, as usual, wasn’t able to sleep well. 

Johnny sighed as he leaned over to his desk and grabbed his phone off the charger to find something to waste time on till he maybe tired himself out. 

He scrolled through his social media, smiling at some of the pictures his friends had posted. 

Marcus was a couple towns over, celebrating our school soccer team’s victory. Joey was over a couple towns as well, in a hotel room about to head to bed after yet another speech and debate competition. Last he checked, Nico was out hanging with his buddies. His siblings are all out being successful of course. So, Where did that leave Johnny?

It left him alone in his room at around midnight, on his phone, in the dark, wondering what his purpose in life is. 

Yay, existential crisis. 

He groaned and sat up, turning his phone off but keeping it in his hand. 

He needed a shower. 

He rolled out of bed and grabbed some comfy clothes, not really trying to pick anything flattering, just something comfortable before heading into the bathroom across the hall. 

He switched on one of the lights in the bathroom, letting it dimly light up the bathroom. He didn’t want to wake himself up too much so he only turned on one of the lights. It lit it up enough to see but not enough to make every detail in the wall easy to see. Then again, that could just be because Johnny is stupid and doesn’t ever wear his glasses. 

He sighed as he turned on the water and let it heat up, letting his hair out of it’s loose braid and undressing. He had only reached his boxers and t-shirt when he suddenly caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. That’s not exactly something new. That mirror has been there for years. Same mirror, same place. Same Johnny reflecting back at him. There was nothing different about him so why did he suddenly feel so hyper focused? 

He groaned slightly at all the questions he was asking tonight. He really was going into existential crisis mode tonight. 

He leaned his hands against the edge of the sink and stared into the mirror, as if expecting something to happen to him. 

It was so quiet. Why was it so quiet? Sure, their town was kinda small but it was fucking Friday! People are usually out right now. Why is there nobody out right now? It felt as though Johnny was the only person alive right now.

The thought terrified him. He grabbed his phone off the counter and opened up his messages between him and Nico, his boyfriend. 

Johnny:Hey is everything alright? You haven’t seemed too active. I mean, you are hanging with your buddies so I get it but I’m just checking in. You usually can’t pull yourself off your phone lol. 

Johnny and Nico still have little elements of their frenemy relationship within their actual relationship. It just fit them to constantly tease each other. 

Johnny glanced over at the pile of clothes that consisted of his jeans, socks and jacket. The simple image reminded Johnny of that night when Nico came stumbling over to his house after getting his butt kicked by some jerks at a party.

“You see? This is why you have to watch that smart mouth of yours sometimes.” Johnny teased, using a small towel dampened with warm water to clean up all the blood and dirt that covered Nico’s face and arms. 

Nico rolled his eyes at Johnny’s snarky remark as he held an ice pack to his eye.

“Hey, you can’t say shit. You got into a situation similar to this just last week.” He shot back.

“Yeah but I did it at school where I knew I wouldn’t get my butt kicked. I was smart about it. You weren’t.” He chuckled, earning a small pout from Nico. The pouty look didn’t last long though as Nico let a small grin spread across his lips.

“Fine. I’ll be more careful.” Nico admitted. “Thanks for helping me out. I probably would still be out there in pain if it weren’t for you.” Nico hummed, his eyes shifting from Johnny to the pile of clothes on the floor that happened to hold his leather jacket and t-shirt. After staring at the pile of clothes for a short moment he looked at Johnny once again, his signature smile on his face yet again.

“So yeah, thanks.”

The memory made Johnny smile very slightly. Ever since then Nico has gotten to a lot less fights. 

Johnny sighed as he looked at his phone again, hoping Nico had responded but so far there was nothing. No big deal, right? 

He hummed and looked into the mirror yet again.

Not long ago he remembered standing here like this. 

Freshman year of highschool. 2018. Not his best year considering he was just becoming a freshman. 

That was the year he got his first boyfriend. A cute blonde Jock named Wyatt. 

He met him at some random highschool party his brother told him he should go to. Not long after they met, Wyatt asked him out. Johnny never felt any bad vibe coming off of him so he never worried about what could go wrong.

He remembered the first picture that was shared on the internet of him and Wyatt. They were doing nothing wrong. Just a quick kiss on the cheek before class. Somebody thought it was such a big deal though apparently. They had shared it to a blog that belonged to the school where everybody got little updates about dances or where students from any school teams would post pictures after their winning games and junk. It started to become more of a gossipy site though the long it existed. Johnny wasn’t out at the time so that led to him basically being forced to come out. Wyatt wasn’t out either but the thing is, Wyatt was popular, Johnny wasn’t.

So, where did that lead? That lead to several people finding Johnny’s social media pages and spamming him with offensive names and slurs, basically blaming him for ‘turning Wyatt gay.’ Because that’s totally how that works.

He remembered seeing and hearing those names for days. Days and days, it wouldn’t stop. Even after Wyatt dumped him saying he was just pranking him or some bs like that, the insults never stopped. They only stopped once something just as ‘bad’ happened at their school. 

He had stood in front of his mirror just like he was right now, eyes red and sore with tears pouring down his cheek where a new bruise had formed after yet another fight with some jerks from school. 

Those words still haunt him. 

That simple memory made Johnny suddenly feel uncomfortable looking at his reflection. It also made the silence in the bathroom even more difficult to stand. He grabbed his phone and quickly threw on some random playlist to stop the silence. He chose some random sad boy playlist since he wasn’t in the mood for some musical or some boppy 2000’s hit. 

He remembered the water was still on and heated it up a bit more, deciding on taking a bath instead of a shower. He didn’t need a shower to get clean he just needed one to try and clear his mind but a bath sounded better. He plugged the tub and let it fill with water. 

The time it took to fill felt like forever. The longer it took the more the words and thoughts filled his mind. 

It was 2 am and here was his best friend Marcus, having a meltdown on his bedroom floor about not being good enough. 

Marcus had a lot in his life. He was popular because he was a jock. One of the best Soccer players at their school. He had lots of friends and admirers, teachers loved having him in their class. He would disrupt class with funny jokes or angered rambles about how whatever they were learning was total bs but even though he was totally disrupting the class, he did it in a way that made everyone laugh, even the teachers. He had two other brothers. One older and one younger. He also had three huge dogs to take care of. He was a pretty happy guy but he sometimes couldn’t help but feel unable to reach the high standards everyone had for him. 

Johnny had stayed up for hours just talking him back down to Earth. It was almost 5:30 when they finished talking. 

Marcus gave him a tired smile and spoke.

“Thanks John. You’re the best.”

He heard those words from Joey on a few nights as well.

He had heard those words several times actually. But, only when people needed something. What about on just a normal day?

Was Johnny really ‘the best’? 

Did people really think he was so great on a normal day?

No. They didn’t. How could they? Johnny wasn’t special. 

Joey was smart. Marcus was handsome and loveable. Nico was attractive and convincing. His sister Layla and his brother Angel. They were both attractive and talented and smart. His dad gave off such macho vibes and his mom was the sweetest thing you could ever meet. Everybody was just so amazing. They didn’t need him. He was there when they needed help but as soon as they got the help they needed, he wasn’t important anymore.

He could be a listening ear. He could patch you up if you were hurt. He could help you up when you were down. But could he do that for himself? No. He couldn’t

When he was needed, he was suddenly the best. But when he wasn’t needed? What was he?

A loser. A f*g. A W****. All those harsh words people had called him.

Maybe not even that. He didn’t affect any of those people that called him those harsh words. So what did that make him?

Nothing. 

Just a whole lot of nothing. 

The thought made Johnny feel weak. Tired. He slid down into the practically full bathtub, his shirt and boxers still on, the water still filling the cold porcelain tub. 

Nothing. He was nothing.

    He wasn’t special. He wasn’t anything unordinary. He was nothing. He was the bottom of the barrel of people.

    Tears forced their way out of his eyes as he sunk further down into the water, his body trembling. The once overwhelming silence was now overwhelming sound. The sound of the faucet filling the tub with warm water, the sound of some edgy song playing from his phone speaker on the counter, the sound of his ragged breathing and raging heartbeat. Everything was too much now. 

    He glanced over at the sudden sight of something shining in the light. 

    He squinted at the sight, unable to see it clearly. It was on the floor by the wall next to the trash can. 

    He hesitated slightly before grabbing it off the floor, curious as to what it was. As soon as he saw it he felt the sounds in the bathroom only intensify. 

    It was a razor blade.

    Johnny had been trying to cut his self-harming habits. He had stopped a while ago and so he had tossed out all of his blades. He found one in one of his drawers the other day and tossed it but it seemed like he must have missed when he tossed this one out. 

    He didn’t know why but he suddenly couldn’t toss it. He tried to will himself to throw it out but he couldn’t. 

    His breathing was so heavy and he wasn’t sure why. Everything felt so overwhelming and wild and he just wanted it to stop. 

    Without thinking he pressed the sharp edge of the blade to the inside of his wrist and tugged it down

    The pain he felt made a pathetic, choked up sound slip past his lips. 

    It hurt, it really hurt. But, it still achieved what he was aiming for. The sound stopped.

    The water was still running and the music was still playing but it wasn’t as overwhelming. It was like someone turned down the volume on a movie. The sound was still there but quieter.

    He sunk further down into the water as he stared at his arm, watching the usually sickening red liquid pour from his arm and leave intricate designs in the water, similar to dropping droplets of dye into water. 

    He was still trembling and his heart was still racing. 

    He hesitated just slightly before doing the same thing on the other arm, another choked out whimper forcing its way out of him.

    He felt dizzy. Not the good kind of dizzy where you’ve been dancing too much with your friends or riding around on a fast roller coaster for too long.

    It was the headache inducing kind of dizziness that made you feel sick and exhausted.

    It wasn’t until now had Johnny realized just what he had done. 

    Yet, for some reason he wasn’t scared. 

    He was afraid of dying and yet right now, he didn’t feel an ounce of fear in him. 

    Maybe it was because he realized it wouldn’t matter. It wouldn’t be that big of a deal in the end right?

    Sure, some people might be sad for a while but then after that, what? Everyone would move on.

    His parents would still have their other kids and grandkids. Joey and Marcus would go back to being their iconic dynamic duo or find another third person to complete their little squad. Nico would get another boyfriend. He wouldn’t be needed. They wouldn’t need him. 

    He didn’t matter.

    The thought made his heart ache but also seemed to relax him a bit.

    It hurt to think about how he wouldn’t be missed but the thought that they wouldn’t be hurting without him helped him relax. His slightly tensed muscles slowly relaxed as he sunk down beneath the water. 

    The sound of muffled music playing sounded somewhat calming. He could hear a faint banging sound but in his mind it just blended in as background noise. 

    This wasn’t too bad. This was okay. 

    Everyone would be ok..

Meanwhile. 

Neeks (Nico): Hey! Yeah i’m alright. Sorry babe, I was busy hanging with my friends. 

 Neeks (Nico): What’s up? Did you need something? You don’t usually message me when I’m hanging with friends. 

Neeks (Nico): Aww did you miss me so much you just had to check up on me? That’s cute.

Neeks (Nico): Seriously though, what’s up?

30 mins ago

Neeks (Nico): Hey, you alright? You usually never ignore my messages. You also don’t sleep at this time so I wouldn’t imagine you to be asleep.

Missed Call from Neeks

Missed Call from Neeks

Missed Call from Neeks

Neeks (Nico): Okay now that’s sketchy. You can’t sleep through my phone calls. You never turn off your ringer and you’re a light sleeper. 

Missed Call from Neeks

Missed Call from Neeks

Neeks (Nico): Hey babes? Did I make you mad or something? If I did I’d appreciate it if you told me instead of ignoring me. You usually don’t do that. 

Neeks (Nico): John come on. Answer your phone. Don’t make me call your mom and bug her. 

Neeks (Nico): Fuck it i’m coming over. You can’t ignore me then.

Nico drove to Johnny’s house. It was late so he wouldn’t be too surprised if he was asleep but he knew he wouldn’t be able to miss the constant dinging and ringing. He was too anxious to turn off his notifications so they were constantly on unless he was in class and even then he had it on vibrate and when it was resting on a desk the vibrations were really loud so he knew Johnny couldn’t just miss it. He was either ignoring him or… something worse. 

Nico didn’t like the idea of Johnny being hurt so he just hoped he was angry at him or something. 

He pulled up to his house, not surprised to see some lights on upstairs. The bathroom and Johnny’s bedroom were upstairs while his parents had a bedroom downstairs. 

He rushed up to the door and knocked. He knew where the spare key was but he didn’t want to just barge in.

After a couple extra hard bangs to the door, Rosa, Johnny’s mom opened the door looking a bit tired. He figured he might have woken her up. 

“Nico? Hi. What are you doing here so late? Does Johnny know you’re here?” She asked.

Nico shook his head.

“Sorry Rosa I didn’t mean to wake you up. I just. Is Johnny here? He won’t read my messages.”

“Oh I’m sorry. He should be upstairs. I heard the water turn on like 40 minutes ago so he’s probably taking a shower or something.” Her tired voice emphasized her spanish accent. 

“Alright. I’m gonna go check on him, is that alright?” He asked, feeling a bit relieved to know he was at least at home and not out getting hurt.

“Feel free.” She responded, letting him in.

He nodded to show his thanks before heading upstairs.

“John? Come on babe, don’t be like that. Just talk to me won’t…you..” His calls broke off when he noticed the water that was slightly wetting the carpet outside of the bathroom door. 

He rushed up to the door and banged on it, his anxiety bursting in his chest.

“Johnny, you alright? Come on, open the door. You’re freaking me out.” He practically begged, hoping for at least a small sign that he was okay in there. But he got nothing. No response. Not a single extra shuffle in the water or a change in volume from his phone. Not even that signature scoff that Johnny would give when annoyed or frustrated. 

“You know what, I’m coming in!” Nico finally said as he opened up the door, glad they hadn’t fixed the broken lock on their door. 

He was hoping that maybe Johnny was just really good at ignoring but just as he feared, that wasn’t it. What he saw was so much worse. 

Johnny. His Johnny. He was completely submerged in water. The water, instead of it being crystal clear with that slight tint of blue was tinted pink and looked fogged and dirty. The water had been obviously running for a while considering the fact that it had almost completely flooded the floor and was now cold. There was not a single hint of movement from Johnny.

Nico felt his eyes burn with tears as he rushed into the bathroom, grabbing onto the wall to make sure he didn’t slip on the water. 

He dropped down onto his knees next to the tub, shutting off the water and pulling Johnny out of the cold, contaminated water. 

He had no struggle lifting him up and laying him in his lap. He didn’t care that he was soaking wet and was getting water on Nico’s jeans, he was just so worried about his boyfriend.

He almost wasn’t sure what the hell happened. Almost. That was until he saw the deep red cuts on his arms. 

“Johnny! Shit, what did you do? What the hell did you do?!” Nico’s voice was trembling and filled with anger. Of course he wasn’t angry with Johnny, he could never be angry with Johnny but he just didn’t know what to think. Nico’s natural response to bad situations was anger so that’s how he acted here. 

“God, you’re bleeding a lot, shit. Rosa!” He called for Johnny’s mom, not sure what else to do right now, Well, he knew he had to call 911 but he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t even think about putting Johnny down right now.

He looked back at the door when he heard a set of panicked gasps. He saw Rosa and Tony, Johnny’s father, both standing in front of the door. 

They looked terrified. He wouldn’t blame them. 

“Call 911 please!” Nico begged holding Johnny tighter. Tony ran downstairs to call, Rosa following close behind. Nico wasn’t sure if she went to make sure Tony wasn’t too aggressive with the operator or if she just couldn’t handle seeing Johnny like that. It slightly angered him that she wouldn’t stick around to help Johnny but at the same time, deep down he understood. Even he could barely look at Johnny right now. He could only imagine how Rosa felt right now. 

He looked down at Johnny yet again and let the hot tears slip down his face.

“Damnit Johnny. You said you had stopped. You said you were okay.” He whimpered, pulling him closer. 

Johnny was always super tiny, especially compared to his friends and family but right now he looked even smaller. Practically the size of a toddler. His skin was even paler than usual and he was just so out of it. There was no fire. No snarky comments or teasing remarks. Not even a hint of one coming from Johnny anytime soon. He was like a burnt out match. 

Nico tilted Johnny’s head back and pressed his fingers against his neck, feeling for a pulse. It took a bit. Longer than Nico would have hoped for but he did eventually find a pulse. He gripped his arms, putting pressure on the wounds to try and stop all the bleeding. 

He begged and he pleaded to something. Someone. Whatever might be looking over them right now. He begged for them to help Johnny make it. He couldn’t imagine what might happen to him if he lost Johnny. They hadn’t been together long but he knew for a fact that he would suffer without Johnny. As selfish as it may sound, he needed Johnny. He loved Johnny and he wouldn’t last long in this world without him. 

Nico heard a small, weak sound come from Johnny. That simple sound was enough to make Nico pull him closer, brushing the hair from his eyes and inwardly pleading with whatever being was helping him wake up right now. 

Johnny’s eyes slowly fluttered open. He looked somewhat spaced out, his green-brown eyes were dull and tired looking but it showed he was there. He was alive.

“N..Nico?” His voice was tiny and shaky as he looked up at Nico’s watery blue eyes.

“Yeah! Yeah. It’s me Johnny. I’m right here.” Nico was breathing a little heavily now. He had been holding his breath when he saw Johnny open his eyes and was just now breathing again. 

Johnny seemed lost and confused for a couple short seconds. It seemed to hit him however when he felt Nico put more pressure on his arms. 

A small pathetic whimper forced its way out of his mouth as small tears slipped down his cheeks.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t. I wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t… I couldn’t…” Johnny couldn’t seem to find anything to say. He knew exactly what he had done but he didn’t think about what would happen if he survived. What was he supposed to say now?

“Hey, Hey. Don’t be like that. I’m not mad. You don’t have to be scared, okay? I’m not mad… But Jesus baby you scared me.” He chuckled lightly, hoping it helped Johnny calm down. It kinda did. It made a small sliver of a smile appear on Johnny’s face before vanishing again. 

    Nico sighed and held him tightly, resting him against his chest as he held him tightly.

    “You’ll be okay baby. The ambulance is on their way, okay?” He felt Johnny tense up in his arm.

    “I know, that sounds scary but you’ll be okay.” 

    “You think so?” Johnny asked, sounding absolutely drained. 

    “Of course I do.” 

Johnny shifted their position so Johnny could look at him before he linked their pinky fingers together.

    “Promise?” He whispered

Nico smiled weakly before gently kissing his forehead.

    “I promise.”