- David Bowie, Let's Dance -

https://open.spotify.com/track/0F0MA0ns8oXwGw66B2BSXm

September 18th

We were at the party. For some reason I found myself backed up against a wall with a drunk boy pinning me in place. Ellen had recognised him as being in one of her lectures so I figured: Hey, what can go wrong?

By this time, everything could go very wrong.

The guy was hot enough. The trouble was that he was fully aware of his own hotness and at this moment he stood there leering at me as if he was waiting for me to fall on my knees and worship him.
Literally.
He made me feel as if I was doing something I shouldn't, just by standing there with him.
Before the party, I had promised Ellen to live a little and as I had been cornered by this boulder of a human being, she was on the dancefloor sucking face with some random she had spotted on arrival.
That girl never wasted any time.

I was wondering if there was something wrong with me. I could see that this boy in front of me was attractive in his own way. He had these golden brown eyes and black hair combined with even features that somehow reminded me of a young Elvis Presley.

I found myself wanting to draw his portrait, considering in the back of my mind if charcoal or watercolour would be the best medium.

He on the other hand had made it abundantly clear that he wanted to do something completely different.
I turned my head to take a swig of the beer I was holding.

I followed up with a modest smile, while considering what excuses I could safely make to get away from him.
Without warning he lay a hand on my neck and pulled my head towards him so my beer sloshed over my hand. My whole face was squashed into his as he drunkenly opened and closed his mouth, like a fish, in search of mine. I buttoned my lips, but couldn't stop this slobbering boy from rubbing his wet mouth all around my face.
At some point I had to breathe. He had my nose flattened on his cheek, meaning I had to open my mouth for air. I sucked as much air in as I could before he twisted me up to find my lips.
I gave up any hope of getting a soft, gentle, sweet kiss, and fearing my scalp being black and blue from his grip, I went for the option of least resistance.
I decided to stay still rather than try to squirm away.
After lip-wandering around my face, he eventually found my mouth and I felt his tongue immediately stab for entry. I don't know why I was surprised, but it was enough to encourage him. I suddenly found myself with his tongue attacking mine in the same way a medieval knight would have attacked a dragon.

Forcefully and without mercy.

There was no way to escape this without actually biting him. Making a decision to at least try to relax into it, I figured there might be something in it for me. I might even begin to enjoy it. Cautiously I moved against him, causing him to actually moan.

I mentally rolled my eyes. Were guys really this easily turned on?

I hadn't even done anything!

I was sensing a beer-induced burp inching it's way up. I wondered for a moment if burping into a kiss like this would actually be considered rude.

He pulled me closer. His teeth scratching my lip and his tongue playing whisk on mine.
Yep.
Burping would be on the agenda.

I had to free myself somehow. I lay the hand not holding my beer up on his chest and pushed carefully. He slowly drew back until he let go of the face-lock with a big self-satisfied grin.

I took the opportunity to draw a deep breath, realising I was dizzy from lack of oxygen.

"That good huh?" He grinned, interpreting my breathlessness in the completely wrong direction.

My face was drenched from my nose down to the tip of my chin. My bottom lip felt like it had been half chewed off.

I released the burp. I didn't even care if the lukewarm beer-small hit him straight in the face. I didn't want another kiss.

He drew back with a smirk, not fazed by the burp and loosened the grip on my neck. I feared some severe bruising. Without ceremony he grabbed my beer and drained it in one gulp, before wiggling his eyebrows at me.

Great.
Now I was slobbered on, chewed on and without a drink.

"You kiss like a fucking pro!" he said, leaning in to actually chew on my ear.
As in, biting.
With teeth.
Not even close to nibbling.

I took the opportunity to wipe my face dry on his shirt. As his mouth started travelling along my jawbone in what he probably thought was a seductive manner, trailing a new wet path of slobber. I realised I could not survive another "kiss".

"Thanks, 'cos your kissing sucks!" I replied into his ear.

He stood up straight and stared at me as if I had all of a sudden turned blue.
I took the opportunity of his sudden distance to wiggle out of his grip.

"I need a piss!" I announced before heading to the ladies loo to check the damage done to my face, hair and anything else. I looked around to see Ellen still attached to her guy. I shook my head. When had this hedonism become standard?

I had allowed instant attraction to overcome me once in my life. That had resulted in several new experiences and a walk of shame to the nearest pay-phone to get Simon to help me out. My knight on shiny Honda moped had arrived half an hour later as my self loathing had reached a record low. He found me sobbing, in stained skirt and smeared make up, sitting on the curb.

Wrapping my arms around Simon on our way back to his house had felt safe. He never asked that night, but the next morning he had wanted to know what happened. As I admitted my misbehaviour, he laughed and gave me a hug.

"Little, sweet, innocent, Izzy," He whispered into my hair.

"I'm six months older than you!" I reminded him him while still wiping my tears and feeling like a complete idiot.

Simon gave me a wizened look.

"You will never be older than me unless you allow yourself to be impulsive once in a while. What if that guy was supposed to be the love of your life and you just ran out at 2 am?" He said.

"I didn't run... He offered to get me a taxi," I muttered.

Simon's face clouded before pulling me into another hug.

"It's okay, Izzy. You were right to call me," He muttered.

I hugged him back, wondering why not all guys could be like Simon.

Bringing my mind back to the party at hand I spotted Veronica standing in a corner. I walked over hoping to avoid Alex.

"Sooo.. Alex, huh?" She drunkenly slurred.

"Nah..." I shrugged.

"Seriously??? You don't want the hottest guy on campus?" She said, staring at me.

"He's cute. He's just a bit... too much?" I explained.

At that I felt a pair of arms wrap around me and a drunken Alex slobber into my ear.

"You disappeared," He accused.

"Yeah... Have you met Vero?" I said trying to think on my feet. I was in no way going to let this boy any closer to me.

Vero's eyes widened.

Alex looked at her. He was still clutched on to me, but I could feel him draw a breath. He released me and more or less pushed me to the side ending up between me and Vero.

He threw a look back and forth between us with a widening grin.

Before he could even assemble the thought of a thresome in his mind I took a step away.

"See ya," I waved at Vero and left them to it. There was no way I was going to suffer more of that so called kissing. Veronica could have him.

I got myself another beer, and as I drank it, I realised that I was on my own. I sat back and looked at the crowd.
Spotting Freddy from my class I headed over and sat down with his crowd. At least I could try to have a normal conversation at this party.
Freddy smiled as I sat.

"Hey. You're Izzy, right?" He asked.

"That's me. And you're Freddy?" I asked back.

"Correct," he grinned as we shook hands.

I finally managed to find one normal person.
Mildly drunk I realised I was in dire need of expanding my horizons. I depended too much on Ellen and Simon, leaving me somewhat stranded without them.

"So Freddy. What are your goals in life?" I asked, deciding to start by getting to know at least one new person.

"Climb Everest, see the sunset over the Pacific ocean, be a world famous photographer," he listed.

I nodded approvingly.

"Illustrator," I declared solemnly pointing to myself.

September 21st.

"God I wish I was special!" I sighed while sitting on the park bench during lunch with Ellen and Vero.
The september sun was still warm and we were lucky to snag an actual bench. Most of the lawn was dotted with students soaking up the sun.

"But you are special Izzy" Ellen said with the innocence only she could muster.

Veronica giggled to herself and I saw a sudden malice in her eyes.

"Well... if you become any more special, people will laugh and stare" Veronica smirked.

I shot a deadpan look at Vero and turned back to Ellen, deliberately ignoring the last comment.

"I mean... I am a gray mouse... I wanna be something else... I'm bored with me!" I stated

Ignoring Vero's muttered "Aren't we all?", Ellen gave me a studying look.

I shot Veronica a questioning look. What was her problem?

"So why don't you do something about it? We could go shopping for some new clothes, have a haircut whatever... There is nothing stopping you is there?" Ellen asked, deliberately blanking out Vero's dramatic eye rolling and tragic sighs.

I smiled at Ellen's kindness and there and then decided something would be done soon.

"Let's do it. You can help me pick some new clothes!" I said and grinned at Ellen.

"You'll end up looking like a slut!" Vero chuckled

"What is your problem today?" I turned to her and asked with a bit more malice than what I had intended

Vero looked at me with a hateful look.

"Changing your clothes won't get you Alex you know. I know you played hard to get and pushed him on me to test him," Vero snapped.

I gaped.
And stared.
Then started to laugh.

"I don't want that slobbering boulder!" I laughed.

"Really. Then why was he telling me how you were all over him on saturday?" Vero said with a tight face and a hateful look in her eyes.

I facepalmed.
In public.

"Vero. I do not under any circumstance want someone so jacked up on himself that he can't see his own toes!" I clarified.

Vero looked at me suspiciously.

"Seriously! Izzy not want Alex. You can have him," I said.
As if boys were items to be bought, sold, bartered for and traded.

Veronica had become over just a week my greatest mystery. She was opinionated but changed her opinions as soon as the wind changed direction. She used her body as a physical entity separate from herself and thrived on male attention. Simon had nicknamed her "Boobs" after having her cleavage shoved into his face on a few occasions.

Vero's face descended into a condescending smirk.

"Don't know why I thought he'd want you. You are just a plain jane anyway," She said.

"For fucks sakes, Vero... ," I muttered.

Veronica stood up with a victorious look on her face.

"If you want Alex, go find him. I don't want him or anyone like him," I huffed, sending Vero on a hunt for her prince charming with a wave.

Ellen was holding back a serious burst of laughter when I turned to her again.
Veronica was a fair weather friend. Mindless chatter on good days, thunder if she felt at a disadvantage. I had hit a thundercloud.

"Seriously! The boy slobbered on me as if he was a dog... and then he drank my beer. My beer!" I complained.

"Sometimes I wonder what it would take to win you over," Ellen giggled.

"If.. and that is a big if... I was to fall for someone, I'd need a down to earth, normal guy. Not some muscle-boulder with personal space issues. I want someone who is as passionate about whatever he does as I am about my arts. And he needs to be funny," I said, reeling off the list i had compiled after my debacle with the nameless boy.

"And not slobbery?" Ellen giggled.

"Not slobbery!" I nodded.

"Nobody will ever live up to Simon will they?" she laughed.

I widened my eyes at her, before giving her a look of as much exasperation as I could muster.

"I don't want Simon!" I huffed.

"Suuure," Ellen giggled.

"Yes... I'm sure. Besides he's too hung up on you!" I replied shutting Ellen's laughter up mid Hah!.

I wasn't even making that up.

Since starting at the academy the week before, every spare moment in the studio that left us free to talk had become some kind of Ellen-fact-check. He wanted to know everything about her, but went about it much like disarming a bomb. On Monday it had been a case of "Did you and Ellen have fun at the party?" before moving on to "Did they play Ellen's kind of music" and "Did you and Ellen go home together?". I didn't even think he knew there had been a party! Needless to say I did not mention Ellen's lip locking or the fact that she made her own way home some time on sunday morning. That much she could tell him herself. If it ever came to that.

This was Tuesday and I had considered doing a questionnaire to shut him up. I loved Ellen more than anything, but I really did not have all the information Simon was fishing for.

Ellen's face however made me laugh. She was desperately trying to gain some kind of code from what I had said.

"Me?" she squeaked.

"Mhm..." I nodded.

Ellen suddenly became very quiet.
For a long time.
I patted her arm.

"Ellen. Do you like Simon?" I asked carefully.

"NO!" she almost shouted.

"Are you sure? 'Cos I see a blush that tells me otherwise," I teased.

She studied me for a moment. Then she sighed.

"He's hot. But I don't want to steal your man," she said.

"You're not stealing him. Trust me," I grinned.

It looked like it was time for some set-up.

Looking across the grounds I saw a familiar looking scruffball standing with a few other similar scruffballs in vintage band t-shirts. He smiled and nodded at me.
I loved that smile.
It always made me feel confident and safe.
So I smiled back at him.

"He's right there," I said nodding over and turning my eyes back to Ellen.

Ellen stared at me with murderous intent.

"Do not call him over!" she warned.

"I won't," I said.

Ellen hated situations like this.
I had known her long enough to know that she had turned down boys she liked out of sheer embarrassment or because they had asked at the wrong time.
The best thing to do was to get Simon to make the first move, but he was so damned slow it would be christmas before he got his act together.

"Tell you what. Simon's birthday is in about a month. I was going to sort him out a party and I could invite you along?" I suggested.

Ellen looked sceptical.

"It will give you a month to make your mind up," I said, trying to keep my voice even.

Ellen suddenly froze up and looked behind me.

"Sounds good... But I've got to go. Bye," she flustered before she grabbed her bag and practically ran up into the economics building.

I turned and saw the boy she had been attached to at the party, looking at where she had ran with a confused look on his face.

I stood and wiped the crumbs slowly from my clothes before gathering my things. He was still standing there.

I turned to look at him. Not a bad looking boy. Dark skin, friendly face and broad shoulders, just the way Ellen usually liked them. .
The trouble was that she also prefered single servings.
If my memory served me right, he was called Nate and studied some computer programming course a year above ours

"Sorry kiddo. Ellen had to go," I told him with a smirk.

"Yeah, but... I thought...?" he said looking more confused than ever.

"You may have, but she didn't," I shrugged and turned for the arts building.

"Erm.. You don't happen to know...?" He started behind me looking rather forlorn.

"I know absolutely nothing, sorry," I called back to him and left.

I had to giggle to myself.

I was actually getting quite good at letting down Ellen's victims. She never actually tricked them, but i swear there was a trail of broken hearts in her wake. It usually took her a couple of dates before she had sex with someone. She very rarely even considered going home with someone on the first meeting so this one must have been special. But even so, she didn't want anything else to do with him right now.

I just hoped Simon wouldn't end up on the same reject-pile.

Later in the afternoon I was sat in a cafe in the town centre with Ellen and a cup of coffe surrounded by a few bags of clothes. With Ellen's honest opinions I had managed to if not revamp my style, at least update it.

There were actual skirts in there. Even a leather skirt Ellen had convinced me to get. And I had bought a pretty, navy blue strapless dress with pleated skirt and a burgundy sash, that had been on a sales rack. I had gone back to it five times before deciding to get it.

Ellen looked up from her frothy moccachino.

"So! What are we doing next weekend?" She asked.

"If you're asking me to go to a party so you can hook up with someone, I'm not going," I warned.

"I don't do that!" She hissed.

I smirked.

"Then what was the deal with that Nate guy today?" I asked.

"Errrm.. That was different," she said and actually had the modesty to blush.

"He was actually cute, Ellen! Why did you run away from him?" I asked.

"Because... I didn't want to speak to him," She muttered.

"I don't know why you do this," I told her.

"Do what?" She asked, sending me a warning look.

"You hook up and then leave them stranded! And then you kick yourself for weeks about it," I told her.

She looked out of the window with a sigh.

"Ellen. I love you and I hate to not know what is going through your mind. It's been a year of you randomly hooking up and leaving me to pick up the pieces. I want to know why," I said laying a hand on hers.

Ellen looked at me with sad eyes.

"Do you remember William?" she whispered.

"Do I remember William? How can I forget William. You were obsessed!" I smiled.

"Yeah!" she sighed.

"And he left for University and that was it," I stated.

Ellen shook her head.

"That wasn't it at all," She muttered.

I looked at her. Silence is sometimes the best reply.

"He asked me out last summer. Made everything seem right. The last weekend was supposed to be us, and as I turned up to his house, he had his face buried so deep between some random girl's legs, I'm not sure he could breathe. Then he told me to join in and told me I was so shit in bed he had to get off with someone else to remember what good sex was supposed to be," Ellen nearly whispered, tears welling in her eyes.

I felt my own bottom lip shudder.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked.

Ellen shrugged.

"I thought doing it with someone else would prove him wrong. And every time it felt wrong, I found someone else to see if it could be different," She muttered.

I stroked her hand gently.

"So why did you run from Nate?" I asked.

Ellen looked at me.

"Because... He's the first guy to tell me I was beautiful," She whispered.

I felt a smile cross my face.

"So, give the boy a chance!" I said.

Ellen shook her head.

"No," She shook her head.

"You never know. He might actually be good for you," I suggested.

Ellen looked at me with a smile through the tears in her eyes.

"You don't hate me for being a skank?" she asked.

"Nope!" I shrugged.

"Oh, Izzy... why do you have to be so good? Makes me feel like satan incarnate!" she asked.

I shrugged with a smile.

"I'm not good, Ellen. You know that," I said, thinking that if Simon hadn't come on his moped to pick me and my broken heart up in the middle of the night, I could have ended up with the same decisions Ellen had made.

I smiled at her.

"We'll figure it out. Nate, Simon or single..." I teased.

"Yeah," Ellen said brightening slightly.

She took a sip of her milky coffee before suddenly getting a glint of ironic mischief in her eyes.

"Now.. If i could have both Simon and Nate...," she grinned with a raised eyebrow.

I laughed.
My Ellen with the dirty mind and dark humor was back.