- I Love Rock n Roll, Joan Jett -

https://open.spotify.com/track/0p20xyAdYkaxAPWdXr0sir

- October 22nd -

Our first gig as a four piece band was coming up, and I was dying.
I spent every spare moment in the band room and had even asked Simon to come to my house to rehearse some extra.

I had a load of their old songs memorised and we had rehearsed a few new ones to suit my female voice.
I had insisted on Alone by Heart, even though it was a super-sappy song. Simon wanted a few Joan Jett tunes and there were a few Blondie and No Doubt songs that needed some work before they were gig-worthy.
Oddball had asked if we could rehearse a few Siouxie Sioux but I had trouble doing her songs any favours.
But now I was in doubt if I could do any of them.

"Will you just chill, Izzy? You know these songs. You are going to nail it," Simon said on the Friday holding a hand on each of my shoulders and staring straight into my eyes with a patient look.

My nails were bitten to the quick and I was regretting ever joining the band.

"What if they hate me?" I asked.

"They won't," Simon said.

"What if they boo because I sing off key?" I asked.

Simon sighed.

"Izzy. You are the best thing to happen to this band. You are going to be fine," he reassured.

"Besides... you have the three hottest guys on campus backing you up. Chances are they will be too busy eyeballing us to look at you," Odd grinned.

"Great... I'm a grey mouse with a squeaky voice who's gonna puke on stage," I huffed and dumped myself on the cushions in the corner.

"Hey. I didn't mean it like that Izzy! Any of our male audience are going to worship you!" Odd said trying to back pedal.

"Happy medium, Oddball. Happy fucking medium!" Simon muttered at the drummer.

"Okay... But she is a stunner. They are going to love her!" he said defensively.

I buried my face in my knees while Odd and Simon argued over my looks and appeal.

"Hey. You'll be fine," I heard Ethan say quietly next to me.

"Then why do I feel so scared?" I asked wiping tears from my cheeks.

"'Cos you're human," Ethan said.

I looked up at him to see a sympathetic smile.

"Thanks," I said grabbing the kleenex he was holding out to me.

"Just pretend the audience isn't there. That's what I do," he shrugged.

I blew my nose embarrassingly loud.

"Yeah. I forgot you struggle with this crap. You just seem so... strong. So used to this," I said

"I fall apart before every show," he smiled.

"But... You're Ethan the rock-god!" I said trying to make a joke of it.

"Don't know about any divine powers, but I hate the five minutes before a gig," he laughed looking embarrassed.

I looked at him more closely for a few moments.

He sat there, all quiet, not asking anything from me.
His presence.
His calm.
His empathy.
It helped calm my nerves.
He had his guitar on his knee, shifting his fingers on the fretboard without actually playing. Just practicing changes and shifts.

He glanced up from the guitar towards me.

"It calms me," he said when he realised I was looking at his fingers. I realised I was calmer too.

"Thank you. I feel better now," I said.

"Yeah, well. Wish I could tell you it gets better," he shrugged and something in his posture told me he was steeling himself for the gig.

"Good job there's two of us," I smiled.

He nodded.

The next day I was picked up from home in Odd's old van. My mum waved me off and I settled into the front seat next to Ethan, who looked pale and ready to puke. Simon sat in the seat in the back patting Ethan's shoulder.

"It's fine, buddy. Once you're out there it'll be good," he said.

Ethan was staring straight ahead breathing in shallow breaths. I suddenly realised that my nerves were nothing compared to what he was going through.
Remembering his kindness the day before, I wanted to help him out. Simon's pep-talk seemed to be having no effect at all.

Gently I took his hand and stroked my fingers across the back of it.
His palm was sweaty and I felt him shaking.
I wasn't quite sure what to do but holding my fingertips inside of his palm, I shifted my fingers as if changing chords on a guitar. Something about the way he had practiced silently the day before made me think that guitar playing was his anchor.

He closed his eyes and slowly drew a deep breath before releasing it shakingly. Then he turned his face towards me with a smile.

"Thank you," he whispered and squeezed my hand, stopping my fingers from moving.
For the rest of the journey I just held his hand, carefully stroking the back of it with my thumb if I felt him tensing up. Once we arrived, we were made busy setting up and doing soundchecks for a couple of hours. Oddball studied electronics and had responsibility for the band sounding good through the speakers. I didn't get it, but he had a laptop and some wires that seemed to make sense to him. I sat at the drums beating them for a while and he had me singing into the mike. That was my part of the soundcheck.

Ethan was useless. He would tune his guitar over and over but was shaking and looking absolutely terrified. My own nerves were giving me an overactive bladder, but now that it was all happening, I was more excited than nervous.

"Let's go eat," Odd announced when we were satisfied with the set up.

"You need your bloodsugars up," Simon said with an arm around Ethan's shoulder.

"Most useless rockstar ever," Odd laughed at me, indicating Ethan's sorry state.

He looked ready to cry.

I shook my head at Odd as we headed for the venue's kitchen to scrounge something to eat. The event was well catered and Simon had stipulated feeding into the contract. From sheer routine, the boys sat Ethan down and placed a coke in front of him.

"Drink up," Simon said and handed me one too as Odd returned with four plates piled high with buffet food. I sat down next to Ethan. He was so quiet and deathly pale.

I took his hand again.

"You'll be okay," I said softly.

He drew another shaky breath before looking at me. He was terrified.

"Why do you put yourself through this?" I asked.

"Because music is all I want to do," he replied quietly.

I suddenly had an urge to tease him.

"All you want to do? No sleep? Food? Kissing?" I teased.

He looked at me with surprise before breaking into a smile.

"Just focus on me if it gets bad. Pretend that I'm the only person there," I suggested.

"Thank you, Izzy," he said and squeezed my hand slightly before letting go to open his can of coke.

Something about his smile warmed a part of me I never knew I had. He was so fragile and yet so determined and strong. Suddenly I had to focus to avoid my smile getting too wide. When he moved his eyes from mine, it felt like a physical connection had been broken.

The other two had wolfed down most of their food.

"What the hell did you do?" Simon asked me staring at Ethan.

"What? " I asked.

"He's opening his own coke! And smiling!" Simon said.

Odd shot me a mischievous grin.

"Did you promise him special favours?" he taunted.

"Fuck off, Odd!" I laughed.

"Then what? He never smiles before gigs," Simon said.

I shrugged and tucked into my meal. Anything to save me from speaking and to stop this strange heat building up in my stomach at the thought of the boy next to me. Something about him made me want to smile and I was not convinced that this would be a good thing.

We returned backstage, and I got my bag of clothes out to change in the tiny little toilet we had been provided with.

I had decided on the pleated leather mid-thigh-length skirt Ellen had insisted on me buying, doc Martens boots, zebra striped tights and an off shoulder t-shirt with metal studs. I figured it was a good look for a vocalist in a rock band, playing her first gig. I kept my makeup simple. Eyeliner and lipgloss would be sufficient. I stuffed my jeans and jumper into the bag and left the toilet. I set my bag down and remembered that my hair was still in a ponytail. I unwrapped the elastic and shook my hair out before turning around to face the boys, worried my look might be wrong and not what they had in mind.

They were quiet. Very quiet.

Simon grinned and nodded approvingly. Odd sat there blinking.

"Too much?" I asked feeling stupid about not asking them the day before what they wanted me to look like on stage.

"Fucking ace!" Simon laughed.

"Oh man.. Nobody's gonna notice we're even there," Odd grinned.

"Guys... Do I need to change? Is this wrong? Is the skirt too short?" I asked.

"Nope. That's perfect," Simon replied.

"Good," I said still feeling self conscious.

"Is the skirt too short? ...You're in a rock band Izzy! And you sure as fuck look the part!" Odd grinned.

I smiled gratefully and picked up a bottle of water. I didn't want my voice to dry out.  Ethan had picked up his guitar and was off in a corner having entered some kind of trance. I wondered if he'd need another round of pep-talks, but he had a little smile on his face so I assumed he was all right.

A few minutes later we entered the stage and I saw the crowd.
That was my first shock.
I felt my nerves from the day before return and begun to sing with an uncertain undertone making me miss beats and drop notes.
It was awful. I heard myself singing badly, I cringed and waited for the boo's from the audience.
I never sang off key, but now the knowledge of all these people looking at me was getting to me. Simon stepped up to me after the first song.

"Breathe, Izzy. Just remember to breathe," he whispered.

I shot him a desperate look.

"I suck. Totally. I'm not even hitting the notes," I whispered back feeling a wave of nausea.

"Hey... At least Ethan is standing upright for a change," Odd said.

I looked over at Ethan who looked pale but was smiling. He was playing music. Perfectly in his element.

"If he can get over it, so can you. Sing little nightingale," Simon smiled at me.

Seeing the boys so happy. They were so confident. And it dawned on me that he smiles on their faces were all directed at me. These wonderful, supportive, funny, musical boys believed in me. They believed that I could make a difference. So I made a decision. I wasn't gonna sing for the audience. I was going to sing for those three boys. Because at that moment I understood two things.

First, that I had become part of something larger than the parts. We were four individual people, who together managed to be one complete, harmonious unit. It felt good.

My second revelation was that I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that I loved these boys with every ounce of my being. They had become so much a part of me and all three brought something I needed in my life. The playfulness of Oddball, the undying loyalty of Simon and the calm safety of Ethan. I wondered for a second what they might get from me.

"Okay. Bring it on," I said.

Odd started on the beat of the next song. Simon took less than a bar to join in and I knew the next bit was up to me. Breathing deep I turned to the mike again, before belting out a rip-roaring perfect rendition of Joan Jett's I love Rock'n'roll.
The rest of the gig was so much fun. Once I relaxed it became a thrill ride. I jumped around stage with Ethan and Simon and grooved along to whatever they were doing.
It was the most fun I had ever had in my life.

After my first gig, we cleared up and packed our gear before piling into Odd's rickety old van.

"What now?" Simon asked.

"Celebrating the best fucking band ever!" Odd whooped.

"With a stunning vocalist to boot," Simon said patting my leg.

I sat there feeling very happy. Everything had gone so well and the boys were so supportive. I wanted to be a part of something and here I was. In a band. I felt a grateful tear roll down my cheek.

"You ok?" Ethan asked quietly and leaned towards me.

"Yeah. Just very sentimental," I replied.

"Sentimental? About a bunch of losers with instruments?" he asked with a smile.

"Yeah. About some absolutely beautiful boys, willing to give a geek like me a chance," I said.

"You'll be exactly what we have needed," Ethan smiled at me.

I looked at him gratefully.

"Where to?" Odd asked.

"If you want to get a pizza somewhere we could eat at mine?" I suggested.

"Your mum wants to meet us huh?" Simon asked remembering my mums non-judgemental need-to-know style of parenting.

"Yep," I said.

So we got three large pizzas, loads of drinks and headed to my house where I led them down to my lounge in the basement. Once they were sat down I went up to get glasses and plates.

"I have the band-boys in the basement," I explained to my mum when she looked at the pile of plates.

She nodded and took the glasses for me before heading downstairs.

I rushed after to prevent any embarrassment.

"Hey Simon. Good to see you again," I heard as she entered. I busied myself setting plates out as Simon and my mum exchanged greetings and news about his parents.
I kept my head down dreading what my mum would say when she saw the other two. I loved her to the moon and back, but I swear my mum was born without a filter and could come out with pretty much anything. Suddenly I felt a finger touching the back of my hand gently. I looked up to see Ethan with a reassuring smile.

"It's all good. All parents are weird," he said.

Suddenly I felt calmer.
I stood up to face my mum as she turned to Oddball.

"Oh, wow... You look like you have issues... Whatever drugs you do, don't drag my daughter into it," she said, ignoring the permanent happy smile on Odd's face that suddenly turned confused.

"Odd doesn't do drugs, mum," I said with disdain sending an apologetic smile towards Oddball.

She turned and as she spotted Ethan, a smirk crossed her face before she landed on a friendly nod.

"Okay. So that black haired one looks lethal, but I think I need to keep an eye on you too," my mum said.

Ethan flicked a desperate look towards me and all I could do was shrug.

"I promise. Izzy is safe with us," Simon said swooping in to save the day.

I walked over and started herding my mum up the stairs.

"They look like nice boys, Izzy. Just use the basement and stay safe," she said hugging me.

"I promise, Mum. They are the best. You should have seen them on stage," I told her.

"I trust you, sweetie. Now go eat pizza," she smiled.

I hugged her back.

"Just... Iz.. You know you will be untouchable to other boys as long as you hang out with those three, right?" she said.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Three good looking boys? Other guys will never live up to it!" she laughed.

"I'm not in it to get a boyfriend, mum," I said rolling my eyes.

I returned to find a surprising amount of the pizza already consumed. I squeezed into the sofa and grabbed a piece before it all disappeared.

As I sat there between Odd and Simon I noticed Ethan had moved onto the floor and was sat by my CD collection.

"You really do have a varied taste in music!" He stated.

"Yeah... I'm kinda a genre whore," I shrugged, getting a sudden sideways look from Odd.

"Watch it potty mouth. These two might start thinking you're human," Simon laughed.

I was about to say something about how girls are allowed to swear.

Then I took in the rest of his statement.

"Of corse I'm fucking human. Dipshit!" I grinned at him.

Simon laughed and looked at Oddball.

"Told you. She looks like choir girl and swears like a sailor," He grinned.

Oddball sighed.

"Man... I thought we'd found a nice one," He smiled.

"I am nice! I am in fact the queen of fucking everything," I said with confidence.

I had two of them laughing next to me and a third shaking his head as he busied himself with my selection of music.

"Are you finding anything you approve of?" I asked.

Ethan looked startled as he turned to look at me.

"Yeah... You have lot's of good stuff here," he mumbled.

I made a mental note of maybe not swearing quite as much in front of Ethan. It seemed to bother him.

I grabbed a couple of pizza slices and handed him one as I sat down on the floor.

"What music do you like outside the bands playlist?" I asked, figuring it was time to get to know him a bit better.

"Anything. If it has a decent tune..." He said studying the back of an Elton John cd.

"Anything? Brahms? Tchaikovsky? Julio Iglesias?" I asked with a grin.

He looked at me with a frown before breaking into a quirky smile.

"Actually... I prefer Mozart. Beethoven if I play violin and Chopin on the piano," He smiled.

"As in... You play piano and violin? In addition to the guitar?" I asked with a frown.

"And bass, and drums, and pretty much anything that makes a sound," Simon supplied from the sofa.

"Seriously?" I asked. Ethan nodded with a look on his face signalling he didn't really want to be boasting about this.

"Huh. I thought i was clever for handling the guitar and ukulele," I frowned.

"Ukulele?" Ethan asked.

"Yeah. It's just for fun tho," I nodded.

"Never tried one of those," Ethan said with a crooked smile.

I stood up and hooked the little instrument down from the wall where it usually hung next to my guitar.

I did a quick C-G-D strum to see if it was in tune before handing it over.  Ethan looked at it curiously before testing the strings and carefully strumming.

"What was your C again?" He asked.
I shuffled over and moved his fingers about before giggling.

"This is what you were doing my first day in the bandroom," I said looking at him.

He nodded self conciously.

"You don't mind?" I asked moving his fingers into a C.

"Feels good," He said eccoing my words from when he had moved my fingers about.

I laughed and left him to play wih the little instrument while I looked for the little book with all the chords listed in it.

Before I had found it, Ethan had allready worked it out and had a three chord tune going.

I stopped and studied him for a moment.

"Told you. Musical prodigy!" Simon said with almost fatherly pride.

I decided to leave him to it and sat in one of the armchairs.

"I've had fun today," I said, feeling grateful for the satisfied feeling of belonging and acceptance that was settling over me.

"Yeah. We did good!" Odd smiled.