September 1997 

This is a really bad idea, Adam thought to himself, as he gingerly held the girl sitting in his lap, her face buried in the crook of his neck. He should let go. She had been through a lot. She just needed a shoulder to lean on. The last thing she needed was to realize she was turning him on.

He had taken her upstairs after running into her on the street on the way out of his apartment. He was supposed to be meeting his roommates uptown, but that would have to wait. Clearly, something traumatic had happened. He had recognized her right away. The shy little college girl, Jane. He’d meant to talk to her at the party, but she’d left before he had the chance.

In any case, the last thing she needed right now was for him to hit on her. She seemed to be in some kind of shock.

Her initial panic had subsided somewhat once they were inside with the deadbolt latched. She’d looked up at him, her eyes bright with tears.

“I was on a date,” she whispered.

“Did he try to hurt you?”

She’d nodded her head, looking down, as he reached out and took her gently by the upper arms. “Do you want me to call the police?”

 “No, no.”

“Come on. I should take you to the emergency room.”

She had leaned toward him then, bringing her hands up against his chest, and he’d slipped his arms around her. She was shaking like a leaf.

“No,” she’d spoken against his chest. “I’m OK. Nothing happened.”

“Something happened.”

“I got away. I got away before anything really happened. I’m so cold!”

He had led her to the couch then and sat her down, wrapping a ratty blanket around her shoulders before sitting down next to her. That was when she’d curled up like a little girl in his lap, pressing her face into his neck.

Now, he rested his arms around her gently and tried to distract himself from the pressure of her small frame against his body.

“Who was this guy?” he asked.

“He was a senior.”

“A senior. In college?”  He’d assumed she was in college, but just how old was this little girl?

“At NYU. What year are you?”

“No, I’m not in college. I dropped out.”

“Oh. Why? How old are you?” she asked.

“I’m 18. I wanted to focus on my music,” he explained.

“You’re a musician?”

“I’m in a band. My roommates and I. Didn’t you know that?”

She shrugged.

“What were you doing at our party the other night?”

“I don’t know. I just tagged along with a bunch of other people,” she admitted.

He smiled into her hair. “Well, I’m glad you did.”

“Me too,” she replied. “God, I’m so stupid.”

“No you’re not.”

“I can’t believe I just let that happen. It was totally my fault.”

“I promise you, it wasn’t your fault. Do you want to tell me what happened?”

She let out a long breath and started to recount the events of the evening. “I made out with him. I gave him the green light.”

“Let me explain something to you, Jane.” Adam gathered up her slight body as he spoke, holding it away from him for a moment so he could look into her face. “I am a guy, who has, in the past, on occasion, been known to hook up with a girl. I can tell you from a position of some authority that there is a code that a guy is supposed to follow. You go slow. You pause and give her a chance to slow things down. What you don’t do? You don’t just shove her in a car and start pulling her pants down.” He was getting angrier and angrier as he talked. “I’m sorry. The guy was rapey. He was a rapey guy. In no way, shape or form was this your fault. Do you understand me?”

Jane was starting to smile at him for some reason as he finished his speech. “I think I broke his pinky,” she said, looking up at him, “if that makes you feel any better.”

“That’s my girl,” he responded, grinning back.

Jane felt her cheeks growing hot as he smiled at her. She wasn’t quite sure how she had ended up alone in this apartment with her secret hopeless crush, let alone snuggling with him on his lap. He was getting himself all worked up on her behalf now, and she had to fight back down the involuntary smile that kept forcing its way onto her face.

An hour ago, making out with a different boy, she hadn’t known what to do with her hands, but now they seemed to have developed a mind of their own. They were resting against Adam’s chest, and she had to make a conscious effort to keep them still. He was wearing a thin green t-shirt, and her fingers itched to run themselves across the muscle and bone beneath. She blushed again at the thought, another idiotic smile twitching her lips, and she buried her face back into his shoulder to keep him from seeing.

“Thank you for doing this. I’m so sorry for laying this all on you.”

She was leaning into him again, and Adam felt her breath tickling his collar bone as she spoke. She’d smiled at him a moment ago, and he’d been unable to fight back the goofy grin that had popped up on his own face in response. He needed to get a grip. Fast.

“Not a problem,” he responded tightly.

“You were probably supposed to be somewhere.”

“Nope.”

“You were headed out when I bumped into you.”

“That I was.”

“I should go. I should let you go.”

“It’s cool. It’s too late anyway,” he said. “Really, it’s no big deal.”

“Where were you supposed to be?”

“We had a gig uptown. I already missed it. Don’t worry about it. Really.”

“Oh no! I made you miss a gig?”

“It’s all good. We have lots of gigs. It was a shitty club anyway.”

She looked up at him, trying to read his face. He smiled down at her crookedly to reassure her. The truth was, the guys were going to be furious with him. They were getting booked on the club circuit fairly regularly now, and all the progress they’d made could evaporate overnight if they got a reputation for flaking out. So why did he not feel the slightest bit of regret about missing the show tonight?

Jane was asking him something. “How long have you been playing music?”

“Oh, forever. You know, since we were kids.”

“And you’re the front man?”

“See, you did know I was in a band.”

“No, someone just told me you were the front man. I didn’t know what it meant.”

He laughed. “I play guitar and sing. And sometimes I write songs,” he added modestly.

“And you really dropped out of school? Like, permanently?”

“Pretty much.”

“So are you making a living doing this?”

“Well, not exactly. I have a crappy day job.”

“And what are you going to do if the music thing doesn’t work out?”

“I don’t know. Be a homeless person, maybe?” He chuckled. “I am pretty much horrible at everything else other than playing music.”

“I know for a fact that’s not true,” she said.

He raised an eyebrow. “Do you?”

“You could work for one of those rape crisis hotlines. You’re good at that.” She smiled up at him.

He laughed again. She was funny, this one. “Well, I guess that’s the back-up plan. So, thanks for that.”

“Glad I could help.”

She craned her neck to kiss him on the cheek while, just at the same moment, he was turning his head to look down at her. Her lips landed on his. Adam knew he should turn away, but he felt paralyzed. The slow heat he’d been fighting against for the past half hour had erupted in a burst of flame the moment their lips made contact. “This is wrong,” he said inside his head. “Let go now.” But he couldn’t quite bring himself to move for a long moment. He took her by the shoulders and pulled her away from him at last.

Her eyes had gone huge and bright and her cheeks were flushed. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from her lips.

“Jane, this is a bad idea,” he said.

“Don’t stop,” she whispered back.

“This isn’t what you need right now.”

“Please,” she said, reaching up and running her hands through his hair. “Don’t stop.”

Then she pulled his head down and kissed him again, opening her mouth, and he lost all capacity for rational thought. He kissed her hard, hungrily, and she raised herself up onto her knees, straddling his lap. She was running her palms up and down on his chest, and now she slipped them underneath his shirt so she was touching his bare stomach.

***

“I am a complete douchebag,” he said out loud, with a sheepish little smile, as he held her in his arms afterward.

“Mmmm,” she replied, snuggling against him like a kitten. “Why is that?”

“I can’t believe I just did that. I totally just blew my chances with the rape hotline thing.”

She giggled. “I don’t know. I’m feeling a lot better about everything just now.”

He laughed into her hair. “Yeah, well you’re probably going to feel a lot worse in the morning.”

“I don’t think so.” She was serious now. “Adam, I wanted you to do it. I told you not to stop.”

He pulled her close and gently stroked her shoulders. “Why?”

“It was nice,” she shrugged. “It felt good. Was it good for you?”

He let out a long, contented sigh. “You know very well you are damn good at that.”

She shrugged again in his arms.

“What, no one ever told you that?”

“I’ve never done it before,” she whispered.

He paused for a long time before replying, his shoulders shaking with silent, helpless laughter. “You were a virgin. And I am so going to hell.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to be a secret.”

Adam stared back at her for a moment. The chorus to a new song had just popped into his head, fully formed.

I know I don’t know you,

But I want you

So bad.

Everyone has a secret,

But can they keep it?

Oh no they can’t.

He made a mental note to write the lyrics down before he lost them again, but right now he had to finish this conversation.

“Why did you just do that?” he asked her, shaking his head in disbelief.

She looked up at him, her eyes wide again, a look that was both innocent and brazen at the same time. “I just wanted it more than I ever wanted anything in my whole life.”

He felt the air go out of the room as she was speaking. “You’ve got a lot to learn, little girl,” he said softly, brushing his thumb back and forth across her lower lip. “I think you better stay the night.”

Dear Readers: If you're enjoying the story, please don't forget to VOTE, COMMENT, and FOLLOW!

Thank you! <3