May 21, 2001

“First thing tomorrow, I’m getting a cell phone,” Adam silently resolved. He leaned against the filthy bank of payphones, searching his pockets for loose change. He’d already tried to call Jane’s cell three times, but it had gone straight to voicemail. Either she’d turned it off or she wasn’t picking up.

He gritted his teeth in annoyance as he eyed the entrance to the club just down the street. He should be inside right now, backstage celebrating with the guys. What a night it was turning out to be. They had just played to a capacity crowd at the Bowery Ballroom, and they had absolutely killed it. His heart was still pounding from the rush it had given him.

Until last month, the band had been grinding away at the club scene, slowly building their fan base, but never coming close to drawing a crowd this size. Their first real break had come when John Mayer happened to catch one of their shows and liked their sound. They’d hung out with him afterward, and Mayer had invited them to open for him at the one-night-only show coming up here tonight.

The icing on the cake, though, came after they’d finished their set just now. A couple guys from a record label were waiting backstage, wanting to talk. Adam hadn’t had time to look for Jane before getting corralled into the meeting. You didn’t keep a record label waiting. Now, as well as tonight’s performance had gone, he had a hell of a lot more to celebrate. Like a record deal. Like an offer to open for John Mayer on his upcoming 30-city tour. It was almost too much to take in, all in one night.

He couldn’t wait to tell Jane. He’d searched the whole club. Finally, one of the velvet rope guys remembered seeing her leave half an hour before. 

Now Adam pulled out two nickels and some lint from his pocket. He slammed his fist into the side of the payphone in irritation. This was an amazing night. He should be in there, he thought, with one last look back at the club. Instead, he turned and set out walking in the other direction, making his way toward home. “First we find Jane,” he told himself. “Then we have some fun.”

He had an inkling of what must have happened, of course. Typical Jane. She probably saw him talking to some cocktail waitress before the show. It meant nothing. It never did. After nearly four years together, you’d think Jane would know that by now, but she still had these bouts of insecurity. She would get it in her head that he was into some other girl, and then it was always the same routine. She’d start breaking up with him before he could break up with her, and he’d have to reassure her.

One of these days he’d convince her how special she really was to him.  It was getting pretty old, honestly. But then again, it was her only real flaw. Jane was otherwise the perfect girlfriend. Other relationships before her had always felt like work, but being with her was so effortless. Like breathing. When he was with her, it was almost like she wasn’t another person at all but an extension of himself. The idea of celebrating this night without her would be like celebrating without his left leg. Unimaginable.

Jane was special, he thought, smiling again in spite of his irritation. She was the one. His whole life was really starting to come together. The band was right on the brink of making it big. He could almost taste it. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. Jane was graduating from college next month and would be free to come out on the road with them. A shiver of anticipation ran down his spine at the thought. And when the ride was over in a few years, after he’d cashed in for all it was worth – well then he would settle down and marry her and spend the rest of his life as one of those washed up has-beens, playing concerts of his former hits for his aging fans.

***

Jane looked down at the empty suitcase laid out on the bed and swiped at her eyes again. No point feeling sorry for herself. She knew what she needed to do. It had become all too obvious, an hour before, as she stood backstage at the Bowery Ballroom, listening to those men talk. They hadn’t bothered to keep their voices low. What did they care if she overheard? Who was she, anyway? No one, that’s who. No one of any importance.

She shook herself impatiently. It didn’t matter. The point was, they were impressed with Adam. With the band too, of course, but mostly with Adam.

“He’s got it,” they had said. “That thing. That X-factor.”

She’d heard the whole thing. Adam was getting his record deal at last, and a major US tour to support it. They must have told him by now. He must be so excited, she thought with a sad smile.

She knew what it meant for him. It was the break he had been waiting for all this time. Maroon 5 was blowing up. It was so clear to her, watching him play to the packed club. He’d been on fire tonight. He was a star. He always had been – just needed someone to notice.

She’d honestly thought it was never going to happen. How many thousands of people out there had those same dreams? How many ever amounted to anything? No, as talented as Adam was, she’d always figured the band would eventually fail. Then he’d have to get serious. Figure out what he wanted to do with his life for real.

She’d been making plans for both of them – not that he’d ever bothered to ask her. Eventually, he would need to go back to school and get a degree. She would need a job that could support them both for a while. She’d just gotten the acceptance letter to Columbia Law School last week and had been waiting for a good moment to tell him, but she’d hesitated for some reason. Well, she knew very well what reason. Because he was going to be against it – this whole law school plan. She’d been prepping for the LSAT entrance exam all last fall, and he’d spent the whole time scrupulously avoiding the subject. He didn’t like her making plans. That’s not how their relationship worked. He led, she followed. That’s how it had always been between them.

It was for the best now, anyway, that she hadn’t told him about Columbia. It would make it that much easier for her to break away.

She’d left the club in confusion, trying to make sense of what she’d heard and what it meant for her.  Would she stay behind in New York while he went out on tour? Would she defer law school for a year and go with him?

It was all beside the point, she’d realized as she stumbled home. This tour was just the beginning. Once he went out there on the road, he was never looking back. He was going to be a big deal. There wasn’t going to be a plan B, a real job, a normal life. And when it came right down to it, that’s all she really wanted. A normal life. As much as she wanted Adam, as much as she loved him, she suddenly saw with an undeniable clarity that they were headed in two different directions.

There was only one answer. She had to let him go. He wasn’t going to like it. No, he was going to be mad as hell. And then he was going to be charming as hell, trying to get her to change her mind. He was utterly irresistible when he got like that – impossible to refuse.

That’s why she couldn’t give him the chance, she thought, as she started filling her suitcase with clothes and books. If she was really going to do this, it had to be a clean break. No contact. If she didn’t see him, he couldn’t make her change her mind.

“What are you doing?” she heard Adam’s voice behind her. She spun around guiltily. She hadn’t expected him home until late. She hadn’t had time to plan what she was going to say.

“What are you doing here?” she asked, playing for time.

“Um, I live here?” he said, his gaze taking in her reddened eyes, the half-full suitcase. He softened his tone. “Come here, little girl. You going on a trip?”

“We need to talk.”

He groaned. It wasn’t going to be that easy. Not this time.

“OK. We can talk. But can it just wait until tomorrow? OK? You aren’t going to believe what just happened back there!”

“I know,” she said. “I heard those guys talking back stage.”

“They want to sign us, Jane!” He was bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet, unable to contain his excitement.

“It’s amazing, Adam. I am so proud of you.”

“So come on! Come out! This is the best night ever! Whatever happened, we can deal with it later, OK?”

He reached for her arm, but she pulled away. She wasn’t getting through to him.

“I need you to listen to me,” she said.

He was rolling his eyes. She was going to have to plow ahead with what she wanted to say, whether he heard her or not.

“Adam, it’s so clear to me now, and I’m so happy for you. I really am. This is your dream. But the thing is, it isn’t my dream.”

“What dream?” he asked, glancing down at his watch. “Since when did you have a dream?”

“Since when did you bother to ask?”

The anger in her voice got his attention. “OK,” he replied, taking a more conciliatory tone. “Tell me. What’s your dream?”

“I don’t know – a house in the suburbs? A couple of kids? A husband who comes home every night?”

“We can do all that, Janie. I love you. There will be time for that later.”

“No.” She shook her head. “That’s never going to be your life. That husband is never going to be you. Don’t you see it, Adam? This is it. You’re blowing up. Nothing is ever going to be normal for you – not now.”

“So come with me!” he argued. “We can do it together.”

She shook her head again. “I can’t. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. My dreams may not be as exciting as yours, but they’re mine. That’s why I have to go now. I have to follow them. I’m never going to get there if I’m still in love with you.”

“Jane, this is crazy.”

“I love you,” she said, fighting to keep her voice steady. “But this is goodbye. For real. I have to go.”

Adam stared at her as she turned and continued to pack. He couldn’t believe she was doing this now. Tonight of all nights. Couldn’t the drama wait until tomorrow? He was losing his patience.

“So what do you want from me? Do you want me to quit the band?”

“No!” She spun back around to face him. “I could never ask you to do that. You’d spend the rest of your life resenting me, wondering what might have been.”

He threw up his hands in frustration. There was no way to win this argument right now. She was seriously starting to piss him off.

“Jane,” he tried one last time. “Seriously? Do we seriously have to plan our whole lives out tonight? The guys are waiting for me! We’re supposed to go out!”

“So go out!”

“This is the best night of my life!” he shouted back. “How am I supposed to celebrate without you?”

She just looked at him, shaking her head. “I don’t know Adam,” she said. “Maybe you should write a song about it.”

“Fuck you,” he replied, striding angrily out the door, slamming it behind him.

He didn’t come back that night. It was almost noon the next day when he finally came trudging up the steps, thoroughly hung over. He just wanted to sleep. He hoped like hell she’d let him sleep before she expected him to get into round two.

To his relief, the apartment was empty when he got upstairs. He went into the bathroom to run cold water over his face, and that’s when he saw it, there on the bathroom sink – her key and an envelope stuffed with cash, with one word written on it:

“Rent.”

He picked up the key with a harsh laugh. She’d never pulled a stunt like this before.

“She wants me to write a song about it?” he muttered to himself. “I’ll write a song, all right.”

He picked up an old tube of her lipstick and started scrawling bright red across the white tiled bathroom walls, the words coming to him faster than he could set them down:

This love has taken its toll on me.

She said goodbye too many times before.

And her heart is breaking in front of me,

But I have no choice ‘cause I won’t say goodbye anymore.

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