The smoke billowed down my lungs, creating a mist of pure perfection. It settled my thoughts and nerves, it slowed my tapping foot. I loved the feel of a cigarette between my fingers, even if I know I shouldn't.

Time was passing with each breath, but I didn't have long before I would have to enter the apartment again. The break had been useless, seeing as I didn't know more now than I had before. I was still confused and still unsure of how to proceed.

The stakes were tremendously high. If anything went wrong, we would most likely end up in a situation that was even worse than our awkward dance around each other. We could reach the end before we even got started. Then again, perhaps I wasn't strong enough to deal with the jealousy to begin with. Perhaps we were doomed from the start.

I threw my half-finished cigarette across the street, not knowing how to deal with everything.

It all came crashing down, the weight of it all landing on my shoulders like big slabs of concrete. I felt crushed. Ayden was the strong one—I wasn't. So, how was I supposed to deal with this when he was crumbling?

He was falling to pieces. I saw the fissures in his otherwise carefully molded wall that he had raised around himself.

I started pacing, walking up and down the sidewalk an kicking pebbles in front of me. It didn't work. I couldn't relax.

Early risers watched me with apparent curiosity as they walked past. Some even arching their eyebrows or shaking their heads.

Attention. I had always hated attention.

If I was serious about doing a shoot together, I would have to deal with another type of attention.

Fuck. So confusing.

I ran a hand through my hair, stopped in front of the entrance and pushed the door. Ayden didn't have the right to say no to my proposal, and I would tell him exactly that. But first I would have to talk this through with someone else. I had to be certain. The problem was that I didn't exactly have anyone to talk to.

Taking the last steps up the stairs, I decided that I would let this thought rest for the remainder of the day. Silence had to be better than all these confrontations.

Opening the door, I spotted Ayden sitting on the sofa with a glass of juice in his hands. He got up, put the glass down and took a couple of decisive steps in my direction. His hand grasped around my neck, pulling me towards him with a sense of urgency. I crashed into his still bare chest.

We kissed.

Violently.

It was a desperate and needy kiss, and I forgot everything else. Perhaps he did it to distract me, but I didn't care as his fingers tugged at my hair, moving further to explore my back before prying inside my pants to grab my ass. We pressed our crotches together and moved in a slow, frantic dance.

"I don't want to fight," Ayden whispered in between rugged breaths.

"Me neither."

He replied by intensifying the kiss. Something that I thought impossible. He pushed me into the wall, exploring my body and mouth until I was moaning loudly.

I wanted more.

Ayden's lips left mine. "I won't let you go, Cal. Not when I finally have you."

I almost couldn't breathe. It all became so real, so immediate.

* * * *

They day wore on, and I the more time I spent away from Ayden during classes, the more confused I became. I knew that I needed to be strong, but I didn't feel very strong, especially when I remembered how awful I felt while Ayden was at the studio. It would happen again and again unless we found a solution.

When I saw him at lunch, it didn't matter that he avoided to say the words. I knew what would happen tonight. I could see it in his eyes. He was determined to work, and I had no idea how to stop it from happening. He clearly didn't want to work, but he still insisted on it. It couldn't be healthy if he honestly didn't like it. But perhaps it was my jealousy that spoke again and not my actual worry about Ayden's well-being.

I wondered if I had the right to say anything. I probably did, but everything felt too rocky to start asking more uncomfortable questions.

"Can I come with you tonight?"

Ayden paled.

"Why?"

"I just thought..." I didn't know what I thought. "Maybe I can be there to support you or whatever."

Something lit up in his eyes. "Are you serious?" He wanted me to come, I could sense it. He wanted it, but he would never ask.

I thought about it again. It would be painful, but perhaps if I saw a scene and saw how little it had to do with love...perhaps it would help me, too. And maybe, just maybe, he would understand that I was serious about my proposition.

"Yes, we'll go together."

"Okay," he replied.

I tried to smile, but it felt forced on my lips. Strength. This would require a lot of strength. I just had to find it, somehow.

The rest of my classes rolled by in a blur. I tried to listen during the lectures, but the lack of sleep the night prior kept my mind muddled. I found myself drifting off into a slumber. It was embarrassing to be nudged again and again by the guy next to me, but there was nothing to be done about it.

* * * *

I was sure Ayden could hear the loud thumps from where he was sitting in the driver's seat, but he didn't say a word. For once I was glad that he drove. My hands were clammy with sweat, and I wouldn't have been able to hold the steering wheel, let alone look out for other cars and pedestrians.

"You can still change your mind."

He was right, but it felt too late. I had promised him that I would come, and it had been my idea to begin with. I didn't know why I was so nervous. It wasn't like I would do anything. If anyone had a reason to be nervous, it was Ayden. I was surprised that he had seemed so eager for me to join him at the shoot.

I knew I hadn't thought things through. I didn't know how I would react to seeing him having sex with someone else. Freaking out felt like a reasonable reaction, but I knew I couldn't do that to him. If I made a scene, I'd only make him feel worse, and that was the opposite of what I wanted.

If it hurt, I couldn't afford to show him.

I took a couple of deep breaths.

"Cal, really...I don't want you to come if you don't feel...I don't know—" He trailed away, looking miserable.

"No Ay, I want to come. I want to see it, and I want to be there for you." It was the truth. I was just worried about how I would react when reality hit me. "I don't think...how do I say it?"

"Cal, you don't have to be okay with my job, it would even be a bit weird if you were. I just want you to understand"

I exhaled in relief.

"Yeah, no, I'm not—" I paused. "I get why you're doing it, but..." I was rambling. My nerves—I wanted to kill them.

He started to fidget in his seat and bit into a nail. I rarely saw him do that, but I knew what it meant. He was just as uncomfortable with the situation as I was. He let go of his nail. Putting both hands on the steering wheel, he swerved left and stopped the car on the side of the road.

"We're here."

Looking out, I recognized the building. It was the same one I had entered that day when I found out about everything. The day that marked the beginning of our relationship in one twisted way. I didn't know how to feel about that. If I hadn't walked in on them, things would be very different. There wouldn't be an us. But, I wasn't sure if I should be happy about it either. It was odd.

"Hey, Ay, I know it's a weird question, but... did you mean for me to see you guys together last time?" I didn't know where that question came from. It was as if it bubbled up out of nowhere, slipping out past my lips before I could stop it.

"If I wanted you to see me screw another guy? You're honestly asking that?" He shook his head for good measure and turned off the car.

"But why did you ask me to come down?"

"I needed my phone, and I thought you would just leave it at the door." He chuckled a little." God, I was so embarrassed. Nightmare. I never wanted you to find out."

"Yeah, and now I know..."

"You do, and you're about to see another scene."

"I know. Do you want me to come?" I turned the tables around again. First, I had asked him, then he asked me, and now I was asking him again.

He grinned. "Yeah. You know, strangely enough, it feels better that you're here. Less like cheating, if that makes sense?"

"I know it's not cheating. I don't see it like that. It's your job, but... it's not like I enjoy the idea of sharing you."

I touched his leg. We were still sitting in the car, and the windows started to fog from the inside.

"Let's just go inside."

We got out of the car and into the damp evening. I shivered as the cold air hit my skin. It was something about this kind of weather that made me freeze down to the bone. It didn't matter how much clothes I wore.

We entered through the large door with all those locks I recalled from my first time here. Everything looked just as I remembered. There was the long corridor with all the doors, the thick red carpet on the floor, and then the room at the end where I saw the first scene a few weeks ago.

This time, there was a lot more activity going on. A woman stepped out from one of the doors, grounding to a halt as she saw us.

"Hey, Ayden, who's this?" She gave me an appraising look, but not unkind—more curious.

"This is my boyfriend, Callum."

"Oh, cool." She reached out with her hand. "I'm Sandra, I'm the director tonight. It's nice to have you here." She looked at Ayden and arched her eyebrows. That meant something, but I didn't know what.

Ayden chuckled. "Yes, it's the guy I've been telling you about."

"That's great. I'm happy for you both." She beamed. That explained it. She knew about us, which meant that Ayden had talked about me. It felt a bit odd, but it also made me happy to know he had mentioned me at work. Perhaps this wouldn't be as bad as I thought.

She seemed pretty relaxed. Her hair was tied up in a loose bun, and she wore very little make-up. If I had met her on the street, I would never have guessed she was a porn director.

"See you in a bit, guys," she said, disappearing through another door.

"She's really cool," Ayden said.

"Seems nice."

"She was the one who recruited me."

"Really?"

"Yes, she was the one who made me fall for this little trap. She seemed okay, and you know... so yeah."

I smiled at that. It did make sense, even if he couldn't articulate what he meant. Better it was her than someone else.

She peeked out of the door again. "Hey, Ay, head over to the make-up room, they're waiting for you."

"You wanna come?" Ayden asked, giving me a quick peck on the lips.

"Sure, sounds cool to see you in make-up, what do they put on? Lipstick, mascara and stuff?"

I couldn't see him in any of that; I was just messing with him. He let out a soft laugh until it seemed to get stuck in his throat. No, we weren't fine. Not as long as his mom was in the hospital.

* * * *

The make-up session went quickly. The woman fussing over Ayden put on a layer of foundation and brushed on a layer of that red stuff on his cheeks. I couldn't remember what it was called. Then she fixed his hair and told him he was ready to go. If she had pinched his cheek before he left, I wouldn't have been surprised. She seemed awesome, and she had already promised us a cup of tea during the break later on. Overwhelming was a word that came to mind.

We went into another room where he started to rummage through the drawers. Apparently, this guy, Tim, and Ayden had recorded several films together, which I would have wanted to know beforehand, but I didn't say anything about it. They had this standing storyline where Tim and Ayden were best friends who met up at Ayden's apartment when his girlfriend was away. Ayden was straight, while Tim was his secret gay lover. I wasn't sure how that worked out. Surely, Ayden couldn't be entirely straight if he had sex with a guy regularly.

Ayden repeated a few lines while he changed into a new set of clothes. I couldn't help but wince at the silly dialog.

"Stop it, Cal, this is serious business." He narrowed his eyes, but it was all ruined by a weak smile that played on his lips.

Someone pushed down the door handle, and I perked up. Since I was sitting on the other side of the door, the guy didn't see me at first.

"Addykins! What's up?" Tim was all bubbly and excited, jumping onto Ayden's lap to give him a hug.

"Tim, Cal is here."

Tim got up and turned towards me. "Hi Ayden's boyfriend. Here to shoot a film?"

"No, I thought I'd watch the two of you if that's all right?"

Tim grinned. "You like to watch, eh?"

He had a seriously cheerful and over the top attitude, but he was kind of cute in his own sort of way.

"No, I'm not here to watch like that, I'm just here as company."

"That's so sweet," Tim said. He came up to me and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. It was totally unexpected, so I jumped back in my chair.

"Yeah, he's like that," Ayden said, chuckling softly at Tim's antics.

"Anyway, Addykins. What clothes should I wear?" Tim went to the closet and pulled out a few shirts. "Should I go for the slutty look?" Tim wiggled his hips and held out a purple one in front of him. That one wouldn't cover much.

"I dare you to wear that in public," Ayden said.

"Oh no, that would never happen. Imagine how mad my man-lover would be." He rolled his eyes and laughed while he put it on. And yes, just as I thought, it opened up all the way down to his belly button.

"Oh, and a pair of shorts." Tim almost squealed and pulled out a pair of tiny ones from a drawer. "Look at these, aren't they amazing?" He held them up while jumping up and down.

"They're glittery, Tim." Ayden laughed and shook his head.

All of a sudden, I was quite relieved. Ayden seemed to like the guy, but I couldn't see how he would ever be interested in anything beyond a friendship. Tim was just too outrageous, but also very funny.

Tim put on the shorts, of course, dashed to the door and yelled, "Let's go, let's go, guys!"

Ayden got up from his chair, went over, and gave me a soft, lingering kiss.

"You ready?" he asked.

"Yes. I think so..." And for the first time, I believed it.