Ayden slept in my arms, his body rising and falling with each soft breath. I had spent almost an hour whispering sweet nothings into his ear, trying my best to calm him down. I don't know whether it helped or not, but at least he was sleeping.

I lay awake, thinking about my role. I was sure Ayden meant nothing by it, but I felt guilty knowing I played a role in his dad's departure. If I hadn't been around Ayden so much all those years... Would he have fallen for me? Or would he have fallen for someone else? Had I inadvertently caused a split in his family?

Another complication was the jealousy. The vile emotion kept burning with a chilling intensity since he left for the shoot, and somehow, I felt entitled to it. I had the right to be jealous. But knowing that I was a cause for his situation, did I still have that right? I wasn't so sure anymore, and the guilt kept piling up inside of me.

I had resigned the idea of sleeping. I had far too many thoughts spinning around in my head. His confessions gave me so many things to think about, and I wanted to come up with some sort of solution to all his problems. Not because he asked for it, but because it felt natural. I wanted to help him—I wanted him to understand that he wasn't alone in all of this. I would be there for him every step of the way if he let me. I just had to figure out how I could help.

Snuggling into his neck, I let his scent silence my thoughts. I knew we had to talk more about everything, but in reality, I couldn't decide a single thing without his consent. I could come up with a million solutions, but none of them would help if he didn't want to use them.

I had a few in mind, but all of them were solutions I knew would be put down the minute I suggested them. Ayden always wanted to do things himself. He never wanted to rely on another person to fix things. Partly, it had to do with not owing anyone anything, but the other part was pride. Ayden had a lot of pride, and it hadn't diminished over the years.

Knowing about his disposition, I knew it was useless to say that I wanted to contribute with money directly. He wouldn't let me. However, I would definitely start paying more of the rent. Since I was constantly short on cash, Ayden gave me a discount. We both had scholarships, but that didn't cover everything. In my stupidity, I had assumed that Ayden got some help from his rich dad, but now I knew that wasn't the case.

Ayden had been spoiled rotten as a kid, but to his credit, it never showed. He'd never boasted about money. Instead, he had taken in a broken boy and hidden me under his bed when the monsters were lurking outside.

I took a deep breath, trying to calm my thoughts again. It was no use thinking about these things when I should be asleep.

My first class on Tuesdays was far too early in the morning, and I would have to look through the textbook before I got there. If I didn't, I wouldn't understand what Professor Hopkins was saying. She always assumed everyone was well prepared for her classes, and after almost half a term, I knew it was in my best interest to follow that rule.

I shook my head. These useless musings didn't help me sleep.

Ayden stirred, and for a second I was afraid that I had disturbed his rest. He needed his hours, and I doubted that he would fall asleep again if he awoke. I tried to remain absolutely still so that he would calm down, but it didn't help. He moved around, and he even whimpered a couple of times. To my relief, he settled and his breathing turned even once more.

* * * *

I woke up with Ayden still resting in my arms, his back pressed against my chest. I decided to savor the moment, if just for a little while. For now, I didn't have to think about all the crap surrounding us. I could just breathe in his familiar scent and imagine that everything was fine.

When I finally moved, I realized he didn't even stir, in fact, he was too still.

"How long have you been awake?" I asked.

"For a while." His voice, which usually rang with a sexy, tired slur in the mornings, was too clear, too awake. For a while, was obviously not only a short while.

I tightened my hold around his torso, placing a kiss on the nape of his neck. "Are you okay?" It was a silly thing to ask, because obviously, he wasn't. I wanted to say something; I wanted him to know I cared, but at the same time I had to repress my own hurt, which wasn't easy. It felt a bit unfair.

"Ask me again when this day is over." He turned in my arms, cuddling close enough for his breaths to dampen my skin.

Stroking his back, I wondered if he wanted me to ask another question. I wanted him to specify what that meant, but I didn't want to put pressure on him. At the same time, I craved information. I had to know more, and most of all I wanted to feel included. I wanted him to share his worries with me. Perhaps it was selfish, but it was hard to refrain from asking when he put it like that.

"Something going on today?" There it was. I asked. I could feel him tense in my arms, and I regretted my decision.

A full minute must have passed before he spoke. During that time, my stomach ached with worry; I knew all too well that I had upset him.

Ayden took a deep breath, and then with a tired voice he said, "I have a shoot scheduled tonight."

"Can't you say no?"

"Fuck, Cal, I need the money! Can't you understand?"

He blew up.

The frantic anger in his eyes cut into me like a knife, gutting me again and again as he wrenched out of my arms. It seemed to come out of nowhere. Fuck, here I was, trying to be understanding, and he just threw it in my face.

He left the bed, stomping towards the door.

"Ay, calm down." When he didn't stop, I whispered out a tiny please.

He slammed the door with such force that a small photo of me and mom fell to the floor. I could hear the glass break, but that was the least of my problems right now.

Fuck.

I wanted to curse Ayden and his tantrums.

I got out of bed and turned the door handle, opening the door just enough to see Ayden sitting on the sofa. I didn't want to barge in—that would be stupid of me—I wanted to know how he was doing first. He sat there in his boxers, legs drawn up close to his chest, his arms hugging his knees and cowering, as if hiding from the world.

I figured it was safe to approach him. It looked like he needed someone to just hug him close and tell him that everything would be okay.

The dark hardwood floor cracked beneath my feet when I took a tentative step out into the living room, but he didn't react. I stood beside him for a moment before daring to place a hand on his shoulder, hoping he wouldn't shy away from me.

He didn't move.

"I'm sorry, Ay. You know I didn't mean it like that. I just...I-shit, I can see you're hurt. It's not easy, you know."

"You don't understand-" I could barely hear him.

"Then make me understand."

"I need the money, I told you."

I didn't know why I was pressing him. I really shouldn't have, but it was hard not to. Again, I should just learn to shut up. And then, from out of nowhere, I heard myself say something that I never thought I would say.

"What if we do a shoot together?"

He sat up straight and just stared at me.

"What?"

I couldn't answer. I was too shocked by what I just said. It made all the sense in the world, at some level at least. If we would do a shoot together—if I could help him with the money then we might be able to fix this—that would be infinitely much better than how things were at the moment. But it wasn't that easy.

I had just suggested that we would do a porn shoot. It wasn't something that you decided on a whim, but I did.

When I didn't answer, he let out a relieved sigh.

"You almost gave me a heart attack."

My mind kept on spinning. Was it such a bad idea? Was it a terrible idea? It wasn't illegal, and we would earn the money Ayden needed twice as fast. And moreover, I wouldn't have to be jealous. All I had to do was have sex with him. That was easy. However, I knew it wasn't that simple. We would have it in front of cameras and more or less in front of the entire world. But, did it matter? Did it matter what others thought? Or did it matter more what Ayden thought, and what Ayden felt?

Of course, Ayden mattered more.

However, the look on Ayden's face felt like a punch in my gut. He didn't want this, but why?

I couldn't stand the silence.

"I'm going out for a cigarette." It was the only thing I could think of saying.