I lay awake, staring out the window. We had forgotten to pull down the blinds last night, and the morning sunlight flooded the room. It was a beautiful day—a day when everything would go back to normal. Our days of unquestioned passion were over, and it was time to face what we really were to each other. The word couple hadn't been mentioned at Stacy's place, and neither had partner or boyfriend. More than friends, yes, but what did that mean?

Ayden groaned beside me as the volume increased on the alarm.

"Turn it off!"

I chuckled. He wasn't a morning person, never had been. I gave him a nudge, hitting his stomach with my elbow, but he simply grunted and turned around to face the other direction.

"Ay, it's time for school."

"No!" He burrowed his face into the pillow, and I couldn't help but smile. I would never call him adorable to his face, because that would result in a black eye, but I could still think it.

Even if this kind of intimacy felt relaxed—normal even—I still hesitated every now and then. Especially when my mind wandered, concerned about all the things we hadn't talked about. It didn't feel natural to bring our relationship into any discussions since those mainly circled around the things we enjoyed together, but not necessarily as a couple. We talked as friends, not as lovers.

He peeked up at me, relaxing in my hold. I smiled. His lips looked so kissable, a little plump and tired, as if they would be soft to touch. But there it was, the hesitation. He must have seen the way my eyes traveled from his lips and then away, looking through the window at nothing in particular, because he took hold around my neck and pulled me down. Our lips joined, and it was just as nice as I had imagined. The kiss turned from loving to passionate, escalating into something we shouldn't be doing.

I nudged him again, but it didn't work. He raised his hand as if to slap me away, but there was no way he would hit me—he was too uncoordinated.

The snooze on the alarm went off, reminding us that we had somewhere to go. I broke our connection even if it was the last thing I wanted to do.

"We really have to go, Ay, it's late. And we can't skip more classes. They'll throw us out."

* * * *

We walked together from the apartment, hand in hand along the streets until I picked up a cigarette. I didn't enjoy smoking so early in the mornings, but my nerves were acting up. But, after that break of touch, it felt impossible to take his hand again. I wanted to show what we had—to show that I wasn't afraid of being "out" with him, but the truth was that I was more uncomfortable than I wanted to admit.

After a few steps, I glanced at Ayden. He looked irritated, but I figured it was due to my smoking. I didn't think much of it, perhaps I should have.

I took a seat at the back, assuming that Ayden would sit down next to me on the navy blue chair, but he didn't. When I looked up, I could see him choose a seat a few rows in front of me. I saw that as a sign that he, in fact, didn't want to be open about us in public, or perhaps he tried to give me space. It kind of hurt, but that feeling soon perished as irritation and nervousness took over.

The lesson went on in its usual fashion, but I couldn't listen to anything the professor said. Not only because I was distracted. Politics wasn't my main interest, so I didn't know why I took this class. It was a waste of time.

When the class ended, I stood up with every intention of grabbing Ayden on my way out. Unfortunately, I didn't get my opportunity.

"We need to talk," Jessica said. Her eyes were hard, unforgiving.

"What?" So much had happened since I last saw her that I'd forgotten about our weird encounter in her apartment.

That was when I lost my moment, Ayden brushed past and left before I was able to stop him. I sighed and waved my arm for Jessica to lead the way. It was time to talk.

Jessica opened a door to an empty classroom, stepping inside and letting me pass by before she slammed the door shut. To say that she was pissed off was an understatement. She paced back and forth a few times on the linoleum floor before she stopped, staring at me and raising a warning finger.

"How long has this been going on?" She resembled an angry cat with her hissing voice.

"What are you talking about?"

"I know you're sleeping with your best friend."

"Well, what does that have to do with anything? I wasn't the one who cheated."

"As if I would believe that." She seethed. If she had been holding anything in her hand at that point, she would most likely have thrown it at me. "Cal, I've seen how you look at Ayden for a long time. It all makes sense now."

"Seriously? You have to be kidding me." I shook my head.

"Don't lie to me!"

I could only stare at her. I was ready to walk out of the room, but I didn't want her to get away with this. "Jessica, I didn't cheat on you. Ayden and I met up after you cheated on me."

"You don't know if I cheated on you!" Her lips pressed into a line.

"Then you definitely don't know if I cheated, so this discussion is void. I don't care what you did with that guy, I don't ever want to even think about you again."

She looked taken aback by my rant. I rarely yelled at her, but this time I had every right.

"You're disgusting," she said, mimicking the words I heard at the pub.

Without another word, she stormed out, slamming the door again.

I took a deep breath, checked the time to see how long I had before the next class started. Ten minutes. I knew that I should search for Ayden during those short minutes, but I wasn't in the mood. I wanted to speak with him, but I also didn't want to go out there, search for him, and then not find him. I took up my phone and decided to write a message.

I talked to Jessica, where are you?

I waited for a reply, but as the minutes ticked by I didn't receive anything in response. I had no other option than to get my act together and step out. I wasn't a teenager anymore. I couldn't throw a tantrum and then not go to class.

When I hadn't received a reply an hour later, I was starting to freak out. Had I made him angry somehow? Had I done something, said something? I thought about the way he stared at me on our way to school. He wouldn't hold a grudge over a cigarette, so it must have been something else. Maybe he understood more than I wanted him to know. If he knew I had doubts, our situation might change into a complicated mess again.

I played around with my phone, hoping to receive something, but when it finally arrived, I hesitated—afraid to read the message. I didn't want him to be angry with me. Not so early, not after a few days together. We didn't have a stable ground for our relationship yet so nothing was allowed to go wrong.

The phone blinked over and over again, reminding me that I had an unread message that I shouldn't ignore forever. Finally, I gave in and opened it.

What did she say?

It was his only response, a few short words. I guess I didn't deserve more. I didn't know if I was supposed to laugh or cry—if it was good or bad.

I replied as fast as I could.

Apparently she thinks I've had the hots for you for a long time.

Well, have you?

I blanched. Shit, that was such a stupid thing to write so early. I thought about it for a while. The question was a minefield of its own, and only one answer would be good enough, but would it be a lie?

I didn't know. Had I, unconsciously had him on my mind longer than I was aware of? I racked my brain. As odd as it sounded, I didn't know. I had known immediately when I saw him and Tim together. That had been both painful and arousing but before that...

The phone blinked again.

Apparently not...

Shit, I was too late with my reply. I almost threw my phone into the nearest bin, my body roaring with frustration. How could I be so stupid? He needed reassurance, just as I did, and I had failed again.

Yes, he needed reassurance...but then again, so did I.

An uncomfortable lump grew in my stomach, a tight knot with angst. I stared at the message and tried to respond. My fingers tapped on the screen, but I ended up erasing every letter I wrote.

I looked at the time at the upper hand corner of the screen. My ten minutes were up. It was time to head to my next class. I would have to reply during the lesson. I couldn't believe how fast things changed between us, how easily we ended up further apart than ever.

These last few weeks had been a roller coaster ride, and not a very pleasant one at times. I felt drained; however, I wasn't willing to give up on us just because of a bumpy ride. I wanted him—I knew that now.

I left the small classroom behind me and walked through the corridor. People were milling around, but I didn't look at their faces, they were just a gray mass that I happened to pass through. I was lost in my own thoughts and turmoil until I entered the classroom.

It was one of the few classes I didn't have together with Ayden, so I would get a respite even though I didn't want it. I wanted to make things right, find him, talk to him...but I couldn't afford to miss this lecture. I sat down and got out my phone instead of my notebook—set on writing a message even if I didn't know what to say. To my surprise, it was blinking with the arrival of another message.

When I saw who the sender was, my nerves flickered again. Ayden. I wondered what he wanted to say, and why he wanted to say something before I had replied to his message. I opened it and exhaled a breath I didn't know I had held.

I'm sorry, I overreacted, let's meet up for lunch?

I replied right away this time.

No, I'm the one who's sorry. But let's talk about it later. See you in the cafeteria.

With quite a lot of effort, I tried to focus on what professor Dalloway said at the front. She was talking about the development of economic systems. Fortunately, for me, it was an interesting lesson, and it was quite easy to let the sound of her voice wash out all my other thoughts.

At one point, one of Jessica's best friends raised her arm into the air. That threw my thoughts back to her, even if I tried to keep those memories on lock-down. I was still pissed at her. How dare she accuse me of anything after what she did?

I refused to feel bad about the situation or let her guilt-trip me into saying sorry for something that wasn't wrong.

The professor ended the lesson and the projector shut off. I rose with the rest of the class, exited the classroom and walked towards the cafeteria. I was still a bit nervous about Ayden and what we would say to each other once we met. I wondered if he was okay. I knew I should tell him that I had wanted him for a long time, but I still didn't know if that was true or not. I had never thought of him that way, not consciously at least, but what did that mean? My reaction on the shoot was instantaneous, which meant I must have felt something more than friendship. Right?

I entered the large cafeteria, gazing around the room filled with people munching on their food and talking too loud. I never liked these places, they were always far too crowded.

Ayden sat at one of the tables in the back. He seemed to have a meal in front of him so I got into the line and dug out some change from my pocket. I picked out a chicken salad, a bottle of water, paid for it and went over to my best friend. This had been such a simple task back in the days. I laughed at that. Back in the days were just mere weeks ago. This had been uncomplicated, but we had formed something very different between us these past days. However, I didn't regret the change, especially not when I saw the smile that lit up Ayden's face as I arrived. It looked like one of those smiles that you wanted to hide, but that just bubbled up out of nowhere.

I placed my tray on the table and sat down on the gray metal chair. I saw his hand lying casually on the table, and it got me thinking about the revelation I had back in the small classroom. He needed reassurance, and so did I. Letting my hand land on Ayden's, I felt a little trickle of electricity shoot up my arm.

"I'm sorry."

"There's no need, Cal. I don't know why I did that, let's just forget it."

"Okay," I said, even if I knew that it wasn't okay, not really. I could see it in his eyes, and in the little wrinkle appearing between his eyebrows.

"So, why did you see Jessica?"

"She snatched me after class to throw a tantrum."

"She's always been a bitch."

I laughed. "That's not true. She didn't like you, though."

"Oh, and yeah, I meant to tell you..." Ayden silenced.

I gave him a moment before I probed for more. "You meant to tell me what?"

"I'm working tonight."

The little lump in my stomach, that had gone on vacation for a short while, grew back in full force. I dropped my fork on the plate. There was no way I could eat after that statement.

"Okay," I said, even though it felt far from okay. I wanted to sigh at myself for not realizing this sooner. I knew what his job was, but for some reason, I had pushed that away, neglecting the obvious, refusing to think about it. And now the moment was here. It was all so very simple, yet, there it was. Jealousy.

I didn't know what I had expected. Had I expected that he would quit? I probably had. It was stupid of me, and I had no one to blame but myself.

"So, yeah... don't wait up for me. I might not be home until midnight."

"Are you doing a shoot?" I wondered why I tortured myself like that. I didn't want to know.

"No, it's a prep session, just reading the lines and getting to know each other. I haven't met this guy before."

"You actually do that, reading lines and stuff?"

"Nah, we usually don't, but this is a new guy, he asked for it."

"Why do you think you'll be so late?"

"It's just a feeling."

Somehow that didn't sound right to me.

"Ayden come on, just tell me the truth, are you filming tonight?"

His shoulders slumped, and he dropped the things he held in his hands, just as I had. "Yeah, we're filming tonight."

"Okay, I'll just watch a movie or something." I wanted to yell at him, tell him that it wasn't fine, that it wasn't okay. But how could I? I had walked in to this relationship—or whatever it was we had—knowing exactly what he did. We didn't have any rules set between us, we didn't have anything. We had a long weekend of bliss, and years of friendship—but a friendship wouldn't be bothered by the fact that Ayden did his job. However, having a sexual relationship certainly changed things.

I tried to put on my best face, the unaffected one that didn't care. I had practiced that throughout my life, wishing to keep all those secrets away from public knowledge. But even my best face only worked so far on Ayden, who knew me better than anyone else. Perhaps that was the reason why he looked away. Perhaps he knew that it wasn't fine. That realization hurt. It felt like a rejection. Like he didn't care enough. Had I said no to him, it would have felt even worse. Stating it out loud would mean so much more, it would put us at a point of no return. I would know if he agreed, or if he didn't give a shit about what I thought. Now I could only guess.

"Can I sleep with you tonight?" he asked. I recognized that look, he was pleading, and I didn't have the heart to say no.

"Yeah, sure," I replied, even if my body was aching from the mental images that rolled before me. He would fuck a stranger and then sleep next to me. The worst thing was that I already doubted myself and how I would cope with my newfound sexuality. This shit didn't help at all.