Breathless, I stared at my best friend. Years of memories began to shift and turn. How had I not seen this? How had I not known my own feelings?

"I'm so confused."

Ayden's throat bobbed as he clenched his fingers along my side. It was a desperate grip. "What do you want?" he asked.

What did I want? I wasn't sure. In an uncomplicated world, I would have had all the answers. I would have understood how we fit together—how the kiss played a part.

"I want to move back." It would be a first step. A kiss, then a question. I wanted to be back in his life, friends or something more. Anything to have him in my life.

I could still taste him on my tongue, a hint of coffee and something entirely Ayden. My lips started tingling, and I felt a mix of confusion and an aching need to do it all over again. Friends. I wasn't sure that would work, not after that kiss. Was it even possible to revert from this?

Ayden leaned back and felt at his pockets. The keys jingled while my pulse continued to throb. I had no words to say when he slowly retrieved one lone key from the set and placed it in my palm.

"Maybe we should go home?" he suggested, his voice rough.

It was a scary suggestion. Nervousness battled with need, but it was all so new. My thoughts were too scrambled, my body all too ready to receive everything he wanted to give. But was it what we both wanted?

"I need to get my bags at the hotel, but I'll come back."

Ayden stiffened as if rejected. That wasn't what I had meant, or wanted to say.

Worried, I tugged him closer and drove our lips together again. Turmoil and confusion, but most of all that frightening need. He opened up, his lips pliant and receiving. His entire body relaxed beneath my touch, still strong and determined, but willing.

"I'll come back." I said.

"I'll be waiting." He was breathless, much as I was.

* * * *

The shabby hotel hadn't improved since I left, and it felt cleansing to get my shit out of there and return home. It had been a few intense days, in too many ways, but regardless of the emotional roller coaster, my goal was to get back and try to work it out.

Riding in the backseat of a cab back to Ay's apartment, my mind went through a hundred different possibilities of how this might not work out. I wouldn't say I was a pessimist in general, but these last few weeks had wrecked me. Perhaps I should have held on to the frantic feeling of having him in my arms, tasting his saliva, but a nag of dread lingered at the edges. There were too many potential pitfalls. Hell, his job was one of them. How would we deal with that crap and stay sane?

If we began something, if we left friendship behind for something else, would I be able to handle the knowledge of what he did for a living? Could anyone?

I asked the driver to put on some music, but changed my mind when I only got more stressed. Traffic was hell, as usual at this hour, but I didn't complain. I needed more time. I didn't want to admit it, but I was scared. I was scared to walk through that familiar door—scared to face the chances of failure.

A car honked behind us. I looked up and realized that we were close. The driver turned a corner, and then another before hitting our street. I almost wanted to ask him to drive me somewhere else, but stopped myself from voicing that stupid notion.

I paid the guy, grabbed my bags and lit up a cigarette. Trying to calm down, I stood there, inhaling the only thing that could settle my nerves a bit. People walked by, but I must have been scowling because not one said hi or acknowledged me at all. When I was down to the filter, I dropped the butt to the ground, squishing it with my boot. I had lingered long enough. It was time to face my best friend.

I stood outside our door for a few minutes, the key weighing too much in my palm. I wanted this, and whatever waited for me in the apartment, I could handle it. I had to.

Before I had time to push the key into the lock, the door opened. Without a word, Ayden grasped my jacket and pulled me inside. No words. No questions.

The door slammed close as he pushed me up against it. My bags dropped to the floor.

No questions. This was for real. If we did fuck, there would be no going back. But I wasn't sure he would take it that far. And, was I ready if he did?

He took over. No hesitation, no lingering doubts.

Ayden's hands somehow found their way underneath my shirt, his palms pressing against my fevered skin. He took one more step ending up flush against me.

"Do you want this, Cal?"

I stared at his lips as they formed the words. They were soft and a little bruised from our kissing. I wanted nothing more than to kiss him again, but I didn't know if I was ready to take the next step beyond.

"I'm not sure."

I could hear a slight gasp move through the air as if Ayden wanted to say something, but nothing came out. His eyes flashed with hurt and I realized that this was the moment. I couldn't back out now, not if I wanted him. I wrapped my arms around him, gazed into his eyes and smiled.

"I'm not sure because I don't want to fuck this up."

He didn't reply. Instead, he gave me a soft peck with his lips. He tasted of mint, which was better than I did, surely. I knew that he didn't approve of my smoking but at least he didn't say anything even though I must have tasted like a burnt out cigarette.

"This scares me too," he whispered.

"So what are we gonna do about it?"

Ayden chuckled against my lips, his breath fanning over my face. I waited for his response but at the same time, I was afraid of what he would say.

"I want you, Cal...and I think you want me too."

"Yeah." It was more like a breath than a word, but it seemed to be enough. Ayden's lips found mine again, but this time there was nothing soft about it. He kissed me like I had kissed him. It was pent up passion—it was a promise of what he would do to me and I to him. His tongue slipped into my mouth and all thoughts of rationality or what this would mean for us as friends simply vanished.

Ayden pressed me up against the wall, lifting me off the floor. I locked my legs around his hips, rubbing our crotches together. I moaned in pleasure as I felt his erection line up against mine. His kiss grew more aggressive until I was yanked away, carried toward the living room.

My back slammed against another wall, forcing air out of my lungs. He didn't give me much time to try and catch my breath as he kissed me again. He kissed me until my heart was racing so fast that I thought it would give out. He dove into my neck, nibbling and biting at my sensitive skin.

His breath reached my ear, whispering, "I've wanted this for so long."

I gasped, unprepared for my body's reaction to his words. My erection strained against my pants, screaming to be let out. While I was losing my mind bit by bit, his hands roamed across my skin. Desperate for more, I tugged at his hair to mesh our lips together again. He moaned into my mouth before carrying me off toward his bedroom.

I heard the door rattle behind me, then slam shut as I was pressed against it. All I wanted was to get to the bed, but he wasn't having it. He let go of my legs, releasing me for a moment as he pulled off his shirt. His skin glistened with tiny beads of sweat, and I leaned forward to trail my tongue from his collarbone up to his ear, taking the lobe into my mouth. He tasted of salt and nothing like the girls I had been with before. It was new and intoxicating. It felt right. It tasted right.

Ayden tugged at my T-shirt, pulling it up over my head. My skin burned in the chilly air and I found myself shivering beneath his touch.

"Last chance, Cal. Do you want this?"

I couldn't find the words to answer. Instead, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer. That seemed to be the answer he wanted because he lifted me again and carried me to bed.

He landed on top of me, kissing my neck while he fumbled with my belt.

"These have to go," he said, grinning at me with a smile that spoke of sin. He pulled off my pants and teased my skin along the hem of my boxers. "...and these, too."

I just closed my eyes, afraid but also desperate. I needed him, I needed his naked skin against mine. I craved it.

I blinked my eyes open just in time to see my boxers flying through the air. Ayden fell down on top of me, the rough fabric of his dark jeans scraping against my burning skin. I whined underneath him, begging for more or less, I didn't know which.

He teased me for a while longer, heating my skin with kisses and grinding his hips against mine. When I couldn't take it anymore, I grabbed hold of his chest and heaved us around so that I ended up on top.

His eyes were glassy—soft sounds kept leaving his throat and I almost forgot what I planned to do. However, one rub of his crotch against me was enough to remind me.

I leaned down, whispering, "You don't get to keep them either." I opened the button of his pants, pulled down the zip and tugged them off. His black boxers met the same fate, landing on the floor far away from the bed.

He pulled me closer, making me fall on top of him. The amount of hot, damp skin was overwhelming. Everything was overwhelming. I was lost in the moment, but I didn't care.

His hips rolled against me, igniting a fearsome fire deep within my core. I pushed back, pressing closer with a crazed need. It was too hot, too much, yet not enough. I licked his throat, tasting the salt on his warm skin. The onslaught continued, and I was so lost that I didn't even register that I was underneath him until he exposed my skin to the chilly air.

I followed him with my gaze as he walked across the room, opening the top one of his drawers. Then he was back in a flash, spreading my legs.

"Just relax. This shouldn't be painful at all..."

I didn't reply but tried to do as he said. It didn't work. When the finger hit the target I arched my hips towards him, silently begging him to get inside.

The feeling when he pushed against the tight ring of muscles was driving me insane, and suddenly I was afraid. Not of pain, but of pleasure. I wasn't sure if I would be able to take it. It felt too good already. Even now, I was more aroused than I had ever been before. It was like my mind unraveled. Years of ideas and assumptions flew out the window. How had I not understood?

He rubbed me faster with his palm, driving me further and further until I almost growled at him to fuck me. He pushed another finger inside, and my thoughts quieted. Words were lost just like everything else besides the fire that rose within me.

"Just one more, then I'll be inside." Ayden's voice was hoarse, strained as if he fought the torrent of desire just like I was.

He hit something inside of me, and my hips arched again. A third finger pressed inside and all I could think was, fuck me already.

He pumped his fingers in and out, hitting that spot again and again until my vision blurred. Then they were gone.

I opened my eyes just as he pulled on a condom. My heart rate picked up even more while I was waiting and urging him to fill me.

He pressed the head against my pulsing pucker, teasing me way and beyond. "You ready?" he asked, and I almost wanted to cry out in frustration. I began to claw at his back, and he must have understood the meaning, because he pushed inside, little by little until I was writhing underneath him. It was pleasure and pain in equal measures, a wonderful, intoxicating mixture.

He drove inside, pushing me deeper into the mattress with every thrust. Thrusts that chased me higher and higher until I lost it completely. My world seemed to expand and contract, waiting for the next touch. The need for his touches seared my skin until I wondered if I was sane enough to receive them. His kisses kept me alive, his hold kept me grounded. I rose higher and higher, desperate to give as much as I received.

Lost in the haze, I pulsed around him, my erection pumping out the orgasm that wracked through my entire body, swirling from my toes and fingertips centering around my heart.

Ayden growled out, speeding up as I was close to passing out. "God, Cal," he moaned, collapsing on top of me.

My body was sizzling, my mind roaring with the fevered rush of sensation and emotion.

"Shit," I mumbled, at a loss for words.

"Yeah..."

"Shit..." I repeated.

"I'll take that as a compliment," Ayden said against my neck, pressing his lips on my skin again and again while I just continued to shudder in the aftermath of our lovemaking.

"You should."

He just chuckled at that, nuzzling into me in the best way possible. My mind was silent; my body sated. I was just where I wanted to be, and I never wanted to get up and leave. I wanted this moment to last for as long as possible.