Summary:

In a mess, Seungri finds himself wondering about things he's still running away from.

Chapter Text

When he was on his way to the airport, watching the view of Seoul fading away in sunset through the window glass as his manager drove, Seungri counted in his head.

His villa-house.

His childhood friends.

BIGBANG's recording studio.

His favorite ripped jeans.

Potted cactus from his fans.

Small panda figurine he used to toy in between his fingers.

Box of rings he often used for performances.

When he reached the airport, three hours before the flight, he had a long list already of things he would leave behind. He could head the fans screaming his name; probably for the last time. He closed his eyes and didn't let the tears fall.

Probably that's why he forgot to put his feelings in the list. Feelings for Jiyong that he's supposed to leave behind too, along with all those memories he could never wash away.

***

"Ngg?" Seungri mumbles groggily, knocking something –that ended up on the floor with a quiet crashing sound –in the process of snatching his phone from the nightstand. "What?" he doesn't care about politeness before 7 am, whoever is calling needs to bear with his sleepy state. There's no reply coming from the other end for full two minutes that he unconsciously snuggles to his comforter and slowly drifting back to sleep.

"Are you falling back asleep, Seunghyun-ah?"

Seungri bolts to sit up immediately upon hearing the name. It's his, for sure, and he never thought to change it, even for fame or any kind of ridiculous reason, but right now, he is considering the thought. "How do you know my number?"

"I called you today –no, yesterday," Jiyong's voice is a little unsteady. Seungri can easily picture him sandwiching the phone between his ear and his shoulder, while his fingers holding a cigarette and the other hand is pouring a drink. That's if he's still keeping that habit. "You were sleeping. You called me back but I missed that."

Seungri debates whether he should tell Jiyong that he wished it was all just his fantasy and Jiyong wasn't there, that they didn't meet, didn't talk; that it was just a memory from the past Seungri accidentally recalled.

"I didn't know it was you."

"What would you do if you knew it was me?"

"I don't know," Seungri traces the Jerry pattern on his blanket –childish, most of his one night stand would call it, before he let them see what's inside his wallet, of course. "But it doesn't matter."

"That you didn't know it was me or that you don't know what you'd do if you knew it was me?"

Years ago, Seungri would do anything to have Jiyong to call him. Sending selcas, train of messages, weird-funny sticker and emojis, anything to catch Jiyong's attention, to make that voice travels from the other end to Seungri's ear.

But it was years ago.

"Probably both," Seungri says after a while because Jiyong doesn't seem to let the question drop. "It doesn't matter, hyung. What do you want? It's early morning in Tokyo."

"I'm in Tokyo too. I'm staying until next week."

Shit.

Where?

"...sure. Should I throw you a what –welcoming party something?"

"No, but probably we can talk."

"Probably? As in you're not sure if we can talk or we should talk?"

"I'm not sure if you still want to talk to me."

"And if I don't?"

"But we should."

Seungri presses the end call button angrily.

Why?

***

Seungri spent his official first day alone in Japan after BIGBANG with two scoops of vanilla ice cream and a cup of instant noodles. He watched the cars passing by in distant from his 20th floor apartment, wondering if this was how it supposed to feel –if it was the best way to deal. He claimed himself not running away, yet there he was thinking if somewhere out there still a place he'd call home.

When the sun set, he closed the curtain, he closed his eyes. He knew how to deal with heartbreak, he knew how to plaster a smile even when his heart shattered. He knew how to slowly letting go, he understood how to stand still and watched someone fading away –walking away.

What Seungri didn't know was how to fade away, walk away, how to be set free. He didn't know how to leave, to not look behind for a person –for love. Seungri didn't know how to not wondering about how Jiyong would feel, what he would say, what he would do.

He didn't even know if it was a heartbreak, if there were hearts to break between them. Jiyong's heart for sure wasn't Seungri's and he had been told multiple –thousand times –that Jiyong's heart was already broken, was already in pieces. It was already torn by his previous relationships, by people Seungri didn't know and people Jiyong said that Seungri didn't have to know.

Still, Seungri couldn't stop wondering if there's a piece of that heart that belonged to him, that he could take with him, that he could borrow, that he shouldn't leave behind.

He couldn't stop wondering if there's a way where he didn't have to leave anything at all.

***

"I'm letting you go, Seunghyun.."

"It's unfair, you know."

"Is anything? Ever?"

"Hyung," Seungri's voice cracked with both disappointment and anger but it was his tears that found the best way to show up. "..don't do this."

"I should," Jiyong reached for his hand and held it, just like the first time they met, a handshake that meant nothing yet everything. "I should."

"Why? We're not –they won't –they...they don't know –"

"I love you," Jiyong cut him in. The words that supposed to be his strength were now cutting Seungri's heart too. "I love you, Lee Seunghyun. That's the reason of all, above all."

And then Seungri pushed him away, because Seungri didn't know where to hold onto when love was all about parting ways.

"I love you," he heard Jiyong said as he gathered his belongings –a toothbrush, one expensive old coat, his wallet. "I don't want to hurt you, Seunghyun-ah."

"You do," Seungri dropped his key to Jiyong's apartment on the kitchen counter, just like the time Jiyong gave it to him, clattered against the surface. "You already did, many times."

"That's why –"

"That's why this time please don't."

***

In the evening, kicking off his leather shoes and turning on the heater, Seungri picks up a call from Seunghyun.

"Morning, Bro."

"Uh-huh, no old jokes please, old man, and it's almost midnight here."

Seunghyun curses and Seungri snickers.

"You have more wrinkles than me."

"Business comes first, Mr. Choi."

"Fuck, you're right. How was Jiyong?"

"You tell me, hyung. Wasn't it you meeting with him many times that set the media went riot with taking your pictures?"

"Yes and yes, and I posted pictures so the media went stupid wasn't my fault."

"It was after they barked BIGBANG REUNITE on the headlines that you took pity on them. Still, thank you for clarifying the issues by posting that GD and TOP blurry photos without captions."

"You're welcome, Bro. So how was Jiyong?"

"What's with the same question, hyung?"

"Fine, I'll change it. How was Jiyong with you?"

"I wasn't with him. I was with the entire staffs –wait, how do you even know I met him?"

"Ah –"

"Daesung hyung told you? That I met Jiyong hyung and refused to go together to his place?"

"No," Seunghyun chuckles and Seungri is positive that his hyung is now smirking, if he wasn't already. "You just told me that."

"Wha –"

"If there are things that has changed in the past four years, it's definitely not Daesung's well-known ability to keep secrets, Bro."

"Yeah, I know...Sorry, I was just...yeah..."

"Jiyong told me."

"Another GD and TOP meeting, eh?"

"Are you drunk or it's another attempt on changing the topic?"

"I am completely sober, hyung."

"So you must forget that Jiyong is actually there in Japan and I am not?"

Seungri bites his tongue literally. "Right. So why don't you ask him how was that meeting with me?"

"Because he told me to ask you? And because...well, Jiyong."

"What is well Jiyong supposed to mean?"

"You know him."

"I believe I don't. I used to think I do."

"Well, Jiyong –" Seunghyun pauses. "–didn't tell me anything. That's something you're supposed to already know."

"I used to know," Seungri's fingers unconsciously twist the bracelet he's wearing. "It's been years."

"Then talk."

"I –"

"No, I've had enough," Seunghyun voice is nothing but a command. "I've had enough of you running away, of Jiyong running away, of whatever fucking happened between you two, and worst of all, running away from whatever that didn't happen. Sleep, Seungri."

Seungri hears the click sound and pretend that he isn't trembling, that he isn't thinking of things he ran away from; he still running away from.

***