Summary:

A dream with heartbeats.
A forgotten dream.
A broken dream.
A dream.

Chapter Text

When it's spring, Seungri would be able to see cherry blossom trees from his apartment window. If he's lucky, some pink petals would find a way to his balcony, laying there long enough for Seungri to touch until the next blow of the wind took them flying again.

It's beautiful view, something that often sent his mind far away to the day when Jiyong promised him about date in the park.

To the sleepy voice, thick with cigarette and their next hit song against his nape.

It's beautiful.

Seungri knew that Jiyong was talking about walking under blossoming trees.

Not him.

Never him.

***

"Four years ago," Seungri shakes his head, tears don't spill but memories are scattered on the floor, threatening to piece themselves together again anytime. "It's been four years, Jiyong."

"But we never –"

"We never."

Jiyong falls silent, but the tension screams loud enough for both of them.

"Hyung," Seungri reaches for him, his heart dares to look at Jiyong and it hurts. Things are complicated and it hurts. "We can't go back."

Jiyong looks away as if he's throwing away all the broken pieces laying in between them two. "We can't."

***

Seungri used to hear different kind of music, loved to hum to a song he didn't fully understand about, blasting the melody through his iPod, pretending like he's the best singer on earth.

"I'm surprised that you quit singing," his friend sighed. "You seemed to like it a lot."

Seungri laughed because he's his old friend, the one used to trained together for dancing when he was so young, too young to understand that entertainment industry was not as good as it seemed.

"You can go back to dancing," he teased him. "But I guess you're too busy with the business, huh?"

Seungri grins. "Oh, you know, I dance every night."

"Not in the club, Seunghyun."

"I know, I was just kidding," Seungri sipped his drink. "I am enjoying my life being an MC right now."

"I see that," his friend patted his back. "But you seemed to enjoy your life more before."

"It's just –"

"Bigbang?"

It's just singing means Jiyong.

It's just dancing means Jiyong.

It's just working in music means Jiyong.

It's just it was Jiyong, it's still Jiyong.

It's just Jiyong.

It was Jiyong.

"I don't feel comfortable enough to sing by myself."

I can't sing without remembering you.

I can't sing without you.

I can't listen to the songs without hearing you.

***

"It's not working," Seungri sighs.

"What's not working?" Daesung asks, not so curiously, not so obviously.

"Jiyong hyung, I told him to go."

"You needed that," the lack of pause sends Seungri to frown.

"I need to push him out of my house?"

"Well, he left you this morning, at least this time you're the one sending him to go?"

"What?"

Daesung laughs and Seungri hears his concern, like he always does because Daesung is just like that; the anchor and the wall. Their friendship started up cold but it's something Seungri won't trade for anything now. "I'll come over, don't kick me out."

"Please," is all Seungri says.

***

He was just a boy with dreams that too big, with lack of experience in singing compared to the others. He was just someone who tried to fit in the team. He was just another person who wanted Jiyong to look at him.

Because everyone did that.

He didn't know how to dream quietly. He didn't know how to not to tell everyone that Jiyong was great, how to stay silent when Jiyong praised him, how to not to beam with happiness when the leader nodded at his action, approving his decision. He couldn't figure out any method not to be jealous when Jiyong told everyone to leave except Seunghyun, or when Jiyong laughed with Youngbae about something that happened before BIGBANG, or when he leaned on Daesung's shoulder, arms wrapped around the muscular body. Seungri would pout, he would jump in the conversation. Seungri would tell everyone what he'd done today, what happened in his hometown, what's his favorite jokes until Jiyong looked at him; until those pair of eyes set on him and words coming out from his mouth in form of teasing or laugher.

Seungri thought it was okay because everyone did that.

He thought everyone did that.

"You're so easy," Seunghyun told him.

"I'm what?" Seungri forgot to add the honorific again and it usually earned him a smack but Seunghyun just laughed and shook his head.

"You're so easy, maknae," the oldest said again. "It's all over your face."

"What's all over my face, hyung?"

"Jiyong," Seunghyun grinned. "It says Jiyong all the time."

Seungri didn't miss the quiet nod from Daesung who was reading a book beside him. "Jiyong hyung?"

"It's okay, that's kinda cute," Seunghyun shrugged. "But Jiyong is a little bit complicated and that's...maybe not so cute."

Seungri frowned but then Seunghyun left the room and Daesung pretended like he's lost in whatever he's reading so Seungri didn't ask.

He didn't forget it either.

Jiyong, all the time.

***

Daesung waits until Seungri finishes his wine. "Feel better?"

"Yeah," Seungri shrugs. "Should I?"

"I don't know," Daesung sets their glasses on the table. "I just wish you would."

"In some ways, yes," Seungri says. "It's nice to have someone to talk to about this."

"You haven't talked to me about anything."

"Jiyong hyung," Seungri sighs. "Is that not clear enough?"

"But you didn't talk about him," Daesung shakes his head when Seungri turns to look at him. "You never really talked about it to anyone, Seunghyun."

Years of being Seungri and silent agreement to call him the stage name in daily life to avoid any confusion with the other Seunghyun had made the word sounds weird to his ears. But Daesung is looking at him square in the eyes and Seungri has to admit that his hyung is right. He never did talk about how it happened, about what happened. He didn't really tell anyone about Jiyong, about Nyongtory.

Part of him is still selfish enough to wish to keep in within himself no matter how much it's going to hurt him inside.

Because Jiyong was his dream and he unconsciously thinks that it's probably still his dream.

"What do you really want to know?" when he speaks again, his voice is barely a whisper. Seungri doubts that he'll be able to stop; he's not even sure if he'll be able to start.

"Nothing more than you're willing to say."

Daesung isn't a fan of skinship and Seungri cherishes every moment he touches him because Daesung is warm and is keeping him accompanied, to remind Seungri that he's not alone, to pull Seungri out from being lonely even when he never told him about it.

"He was a dream," he tells quietly, still it's a loud thunder for his own ears. "He was my dream."

Daesung pats his back softly, waiting. He's so good in waiting and Seungri is beyond thankful.

"It was a dream that shattered," Seungri swallows hard. His tears are pushing its way out, the air is being forcefully taken out from his lungs but somewhere deep in his chest, something is calming down. "It was a dream that told me to stop chasing."

His hyung hums in no surprise. It's not supposed to be a surprise either.

"He told me to leave but I don't know how to not to dream about him."

Back then when they were younger, Seungri often got confused of how Daesung could be so quiet and content with himself. Right now with him clutching onto the older's presence, Seungri understands that Daesung is an anchor; that he is listening to what words cannot say, balance to a sinking ship.

"I don't know Seungri who doesn't dream about Jiyong hyung," Daesung's voice is soothing him. "Even now."

"It's a broken dream."

"It's still a dream."

And Seungri asks question he realizes he's been asking himself for years, "Is it still worth chasing?"

"Yes," Daesung answers. The lack of doubt in his tone gives Seungri a reassuring comfort he's been seeking. "Let's give it a try."

"I told him to leave."

"He did that too."

Seungri nods. "I should've listened to what he was going to say."

"You'll be meeting him again soon, right?"

"Yeah, the show...in two days," his stomach churns at the thoughts of cameras and people's eyes.

"Then you have time to think."

"I shouldn't ask him to come back now?"

"No," Daesung laughs because Seungri's eyes go wide in disbelief. Most of times, about Jiyong, Seungri is more than just an open book. "Think."

"About what?"

"Dream," the older man quickly corrects himself as he stands up. "Dream a lot."

Seungri doesn't say anything as they head to the front door.

"It's still a dream, Seungri. He's still your dream and Seungri always dreams," is Daesung's word before he climbs inside his car.

"It's a dream," Seungri mumbles to himself. "A dream with heartbeats."

***