Ashton

Day 7, No Hope yet?

Where are you, Jane?

Why haven't I seen you at the hospital, Hope?

I miss you.

I have looked everywhere for you.

I have asked everyone about you.

Last night, I came back home and heated the leftover, unfinished pottery I had tried to make. After taking it out from the kiln, I kept it at the same place the baked ones were lying at-still resting on the porch, a little bit of sand scattered around the products.

"Fuck," I shouted as my fingers burned.

My heart was collapsing without her. I knew I had to fix her too, and it would be too much for me to handle everything considering my life was filled with darkness, but the happy times I spent with Jane made me realize I wasn't alone, that even if I would fall back on the ground, she would come running after me like the other day at the hospital. I thought we could give each other everything we craved for. The girl had too many secrets but somehow she made me feel as if whatever we had was safe and perfect. I could hear her heart, with each beat of her's the rate of my heart kept skipping up.

I still hadn't washed the equipment or the dirty clay we had dropped here and there on the steps. The white fence had her fingerprints embossed on it. It was from the time she held it for support when she almost slipped, droplets of sea water falling from her clothes, creating a pool of moisture on the wooden steps.

As I held her, the heat igniting from her bare skin made me want to growl in appreciation. She apologised for dirtying the fence, an obvious blush appearing on her cheek, she was embarrassed. When she saw that I was gripping her tightly, she jerked her head in the opposite direction and pulled her bottom lip, biting on it.

I was making her blush. I loved it.

"OhmyGod, I will clean it up, I promise," she said, covering her face with her hand. She had completely forgotten that her face was laced with clay too. I chuckled, sweeping a thumb on her chin. I hated letting her go. I brought back a wet cloth and wiped her forehead first, wishing I could press my lips against hers. She was looking up at me, her big, blue eyes never leaving mine and her soft, little hand resting on my chest, near my heart- where she belonged. Hope could hear me breathe and I could feel her shiver under my touch. She started caressing my chest, making me feel as if she cared about me, but at the same time, she was setting my body on fire. I was proud of myself for enduring this much self-control.

Dammit, she was too responsive

How could I have controlled my emotions after that? I was going batshit crazy with her scent already hitting my nose, every second. It was enough for me, she smelled too sweet.

I brushed a moist strand of hair from her face, leaned closer to her and told her she was fine. Little did she know, I was never wiping them away; it was the only thing which reminded me of our time together.

While tracing her imprints, I picked up the ceramic plate with uneven edges, I recalled how she had carved delicate branches on it and decorated it with little flowers here and there. She told me she would want to paint it with her three favourite colours- blue, yellow and green.

When I asked her why, she told me it reminded her of my poetic words, the time when I told her that when the green of my eyes mixes with her thick blue studs, it makes yellow; yellow for Hope. My brain twisted with those beautiful words, making me grin so hard, I couldn't think clearly.

After not seeing her for a week, I had finally come up with a conclusion- Jane had changed her shifts; this way she wouldn't have to encounter me.

Was I worth this much hatred?

It hurt, knowing she felt this way about me when all I wanted was to make her feel safe. This was the only reason I could think of because Jane was not someone who would give up on her job just because of some random dude who tried to save her but miserably failed at it.

I went to look for her at the hotel yesterday, she wasn't there. I waited for almost four hours in the car but she didn't check back in. I knew I needed to stay and wait for her but with all the troubles in my present life, I was just not getting the time. I had to go see mom too and Emily was way too depressed that day. I had to be there for them.

But I wanted her like crazy. I needed her like crazy. I needed my Hope like crazy.

I had never known what a heartbreak felt like, but the raw feeling inside my heart was my kind of heartbreak, the one you get when you lose your Hope.

She had developed a place in my heart, and now her exotic venom was spreading inside my entire body, affecting each part of me, slowly.

Jane Mayor was the death of me.

All it took was one kiss to realise that.

I lost Jane the moment I pressed her against the wall and kissed her.

Now that mom was feeling way better than before and the doctors had assured that she had shown gradual improvements, I had finally found more time to think about Hope.

I was so lost in the way her soft lips enveloped against mine, I had forgotten she wasn't moving anymore; she froze. When my eyes opened, she was standing stiff, she was not responding and her eyes were squeezed shut.

She didn't want this; she didn't need anyone pushing her into something she didn't want. It hurt like hell when she didn't kiss me back, ever since that moment, I have been dying for her sweet taste, the way she sent shocks over my body.

She had me crumbling beneath her, she was having an impact on me and it wasn't going to go away ever. She would always be the one for me, I didn't care if it took just a month and a half to realise she was the only person who could drive me insane.

Everything was going so well, but I fucked it up. I threw my fist against the drywall again. The pain was intense but nothing as compared to the one I was facing emotionally.

***

I watched the sky as it changed it's hues of black to dusky grey to orange, mirroring each shade on the glistening, calm water. It was dawn now, and just like every other night, I had been lying awake on the sand, hurting my eyes under the breathtaking and beautiful moon. Even though I was jealous of the crimson for providing so much solace in the dark, I liked it here. The sand was cool against my skin, pacifying the intensity of my inner conflicts.

"Couldn't sleep?" The voice of my little sister hit my ears, causing me to open my eyes, immediately. I nodded at her while keeping my sight stuck on the golden sky above me.

"I woke up to get some water and the door was open. When I went to close it, I freaked out seeing someone lying on the ground. I was going to shout for you-"she giggled and took a few steps forward as the foams created by the waves relaxed on her feet, "then I realised it was only you."

"You should not exhaust yourself, Em. You hardly got any sleep yesterday, you have a flight in just a couple of hours. Go back to sleep," I said, encouraging her to take some rest.

I was sending Emily to Maui for a while. A few days back, I saw a summer camp poster and I had no second thoughts about it. It was just for fifteen days, but enough to make Emily feel better. I needed to take her mind off everything, maybe exploring Hawaii, even more, would help her. I didn't want her to worry like this, I had done a great job at hiding everything from her. I kept sugarcoating the truth, making sure she thought mom was fine. Sadly, Emily got to know a few things yesterday, all thanks to my fucked up behaviour. I wished I hadn't snapped at her and controlled myself because that answered so many questions, all at once. I wanted to protect Emily so much, I ended up taking out all my anger this poor girl. The mortification of becoming a failure was not leaving me.

I was never going to let myself lose control. Never.

Mom was still on my mind. If only I had known she was suffering this much, I would have never left Hawaii. Although, I always wondered why she chose this place.

Was it because she would be nearer to my uncle this way and she didn't want to overburden me? Something was just not fitting in but I never asked either, aware she would start worrying the second I would bring it up. That woman needed nothing but peace.

Last night, I applied at numerous universities in Hawaii. I didn't give two shits about my sports scholarship or my life in North Carolina. I would create a new one here, the one which would help me fight off my pain. I had started a job hunt too, I would earn as much money as needed and would pay my tuition fee.

Bartending? Singing? Anything that pays me enough.

This way, I would keep an eye on both mom and Emily. It was about time I took charge over my life.

The dream I had about Hope was not real, but it made me realise I had to be strong. She was right.

"Mom looks weaker and weaker every day, but she will be fine. I know it," Em whispered, standing up and walking towards the pottery lined up near the fence. When those words left Emily's mouth, I curled my fingers into a fist and took a few deep breaths. I knew she was hurting, and every time I heard her say those heart soaring words, a piece of my heart escaped from my body and drifted away with the ocean.

"Did you make these? Uh, this one is still wet."

"The fresh one's my creation. Jane and I made the others," I replied, studying the expressions on Emily's face. Her eyes were glazed even though she looked way too excited. Maybe she was sleepy?

"So beautiful. Mom loved doing it, you know that, right?" She smiled, tracing the carvings on the different handicrafts. Emily placed the pottery back and sat beside me.

"I am taking this one with me. I will paint it myself." She picked up the smallest one, it had several rings running around it."Can I ask you something? Just don't get mad at me, please?" She added, concerned. I hated that she thought I would flip out again. She was my sister and she could talk to me about anything without getting scared.

"I won't. I was just not myself yesterday, Em. You know how tensed I am these days. What is it?" I assured, wrapping an arm around her.

"Did you guys have a fight or something? I like Jane, she is nice to mom too. She is too quiet all the time, mom says she is different. Like mom connects with her or something like that."

Yeah, that is how Jane was. She was not into talking much, but whatever came out of that beautiful mouth always made sense to me.

And just a fight? No. It was worse than that. It was fucking over. She despised me. Jane shut me off completely because I smacked my lips against hers, making our souls join together as one. I felt so much in those few seconds, so fucking much.

"I guess mom is not the only one who connected with Jane," I sighed, heavily.

I told Emily that sometimes people come together just to fall apart; she didn't understand it but she pretended as if she did; Em loved to pretend as if she knew everything.

Jane and I got close. Closer than I had expected and too much closure separated us.

If she was fire, I was water- the thirst she didn't need.

***

Around 9 PM, I dropped Emily at the airport, glad she was going away. I knew I would miss her but it was bearable since I was moving here soon. I had talked to her summer course teacher and once I was assured she would be safe, I let her out of my arms.

"Get some sleep there, okay?" I said, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"Thank you for this. I will miss you so much," she shouted over her shoulder, showing me the Polaroid Camera I had given her for the trip.

After dropping Emily, I went to the hospital and spent time till the evening there. I didn't leave mom's side even though she slept the entire time. I watched her as she slept, her soft snores acting just like music in the air.

Why couldn't I close my eyes and open them only to see her strong and healthy again?

She looked better today. Her cheeks were starting to stain again. When I held her hand, she tightened her grip and smiled, slowly opening her eyes.

"You are not cold like before," I grinned, pressing a kiss on the back of her hand.

We talked for hours, discussing Emily, and our old times. She wanted to know how my best friends Harold and Archer were; mom really liked them. She seemed happy, I missed the way she laughed. I loved my mom too much. As our never ending conversations proceeded, I finally brought it up- I told her I was staying.

"No, don't do this to yourself, Ashton," she mumbled in a voice that was too low and hoarse. She kept gesturing with her index finger, fear crossing on her face; she wanted me to live my life. If only she had known, she was all I had except Em.

"I have to. Nothing can stop me anymore!"

"Your Uncle's here, your Aunt-" she drew a sharp breath.

"Uncle can take care of you?" I passed a sardonic laugh,"I have been here for over two months now and he has not visited you. Not even once. Oh, he is partying in Australia, you know? And our Aunt? She came just once. They are hardly ever home. We can't keep sending Emily at the neighbour's house all the time! How can I leave you with people who don't give a shit about you?" I clenched my teeth, sarcasm blazing from my mouth.

"Mom, you are my responsibility and so is Em. I won't ask you why you chose Hawaii, but please..just listen to me," I begged, wishing she would understand.

I poured myself out completely, telling her how much support I could provide them. She kept listening to each word carefully, not saying much. Her face was expressionless;I couldn't tell if she was pissed or sad or just thinking.

"Mom, I don't care about anything. The only one that matters right now is you. I can't stay in North Carolina anymore when the two people who make up my entire world are here," I paused, jerking up from my seat. Frustration running over my entire body. I took a deep breath and started walking around the room. I wasn't facing her, I knew tears shimmered her eyes. I had to do this and nothing could stop me anymore, not even her.

"I need you, Mom. Emily needs you. I need you to be healthy again. I need to see you every single day and this way, I could sleep peacefully in bed, knowing when I would wake up in the morning I will be able to see my mom," I flicked away the tears falling from the corner of my eyes, took a few deep breaths again and whirled around.

"Come here," she smiled, her eyes were slightly red and teary. I was not expecting her to open her arms for me. I really thought it would take more than a few days to convince her. I knew she always wanted this but never got the courage to say it on my face.

"I know you feel selfish for this, but the truth is.. I have never met anyone as selfless as you, Mom. Never," I smiled, kissing her forehead. My mom's face was lighting up, she was glowing. She wanted this as much as I did.

"The beach house is ours. It belonged to your father."

"What?" I screamed, pulling away from her.

The house was mine. What the fuck?

"He built it for me. We spent our Honeymoon and various other holidays there. I got to know I was pregnant with you in that house. When I told your dad, he became so crazy..he ended up ordering 500 roses just for me," her voice cracked but her mouth was still curved up in the biggest smile I had seen in the last two months and her cheeks were flushed. My dad was making her blush even though he was very much dead.

Mom was not with me right now, she was reliving the memories she had with my father. I had so many questions to ask her but I couldn't. Not today. This was enough information, the rest could wait. I knew she wanted to feel closer to him so she moved here.

But what about my Uncle? Why was he living there? Did he beg my mom for a place to stay or something like that?

It was a relief. I was finally feeling a little better than I had since the last seven days. Maybe I was going to get some sleep tonight. Things were starting to make sense.

***

Note: I really thought NUMB needed more of Ashton's mom because there were a few in the very first chapters then she got all sick and we didn't get to see her. So here you all go. She is doing better now. :)

Jane's coming up in the next chapter.
I miss her too. You guys will know more things in the upcoming chapters. ^.^

Don't forget to VOTE and COMMENT. Thx. ❤