I'm actually really afraid of standing in front of a camera.
I have lots of insecurities about myself. I never was that "perfect" girl. Do you know why did I put the word perfect, between quote marks? Because it has different meanings for everyone.
So every time, photo shooting starts, I always get the words: come here, take a photo with us, you're beautiful! I stand in front of the camera and I'm waiting for the insults. Why? Cuz all my life, I only got those about my look. I still can hear them in my head. "You're fat. You're ugly. Stop wearing clothes like that, it doesn't fit your personality. No high heels, you stand stupid in those. Have some longer pants, do not show your legs, I can see your scars, and in those shorts, your thighs are showing, they're so fat. You have a big belly, no crop tops, no tight shirts. Stop wearing sleeveless shirts, your shoulder is too big. Your hands look ridiculous, put 'em in your pocket. You have a stupid head shape, let your hair down, it maybe will hide it. What are those dark lines under your eyes? Put up some sunglasses, maybe it can hide your ugly giant nose. Smile prettier, pose sexier, show more confidence!"
After these, how could I?
So as years spent, I created a character. Stubborn. Sarcastic. My new personality doesn't care. I started wearing baggy, sporty clothes than I created my rebel, cool style. I started wearing boots, jeans, and jackets with shirts, caps, and sunglasses. I put down my shy-self and became a rebel. And when I heard the insults again, I started to answer. " You're too fat - you're too skinny. You're ugly - cuz you think you're pretty? Stop wearing clothes like that, it doesn't fit your personality - cuz who are you to tell me what my personality's like? No high heels, you stand stupid in those - you think I care about what you think about my standing? Have some longer pants, do not show your leg, I can see your scars - well they're cool, do you want some? In those shorts your thighs are showing, they're so fat - at least I have something to show, not like you. You have a big belly, no crop tops, no tight shirts - this is not a belly, it's my sixpack's protection. Stop wearing sleeveless shirts, your shoulder is too big - are you afraid of them? Your hands look ridiculous, put 'em in your pocket - and what if I want to put' em in your face? You have a stupid head shape, let your hair down, it maybe will hide it - sorry, too much knowledge under this amazing hair. What are those dark lines under your eyes - it's called tiredness, you know some people get used to working. Put up some sunglasses, maybe it can hide your ugly giant nose - sorry, broke too many times, wanna try? Smile prettier, pose sexier, show more confidence - my smile is perfect, my pose is perfect, and I'm more confident than you think. "
Well, I wasn't confident at all. It wasn't that. I was afraid people hurt me, so I started hurting them before they could say a word to me. And I realized, my rebel character became dangerous. Or at least, people looked at me that way.
I was dreaming about wearing a dress. It was a nice dream. It was a nice dress. It was mint green, with small flowers, without sleeves, and with a giant, but short, flying skirt.
And then, I was absolutely afraid of wearing a dress like that.
I cut myself away from people.
And then, I had my boyfriend.
He was the opposite.
He always told me how beautiful I am, and always cared about me.
"your shape is amazing. You're beautiful. Those clothes would look so pretty on you. Those high heels are so feminine. I hope your scars will get better with time, do they hurt? Your thighs are really smooth. I love your cute belly! Wow, your shoulders are so muscular. Your hands are really amazing, have you ever tried piano? Your head is so cute, like a little ball! Are you tired? I can see those dark lines under your eyes. Can I make a coffee for you? Your nose is so cute! Your smile is perfect, your body is perfect, do not hide anything ever, you're beautiful, do not forget! "
And here I am. In front of the first day in school. And I'm planning to wear a mint green, flowered dress, with a cute necklace and bracelet.
I guess this is real confidence. And will stand in front of the camera, smile from my heart, and think about who I really am.
Because now, I finally know it.
I'm not that dangerous, rude rebel character, that I created to protect me. I'm a woman, who is confident and doesn't care about people's opinions.
A leader, who stands for people, not hurt them.
I'm a human, who is perfect.