Samantha

I swirled my instant noodles with a fork, watching the carrot shreds fall. Cara sat across the foldable table, with a stern, expectant look. Her six roommates behind her were tapping their keyboards in the musty living room. A vinyl blind lay broken on a stained carpet by the window.

"Here's another one." A girl with glasses and corkscrew curls leaned toward her computer. "Lifestyle influencer vomiting on the street after forced to wear blindfolds for webcam." 

"The website banned Erika's account," the chunky guy beside her turned to me. "It's gone."

Me sobbing on the curbside in that ridiculous outfit played on someone else's phone. I winced at how desperate I sounded. Whoever filmed me last night posted it on TikTok. Hence all the media attention.

The video had gone viral. 

"Why were you still in those clothes?" The curly girl grimaced. 

"Because she ran out!" Cara snapped while I rubbed my eyes. "Jesus, Katie. What do you think?" 

"At least... she got famous, right?" The chunky guy shrugged. Everyone stared at him in disappointment. "What? She's bigger now than Cara's scandal. Isn't that—"

"John, just shush. Everyone shut up." Cara scrubbed her forehead. "Sam, eat."

"I'm too nauseous... It'd help if I smoke—"

"Are you kidding me? The whole reason you ended up in the Emergency Room was because of weed. You're not smoking shit, dude. I'm serious. Over my dead body."

True. The weed had not helped the panic attack. I'd felt like I was going to die. But according to the exasperated nurses who checked my vitals after midnight, it was dear anxiety. 

When I kept begging Erika to let me go, she slipped a black blindfold over my eyes to help my shyness. Little did she know, I'd accidentally punch her in the jaw and bolt down the stairs.

"Yeah, you're—" My words cut off with a knock on the door. 

Cara walked up to the peephole, then gave me a doubtful glance that explained who it was. 

"Hey..." She unlocked, shooting my pulse up.

"Is she here?" 

As if sensing my presence beside him on the cheap dining table, Ashton made eye-contact. Oh. Gray under eye bags said he hadn't slept. His black cotton shirt wrinkled. Lips narrow and slightly down in the corners. Never had I see him so defeated.

I clutched the styrofoam cup to my chest, slowly standing at his silent request. I felt like someone else. In Cara's black turtleneck and leggings. Perhaps it was the mild fever running through my body. 

~

We approached the courtyard in the apartment complex, surrounded by red-tiled roofs. I slumped on the edge of a tiered fountain. The smell of chlorine and rushing water bringing a necessary distraction. Everyone was inside, getting ready for bed. Ashton stood in front of me, hands in his pockets. His hollow cheeks even more pronounced from the window lights around.

"What happened?" he murmured.

"Um..." I took a breath for courage. "I went to see what Erika had to offer. She said there was a lot of money in it. And I thought..." I shrugged, replaying the events like a cruel montage. "I thought it'd fix my problems. Clearly, I was wrong."

"You weren't going to talk to me before becoming a webcam girl?" 

"Webcam? Oh God, no. I didn't even know, I thought I'm taking cute pictures in lingerie. You know, like the one I tried at home that one time? When I was pretending to read a book?"

He didn't react.

"Well..." I lowered my gaze. "You know the rest." 

"Why would you even consider it?" 

"What do you mean? I told you, to make money—"

"If you knew I'd be upset, why'd you go behind my back?"

My breathing became heavy at his bluntness. "Because... I knew you'd be against it."

"Hm..." He nodded to himself. "So you knew I'd be against it, but you went anyway."

"I didn't know about the webcam—"

"You knew I wouldn't want you taking pictures in lingerie!" 

"But why?" I chuckled, hands on my lap. 

"Why?" His dry tone stiffened my spine. He scoffed. "Fucking Christ, she still doesn't get it." 

"Get what?"

"I've never faked anything with you! Jesus, I don't know how to get through to you. I really don't. I mean, one day we're fine, then something comes along and you start doubting yourself. You put yourself down. All the time. You're so mean to yourself. It's not healthy."

"Jeez, thank you, I didn't know." I smiled. "I don't know if you remember, but I've been telling you since day one that I'm not good enough for you. You're the only one who couldn't see it."

"Oh my God!" He quieted his shout, turning away, hands in his hair. 

"I'm sorry..." My throat clenched. "I'm really, so sorry, Ashton. You deserve better. You do. You're so amazing. Inside and out. I can't believe how lucky I've been to have met you. Too lucky, I mean. What the hell have I ever done to deserve it? Nothing."

He whirled and put his hands on the stone by my sides. At eye-level. Voice low. "That's my fucking point, Samantha. You never had to prove shit. Never. From the first night you gave up your chair so I wouldn't lose customers, I've wanted you." 

"That's like the bare minimum any human should've done."

"You never judge me. I can be the biggest dick, but you stay kind. You put yourself in my shoes. You think I don't notice? What, you think that means nothing to me?" 

"Yeah, and as a result, people walk all over me..."

"Come on!" He jerked back, forehead wrinkling. "This isn't you. This is your mom inside your head brainwashing you to bully yourself. I mean, don't you get it? What do I have to do?"

"Why?" I glared at the ground. "If I wasn't good enough for my mom to fight for me, why would anyone else? She gave birth to me, didn't she? She knew me better than anyone else and she still didn't love me. Don't you think that's enough proof?"

"No, not even a little. And no offense, but fuck your mom. I hate that fucking bitch."

"Maybe you have a savior complex, Ash," I whispered. 

He laughed, but it came out hollow. "Yeah, that's what I have. I just love torturing myself, you know. 'Cause I have nothing better to do. 'Cause I have no fucking brain."

My vision trembled. "If I knew how much the rent was, I never would've moved in with you. I wouldn't do that to you."

"Man, fuck the money. I don't give a shit. You don't make enough now? Well, guess what? You're twenty-one. Your life's not over. You'll pay me back, I'm not in a rush. All I wanted was for you to have a safe place to call home 'cause you've been living with toxic people your whole life."

I couldn't take it. The way he stared at me like I'd stomped all over his heart. 

"I'll stay at Cara's..." I wiped the fresh tears. "You don't have to worry about me."

"She lives with like ten people."

"Six. I'll sleep on the floor in the living room..."

"They work on their computers all night."

"Hey, free night lights," I chuckled. 

Ashton was quiet for a moment. "I can stay at Luka's... if you don't want me around."

"Absolutely not. It's your place, please, don't worry. I'll be more than fine..." 

He chewed his cheek, weighing his next words. "And what does that mean for us?" 

My breath caught in alarm. 

Please, you do it. Say it. Tell me I'm not worth it.

He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "You want to break up, don't you."

"It was supposed to be fake," I whispered. "I'm not stable enough for that... This whole time, I thought you were messing."

"Yeah..." He turned his back to me, storming off. "I guess I was." 

~A/N~
Poor Sam and Ashton :( They did try to talk...